Best Driver of 2019 | Full Article _HERE_ | Discussion Thread _HERE_

Could Use A Laugh....

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  • Argonne69Argonne69  22612Members Posts: 22,612
    Joined:  #212
    Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when the phone rings. Pavlov gasps, "Oh sh*t, I forgot to feed the dogs".
    Posted:
  • GolfWRXGolfWRX Warning Points: 0  11 Members Posts: 11 #ad
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  • Argonne69Argonne69  22612Members Posts: 22,612
    Joined:  #213
    Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?



    He's 0K now.
    Posted:
  • WJLIIIWJLIII  267Members Posts: 267
    Joined:  #214
    So bad it’s funny.
    Posted:
  • thug the bunnythug the bunny  6141Members Posts: 6,141
    Joined:  #215
    Thanks Argonne, good sh!t right there...
    Posted:
  • Argonne69Argonne69  22612Members Posts: 22,612
    Joined:  #216
    Man walks up to the front desk at the library, and asks, "Do you have the new book about small sexual organs?"



    The librarian replies, "I'm sorry, it's not in yet."



    Man: "I'm not sure what the title is, but that's probably right."
    Posted:
  • Argonne69Argonne69  22612Members Posts: 22,612
    Joined:  #217
    The man who invented autocorrect has passed away.



    May he restaurant in peace.
    Posted:
  • GolfWRXGolfWRX Warning Points: 0  11 Members Posts: 11 #ad
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  • Argonne69Argonne69  22612Members Posts: 22,612
    Joined:  #218
    26275996_1592494620831557_510071905210859520_n.jpg
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  • Argonne69Argonne69  22612Members Posts: 22,612
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    1uktp01krb.jpg
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  • Argonne69Argonne69  22612Members Posts: 22,612
    Joined:  #220
    DUfqWfCWAAEI7Uw.jpg
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  • ramdorskyramdorsky  121Members Posts: 121
    Joined:  #221
    A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through.

    Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

    As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

    The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?
    Posted:
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    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Callaway RAZR(hy)..21*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Mizuno JPX900T.....4-10[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Scor...........................50*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Vokey..................54* 60*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]SC American Classic III[/font]
  • ramdorskyramdorsky  121Members Posts: 121
    Joined:  #222
    A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

    "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

    The husband calls 911 on his mobile, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

    His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

    "I'm dying here and you're putting?"

    "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

    "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

    "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
    Posted:
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Cobra Bio Cell Pro....10*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Taylormade RBZ.......15*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Callaway RAZR(hy)..21*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Mizuno JPX900T.....4-10[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Scor...........................50*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Vokey..................54* 60*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]SC American Classic III[/font]
  • GolfWRXGolfWRX Warning Points: 0  11 Members Posts: 11 #ad
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  • thug the bunnythug the bunny  6141Members Posts: 6,141
    Joined:  #223
    ramdorsky wrote:


    A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

    "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

    The husband calls 911 on his mobile, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

    His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

    "I'm dying here and you're putting?"

    "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

    "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

    "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."




    Alternate ending: "Just hang on honey, he's got a 20 ft birdie putt."
    Posted:
  • ramdorskyramdorsky  121Members Posts: 121
    Joined:  #224
    An older guy, not in the best of shape, was working out in the gym when he spotted a **** and beautiful young woman.

    He asked the nearby trainer, "What machine should I use in here to impress that cute young thing over there?"

    The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby."
    Posted:
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Cobra Bio Cell Pro....10*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Taylormade RBZ.......15*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Callaway RAZR(hy)..21*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Mizuno JPX900T.....4-10[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Scor...........................50*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Vokey..................54* 60*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]SC American Classic III[/font]
  • ramdorskyramdorsky  121Members Posts: 121
    Joined:  #225
    Idle Thoughts.....



    I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it

    ***************** ***

    I had amnesia once---or twice

    ***************** ***

    I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

    ***************** ***

    Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

    ***************** ***

    All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy

    ***************** ***

    If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

    ***************** ***

    What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

    ***************** ***

    They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

    ***************** ***

    Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

    ***************** ***

    Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. (Amen)!!!

