Best Driver of 2019 | Full Article _HERE_ | Discussion Thread _HERE_

Could Use A Laugh....

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  • Argonne69Argonne69 Members Posts: 22,247 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭
    One of the best used cars ads ever:



    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]You want a car that gets the job done? You want a car that’s hassle free? You want a car that literally no one will ever compliment you on? Well look no further.[/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]The 1999 Toyota Corolla.[/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]car.jpg[/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]Let’s talk about features.[/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]Bluetooth: nope[/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]Sunroof: nope[/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]Fancy wheels: nope[/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]Rear view camera: nope…but it’s got a transparent rear window and you have a f*cking neck that can turn.[/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]car-2.jpg[/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]Let me tell you a story. One day my Corolla started making a strange sound. I didn’t give a sh*t and ignored it. It went away. The End. [/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]You could take the engine out of this car, drop it off the Golden Gate Bridge, fish it out of the water a thousand years later, put it in the trunk of the car, fill the gas tank up with Nutella, turn the key, and this puppy would f*cking start right up. [/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]This car will outlive you, it will outlive your children.[/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]Things this car is old enough to do: [/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]Vote: yes [/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]Consent to ****: yes [/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]Rent a car: it IS a car [/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]car-3.jpg[/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]This car’s got history. It’s seen some sh*t. People have done straight things in this car. People have done gay things in this car. It’s not going to judge you like a f*cking Volkswagen would. [/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]Interesting facts: This car’s exterior color is gray, but it’s interior color is grey. In the owner’s manual, oil is listed as “optional.” When this car was unveiled at the 1998 Detroit Auto Show, it caused all 2,000 attendees to spontaneously yawn. The resulting abrupt change in air pressure inside the building caused a partial collapse of the roof. Four people died. The event is chronicled in the documentary “Bored to Death: The Story of the 1999 Toyota Corolla”[/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]You wanna know more? Great, I had my car fill out a Facebook survey.[/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]Favorite food: spaghetti[/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]Favorite tv show: Alf[/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]Favorite band: tie between Bush and the Gin Blossoms[/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]car-4.jpg[/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]This car is as practical as a Roth IRA. It’s as middle-of-the-road as your grandpa during his last Silver Alert. It’s as utilitarian as a member of a church whose scripture is based entirely on water bills.[/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]When I ran the CarFax for this car, I got back a single piece of paper that said, “It’s a Corolla. It’s fine.”[/background]


    [background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]Let’s face the facts, this car isn’t going to win any beauty contests, but neither are you. Stop lying to yourself and stop lying to your wife. This isn’t the car you want, it’s the car you deserve: The f*cking 1999 Toyota Corolla.[/background]
  • thug the bunnythug the bunny Members Posts: 6,141 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭
    Argonne69 wrote:


    One of the best used cars ads ever:



    You want a car that gets the job done? You want a car that’s hassle free? You want a car that literally no one will ever compliment you on? Well look no further.



    The 1999 Toyota Corolla.



    car.jpg



    Let’s talk about features.



    Bluetooth: nope



    Sunroof: nope



    Fancy wheels: nope



    Rear view camera: nope…but it’s got a transparent rear window and you have a f*cking neck that can turn.



    car-2.jpg



    Let me tell you a story. One day my Corolla started making a strange sound. I didn’t give a sh*t and ignored it. It went away. The End.



    You could take the engine out of this car, drop it off the Golden Gate Bridge, fish it out of the water a thousand years later, put it in the trunk of the car, fill the gas tank up with Nutella, turn the key, and this puppy would f*cking start right up.



    This car will outlive you, it will outlive your children.



    Things this car is old enough to do:



    Vote: yes



    Consent to ****: yes



    Rent a car: it IS a car



    car-3.jpg



    This car’s got history. It’s seen some sh*t. People have done straight things in this car. People have done gay things in this car. It’s not going to judge you like a f*cking Volkswagen would.



