Could Use A Laugh....

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  • rymail00rymail00 Members Posts: 6,704 ✭✭
    edited Feb 12, 2017 #32
    What's up Medic! Hope this one helps!! I definitely thought it was funny. These guys do a bunch golf comedy vids.



    Give it a quick watch.



    https://youtu.be/qUj_qqVxVrE
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  • deetsaldeetsal deetsal Members Posts: 1,380 ✭✭
    BrianL99 wrote:

    deetsal wrote:


    The preacher is indigent, " I am shocked, he trusted us as men of God, I for one have a conscience, I put in a check for the full amount ".




    Indigent, huh?
    Yea, my spalling has always sucded.
  • dciccorittidciccoritti An inch an hour, 2 feet a day Toronto, CanadaMembers Posts: 1,586 ✭✭


    Wife's Diary:

    Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

    On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

    When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

    Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

    My life is a disaster.



    Husband's Diary, same day:

    A two-foot putt.. Who the **** misses a two-foot putt?

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  • dciccorittidciccoritti An inch an hour, 2 feet a day Toronto, CanadaMembers Posts: 1,586 ✭✭


    A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

    She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.



    'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.

    'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'



    'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother.

    You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'



    'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'



    'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'



    'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. Tell me all about it!'



    'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.



    And its flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'



    'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate!

    But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'



    'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off.



    'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.



    'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! While I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'



    'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.



    'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished,'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, he dropped the squirrel right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'



    Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said “You missed the f****** putt, didn't you?”

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  • DickaDicka Members Posts: 120 ✭✭
    Guy laying on his death bed with his wife at his side...he whispers for her to come closer.



    "Dear, I love you with all my heart. When I'm gone, I want you to find love again and be happy. And I want you to give my golf clubs to your next husband".



    She replies "Thank you dear, very sweet of you. But he's left handed".
  • rymail00rymail00 Members Posts: 6,704 ✭✭
    Lol, there some definite great posts in this thread.



    Thanks for the laughs.
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  • DavePelz4DavePelz4 A golf course in the Chicago area.ClubWRX Posts: 24,499 ClubWRX
    After finishing his sermon for the day, the Preacher proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.



    "Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Jonathan's hand.



    As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?" the preacher asked.



    "Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!"



    "I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.



    "I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."
  • VivaTerlinguaVivaTerlingua Members Posts: 241 ✭✭
    Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?







    He'd stay up all night wondering if there was a dog.
  • disco111disco111 Members Posts: 1,013 ✭✭
    Husband and wife, both good golfers, out at a new course. Come to the 5th hole, 360 yd dog leg right. Husband on the tee taking longer than usual and the wife says, your thinking about cutting the dog leg and driving the green aren't you?......He says, well i am hitting it great today and I'm 2 under to here, so yeah, lets give it a go. Needles to say he blocks it right and they find his ball in the adjacent field, about 3 feet from a wall of an old farm house. Well this sucks, he says and the wife states......well there's nothing on the card that says anything about an OB and there's no OB stakes, so I say your still in play...........Husband says, I'm too close to th wall and won't get it up and over. She says, there's a door right here, I'll hold it open and you pitch it through, your only 40 yds away. She holds the door open and he takes a swing, hits a shank and it hits her in the head and kills her........Two years go by and he's out playing that course with his buddies. Same hole, same shot behind the wall, buddies say to bad take an unplayable and drop. One of the guys says, no wait, Here's a door, I'll hold it open and you can pitch it through......He looks at him and says, are your crazy, last time I did that I double bogied the hole....... image/tongue.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':tongue:' />
  • justwellsyjustwellsy Members Posts: 972 ✭✭
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  • umassgolferumassgolfer Members Posts: 795 ✭✭
    disco111 wrote:


    3 guys on the 1st tee and starter asks to put a lady with them, says she's a good player and she's good looking.......Guy's say Ok and during the course of the round, she holds her own. Now on the 18th green and looking at a 10 foot putt, she turns and says "you guys have been so nice to me today, so if one of you can help me make this putt, I'll have **** with you".......First guy jumps down to the ground and says, looks like it will break left, second guy says nah!, slight right at the hole.....third guy steps behind the ball, looks down and says, "that's good, pick it up" image/pimp.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':pimp:' />




    That was my grandfather's favorite joke... Of course in his version Guy 1 was the grandson, guy 2 was the dad and...you guessed it...the grandfather gave the putt to the gal
  • FergusonFerguson Members Posts: 4,859 ✭✭
    Horse walks in to a bar and sits down - bartender walks over and says, "hey, what's with the long face?"
  • bangabainbangabain Members Posts: 190 ✭✭
    Girl runs into the Pro Shop and yells to the Pro "HELP, HELP! I've been stung by a bee!"



