Really need some advice

Hi Guys,

I have been a long time member and poster of the site but set up a new account to post this topic anonamously and I really need some help. Two days ago my life turned upside down and I really don't know how to proceed or what to feel, I am still in shock and I am in a bad spot, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I have been with my wife for 15 years and married for 8 years, I'm sure you know where this is going. Most of our time has been great together, I really love and care for her and I believe she loves me but there have been times where she has struggled with alcoholism and her family has a history with mental illness. I found out yesterday that she had two separate affairs and both lasting a few months in late 2015 and mid 2016. When I found out I didn't believe it at first as the girl I thought I knew had always been trustworthy, I thought I never had to worry. Both of these affairs were with colleagues that happened on business trips. The problem I have is that we went through IVF last fall and she is now pregnant with our first child. This is a horrible situation I am in and my head and heart are mixed with emotions, I am angry and heartbroken but now having a child on the way adds a different level of messed up, I cant eat or sleep.

My wife came clean this morning and confirmed what I had found out. She is crying and says she loves me and doesn't know why she did it but this changes everything, this is supposed to be the happiest time of our lives and I was so looking forward to be a dad. I don't know what to do going forward, I feel like I'm F&*ked either way. If I leave her my child will grow up in a broken home and if I stay I can no longer trust her and her betrayal will always be in my mind, I don't know if I will ever look at her the same. I am mad that she cheated and I am angry she didn't tell me before we decided to have a child, I feel like she trapped me and robbed me of choice. She said she didn't tell me because she knew I would leave. I am pissed, I'm sad, I have had plenty of chances to step out over the years but I never did because I knew the consequence would be life altering and I didn't want to hurt her, I wouldn't want her to feel like I feel now.

I have no one to really talk to about this which is why I am posting on a forum. I don't want to tell my family as I am ashamed, what would you do in my position?

You have to find a professional counsellor

‘sorry to read about your situation, so many tough aspects to sift thru and sort out

how did you find out about the affairs ?

My wife's sister sent me a drunken string of text messages 2 nights ago, I didn't believe it at first as she is mentally ill and will do anything to hurt my wife. I had planned to keep this to myself as I didn't want to upset my wife and put stress on the pregnancy but about 24 hours later I couldn't get my mind off of it so I called one of her best friends, the answers I got from her friend made me suspicious so I asked her, she denied at first and then came clean this morning. This hurts bad, I don't know what to do.

Probably as good a time as any to strengthen your grip (metaphorically speaking).

You two need professional help if you both want to remain in the marriage and raise your child together. Having parents in a good marriage is best for kids, but having parents separated is waaaaaay better than having both parents together that resent each other.

personally, This isn’t something I could past and I know my wife feels the same. However, your wife obviously had some addiction issues and that can make a person do things that they would not do normally. This is why a professional is needed - to determine if you can get past it and to determine if your wife now is the same person you married and that spell in between was a different person that took over her body. Be hopeful and open, but also prepared to move on from her and provide for your child the best you can. Also get a lawyer now, you can always drop them later.

A professional counselor is highly recommended. Many employers have EAP programs which offer these and other services anonymously. Also consider consulting with your spiritual minister/priest if you are so inclined.

Prayers that Grace and Healing be present with you as you move through this time.

God Bless.

Awful situation. I am a recovering alcoholic myself, for almost nine years. All of your wife’s behaviors are rooted in untreated alcoholism. Narcissism, selfishness, and a complete disregard for the respect you deserve are all symptoms of alcoholism. No one can force your wife to address her alcoholism including you. She must want to be sober herself. I would recommend professional counseling also. You should join a group called Al-Anon. Al-Anon won’t tell you how to straighten up your wife, it will help you manage your own life around her active alcoholism. It’s a support group for friends and family of those suffering from a loved ones’s alcoholism.

hope this helps.