    Interesting facts: This car’s exterior color is gray, but it’s interior color is grey. In the owner’s manual, oil is listed as “optional.” When this car was unveiled at the 1998 Detroit Auto Show, it caused all 2,000 attendees to spontaneously yawn. The resulting abrupt change in air pressure inside the building caused a partial collapse of the roof. Four people died. The event is chronicled in the documentary “Bored to Death: The Story of the 1999 Toyota Corolla”



    You wanna know more? Great, I had my car fill out a Facebook survey.



    Favorite food: spaghetti



    Favorite tv show: Alf



    Favorite band: tie between Bush and the Gin Blossoms



    car-4.jpg



    This car is as practical as a Roth IRA. It’s as middle-of-the-road as your grandpa during his last Silver Alert. It’s as utilitarian as a member of a church whose scripture is based entirely on water bills.



    When I ran the CarFax for this car, I got back a single piece of paper that said, “It’s a Corolla. It’s fine.”



    Let’s face the facts, this car isn’t going to win any beauty contests, but neither are you. Stop lying to yourself and stop lying to your wife. This isn’t the car you want, it’s the car you deserve: The f*cking 1999 Toyota Corolla.






    That is F'ing awesome! You must have got it from 'best of craigslist'?
  • Argonne69Argonne69 Members Posts: 22,247 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭
    Dog 1: I heard a great joke today



    Dog 2: What is it?



    Dog 1: Knock, kn-



    Dog 2: <goes absolutely nuts>





    7c6ac3982ed2082aa157d619bd7d4869.jpg
  • Argonne69Argonne69 Members Posts: 22,247 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭
  • Argonne69Argonne69 Members Posts: 22,247 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭
    Now that's what I call AI:



    st-so-depressing-you-might-as-well-have-a-good-laugh-17.jpg
  • Argonne69Argonne69 Members Posts: 22,247 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭
    Conversation overheard at a party:



    Person 1: What else was ruined because too many people started doing it?



    Person 2: Having **** with my wife.
  • adam667220adam667220 Members Posts: 881 ✭✭✭✭✭
    We might as well lock this thread because all the good jokes.....argonne.



    I'll see myself out. lol
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  • ShortGame420ShortGame420 Members Posts: 4
    edited Apr 28, 2018 #279
    Guy is on the 1st tee taking practice swings. right in the middle of a practice swing a voice booms over the loudspeaker from the pro shop. "would the gentleman on the ladies tee please step back and play from the men's tee." He pays no attention and goes back through his routine. Again the voice comes over the loudspeaker "would the gentleman on the ladies tee please step back and play from the men's tee" slightly more agitated this time. He ignores it once again. He is about to hit the ball when the voice comes over the speaker again "Sir, please step back to the men's tee!" Finally the guy turns around and yells "would the a$$hole on the loudspeaker please shut up so I can play my 2nd shot!"



    Man and woman are lying in bed. Man says "Honey I love you so much. I want you to know if I die, I want you to get re married and be happy." The woman says she would. The man says "would you let him sleep in our bed?" The woman says "I suppose so...we would be married after all." The man replies "would you let him use my golf clubs?" The woman says, "no. He is left handed."
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  • Argonne69Argonne69 Members Posts: 22,247 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭
    Don't be ashamed of who you are.



    (That's your parent's job)
  • Argonne69Argonne69 Members Posts: 22,247 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭
    There are 5 types of fear:
    • Terror
    • Panic
    • Username or password is incorrect
    • "We need to talk"
    • 20 missed calls from Mom
  • ramdorskyramdorsky Members Posts: 121 ✭✭✭
    How I made my Fortune



    A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingured his expensive wool vest, leaned back in his chair and said, "Well, son it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickle." "I invested that nickle in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested that ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80." "Then my wife's father died and left us five million dollars."
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  • ramdorskyramdorsky Members Posts: 121 ✭✭✭
    The Secret to a Long Life



    A doctor, on his morning walk, noticed an old lady who must have been at least 95 years old. She was sitting on her front step, smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

    "I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and I don't exercise at all." "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?" "Forty," she replied...
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  • adam667220adam667220 Members Posts: 881 ✭✭✭✭✭
    ramdorsky wrote:


    The Secret to a Long Life



    A doctor, on his morning walk, noticed an old lady who must have been at least 95 years old. She was sitting on her front step, smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

    "I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and I don't exercise at all." "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?" "Forty," she replied...