    ***************** ***

    One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

    ***************** ***

    My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.

    ***************** ***

    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

    ***************** ***

    How can there be self-help "groups"?

    ***************** ***

    If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

    ***************** ***

    Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off

    ***************** ***

    Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

    ********************
    Posted:
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Cobra Bio Cell Pro....10*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Taylormade RBZ.......15*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Callaway RAZR(hy)..21*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Mizuno JPX900T.....4-10[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Scor...........................50*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Vokey..................54* 60*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]SC American Classic III[/font]
  • adam667220adam667220  889Members Posts: 889
    Joined:  #226
    After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th.



    He looked at his caddie and said, “I’ve played so badly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.”



    The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, “I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long.”
    Posted:
    BC+ Driver 10.5°
    BC+ 5 wood 16°
    Adam Idea Super XTD hybrid 21°
    Callaway X2 Hot Irons 5-AW
    52°,56°, 60° wedges
    Odyssey White Hot Pro 2cs
  • golfandfishinggolfandfishing  3690Members Posts: 3,690
    Joined:  #227
    After yet another terrible round Mr. Hugglebottom has had enough and heads to the locker room, humches over the sink and slits his wrists. He quietly sobs and accepts his fate as the life slowly drains from him. Just then his playing partner pops his head in and says “Hey Huggs, wanna play tomorrow?”

    He snaps up, puts his wrists together and says “What time?”
    Posted:
  • GolfWRXGolfWRX Warning Points: 0  11 Members Posts: 11 #ad
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  • ramdorskyramdorsky  121Members Posts: 121
    Joined:  #228
    A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

    One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her **** are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your **** to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your **** for a few seconds."

    Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her ****. "How long will this take?" she asks.

    "They'll grow slightly larger every day over a period of years," he replies.

    The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my **** every day will make my **** grow over the years?"

    The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"
    Posted:
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    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Taylormade RBZ.......15*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Callaway RAZR(hy)..21*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Mizuno JPX900T.....4-10[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Scor...........................50*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Vokey..................54* 60*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]SC American Classic III[/font]
  • thug the bunnythug the bunny  6141Members Posts: 6,141
    Joined:  #229
    What do you call a shy colorful carp?











    Koi.
    Posted:
  • DavePelz4DavePelz4 A golf course in the Chicago area. 25060ClubWRX Posts: 25,060
    Joined:  #230
    Ole was driving in traffic when he was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the Ole's car and asked, "Are you going to Oslo?"



    "Sure," answered Ole, "Do you need a lift?"



    "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be delivered to the Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble."



    "I'd be happy to," said Ole.



    So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of Ole's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.



    Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Oslo when suddenly he was horrified. There was Ole walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps.



    With a screech of brakes the truck driver pulled off the road and ran over to Ole.

    "What da **** are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."



    "Ya, Ya I know ya did," said Ole, "but yust as ve got der it looked like it vas goin ta rain, so ve decided to go see a movie instead."
    Posted:
  • Argonne69Argonne69  22612Members Posts: 22,612
    Joined:  #231
    I heard from a reliable source that Mrs. Pelz gave her husband a card that read, "Get Better Soon". Mr Pelz responded, "Hmmm, but I'm not sick".



    "I know", she said, "I just think you can get better".
    Posted:
  • thug the bunnythug the bunny  6141Members Posts: 6,141
    Joined:  #232
    DavePelz4 wrote:


    Ole was driving in traffic when he was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the Ole's car and asked, "Are you going to Oslo?"



    "Sure," answered Ole, "Do you need a lift?"



    "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be delivered to the Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble."



    "I'd be happy to," said Ole.



    So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of Ole's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.



    Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Oslo when suddenly he was horrified. There was Ole walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps.



    With a screech of brakes the truck driver pulled off the road and ran over to Ole.

    "What da **** are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."



    "Ya, Ya I know ya did," said Ole, "but yust as ve got der it looked like it vas goin ta rain, so ve decided to go see a movie instead."