My ex is an alcoholic. Drugs, too. Drove us into bankruptcy. Went to rehab. I'm sure she was cheating on me. She went a bit crazy when she was pregnant with our second kid. Doing drugs and drinking while pregnant. She finally got off the drugs and stopped drinking about a year or two after giving birth but the marriage was ruined. All we did was fight. We went to marriage counseling and she saw psychiatrist but she just wasn't interested. I thought the same as you. Be noble and stoic and responsible and stick it out. I found another woman and got close with her. She gave me the strength to leave my wife. She more or less opened my eyes that I would never be happy if I stayed. So I left. I slept around a lot until I found a great woman who made me settle down and marry her. Now, I'm extremely happy and have a wife that treats me the way I deserve to be treated. My advice to you is get a lawyer and get some counseling. These decisions would be easier if you were a jerk or cold-hearted. You sound like a nice, responsible man, like me. It's tough on men like us. We put in 100% and if we don't get what we should we think it's us and try harder. We think we can fix things. Sometimes nothing we can do will make things the way we want them. You can't make someone love you and treat you right.

Good luck. You have to take care of yourself.

Thanks for the feedback and advice guys, this really helps. I remember during 2015 and 2016/17 her drinking got so bad I threatened to leave her. I would come home from work and she would be drunk already, we would fight a lot about her drinking, the ironic thing is she would always defend her drinking by saying I play too much golf. I play about 2-3 weekdays when I can peel off from work early but spend the weekends and every other time with her, I don't think this was due to me playing golf but I think that was more of an excuse to enable her drinking.

A part of me wants to try to work it out for the child's sake, I want her to grow up with both parents around in a happy household but this is a really messed up situation. I am so mad I feel like going out and cheating on her to get even but that is not right.

I am going to see a lawyer on Monday and find a counselor to talk to.

Be cool headed. Take on one hurdle at a time. Prioritize, starting with a healthy child and working from there. You'll figure it all out. I would communicate all this to one of your family members. Their support would be helpful. No need to feel ashamed. You didn't create this.

Nobody can change your wife but her. I know you don’t want to raise a child in a broken home but you also may want to consider what raising that child in that environment will be like. Kids grow up in a home with a alcoholic will also struggle with their own relationships in life as well.

I would start by going to a lawyer.

once this child is born get a paternity test.

gather all your information and facts. Text messages, pictures, background checks. You may need this if you have to go to court. If this baby is yours you may need to try and get custody of it and leave her.

Cheating on her will only help her cause. You have no idea where or what she’s done moving forward. She may be lying to you about what she intends to do moving forward.

you need to walk the line. If she messes up you need to document it or photograph it.

This is bad, I found out this morning that this went on until spring of 2018 when the guys wife caught on. The messed up thing is she was pregnant in fall of 2017 and we lost it 8 weeks in, I was there to support her through the whole thing like I have always done and she went back to him. It is her boss from her job, I want to call the company HR department and tell them.

I've been in a similar situation and made it to the other side still married (10 years later). First and foremost, alcohol is never a reason for an affair. If she was too drunk to make a decision, that's rape. If it wasn't rape, then it was a consensual decision and should be addressed as such. We had been together 10, married 5, and our kids were 2 and 4. We separated for 8 months, which would be tough in your situation but I'd recommend at least a short break. If it can happen before the baby comes, all the better.

The key for me was to remember that a marriage is just a relationship and the same rules apply. If your friend is supposed to pick you up from work and never shows up, that doesn't mean you necessarily dump the friend, it means you shift the expectations of that friend to ensure your future health and safety.

For us, that meant really clearly establishing our priorities and stating why we were there, and it wasn't because of marriage vows. We were only there because we like each other and want to be around each other. Going forward, when that criteria isn't met, we don't need to be together. During our separation, we co-parented and I was anal about getting (and documenting) at least 50% of every responsibility (in preparation for a divorce that we backed out of). We had been together since college, so it was important to prove to myself that I didn't need her or anyone.

When we came back together, there were some very tough discussions. It hurt both of us to set new boundaries. She was still the person I wanted to wake up with, raise kids with, travel with, and talk to, but I'd likely never be "all-in" again for protection of my own emotional health. That doesn't mean it wouldn't hurt if she cheated again, it meant I wouldn't beat myself up trying to save the relationship again. It was proven that we could co-parent successfully, so there was nothing except our happiness in the relationship that needed to be used as a success criteria. We've never been 100% traditional, so for me it was really about the disrespect and selfishness of lying to me about where she was going and for what reasons. Just tell me, then I can get a girlfriend and we can both play by the same rules, lol.

We also set up "kid duty", "free time", and "date night" schedule to try to take some relationship pressure off. If I wanted to watch a game or go play softball/golf, she interpreted that as time that I didn't want to spend with her which wasn't true. She understands that now.

