Best golf insults or one liners

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  • KAndyManKAndyMan JUST GOTTA SEND IT!!! Trident/Lowcountry area 412WRX Points: 160Handicap: ManyMembers Posts: 412 Greens
    Joined:  #62

    On -, @touch said:

    When asked by a newcomer, " what's your handicap?"
    Reply
    " small dick and bad breath"
    They never see that one coming!

    Now thats funny as ****. That or if you forget someones name you just met just tell them "Sorry i forgot your name, my memory is the second shortest thing i got". Usually makes them laugh off the fact you forgot their name already.

    Posted:
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  • ImpImp Fueled  6202WRX Points: 279Handicap: 12.6Members Posts: 6,202 Titanium Tees
    Joined:  edited Aug 14, 2019 #63

    I hate the "what do you do for a living" question. I'm here to play golf, not find out what you do or tell you what I do (yeah, I know... networking, but if I told ya, I'd have to... you know...). Anyways, my answer is usually "as little as possible". Get a laugh out of most - except those that golf expressly to network. I have zero need for your stuff (I have all I need) and what I do is of no benefit to you.

    I mean , I used to say "I'm in the greeting card business", but kids these days have no clue about that anymore.

    --kC

    Posted:
    Callaway Rogue 10.5 / Callaway Rogue 3W / Mizuno JPX-EZ Forged Irons / Callaway MD4 52*, 58*, 64*
  • MychMych  2096WRX Points: 346Members Posts: 2,096 Platinum Tees
    Joined:  #64

    It's a simple one for me... Any time one of my buddies hits a god-awful shot I throw out "It's dry" just to twist the knife a little.

    Posted:
    "Of all the hazards, fear is the worst" - Sam Snead
    Main bag: Cobra Fly-Z 9.5~ Ping Anser 4w ~ Ping G30 3h~ Cobra Forged Tec One 3i ~ Cobra King Forged One 4-P ~ Cobra King 50-V, 56-V wedges ~ Ping Tatum putter
    6 club minimalist: Cobra Forged Tec One 3i ~ Forged One 5/7/9 ~ Cleveland 588 Diadic 53* wedge ~ Ping Tatum putter ~ Silo Club Carrier
  • mwink822mwink822  2694WRX Points: 155Members Posts: 2,694 Titanium Tees
    Joined:  #65

    I've always liked "you're spraying it like Ron Jeremy"

    Posted:
    Titleist TS4 8.5* Diamana D+ LTD 70 X
    Titleist 917F2 18* (turned down to 17.25*) Diamana S+ 80X
    4 - 718 Titleist AP3 Project X 6.0
    4-P 718 Titleist AP2 Project X 6.0
    White Satin Mizuno MP T7 51-08 Modus 3 105X
    Blue Ion Mizuno MP T7 55-09 Modus 3 105X Soft Stepped
    Blue Ion Mizuno MP T7 59-09 Modus 3 105X Soft Stepped
    Scotty Cameron Studio Select Fastback 1
  • dhacker56dhacker56  823WRX Points: 103Handicap: 3.8Lefty Boomers Posts: 823 Golden Tee
    Joined:  edited Aug 15, 2019 #66

    A long running Joke at my club. My name has TWO "n"'s on the end. The pro NEVER spells it correctly. Always leaves one "n" off. I always correct it and ask him to spell it correctly. Finally, in the first week of league this year it was spelled correctly. The other team had the card and kept the score. After the match I looked at the card to sign it and noticed he had spelled it correctly. When I laughed and said "Wow my name is never spelled correctly but is right tonight one of the opponents said "you mean he put the "b" in there? I said there is no "b" in my name. He said I have never seen "Dumbass" spelled correctly without one!!

    Posted:
  • bigred90gtbigred90gt  4820WRX Points: 552Lefty Boomers Posts: 4,820 Titanium Tees
    Joined:  #67

    On -, @Mych said:

    It's a simple one for me... Any time one of my buddies hits a god-awful shot I throw out "It's dry" just to twist the knife a little.

    “At least it’s still on the golf course” is a good substitute from time to time.

    Posted:
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  • drvrwdgedrvrwdge  2529WRX Points: 236Handicap: +.7Members Posts: 2,529 Titanium Tees
    Joined:  #68

    "Tee balls overrated.."

    Posted:
    Ping G410 LST Fujikura Ventus Black 6x
    Callaway Epic Flash SZ 15* (set to 16*) Diamana BF 70TX
    Srixon U85 20* Recoil 95 F
    Srixon z785 4-6 C Taper 130
    Srixon zForged 7-PW C Taper 130
    Cleveland RTX4 50/54/58 Modus 125 Wedge
    Ping Sigma 2 Tyne Steath, Stealth shaft. PP58 Black Cord
    '19 Pro V1x
    Jones Player Series Heather Brown
  • sCrod3ssCrod3s  169WRX Points: 61Members Posts: 169 Fairways
    Joined:  #69

    I hit a thin bladed cut layup on a par 5 once. Rolled 150 yards right down the fairway. Older guy we got paired up with yells out “condom shot!!!”. Me and my buddies all look at each other confused. The guy goes “didn’t feel good, but it’s safe!”. I’ve kept that line on standby ever since.