    On the flip side of that.



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  • ramdorskyramdorsky Members Posts: 121 ✭✭✭
    How to ask for a raise



    Employee: Excuse me, sir, may I talk to you?

    Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

    Employee: Well, sir, as you know, I have been an employee of

    this prestigious firm for over ten years.

    Boss: Yes.

    Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a

    raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I

    decided to talk to you first.

    Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is

    just not the right time.

    Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the

    current economic downturn has had a negative impact on

    sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard

    work, proactiveness, and loyalty to this company for over a

    decade.

    Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I

    don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you

    a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.

    How does that sound?

    Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

    Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies

    were after you?

    Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, the Gas Company, the

    Water Company, and the Mortgage Company!
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  • ramdorskyramdorsky Members Posts: 121 ✭✭✭
    Thoughtful Husband



    The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to

    their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier; just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together--It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her". The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "Yes", answered the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries

    a golf bag while we walk?" This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.
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  • ramdorskyramdorsky Members Posts: 121 ✭✭✭
    Golf Instructions



    1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

    2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

    3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

    4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

    5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

    6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

    7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

    8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

    9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

    10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

    WELL DONE. - NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF
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  • Ghost_OrchidGhost_Orchid Golf Junkie Members Posts: 2,070 ✭✭✭✭✭✭


    Guy is on the 1st tee taking practice swings. right in the middle of a practice swing a voice booms over the loudspeaker from the pro shop. "would the gentleman on the ladies tee please step back and play from the men's tee." He pays no attention and goes back through his routine. Again the voice comes over the loudspeaker "would the gentleman on the ladies tee please step back and play from the men's tee" slightly more agitated this time. He ignores it once again. He is about to hit the ball when the voice comes over the speaker again "Sir, please step back to the men's tee!" Finally the guy turns around and yells "would the a$$hole on the loudspeaker please shut up so I can play my 2nd shot!"



    Man and woman are lying in bed. Man says "Honey I love you so much. I want you to know if I die, I want you to get re married and be happy." The woman says she would. The man says "would you let him sleep in our bed?" The woman says "I suppose so...we would be married after all." The man replies "would you let him use my golf clubs?" The woman says, "no. He is left handed."




  • ramdorskyramdorsky Members Posts: 121 ✭✭✭
    It's not diffcult to make a woman happy. It doesn't take much. A man only needs to be:



    1. A friend

    2. A companion

    3. A lover

    4. A brother

    5. A father

    6. A master

    7. A chef

    8. An electrician

    9. A carpenter

    10. A plumber

    11. A mechanic

    12. A decorator

    13. A stylist

    14. A sexologist

    15. A gynecologist

    16. A psychologist

    17. A pest exterminator

    18. A psychiatrist

    20. A healer

    21. A good listener

    22. An organizer

    23. Very clean

    24. Sympathetic

    25. Athletic

    26. Warm

    27. Attnetive

    28. Gallant

    29. Intelligent

    30. Funny

    31. Creative

    32. Tender

    33. Strong

    34. Understanding

    35. Tolerant

    36. Prudent

    37. Ambitious

    38. Capable

    39.Courageous

    40. Determined

    41. True

    42. Dependable

    43. Passionate

    44. Compassionate



    Without Forgetting To:



    45. Give her compliments regularly

    46. Love to go shopping

    47. Be honest

    48. Be relatively rich

    49. Not stress her out

    50. Not look at other women



    And at the same time, you must also:



    51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

    52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself

    53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes or who

    she is with



    But it is also very important to:



    54. Never to forget:

    a. birthdays

    b. anniversaries

    c. arrangements she makes

    d. her parents



    How To Make A Man Happy



    1. Leave him alone
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  • thug the bunnythug the bunny Members Posts: 6,141 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭
    ramdorsky wrote:


    It's not diffcult to make a woman happy. It doesn't take much. A man only needs to be:



    1. A friend

    2. A companion

    3. A lover

    4. A brother

    5. A father

    6. A master

    7. A chef

    8. An electrician

    9. A carpenter

    10. A plumber

    11. A mechanic

    12. A decorator

    13. A stylist

    14. A sexologist

    15. A gynecologist

    16. A psychologist

    17. A pest exterminator

    18. A psychiatrist

    20. A healer

    21. A good listener

    22. An organizer

    23. Very clean

    24. Sympathetic

    25. Athletic

    26. Warm

    27. Attnetive

    28. Gallant

    29. Intelligent

    30. Funny

    31. Creative

    32. Tender

    33. Strong

    34. Understanding

    35. Tolerant

    36. Prudent

    37. Ambitious

    38. Capable

    39.Courageous

    40. Determined

    41. True

    42. Dependable

    43. Passionate

    44. Compassionate



    Without Forgetting To:



    45. Give her compliments regularly

    46. Love to go shopping

    47. Be honest

    48. Be relatively rich

    49. Not stress her out

    50. Not look at other women



    And at the same time, you must also:



    51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

    52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself

    53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes or who

    she is with



    But it is also very important to:



    54. Never to forget:

    a. birthdays

    b. anniversaries

    c. arrangements she makes

    d. her parents



    How To Make A Man Happy



    1. Leave him alone




    OMG best post in this thread. Sure glad I didn't have wine in mouth when I read the end...
  • Argonne69Argonne69 Members Posts: 22,247 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭
    OK, all set to ask the wife what's wrong.



    GN4_DAT_7590391.jpg--bomb_squad_make_safe_explosive_device_in_athy.jpg
  • thug the bunnythug the bunny Members Posts: 6,141 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭
    Argonne69 wrote:


    OK, all set to ask the wife what's wrong.



    GN4_DAT_7590391.jpg--bomb_squad_make_safe_explosive_device_in_athy.jpg




    It's not that bad, cause you know that all they ever say is "nothing". Then if you want some extra credit, you say "are you sure honey?", and they say "yes I'm sure", and now you have your hall pass and can watch football, play golf, drink beer, etc. Woo hoo!
  • ramdorskyramdorsky Members Posts: 121 ✭✭✭
    The Outdoors Man's Physical

    During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level, and so he described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four leaks" behind big trees." Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one **** of an outdoors man!" "No," he replied, "I'm just a sh**ty golfer.
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  • Argonne69Argonne69 Members Posts: 22,247 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭
    File this under the category of cruel and unusual punishment.



    In 2017, a Kansas man robbed a bank, hoping to get arrested and sentenced to prison, so he could get away from his nagging wife.



    The judge found him guilty, and sentenced him to house arrest. image/swoon.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':swoon:' />
  • ramdorskyramdorsky Members Posts: 121 ✭✭✭
    I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool yesterday; the lifeguard yelled at me so loud I almost fell in.
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  • DavePelz4DavePelz4 A golf course in the Chicago area.ClubWRX Posts: 24,940 ClubWRX
    I'm starting a new movement to eliminate shredded cheese from stores across 'Merica. The motto is "Make American Grate again."
  • Argonne69Argonne69 Members Posts: 22,247 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭
    If you drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8 ball, you can see the future. Trust me. My friend Dave did this once, and he said, "I think I'm going to die."



    And he did. Whoa.
  • ramdorskyramdorsky Members Posts: 121 ✭✭✭
    A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

    The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

    The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."

    The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband

    started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he

    calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

    The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."
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  • ramdorskyramdorsky Members Posts: 121 ✭✭✭
    The Afghan QB



    The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan, In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

    KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

    "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

    "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

    "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!"
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  • DavePelz4DavePelz4 A golf course in the Chicago area.ClubWRX Posts: 24,940 ClubWRX
    Last night I downloaded a bootleg copy of Bohemian Rhapsody. Unfortunately all I could see was a little silhouette of a man.
  • Argonne69Argonne69 Members Posts: 22,247 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭
    DavePelz4 wrote:


    Last night I downloaded a bootleg copy of Bohemian Rhapsody. Unfortunately all I could see was a little silhouette of a man.




    Bummer. So I'm guessing you didn't do the Fandango? Poor boy.



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