I'd also second the recommendation of getting professional help. I'd recommend both marriage and individual counseling for both of you. Don't make the mistake of saying "it was her fault, so she should be the one getting counseling". I considered it as my way of being better for my next partner and not bringing baggage to that next person (remember, we were headed for divorce).

Good luck, you've got a rough stretch ahead but set a goal of being a more emotionally mature person a year from now, regardless of whether you're still married or not. If there are substance abuse issues to deal with, your kid is going to need one emotionally present parent while the other one is getting things figured out.

As you make this journey, family and close friends will be valuable advocates. There are many advantages to fathers today that weren’t prevalent only a couple of decades ago. You have the opportunity as a father to raise your child in a positive environment because it is no longer “automatic” that a mother gets primary custody of a child in the case of divorce.

As for contacting the employer, many companies today take this very seriously. My company has us take sexual harassment training at least once a year. The last thing they want is a lawsuit and the publicity that would accompany it.

lastly, from my personal experience I can say this. There was a moment in time when the only thing I felt I had left was my integrity. I recognized this at the precise moment I had the opportunity to surrender it. I chose to maintain my good name and it has continued to serve me well even decades after the time of trial past. I offer this that it may give you strength and hope as you move forward.

If you live in a larger city, you should research attorneys trained in collaborative divorce. They can offer a different perspective than traditional litigators, as well as explain your options and rights. A consultation should range from free to a fairly minimal amount. Good luck to you.

Having been close to someone who was in a similar situation my recommendation is this:

1) have an honest conversation with yourself about what you can forgive. What’s done is done but now you have a decision to make. If this is going to be in the back of your mind for the rest of your marriage then leave now!

2) she starts rehab NOW. People who are addicts do jacked up things. They can change if they want to.

3) she needs to agree to a) marriage counseling and b) personal counseling. She has a lot to prove and the onus is on her to take action.

4) a paternity test is needed as soon as the child is born. As an attorney, in a hypothetical situation like yours, if you raise the child and later find out it isn’t yours you will still be on the hook for child support. That’s a bad cherry on the poop pie.

5) You can be a great father regardless of whether you are married or not. That is on you. Depending on the state in which you live and the severity of her addiction you can get custody if you want it.

Do not make a quick decision now. Think it through and be honest with yourself.

Good luck!

Thanks for the advice, my heart is really torn and I feel terrible. The easiest thing for me to do would be to blow this hole thing up, call her every name I can think of, get a bachelor pad and go on a rampage. That would feel incredibly good in the short term but now I have an innocent life to think about. I was raised in a happy 2 parent household and I want my child to experience all the love and advantages that come with having 2 parents in the house. After speaking all day with my family and my 2 best friends I am leaning towards reconciling and giving this a chance for the baby's sake. I am on a short timeline as I don't want to put my wife through prolonged stress as it is bad for the baby, and she is innocent.

My heart is broken but my brain is not so I am putting together some conditions before she returns to the house.

1 - I am going to ask her to agree to a prenup, I have built up material wealth that I am going to insist she has no claim to. If something happens in the future she can have 50% equity in the house and her 401K, nothing more. If she is sincere when she says she will spend the rest of her life making this up to me she shouldn't have anything to worry about.

2 - she cant work for this guy anymore. I am going to speak with a labor attorney tomorrow and send this guy an email and tell him he can either tender his resignation in 24 hours or I am going to HR, his bosses boss and blast the company as I have a distro list. This is a bit of a gamble as I want my wife to keep her job until she has the baby and then 3 months maternity but if that happens oh well, there is no way she can continue to work for him or have any contact. I work for a fortune company and if I every did this with one of my subordinates I would be walked out on the spot, her company will do the same.

3 - individual ongoing counseling and then marriage counseling, I want answers and for her to understand what is going on. Also she can never drink again.

4- cut the sister out of our's and baby life completely, her mental illness is destructive and I don't want that anywhere near my family.