    Whenever you follow a birdie with a bogey, always need to say PBFU - post birdie f!$& up.

    Another one that usually comes out once a round whenever someone hits a drive straight as an arrow - “straight as a grizzly’s d$&

    On -, @“.
    Posted:
  • DivinDaveDivinDave Longview Texas 597WRX Points: 117Handicap: 13.8Members Posts: 597 Golden Tee
    Joined:  #70

    Mine worst came from my ol lady. She likes to ride in the cart, admire the landscaping and drink wine. The first time I ever took her, I chunked one about 10 yards. She told me I was almost as bad at golf as I am in the sack........

    Posted:
    Experience - What's leaned just after you needed it most
  • bigred90gtbigred90gt  4820WRX Points: 552Lefty Boomers Posts: 4,820 Titanium Tees
    Joined:  edited Aug 17, 2019 #71

    On -, @sCrod3s said:

    I hit a thin bladed cut layup on a par 5 once. Rolled 150 yards right down the fairway. Older guy we got paired up with yells out “condom shot!!!”. Me and my buddies all look at each other confused. The guy goes “didn’t feel good, but it’s safe!”. I’ve kept that line on standby ever since.

    Whenever you follow a birdie with a bogey, always need to say PBFU - post birdie f!$& up.

    Another one that usually comes out once a round whenever someone hits a drive straight as an arrow - “straight as a grizzly’s d$&

    On -, @“.

    I call it the ol’ ABFU. After birdie f-up. And I have PLENTY of them.

    Posted:
  • ImpImp Fueled  6202WRX Points: 279Handicap: 12.6Members Posts: 6,202 Titanium Tees
    Joined:  #72

    Is there a thread like this for things not to have in your head? Like, bad swing thoughts?

    Walk up to 18th hole's tee box, make a note, "Cool, been playing this same ball all round."

    What happened next will amaze you!

    --kC

    Posted:
    Callaway Rogue 10.5 / Callaway Rogue 3W / Mizuno JPX-EZ Forged Irons / Callaway MD4 52*, 58*, 64*
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  • rule_6rule_6  9WRX Points: 9Members Posts: 9 Bunkers
    Joined:  #73

    First post....figured I'd make it here.

    When asked for advice about improving i typically go with "take 2 weeks off, then quit".

    Posted:
  • rule_6rule_6  9WRX Points: 9Members Posts: 9 Bunkers
    Joined:  #74

    First post....figured I'd make it here.

    When asked for advice about improving i typically go with "take 2 weeks off, then quit"

    Posted:
  • dmecca2dmecca2 Scranton, PA 195WRX Points: 167Handicap: +3Members Posts: 195 Fairways
    Joined:  #75

    When someone hits a nice chip: "Ahhhhh, the touch of a pedo****"
    Just make sure you're good friends with the person first

    Posted:
  • pitcher33pitcher33  24WRX Points: 48Members Posts: 24 Bunkers
    Joined:  #76

    Well...at least youre on the fairway for the next hole! hahaha

    Posted:
  • rickdarris2004rickdarris2004 Fargo 20WRX Points: 36Handicap: 11Members Posts: 20 Bunkers
    Joined:  #77

    Some of these are great, might need to incorporate!

    Posted:

    Callaway Rogue SZ 9
    Callaway Rogue 4 Wood
    Callaway Apex 19 4 Hybrid
    Mizuno MPH4 4-PW
    Callaway MD3 50, 54, 58
    Scotty Futura 7M

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  • 7ironDave7ironDave  33WRX Points: 24Members Posts: 33 Bunkers
    Joined:  #78

    Buddy I play with has a huge incurable slice. Short par 4 over water. He slices 3 in the drink off the tee. He proceeds to throw his club into the water. I without hesitation said...”geez, you even sliced that”.
    Every time we play that hole we get a chuckle out of it.

    Posted:
  • StarFleetGolferStarFleetGolfer  10641WRX Points: 303Members Posts: 10,641 Titanium Tees
    Joined:  #79

    After they miss a putt:
    Everything but the line and speed or nice lay up.

    Posted:

    Callaway Mavrick
    Callaway Mavrick SZ 3W
    Callaway Superhybrid
    Titleist 510 20
    Titleist T100
    Vokey SM7 54 and 60
    Scotty Cameron T22

  • HellstormHellstorm  662WRX Points: 108Handicap: 12Members Posts: 662 Golden Tee
    Joined:  #80

    The best one I've ever heard....especially for Game of Thrones fans....after hitting a giant slice into the woods, my buddy gets out of the cart by where he thinks it went in. His old man......"Jesus, just drop one. You could have wrapped that ball in bacon and a pack of wolves couldn't find it in there." We all got a good laugh at his expense.

