Could Use A Laugh....

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  • No_Catchy_NicknameNo_Catchy_Nickname Kyushu,_JapanMembers Posts: 5,344 ✭✭
    edited Feb 14, 2017 #62
    augustgolf wrote:


    One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.

    The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”.

    The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she wouldn’t talk to me for a month”.

    The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”?

    The man said “Well the month is up tonight”.





    Young guy walks into a bar, sits down and promptly order a double of whisky.

    As soon as the barman puts it down, he downs it and orders another.

    Again, as soon as the barman puts it down, the guy downs it and orders another.

    This goes on until the guy is on his seventh double.

    The barman says, "hey, what's the need for the shots?"

    The young guy says "Had my first bj today."

    Barman says, "Hey, congratulations, the next one's on me."

    Young guy says, "I've had seven already. You think another one is going to get rid of the taste?"
    Driver: Ping G400 Tour 65S
    4w: TaylorMade R9 stock Fujikura Motore X flex
    7w TaylorMade V-steel, Quadra Fire Express RB 6SX
    Hybrid: RomaRo iBrid 23* Attas EZ 85S
    Irons (4i-PW): Wilson fg-62 S300 4/5-PW or MP4 Yoro Modus 125X 5-PW
    Wedges: Callaway MD2 T-grind combination of 52*, 56*, 58*, 60*
    Putter: Mac Jack Nicklaus Muirfield

    Old stuff: Tons of persimmon and older irons. 
  • No_Catchy_NicknameNo_Catchy_Nickname Kyushu,_JapanMembers Posts: 5,344 ✭✭
    Bloke walks into a nice bar on the top storey of a fancy high-rise hotel. He sits down and has a few, then he notices the guy next to him is chugging these really fancy cocktails.

    "Hey, what's that you're drinking?" He asks.

    The other guy says "it's called a Wings. Makes you feel as light as air."

    "No kidding? I'll try one" says the bloke. So he does and knocks one back.

    "I don't feel any different" he says.

    The other guy looks at him funnily and says, "Well I feel light as air; watch this!"

    And he promptly stands up and jumps out of the window of this top-story bar.

    The bloke's gobsmacked. As he's standing there looking out of the window, he feels a tap on his shoulder.

    He turns around, and sees the bloke who just jumped out of the window standing there.

    "See? I told you you'd feel as light as air," he says.

    "Wow!" says the bloke. "How did you do that? You must be having me on."

    "No, says the guy, I'll do it again."

    And he orders another Wing, then hurls himself out of the window only to walk into the bar through the door a few minutes later.

    The bloke's really convinced now, so he orders himself a Wing to try it out himself.

    When it arrives, he downs it in one, then promptly rushes to the window and hurls himself out.

    After 7 or 8 seconds, there's an ominous "splat" and the sound of screaming down below.



    The barman turns to the other guy and says, "You know, you're a real a****** when you're drunk, Superman."
    Driver: Ping G400 Tour 65S
    4w: TaylorMade R9 stock Fujikura Motore X flex
    7w TaylorMade V-steel, Quadra Fire Express RB 6SX
    Hybrid: RomaRo iBrid 23* Attas EZ 85S
    Irons (4i-PW): Wilson fg-62 S300 4/5-PW or MP4 Yoro Modus 125X 5-PW
    Wedges: Callaway MD2 T-grind combination of 52*, 56*, 58*, 60*
    Putter: Mac Jack Nicklaus Muirfield

    Old stuff: Tons of persimmon and older irons. 
  • sprcoopsprcoop Tucson, AZMembers Posts: 812 ✭✭
    Do you know why Smokey the Bear doesn't have any children?



    Every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel.

    Driver: TaylorMade R7 425CC 8.5* Grafalloy blue S
    3W: Titleist 910F 16.5 * Diamana Kai'li 75 Mid R
    5W: TourModel III True Temper S
    2I: TourModel III True Temper S
    3-PW: Mizuno MP 60 True Temper Dynamic Gold S300 S
    SW: TourModel III True Temper S
    Putter: Cobra Anvil 005
    Ball: Ksig 3 piece

  • snoilr1snoilr1 Members Posts: 508 ✭✭
    edited Feb 14, 2017 #65
    A Minister, a doctor, a lawyer and an engineer are in the same foursome. They're behind the slowest twosome anyone has ever seen, and getting angry.



    The pro comes out to apologize for the pace, and to explain that the two guys are firefighters who were both blinded while saving kids from a burning school. Both were really good golfers before the accident, and the course has rewarded them by giving them life memberships.