You don’t need a counselor to tell you if she has the ability to change, you probably already know. You can’t have a relationship with someone you can’t trust.

if you don’t 100% believe in her commitment, don’t leave, raise your kid yourself, show her the door.

my mother is a bad alcoholic, my father hasn't drank in 23 years. I have my moments. I have also helped ruin a marriage with too much golf and drinking combined with not spending enough time on my marriage. My advice on her drinking is not to fight with her when shes drunk... no one wins. She's struggling and most likely knows it. Everyone has a fight or flight response and when backed into a corner and faced with ultimatums she of course is going to blame other things. Instead of saying you do this, you do that.... ask her what she needs to you in terms of support. Try not to say you can never drink again... as she is young and that is a daunting task for anyone considering the social pressures. Plus like you... shes trying to save a marriage and a family. It will not work if you pressure her to do anything. She has to want to I think you need to understand this is going to be hard work for her and you. You need to decide if you want to support her or not because saying quit... is easy, supporting the quitting process even with the bumps is hard.

Her blaming your golf is not fair but at the time maybe she did need more from you in terms of support and communication that could have helped her through that time. From my struggles and experience you get nothing out of the blame game and saying you did this, you did that. It just backs people up and triggers the fight response. My advice would be to work on your communication first probably with help from a marriage counselor. My guess it she was experiencing depressions and needed someone to lean on. You didn't know because of the lack of communication which is the responsibility of both parties.

My parents divorced when I was 3 and I lived with my mom... bounced around from house to house when she couldn't pay rent. We had power, gas etc all shut off at certain times due to unpaid bills but she always had a drink. Most of the time to the point of passing out on the couch where I couldn't wake her up. She has lost so many jobs over the decades because she was drinking or drunk. Shes ended up in jail, lost her license, I moved out when I was 13 followed by my sister doing the same a couple years later. My dad quit drinking as soon as I moved in with him.

My childhood was a mess. I was held back in grade 2 because of reading... turns out I was dyslexic and I have ADD. Always suspended through grade 7. Then a new school and I was able to shake the reputation. I was a honor roll student and eventually went to college and now I have a successful career. I do struggle with drinking... as I've decided not to drink until I can figure things out.

I think if you try to get her boss to quit... its going to lead to an awful work situation for her. Remember it takes 2. That reputation can following her and probably will. My advice is she deals with it until mat leave. Then she uses at least some of that time to find a new job.

The point of all that is..... you can have a horrible childhood with divorced parents and still turn out fine. Don't worry about the child growing up in a divorced home, as that's probably better than a home where the parents are together only for the kid (s). As for the cheating... you need to decide what you can and cant get past and make a decision from there. Minus the kid, this situation is very similar to my first marriage, except I was the drinker, golfer and my wife cheated on me with who knows who and how many times. She ended up marrying the guy who was her boss at the time.

Looking at your previous post here is what you want her to do

-she signs a prenup

-quit work or you report her boss

-individual and marriage counselling

-never drink again

-cut her sister out of your lives

I know she cheated and she has the drinking problem... but your asking a lot during normal times and putting all the responsibility on her. There is a massive chance she will fail. You should probably slow down and start with both of you doing individual counseling and marriage counseling. They can do wonders on your communication but also on how to deal with the other issues and go from there. Do small steps and don't ask the world of her to start. Tackle the issues one by one as that is more realistic.

Good luck and I wish you all the best. Do things for yourself and what will make you happy.

That's a lot of demands and easy for a pregnant woman to agree to in the short term only to become resentful in a year. You're saying here are my demands to stay married. Spouses don't always respond well to demands.

I don't see a prenup being enforceable but I'm not an attorney. You're already married and you're basically making her sign it under duress as she's pregnant and you're threatening to divorce her if she doesn't sign it. Sounds like duress to me. You've accumulated this wealth while you were married. She's entitled to whatever your state's laws says she's entitled to should you divorce.I'm not seeing how this is a labor issue. It's not sexual harassment unless she wants to claim there was some quid pro quo agreement. And it sounds like there wasn't. I recommend not going down this route. It's your wife who has to change and leave the job. Blowing things up at her job won't be good for her or you. It might not end the way you envision it will. If you blast everyone about your wife's infidelity you're better off just divorcing her in private and maintaining some dignity. Some states allow you to sue the other person for loss of affection. You're looking for retribution. Focus on yourself for now. Consult a divorce attorney before a labor attorney. You might not get answers or the answers you're looking for. Why people cheat is a complicated subject with many reasons. Counselors might be more focused on the present and future than the past.It's her sister and she's family and she's ill. Wife might not agree to that. Of if she does, will she just talk to her sister on the sly.Alcoholics are good at promising that they won't drink again and promising they'll change. Been there. Didn't work out for me. And what if she does drink again in a year? You stuck with her through an affair but you're going to divorce over a night of drinking?