    So the Pro asks, "Where did you get stung?" to which she replies "Between the first and second hole!"



    The pro is silent for a moment, pondering...then says matter-of-factly "Well, I think your stance is too wide!"





    *cue audience groans, exit stage right*
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  • No_Catchy_NicknameNo_Catchy_Nickname Kyushu,_JapanMembers Posts: 5,323 ✭✭
    Ferguson wrote:


    Horse walks in to a bar and sits down - bartender walks over and says, "hey, what's with the long face?"




    Follow-up to that one:



    Bear walks into a bar and says the barman, "I'd like a pint of bitter, a gin and tonic, and errrrrrrrrrr.............................





    ............a shot of whisky."



    The barman goes, "sure, but tell me, why the big pause?"
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  • FergusonFerguson Members Posts: 4,859 ✭✭
    Here we go,



    A duck walks into a bar, orders a drink, and says to the bartender, “Put it on my bill.”
  • dciccorittidciccoritti An inch an hour, 2 feet a day Toronto, CanadaMembers Posts: 1,586 ✭✭

    Ferguson wrote:


    Horse walks in to a bar and sits down - bartender walks over and says, "hey, what's with the long face?"




    Follow-up to that one:



    Bear walks into a bar and says the barman, "I'd like a pint of bitter, a gin and tonic, and errrrrrrrrrr.............................





    ............a shot of whisky."



    The barman goes, "sure, but tell me, why the big pause?"




    A skeleton walks into a bar. Sits down and says to the bartender "Give me a beer......and a mop".

    There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self. - Ernest Hemingway

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  • Neverfadeaway86Neverfadeaway86 Members Posts: 240 ✭✭
    joke my grandpa told me as a young boy.



    I bet you if we go outside I can jump higher than this house ! so we go outside take a look and I say no way that house is atleast 20 ft tall and no way you can jump that high, Grandpa says I will prove to you I can jump higher than this house. So grandpa moves a few feet away in the driveway and unleashes a jump that only gets a few inches off the ground. I say TOLD you so, you cant jump higher than this house, that is when Grandpa says of Course I did because a house cant jump
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  • adam667220adam667220 Members Posts: 861 ✭✭
    Saw this a few years back at a rural course.
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  • FergusonFerguson Members Posts: 4,859 ✭✭
    A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the fly of his pants. The bartender takes a look at him, a look at the steering wheel, and says "Hey buddy, you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate response, "Arrr, it's driving me nuts!"
  • FergusonFerguson Members Posts: 4,859 ✭✭
    A pile of trash walks into a bar at the country club. Bartender says, “Hey, didn’t I throw you out yesterday?”
  • snoilr1snoilr1 Members Posts: 508 ✭✭
    edited Feb 14, 2017 #52


    Ferguson wrote:


    Horse walks in to a bar and sits down - bartender walks over and says, "hey, what's with the long face?"




    Follow-up to that one:



    Bear walks into a bar and says the barman, "I'd like a pint of bitter, a gin and tonic, and errrrrrrrrrr.............................





    ............a shot of whisky."



    The barman goes, "sure, but tell me, why the big pause?"




    A skeleton walks into a bar. Sits down and says to the bartender "Give me a beer......and a mop".




    A man walks into a bar. He says, "ouch!"
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  • augustgolfaugustgolf Golf with dignity Coastal NCMembers Posts: 3,902 ✭✭
    One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.

    The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”.

    The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she wouldn’t talk to me for a month”.

    The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”?

    The man said “Well the month is up tonight”.
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  • augustgolfaugustgolf Golf with dignity Coastal NCMembers Posts: 3,902 ✭✭
    A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.

