Best golf insults or one liners

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Comments

  • KAndyManKAndyMan JUST GOTTA SEND IT!!! Trident/Lowcountry areaMembers Posts: 380 ✭✭✭✭

    @touch said:
    When asked by a newcomer, " what's your handicap?"
    Reply
    " small dick and bad breath"
    They never see that one coming!

    Now thats funny as ****. That or if you forget someones name you just met just tell them "Sorry i forgot your name, my memory is the second shortest thing i got". Usually makes them laugh off the fact you forgot their name already.

  • ImpImp Fueled Members Posts: 6,022 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭
    edited Aug 14, 2019 3:16pm #63

    I hate the "what do you do for a living" question. I'm here to play golf, not find out what you do or tell you what I do (yeah, I know... networking, but if I told ya, I'd have to... you know...). Anyways, my answer is usually "as little as possible". Get a laugh out of most - except those that golf expressly to network. I have zero need for your stuff (I have all I need) and what I do is of no benefit to you.

    I mean , I used to say "I'm in the greeting card business", but kids these days have no clue about that anymore.

    --kC

    Callaway Rogue 10.5 / Callaway Rogue 3W / Mizuno JPX-EZ Forged Irons / Callaway MD4 52*, 58*, 64*
  • MychMych Members Posts: 1,959 ✭✭✭✭✭✭

    It's a simple one for me... Any time one of my buddies hits a god-awful shot I throw out "It's dry" just to twist the knife a little.

    "Of all the hazards, fear is the worst" - Sam Snead
    Main bag: Cobra Fly-Z 9.5~ F6 Baffler 16 ~ Baffler 2h ~ Forged Tec One 3i ~ King Forged One 4-P ~ King 50-V, 56-V wedges ~ Ping Tatum putter
    6 club minimalist: Cobra Forged Tec One 3i ~ Forged One 5/7/9 ~ Cleveland 588 Diadic 53* wedge ~ Ping Tatum putter ~ Silo Club Carrier
  • mwink822mwink822 Members Posts: 2,679 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭

    I've always liked "you're spraying it like Ron Jeremy"

    Titleist 917D3 9.5* Aldila Rogue Silver 125 MSI 80 TX
    Titleist 917F2 18* (turned down to 17.25*) Diamana S+ 80X
    4 - 718 Titleist AP3 Project X 6.0
    4-P 718 Titleist AP2 Project X 6.0
    White Satin Mizuno MP T7 51-08 Modus 3 105X
    Blue Ion Mizuno MP T7 55-09 Modus 3 105X Soft Stepped
    Blue Ion Mizuno MP T7 59-09 Modus 3 105X Soft Stepped
    Scotty Cameron Studio Select Fastback 1
  • dhacker56dhacker56 Lefty Boomers Posts: 805 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited Aug 15, 2019 4:38pm #66

    A long running Joke at my club. My name has TWO "n"'s on the end. The pro NEVER spells it correctly. Always leaves one "n" off. I always correct it and ask him to spell it correctly. Finally, in the first week of league this year it was spelled correctly. The other team had the card and kept the score. After the match I looked at the card to sign it and noticed he had spelled it correctly. When I laughed and said "Wow my name is never spelled correctly but is right tonight one of the opponents said "you mean he put the "b" in there? I said there is no "b" in my name. He said I have never seen "Dumbass" spelled correctly without one!!

  • bigred90gtbigred90gt Lefty Boomers Posts: 4,426 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭

    @Mych said:
    It's a simple one for me... Any time one of my buddies hits a god-awful shot I throw out "It's dry" just to twist the knife a little.

    “At least it’s still on the golf course” is a good substitute from time to time.

  • drvrwdgedrvrwdge Members Posts: 2,372 ✭✭✭✭✭✭

    "Tee balls overrated.."

    Ping G410 LST Fujikura EVO IV 661x 
    Ping G400 14.5 Fujikura EVO IV 757x 
    Ping i500 3i Ad 95x
    Ping iBlade DG TI X-100 Black Onyx
    Ping Glide Stealth 2.0 52/56/60 DG TI S400
    Ping Sigma 2 Tyne Steath, Stealth shaft. PP58 Black Cord
    '19 Pro V1
    Ping LE Camo Hooer '19
  • sCrod3ssCrod3s Members Posts: 164 ✭✭✭

    I hit a thin bladed cut layup on a par 5 once. Rolled 150 yards right down the fairway. Older guy we got paired up with yells out “condom shot!!!”. Me and my buddies all look at each other confused. The guy goes “didn’t feel good, but it’s safe!”. I’ve kept that line on standby ever since.

    Whenever you follow a birdie with a bogey, always need to say PBFU - post birdie f!$& up.

    Another one that usually comes out once a round whenever someone hits a drive straight as an arrow - “straight as a grizzly’s d$&@“.

  • DivinDaveDivinDave Longview TexasMembers Posts: 559 ✭✭✭✭✭

    Mine worst came from my ol lady. She likes to ride in the cart, admire the landscaping and drink wine. The first time I ever took her, I chunked one about 10 yards. She told me I was almost as bad at golf as I am in the sack........

    Experience - What's leaned just after you needed it most
  • bigred90gtbigred90gt Lefty Boomers Posts: 4,426 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭
    edited Aug 17, 2019 3:39pm #71

    @sCrod3s said:
    I hit a thin bladed cut layup on a par 5 once. Rolled 150 yards right down the fairway. Older guy we got paired up with yells out “condom shot!!!”. Me and my buddies all look at each other confused. The guy goes “didn’t feel good, but it’s safe!”. I’ve kept that line on standby ever since.

    Whenever you follow a birdie with a bogey, always need to say PBFU - post birdie f!$& up.

    Another one that usually comes out once a round whenever someone hits a drive straight as an arrow - “straight as a grizzly’s d$&@“.

    I call it the ol’ ABFU. After birdie f-up. And I have PLENTY of them.

  • ImpImp Fueled Members Posts: 6,022 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭

    Is there a thread like this for things not to have in your head? Like, bad swing thoughts?

    Walk up to 18th hole's tee box, make a note, "Cool, been playing this same ball all round."

    What happened next will amaze you!

    --kC

    Callaway Rogue 10.5 / Callaway Rogue 3W / Mizuno JPX-EZ Forged Irons / Callaway MD4 52*, 58*, 64*
  • rule_6rule_6 Members Posts: 4

    First post....figured I'd make it here.

    When asked for advice about improving i typically go with "take 2 weeks off, then quit".

  • rule_6rule_6 Members Posts: 4

    First post....figured I'd make it here.

    When asked for advice about improving i typically go with "take 2 weeks off, then quit"

  • dmecca2dmecca2 Scranton, PAMembers Posts: 22 ✭✭

    When someone hits a nice chip: "Ahhhhh, the touch of a pedo****"
    Just make sure you're good friends with the person first

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