I feel terrible for you. This may sound bad, but I've come to realize that every man is an island. What's important to you? If it were me, I'd want to take care of the kid. Realize that may mean 18 years of a pain in your arse. The kid needs a dad. Other than that, take the time to figure out what YOU want. You married a project, it sounds like. I really feel for you... Remember that you only have one life. It's yours to do what YOU want with it.

Hey guys,

I am angry but I am not trying to come off as a jerk, and despite everything I don't want to be a jerk to my wife. I am keeping this information limited to our parents and my 2 best friends because I don't want people to look and treat her differently.

I want her to sign a post nup so I am protected, she said she will sign it without even reading the terms but that is not right. I want her to have her 401K and half of the house but I earn more than her and have made consistent investments over the years that were worth than pocket change before the COVID crash, I want to ensure the accounts I have built are not at risk in the future.

As for the drinking she is an alcoholic that loses control when she drinks, nothing good comes from her drinking she is going to have to find a way to get that sorted and abstain. She was able to quit cold turkey when we started having discussions on IVF so I know she can do it.

Also her sister is mentally ill and has been in and out of our lives. My wife has been trying to cut ties with her for years but this is likely the final push. There is a narcassist on my side of the family and I saw the destruction that was caused over the years, this person has been estranged for 15+ years now. I don't want that energy around our family.

We are both planing to go to counseling, individual and then couples. The is hard because I love her and even though she did all the cheating I know she is hurting inside as well. She is remorseful and wants to work to make things right, to be honest this stopped almost 2 years ago and our marriage had been really good over that period.

You are a kinder man than I am. Nothing wrong with that. Good luck. Once again...I feel for you.

like I said its about breaking it down into manageable steps for her and you being supportive. Giving ultimatums is not support. This is why I said before you discuss the rest... counseling, both individual and couple should be the first step and that should provide you and her guidance on the next steps and how to tackle them.

feel for you I do. Addictive tendencies are brutal on relationships. I’ve seen what they have done on my wife’s side of the family. Her brother died an alcoholic and all the will in the world from the rest of the family meant jack shit as it has to come from them, no one else. He died in a ditch as his liver etc gave up

If it was me, I’d get all the investments sorted out, get custody of the child when born, have everything documented and walk away. I know that sounds harsh; but the most important thing is you and the child, the end. Not her, her family nothing.

You are doing what my wife’s family did, trying to rationalize and say it’s not her fault. Making excuses etc. I know you don’t know me from Adam and I may be being harsh. There’s 3 sides to a story, hers yours and the truth in between.

But if she’s an alcoholic. I wouldn’t want my kids growing up around that. Also all the other nonsense going on with family members. It’s easy sat here and comment and I don’t know probably 99% of who you both are, but sometimes you have to ensure you and the child are number1. If that means walk in a year or so, then you have to do it.

I feel for you Blue.. Protect yourself at EVERY turn, it is time to be selfish.

Start here:https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

Honest answer. I'd cut and run now. You can still be a good dad to the kid without the toxic relationship. Or worst case scenario, if she's an alcoholic cheater, get custody. There's no reason you should be the white knight getting bent over for her happiness. Your happiness matters, too.

..and more honesty. Are you 1200% sure you guys lost the first pregnancy? Or was it 'his' she fixed that, then made damn sure via IVF that it would be yours, effectively rendering her 'factory' unavailable for at least a few months more of playtime with stunt C's to get her 'wild oats' sowed out of her system so she could be the doting wifey and mama bear...maybe...unless the urge never goes away..... Not trying to be a jerk here but I've seen this a LOT due to my profession with coworkers, friends, and myself.

Over 50% of marriages fail, for a variety of reasons. Alcohol problems + habitual infidelity + guy allowing himself to get walked on / convenient locked up pregnancy = the light at the end of your tunnel ain't the moon, my friend. I'm sorry for being blunt but I've been there, done that.

Face it. She's lied to you over and over and you're still believing everything she's telling you. You're the perfect mark for a woman like her. She deserves to fear losing you, perhaps more honesty will come out before it's too late.