    Posted:
  • gatorgolfer86gatorgolfer86  79WRX Points: 52Members Posts: 79 Fairways
    Joined:  #81

    Get them going with. "Did you hear about the new super Wal Mart they are building out here." Then when they "oh really, that is a shame" comes but them with the "yea, between my drive and yours"

    Posted:
  • gatorgolfer86gatorgolfer86  79WRX Points: 52Members Posts: 79 Fairways
    Joined:  #82

    Also love, you know the problem with your swing, you are standing too close to the ball after you hit it

    Posted:
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  • lanzador49lanzador49 Sacramento 157WRX Points: 87Handicap: 11Members Posts: 157 Fairways
    Joined:  edited Sep 2, 2019 #83

    On -, @dcfas said:

    In less sensitive to gender days, the phrase, “Hit it, Alice” may have been heard every so often, usually after a short putt.

    Thing there is that the insult has nothing to do with gender or a woman’s name - the reference is to Peter Alliss, who was competing against Palmer in the 1963 Ryder Cup and missed some easy putts and hecklers said, “nice putt, Alliss!”

    So don’t concern yourself with gender or emasculation when we get to that one, anyway!!

    Posted:
  • lanzador49lanzador49 Sacramento 157WRX Points: 87Handicap: 11Members Posts: 157 Fairways
    Joined:  edited Sep 2, 2019 #84

    Someone begs for a “gimme” and asks, “...that good??” And you say, “well...that’s pretty good...”

    Cruel but poignant!! [Give the putt or you’ll pay for it later!]

    Posted:
  • Miss_TeeMiss_Tee  96WRX Points: 117Members Posts: 96 Fairways
    Joined:  edited Dec 9, 2019 #85

    When someone hits their ball into a water hazard or deep into woods . . . "That's an AMF ball." (Adios, Mother F#%&er)

    Posted:
    Post edited by Miss_Tee on
  • ldandrealdandrea dearborn 47WRX Points: 64Handicap: 18Members Posts: 47 Bunkers
    Joined:  #86

    I'm going to compile a top ten list from these for the podcast. If anyone has any new ones get them posted so I can shout you out next week.

    Posted:
  • TIM929TIM929 Los Angeles 1308WRX Points: 759Handicap: 11.1Members Posts: 1,308 Platinum Tees
    Joined:  edited Dec 6, 2019 #87

    love it how you are interacting forum content and members with the podcast!! listening for sure!

    Posted:
    Titleist TS3 10.5* Driver                  HZRDUS SMOKE 6.0       Tour Velvet std 
    Adams Tightlies 2 16*3 Wood        whatevers stock              Tour Velvet std  
    Titleist TS3 19*    Hybrid                 HZRDUS SMOKE 6.0       Tour Velvet std 
    Titleist 716 TMB  4-P                      DG S300                          Tour Velvet Align 2 wraps  
    Titleist SM7 52.12F (bent to 49.09)DG S400                           Tour Velvet plus4 1 wraps
    Titleist SM7 56.10S                         DG S400                          Tour Velvet plus4 1 wraps
    Titleist SM7 60.12D                        DG S400                           Tour Velvet plus4 1 wraps
    Titleist SC Terryllium Fastback 1.5  34" loft 6.5                       Pistolini Plus  
    Titleist PROV1                                 ball
    Kirkland sig                                     glove 
    FJ rain glove                                    glove (rain)  
     

    WITB:
    http://www.golfwrx.com/forums/topic/1729394-timbo929-witb/
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  • sharkiesjsharkiesj  3123WRX Points: 291Members Posts: 3,123 Titanium Tees
    Joined:  #88

    I’ve always used this but slightly different.


    Q: Is that good?

    A: It ain’t bad.

    Posted:
  • shoot4parshoot4par Life's A Course 412 240WRX Points: 86Handicap: 7ClubWRX Posts: 240 ClubWRX
    Joined:  #89

    Take on a herb brooks one liner was gonna try it out on a college buddy, "you're putting worse every day. Today you're putting like its the middle of next month."

    Posted:
    Jones did it with corn whiskey. Hogan with cigarettes & Tiger with will.
    If you were wondering the secrets in the dirt.

    WITB
    Driver: Callaway XR Pro 9* (N/S) Oban Kiyoshi Black 65g 04 (Iomic White .60)
    Callaway Epic Subzero 9* (N/S) (TC) Kiyoshi White 65g 04 Kiyoshi White  (Iomic White .60)
    Fairway Wood: Tour Edge Exotics CB Pro Limited 16.5* Kiyoshi White 75g 04 (Iomic White .60)
    Hybrid: CB Pro U 19* Kuro Kage 90s. (Iomic White .60)
    Irons: Miura 1957 Baby Blades 4-PW KBS TOUR 120s Black standard loft / standard lie (Iomic White .60)
    Wedges: Vokey Wedgeworks 52*, 56*, 60* KBS Matte Black 120s (Iomic White .60)
    Putter: Odyssey Metal X Milled #9

    WITB
  • tocinotocino  2360WRX Points: 138Members Posts: 2,360 Platinum Tees
    Joined:  #90

    I heard a guy tell his buddy "whoa... easy there He-man" after he blew his putt 20 feet past the whole and almost off of the green.

    Posted:
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  • KaysquareKaysquare Puppyluv  2204WRX Points: 183Handicap: 10Members Posts: 2,204 Platinum Tees
    Joined:  #91

    When someone putts but is still the farthest from the hole...."USGA" (you suck, go again)

    Posted:
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