2019 Stats and Stories From Golfing and Rangering in Michigan

2019 Stats and Stories

167 days of golf in Michigan (a day is at least 9 holes, but usually 27-36) for a total of 3,420 holes of golf. The worst stat? It was a drought for eagles. Probably had 25 putts for eagle and made ONE! I was cursed! In 2017 I had seven eagles in just August (and 1 the entire rest of the 2017 season).

2019 was an unusual year and I'm fairly certain I'll never top these numbers again.

Ranger Stories.

I ranger at two very different courses. These are some of my favorite stories from the 2019 season.

-First day at the new course and I get a call from the pro shop that I'm to go out to the sixth hole and remove a player. Why? This guy stood on the fence line facing a busy residential street, opened his fly and exposed his gear and pissed through the fence...right in front of a mother and her two kids. Unfortunately she got his description wrong and I didn't have enough information to boot him (and his three buddies all told a lie). The stupidity of this...the porta john was less than 150 yards away.

-With the new pot laws in Michigan (and now it's completely legal) both courses have a don't look/don't tell policy on pot smoking. There is a TON of pot smoking on the course and in the open. That said, nothing tops when I turned the corner around the forest and pulled up to the 15th tee. On the tee were two guys with a 2-3 foot glass bong, filled with some liquid, taking Marley sized bong hits. They must have a special pocket in their bag to hold that gear. 

-The, "I'm not drunk" guy. So we had a 24 person outing and these guys were completely trashed by the back nine (and the back nine is not easy). So me and the other ranger gently pushed them along and I'm on 18 waiting for the stragglers to get in. The final guy pulls up and shouts, "I'm not drunk". Then he shouts it again and again. So I tell him we don't give tickets for DUI. And then he says, "it's not my fault". The problem? He had basically driven the cart into a boulder at pace and completely destroyed one of the quarter panels. That clown got in his car and drove away. 

-Little Dustin...that's what we called him. He would show up on Sunday afternoons and usually play as a single. The problem? He would wait for the green to clear from 325 on two short par 4's and both 5's. He couldn't hit the ball a yard over 225. I must have talked to him a half dozen times during the season, but you can't reason with delusion.

-I must have seen 20,000 drives this year as a starter. The best swing, by far, was a woman from Thailand. One of the old school rangers (the guy is a total clown) gave her grief over playing from the men's blue tees, but I told her to play any tees she wanted. She flew it at least 238 over the trap on the first hole and most men can't do that.

-After watching 20,000 plus drives, I'm convinced the average player can't hit a drive over 225. Best new club, best balls, best everything, and 80% of them are not getting it much past 225.

-The, "just wait" guy. So I meet a ranger on 14th to play a few holes before my shift. He is paired with a twosome...one huge guy and one rather small guy. So I whisper on the tee box, "what are we waiting for...those guys are like 325 out". My ranger buddy said, "just wait". So this big guy gets up and hits it like 230. I look at my buddy and smile and he says again, "just wait". So this little guy does this weird preswing waggle and then he hits it. All season long I had never seen anything like this. This hole has a spot called, "the big tree". If you hit it to the big tree, you've done good. This guy flew it over the big tree. OVER. I lasered it at 364 yards. He then hit 8 iron and one putted for an eagle. Don't judge a book by it's cover.

-The worst foursome of the year. The record for the slowest play goes to a foursome that took 31 minutes for half their group to tee off on number two. They were so slow they had already let a foursome play through...on the first hole!

Thanks Moo. Good stuff...I look forward to more stories from 2019!

Thanks. I'm sure I'll have some good stories from 2020. There is no shortage of crazy behavior out there!

There must be an eagle shortage in Michigan, because I got completely shut out last year. I usually make 1-5 per year (it helps that I play a lot of rounds at a course -- Salem Hills -- where 2 of the par 5s are very reachable, and another I can get to with 2 very good shots), and I had probably 25-30 putts or reasonable chips at eagles (in 55-60 rounds), but I didn't get a single one to go down.

I agree!

I used to play Salem Hills a half dozen times a year, as it was about halfway between me and buddy...then he got married and that was the end of that. I always liked that course.

We have to do better on those eagles next year.

I play there early in the mornings 1-2 days a week before work during the season -- I'm usually the first off, and I can play 18 in under 2 hours. I play on a Publinx team and we had a match there one weekend, and it took about 5.5 hours to play, so I'd recommend avoiding it on the weekends..

Good to know. Under 2 hours is impressive. There are a bunch of courses on the west side I should play next season, but every time I head out that way I end up at Lyon Oaks or Moose Ridge. Next season I'm going to hit Salem and the Golden Fox.

As a fellow michigander and pot smoker, thanks for leaving me alone ?. Lyon oaks is probably my favorite course in that area. It's just perfect. Golden fox is nice, moose ridge there's a lot of cart path only, even in the summer. I don't mind Links of Novi or coyote either.

Me and a buddy we're playing a quick twilight at Willow metropark, we're in the fairway waiting for the green to clear on a dogleg left. Minding our business hitting our joint, the ranger slides behind us and I kid you not goes, dang that smells good. Have a good day guys. ?

Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely nothing against pot smokers. And I'm certain that plenty of rangers I know would have joined you.

Also, the number of problems that pot smokers caused on either of the two courses I ranger out...that would be zero problems. Contrast that to the drunks, who do cause problems with pace of play, course damage, and general sexual harassment of the poor cart girls. There is no contest.

A few years back one of my foursomes had a Sunday morning prepaid round...so you played it or you lost your greens fee. Two of our regulars couldn't make it so they send a pair of subs. On the first tee these guys started talking smack about playing against me and the other regular for $20 a hole. We declined, as we have a friendly game with just a total bet of ten bucks. So after the first hole my buddy says, "these guys are terrible, let's take their bet". I declined that idea and it was a good thing because as soon as we were out of sight of the clubhouse these two guys smoked and played some golf...some serious excellent golf. We would have certainly lost that bet. Every time we play that course someone will mention a shot that one of these pot smokers made on number 14, as it was downright amazing.

I've had some of those oh my shots when medicated, ive had plenty more lazy swings lol. There's a fine line just like the booze but yeah, we play incredibly fast lol.

LOL. I know plenty of pot smokers that are NOT excellent, so it's not the pot making the player.

There is a regular in our ranger skins game (he is not a ranger, but everyone likes the guy so he was invited to join). He smokes some seriously exotic stuff and once in a while he will zone out on the back 9. Other days he plays at a high level. He calls it his, "focus medicine".