One of the best used cars ads ever:
You want a car that gets the job done? You want a car that’s hassle free? You want a car that literally no one will ever compliment you on? Well look no further.
The 1999 Toyota Corolla.
Let’s talk about features.
Fancy wheels: nope
Rear view camera: nope…but it’s got a transparent rear window and you have a f*cking neck that can turn.
Let me tell you a story. One day my Corolla started making a strange sound. I didn’t give a sh*t and ignored it. It went away. The End.
You could take the engine out of this car, drop it off the Golden Gate Bridge, fish it out of the water a thousand years later, put it in the trunk of the car, fill the gas tank up with Nutella, turn the key, and this puppy would f*cking start right up.
This car will outlive you, it will outlive your children.
Things this car is old enough to do:
Consent to ****: yes
Rent a car: it IS a car
This car’s got history. It’s seen some sh*t. People have done straight things in this car. People have done **** things in this car. It’s not going to judge you like a f*cking Volkswagen would.
Interesting facts: This car’s exterior color is gray, but it’s interior color is grey. In the owner’s manual, oil is listed as “optional.” When this car was unveiled at the 1998 Detroit Auto Show, it caused all 2,000 attendees to spontaneously yawn. The resulting abrupt change in air pressure inside the building caused a partial collapse of the roof. Four people died. The event is chronicled in the documentary “Bored to Death: The Story of the 1999 Toyota Corolla”
You wanna know more? Great, I had my car fill out a Facebook survey.
Favorite food: spaghetti
Favorite tv show: Alf
Favorite band: tie between Bush and the Gin Blossoms
This car is as practical as a Roth IRA. It’s as middle-of-the-road as your grandpa during his last Silver Alert. It’s as utilitarian as a member of a church whose scripture is based entirely on water bills.
When I ran the CarFax for this car, I got back a single piece of paper that said, “It’s a Corolla. It’s fine.”
Let’s face the facts, this car isn’t going to win any beauty contests, but neither are you. Stop lying to yourself and stop lying to your wife. This isn’t the car you want, it’s the car you deserve: The f*cking 1999 Toyota Corolla.
The Secret to a Long Life
A doctor, on his morning walk, noticed an old lady who must have been at least 95 years old. She was sitting on her front step, smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and I don't exercise at all." "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?" "Forty," she replied...
Guy is on the 1st tee taking practice swings. right in the middle of a practice swing a voice booms over the loudspeaker from the pro shop. "would the gentleman on the ladies tee please step back and play from the men's tee." He pays no attention and goes back through his routine. Again the voice comes over the loudspeaker "would the gentleman on the ladies tee please step back and play from the men's tee" slightly more agitated this time. He ignores it once again. He is about to hit the ball when the voice comes over the speaker again "Sir, please step back to the men's tee!" Finally the guy turns around and yells "would the a$$hole on the loudspeaker please shut up so I can play my 2nd shot!"
Man and woman are lying in bed. Man says "Honey I love you so much. I want you to know if I die, I want you to get re married and be happy." The woman says she would. The man says "would you let him sleep in our bed?" The woman says "I suppose so...we would be married after all." The man replies "would you let him use my golf clubs?" The woman says, "no. He is left handed."
It's not diffcult to make a woman happy. It doesn't take much. A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
20. A healer
21. A good listener
22. An organizer
23. Very clean
Without Forgetting To:
45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love to go shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be relatively rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other women
And at the same time, you must also:
51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes or who
she is with
But it is also very important to:
54. Never to forget:
c. arrangements she makes
d. her parents
How To Make A Man Happy
1. Leave him alone
OK, all set to ask the wife what's wrong.
Last night I downloaded a bootleg copy of Bohemian Rhapsody. Unfortunately all I could see was a little silhouette of a man.