    The minister says "I'm going to say extra prayers for those two brave fellows at every service for the next month". The doctor says "I'm going to see if anyone at the hospital could help them regain their sight". The lawyer says "I'm going to offer my free services to review thier situation, and make sure they get every benefit they're entitled to ". The engineer says "Can't they play at night?"
    Titleist 913 D3
    R7 Steel 16Deg 4W
    RBZ 19.5Deg 3H
    Srixon Z745 5-P
    SM6 50.12F
    SM1 54.14, 58.08
    ProPlatinum mid-slant
  • justwellsyjustwellsy Members Posts: 972 ✭✭
    Here are a few short ones...







    golfjoke.gif



    Golf-caddy-050412.jpg



    caddie10.jpg



    westwood-and-foster.jpg
    Taylormade M2 9.5 set to 7.5 (Matrix Ozik 70 X-Stiff)
    Callaway X2 Hot 3 Deep 14.5 Deg X-stiff (Aldila Rogue Green)
    Mizuno MP-64 3-PW (DG X-100)
    Callaway MD2 50 deg
    Vokey SM4 54 Deg
    Callaway MD2 60 Deg
    Odyssey White Hot #7
    Ball: Apply for position
  • FergusonFerguson Members Posts: 4,901 ✭✭
    Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?





    The "p" is silent.
  • 3sip3sip Members Posts: 408
    a lady goes to see her doctor, "I don't know what is wrong with me" she says "everything I touch hurts. I touch my head, it hurts, I touch my leg, it hurts, I touch my arm it hurts"

    doctor asked "your a natural blond" she replies "yes how did you know?"

    "your finger is broken"
  • sprcoopsprcoop Tucson, AZMembers Posts: 812 ✭✭
    edited Feb 15, 2017 #69
    Man goes to the doctor because he is over weight. He complains to the doctor, "I'm so fat I can't even see my p****". Doctor says, "Well sir, you're going to have to diet". Patient exclaims, "Diet! What color is it now?!?!"
    Post edited by Unknown User on

    Driver: TaylorMade R7 425CC 8.5* Grafalloy blue S
    3W: Titleist 910F 16.5 * Diamana Kai'li 75 Mid R
    5W: TourModel III True Temper S
    2I: TourModel III True Temper S
    3-PW: Mizuno MP 60 True Temper Dynamic Gold S300 S
    SW: TourModel III True Temper S
    Putter: Cobra Anvil 005
    Ball: Ksig 3 piece

  • bestrnd35bestrnd35 Members Posts: 211 ✭✭
    I want this to be the first joke that my granddaughters tell in school. Clean, non-offensive.



    "When is a door not a door? When it's ajar."



    The again, they maybe not?
    Driver - Cobra F8 (plays 44.5")
    Callaway Fusion 3, 5 woods
    Callaway X-Hot N14 hybrids
    Callaway X-Hot 6-PW
    Callaway Mack Daddy 2 54, 60
    Titleist SM6 50
    Odyssey White Hot Pro Vline
  • adam667220adam667220 Members Posts: 861 ✭✭
    bestrnd35 wrote:


    I want this to be the first joke that my granddaughters tell in school. Clean, non-offensive.



    "When is a door not a door? When it's ajar."



    The again, they maybe not?
    BC+ Driver 10.5°
    BC+ 5 wood 16°
    Adam Idea Super XTD hybrid 21°
    Callaway X2 Hot Irons 5-AW
    52°,56°, 60° wedges
    Odyssey White Hot Pro 2cs
  • DickaDicka Members Posts: 120 ✭✭
    My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the pi5s out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.



    I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her dinner, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
  • aceofclubsaceofclubs Members Posts: 836 ✭✭
    Woman wants to learn golf so she can play with her husband. She goes to a local pro. He starts with fundamentals, stance, alignment, posture and grip. He says "hold the club how you would hold your husbands 'manhood' and take a swing"



    She knocks it 220 right down the middle.



    Pro says "wow thats great, now take the club out of your mouth and try it again"

    Driver: TBD
    Fairway: Taylormade Superfast 16.5*/Even Flow Blue
    Hybrid: Titleist 913H/Rogue Black
    Irons: Mizuno MP 59s
    Wedges: Titleist SM4 52/56/60
    Putter: This area intentionally left blank
  • gtcmap1gtcmap1 Members Posts: 24
    What's better than roses on your piano?



    Tulips on your organ!
  • Frank A.Frank A. Lefty Boomers Posts: 356 ✭✭
    A somewhat famous elderly wealthy man is on his death bed and is being interviewed by a local news reporter. The new reporter asks the dying man how he spent the wealth he accumulated. The dying man answers: other than the gambling, drinking and gofling, I wasted it.
  • gretchgretch Members Posts: 806
    3sip wrote:


    a lady goes to see her doctor, "I don't know what is wrong with me" she says "everything I touch hurts. I touch my head, it hurts, I touch my leg, it hurts, I touch my arm it hurts"

    doctor asked "your a natural blond" she replies "yes how did you know?"

    "your finger is broken"




    reminds me of the one where the guy and his wife go to the doctor because she doesn't smell so fresh down there, but she thinks it is fine.



    Doctor performs his exam, and reports, "I have found the problem. Your nose is broken"
  • sprcoopsprcoop Tucson, AZMembers Posts: 812 ✭✭
    Two guys die at the same time. They arrive at the pearly gates to find only one spot available. To break the tie St. Peter puts them in separate rooms and tells them they have one hour to write a poem using the term "Timbuktu" and the best poem wins. The one guy had a Masters in literature and ripped out 8 verses of a beautiful poem about sailing the seven seas to the wonderful land of Timbuktu. The other didn't finish high school and had a hard time but submitted his offering any way.