    Alright, I gotta admit, it took me a couple seconds..a few seconds...
    Posted:
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  • Argonne69Argonne69  22612Members Posts: 22,612
    Joined:  edited Feb 9, 2018 #233
    I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals.



    Sadly, no pun in ten did.

    Posted:
  • Argonne69Argonne69  22612Members Posts: 22,612
    Joined:  #234
    What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?



    One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
    Posted:
  • ramdorskyramdorsky  121Members Posts: 121
    Joined:  #235
    HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!



    Stopped by the cops late at night....

    An elderly man was stopped by the cops around 2am and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

    Frank replied: "Oh, I'm on my way to a lecture.......about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking too much and staying out late."

    The officer then asked Frank, "Really? Who's giving that lecture this time of night?

    Frank replied: "Uh, that would be my wife!"
    Posted:
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    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Mizuno JPX900T.....4-10[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Scor...........................50*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Vokey..................54* 60*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]SC American Classic III[/font]
  • ramdorskyramdorsky  121Members Posts: 121
    Joined:  #236
    Will I Live to see 80?

    Here's something to think about.

    I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

    After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned " seventy-ish").

    A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,

    'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

    He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

    'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

    Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?

    'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

    'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, fishing, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?

    'No, I don't,' I said.

    He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of ****?'

    'No,' I said...

    He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a ****
    Posted:
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Cobra Bio Cell Pro....10*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Taylormade RBZ.......15*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Callaway RAZR(hy)..21*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Mizuno JPX900T.....4-10[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Scor...........................50*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Vokey..................54* 60*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]SC American Classic III[/font]
  • 8thehardway8thehardway  1900Members Posts: 1,900
    Joined:  #237
    WC Fields on playing golf...



    I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy
    Posted:
    Callaway Big Bertha 12.5*
    Jones/Ortiz 4 wood 17*
    Kasco hybrid 23*
    Adams Idea Black CB2 irons 26, 29, 33, 37, 41, 45*
    Callaway MD3 S grind 52, 56, C grind 60, PM grind 64*
    Tom Slighter Needle 450g, 3* loft, 74* lie
  • GolfWRXGolfWRX Warning Points: 0  11 Members Posts: 11 #ad
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  • ramdorskyramdorsky  121Members Posts: 121
    Joined:  #238
    God and St Francis on lawn care.... Imagine the conversation The Creator might have had with St. Francis on the subject of lawns:



    God: Hey St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect "no maintenance" garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

    St. Francis: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

    God: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

    St. Francis: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. The begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

    God: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

    St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it... sometimes twice a week.

    God: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

    St. Francis: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

    God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

    St. Francis: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

    God: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

    St. Francis: Yes, Sir.

    God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

    St. Francis: You are not going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

    God: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

    St. Francis: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

    God: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

    St. Francis: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. The haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

    God: And where do they get this mulch?

    St. Francis: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

    God: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. Sister Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

    Sister Catherine: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a real stupid movie about.....

    God: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
    Posted:
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    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Taylormade RBZ.......15*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Callaway RAZR(hy)..21*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Mizuno JPX900T.....4-10[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Scor...........................50*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Vokey..................54* 60*[/font]
    [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]SC American Classic III[/font]
  • adam667220adam667220  889Members Posts: 889
    Joined:  #239
    There's another thread about this in Tour Talk, but definitely belongs here as well.



    https://twitter.com/...075082418450432
    Posted:
    BC+ Driver 10.5°
    BC+ 5 wood 16°
    Adam Idea Super XTD hybrid 21°
    Callaway X2 Hot Irons 5-AW
    52°,56°, 60° wedges
    Odyssey White Hot Pro 2cs
  • Argonne69Argonne69  22612Members Posts: 22,612
    Joined:  #240
    Never depend on someone else to make you happy.



    That's what beer is for.
    Posted:
  • GolfWRXGolfWRX Warning Points: 0  11 Members Posts: 11 #ad
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  • Argonne69Argonne69  22612Members Posts: 22,612
    Joined:  #241
    This morning I was staring at my naked body in the mirror, and thought to myself, "I'm going to get kicked out of Ikea any minute now".
    Posted:
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