    After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

    The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.

    In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate.

    What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler.

    Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

    The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”



    (rim shot)
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  • augustgolfaugustgolf Golf with dignity Coastal NCMembers Posts: 3,902 ✭✭
    There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.

    The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

    The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

    The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

    The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

    Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

    The man looks up and says, "Apparently, my wife does."
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  • 3sip3sip Members Posts: 408
    edited Feb 14, 2017 #56
    a bear walks into a bar and orders a beer bartender says"we don't serve bears beer in this bar" the bear says "if you don't serve me a beer I will maul and eat that lady at the end of the bar!"

    "I'm sorry but we don't serve bears beer in this bar"

    so the bear runs down to the end of the bar and attacks the lady rips her arms and legs off blood flying every where and proceeds to eat her entire body. when he finished he walks back to the bartender and orders a beer.

    bartender says, "sorry we don't serve drug addict bears beer in this bar"

    the bear stands up and says "what do you mean drug addict? I'm no drug addict!"

    bartender says " what about that bar-b*tch-u-ate?"
  • cardoustiecardoustie haha, we don't play for 5's Members Posts: 12,026 ✭✭
    Guy is on a golf holiday on his own. Let's say the Poconos. Trying to find his mojo as his wife has divorced him and left him lonely and contemplative. He has 7 days of golf, drinking and relaxation planned. He's near scratch and rarely loses. He's even on golfwrx.



    On day 1 a stunning woman asks to join him on the first tee and they get along fabulously all week. Every golf round is a tight battle with the woman winning by one or 2 shots over the closing three holes



    She's a great golfer, fun to be around and a vixen in the sack. Our man is deeply in love and so happy to have found someone that also loves the game



    By day 7 he has thinking this is the one, and she senses what is happening and decides to let her new lover in on her little secret.



    "I used to be a man" she sadly babbles as the sun is setting on the last few closing holes. The man is taken aback and is red with fury and blurts out "you rotten little tart .. and all this week you've been playing off the red tees!!!!!!"
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  • Argonne69Argonne69 Members Posts: 20,852 ✭✭
    True story. I walk into the men's room at work a few weeks back to take a leak. I'm standing at the urinal, and there's a guy in one of the toilet stalls having a very rough go at it. I mean he's really straining. I can picture sweat running down his forehead. After 10 to 15 seconds he lets out an enormous ****, pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttttttttttttt. The sound echos out of the toilet bowl like a bullhorn, and the sound fills the bathroom. Then...silence.



    Two or three seconds pass, and then I hear Siri's voice, "I'm sorry, but I didn't get that."



    I had to bite my tongue to not bust out laughing. Of course, it would have been funnier with other responses, such as "The nearest Chipotle is at 300 S. Franklin St".
  • dciccorittidciccoritti An inch an hour, 2 feet a day Toronto, CanadaMembers Posts: 1,586 ✭✭
    Argonne69 wrote:


    True story. I walk into the men's room at work a few weeks back to take a leak. I'm standing at the urinal, and there's a guy in one of the toilet stalls having a very rough go at it. I mean he's really straining. I can picture sweat running down his forehead. After 10 to 15 seconds he lets out an enormous ****, pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttttttttttttt. The sound echos out of the toilet bowl like a bullhorn, and the sound fills the bathroom. Then...silence.



    Two or three seconds pass, and then I hear Siri's voice, "I'm sorry, but I didn't get that."



    I had to bite my tongue to not bust out laughing. Of course, it would have been funnier with other responses, such as "The nearest Chipotle is at 300 S. Franklin St".




    Ok that was hysterical :-D

    There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self. - Ernest Hemingway

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  • WJLIIIWJLIII Members Posts: 262 ✭✭
    When playing golf today, I hit two good balls.

    I stepped on a rake.

    Henny Youngman
  • cardoustiecardoustie haha, we don't play for 5's Members Posts: 12,026 ✭✭
    True Story



    When my youngest daughter was about 3 we're at the club for dinner and she has to go #2 immediately



    Take her into the men's room and she's in the middle stall, outside 2 stalls are full



    After some time, I hear the plop and then this little voice "Dada, dere's corn down dere." The two guys in the outside stalls burst out laughing
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