    Tim and I a strolling we went

    Spied three maidens in a tent

    Them being three and us being two

    Well, I bucked one and Tim bucked two



    Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!!!

    Driver: TaylorMade R7 425CC 8.5* Grafalloy blue S
    3W: Titleist 910F 16.5 * Diamana Kai'li 75 Mid R
    5W: TourModel III True Temper S
    2I: TourModel III True Temper S
    3-PW: Mizuno MP 60 True Temper Dynamic Gold S300 S
    SW: TourModel III True Temper S
    Putter: Cobra Anvil 005
    Ball: Ksig 3 piece

  • MKappasMKappas Members Posts: 141 ✭✭
    Phil and Michelle are about to get married. Phil says to Michelle, "before we get married, I have a confession. I love golf. I play 5 times a week and nothing, even you, will change that. I hope you can understand."



    Michelle turns to Phil and says, "That's fine with me honey, but I have a confession as well. I just want you to know before we get married that I am a hooker."



    Phil turns to Michelle and says, "That's no problem - just open your stance a little bit."
    Callaway Rogue Sub-Zero / GD Tour AD DI 7-S
    Titleist 917-F3 / Aldila Rogue Black 95 MSI 80 S
    Callaway Apex 18 / UST Mamiya Recoil 780 ES F4
    TM M1 21 / Fujikura Pro 80h
    Callaway UT 4 Iron / GD Tour AD DI HYB S
    Srixon Z965 5-PW / DG TI S400
    Titleist SM7 54, 60 / DG S400
    Miura Giken M3
  • sprcoopsprcoop Tucson, AZMembers Posts: 812 ✭✭
    Do you know what the similarity is between a tornado and a divorce in (insert name of town you want to degrade)?



    One way or another somebody's gonna lose a trailer.



    Apologies to mobile home owners. My first home "purchase" was a mobile home, but it's still funny.

    Driver: TaylorMade R7 425CC 8.5* Grafalloy blue S
    3W: Titleist 910F 16.5 * Diamana Kai'li 75 Mid R
    5W: TourModel III True Temper S
    2I: TourModel III True Temper S
    3-PW: Mizuno MP 60 True Temper Dynamic Gold S300 S
    SW: TourModel III True Temper S
    Putter: Cobra Anvil 005
    Ball: Ksig 3 piece

  • WJLIIIWJLIII Members Posts: 262 ✭✭
    Tom Kite backs off the shot. I think he may have felt some wind from his rear.

    - Dave Marr, announcing at the Masters
  • gsea33gsea33 Members Posts: 707 ✭✭
    What does **** and a snowstorm have in common? Never know how many inches and when it's going to come.

    Titleist 975D 10.5
    Titleist 975F 14.5
    Titleist 975F 20.5
    Ping Eye 2 2, 4-SW BECU
    Titleist Acushnet Bullseye

  • Argonne69Argonne69 Members Posts: 20,974 ✭✭
    I'm not fat. I'm just.....easier to see. Safety 1st!
  • angler99angler99 Members Posts: 334 ✭✭
    How did the golfer break his arm?



    He fell off the ball washer.
  • North TexasNorth Texas Members Posts: 4,268 ✭✭
    angler99 wrote:


    How did the golfer break his arm?



    He fell off the ball washer.




    That joke is better when you're from Texas and it's an aggie joke.
  • angler99angler99 Members Posts: 334 ✭✭

    angler99 wrote:


    How did the golfer break his arm?



    He fell off the ball washer.




    That joke is better when you're from Texas and it's an aggie joke.


    That's funny because I grew up in Texas and left when I was 23. I also went to grad school at A&M.
  • LokiLoki Members Posts: 1,120 ✭✭
    Two Irish guys walk out of a bar...
  • straight crookedstraight crooked Members Posts: 44 ✭✭
    A Lion and a Cheetah race



    The Cheetah wins.



    The Lion says, "Hey, you Cheetah"



    The Cheetah says, "Hey, you Lion"
    Titleist 915 D3
    Titleist 915FD
    Bridgestone J15 CB 4-PW
    Callaway MD3 50/10 55/10 60/11
    Bettinardi Kuchar 1 Standard
    Bridgestone Tour B330-S
  • thug the bunnythug the bunny Members Posts: 6,141 ✭✭
    Two flies land on a piece of sh!t. One fly lifts his leg and lets a juicy [email protected] rip. The other fly says 'Hey! I'm trying to eat here!'.
  • DavePelz4DavePelz4 A golf course in the Chicago area.ClubWRX Posts: 24,537 ClubWRX
    Why did the little girl wash Thug the Bunny? Because her hare was dirty.
  • Argonne69Argonne69 Members Posts: 20,974 ✭✭
    Loki wrote:


    Two Irish guys walk out of a bar...




    Well, it could happen.
  • Argonne69Argonne69 Members Posts: 20,974 ✭✭
    A recent scientific study has found that women who gain a few pounds generally live longer than the men who mention it.
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