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Could Use A Laugh....


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A toast to the bride and groom:

 

"I wish you the kind of joy kids experience when the ketchup makes a fart sound".

Ping G425 Max Driver 12 (0 Flat) - Aldila Ascent Red 50 Stiff (46")
TaylorMade AeroBurner Mini Driver 16 - Matrix Speed RUL-Z 60 Stiff
Ping G410 7wd 20.5 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 65 Stiff (43")
Ping G410 9wd 23.5 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 65 Stiff (42.5")
Ping G425 6h 30 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 70 Stiff
PXG 0311P Gen3 6-P (2 Deg Weak, 1 Deg Flat) - True Temper Elevate 95 S /

Ping i200 6-P Orange Dot (2 Deg Weak, 2 Deg Flat) - True Temper XP 95 S
Ping Glide 4.0 52-12 S, 56-10 Eye2, and 60-10 S Orange Dot (2 Deg Flat) - Ping Z-Z115 Wedge
PXG Blackjack 36" - SuperStroker Flatso 2.0

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One of the best used cars ads ever:

 

You want a car that gets the job done? You want a car that’s hassle free? You want a car that literally no one will ever compliment you on? Well look no further.

The 1999 Toyota Corolla.

car.jpg

Let’s talk about features.

Bluetooth: nope

Sunroof: nope

Fancy wheels: nope

Rear view camera: nope…but it’s got a transparent rear window and you have a f*cking neck that can turn.

car-2.jpg

Let me tell you a story. One day my Corolla started making a strange sound. I didn’t give a sh*t and ignored it. It went away. The End.

You could take the engine out of this car, drop it off the Golden Gate Bridge, fish it out of the water a thousand years later, put it in the trunk of the car, fill the gas tank up with Nutella, turn the key, and this puppy would f*cking start right up.

This car will outlive you, it will outlive your children.

Things this car is old enough to do:

Vote: yes

Consent to sex: yes

Rent a car: it IS a car

car-3.jpg

This car’s got history. It’s seen some sh*t. People have done straight things in this car. People have done gay things in this car. It’s not going to judge you like a f*cking Volkswagen would.

Interesting facts: This car’s exterior color is gray, but it’s interior color is grey. In the owner’s manual, oil is listed as “optional.” When this car was unveiled at the 1998 Detroit Auto Show, it caused all 2,000 attendees to spontaneously yawn. The resulting abrupt change in air pressure inside the building caused a partial collapse of the roof. Four people died. The event is chronicled in the documentary “Bored to Death: The Story of the 1999 Toyota Corolla”

You wanna know more? Great, I had my car fill out a Facebook survey.

Favorite food: spaghetti

Favorite tv show: Alf

Favorite band: tie between Bush and the Gin Blossoms

car-4.jpg

This car is as practical as a Roth IRA. It’s as middle-of-the-road as your grandpa during his last Silver Alert. It’s as utilitarian as a member of a church whose scripture is based entirely on water bills.

When I ran the CarFax for this car, I got back a single piece of paper that said, “It’s a Corolla. It’s fine.”

Let’s face the facts, this car isn’t going to win any beauty contests, but neither are you. Stop lying to yourself and stop lying to your wife. This isn’t the car you want, it’s the car you deserve: The f*cking 1999 Toyota Corolla.

Ping G425 Max Driver 12 (0 Flat) - Aldila Ascent Red 50 Stiff (46")
TaylorMade AeroBurner Mini Driver 16 - Matrix Speed RUL-Z 60 Stiff
Ping G410 7wd 20.5 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 65 Stiff (43")
Ping G410 9wd 23.5 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 65 Stiff (42.5")
Ping G425 6h 30 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 70 Stiff
PXG 0311P Gen3 6-P (2 Deg Weak, 1 Deg Flat) - True Temper Elevate 95 S /

Ping i200 6-P Orange Dot (2 Deg Weak, 2 Deg Flat) - True Temper XP 95 S
Ping Glide 4.0 52-12 S, 56-10 Eye2, and 60-10 S Orange Dot (2 Deg Flat) - Ping Z-Z115 Wedge
PXG Blackjack 36" - SuperStroker Flatso 2.0

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One of the best used cars ads ever:

 

You want a car that gets the job done? You want a car that’s hassle free? You want a car that literally no one will ever compliment you on? Well look no further.

 

The 1999 Toyota Corolla.

 

car.jpg

 

Let’s talk about features.

 

Bluetooth: nope

 

Sunroof: nope

 

Fancy wheels: nope

 

Rear view camera: nope…but it’s got a transparent rear window and you have a f*cking neck that can turn.

 

car-2.jpg

 

Let me tell you a story. One day my Corolla started making a strange sound. I didn’t give a sh*t and ignored it. It went away. The End.

 

You could take the engine out of this car, drop it off the Golden Gate Bridge, fish it out of the water a thousand years later, put it in the trunk of the car, fill the gas tank up with Nutella, turn the key, and this puppy would f*cking start right up.

 

This car will outlive you, it will outlive your children.

 

Things this car is old enough to do:

 

Vote: yes

 

Consent to sex: yes

 

Rent a car: it IS a car

 

car-3.jpg

 

This car’s got history. It’s seen some sh*t. People have done straight things in this car. People have done gay things in this car. It’s not going to judge you like a f*cking Volkswagen would.

 

Interesting facts: This car’s exterior color is gray, but it’s interior color is grey. In the owner’s manual, oil is listed as “optional.” When this car was unveiled at the 1998 Detroit Auto Show, it caused all 2,000 attendees to spontaneously yawn. The resulting abrupt change in air pressure inside the building caused a partial collapse of the roof. Four people died. The event is chronicled in the documentary “Bored to Death: The Story of the 1999 Toyota Corolla”

 

You wanna know more? Great, I had my car fill out a Facebook survey.

 

Favorite food: spaghetti

 

Favorite tv show: Alf

 

Favorite band: tie between Bush and the Gin Blossoms

 

car-4.jpg

 

This car is as practical as a Roth IRA. It’s as middle-of-the-road as your grandpa during his last Silver Alert. It’s as utilitarian as a member of a church whose scripture is based entirely on water bills.

 

When I ran the CarFax for this car, I got back a single piece of paper that said, “It’s a Corolla. It’s fine.”

 

Let’s face the facts, this car isn’t going to win any beauty contests, but neither are you. Stop lying to yourself and stop lying to your wife. This isn’t the car you want, it’s the car you deserve: The f*cking 1999 Toyota Corolla.

 

 

That is F'ing awesome! You must have got it from 'best of craigslist'?

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Dog 1: I heard a great joke today

 

Dog 2: What is it?

 

Dog 1: Knock, kn-

 

Dog 2: <goes absolutely nuts>

 

 

7c6ac3982ed2082aa157d619bd7d4869.jpg

Ping G425 Max Driver 12 (0 Flat) - Aldila Ascent Red 50 Stiff (46")
TaylorMade AeroBurner Mini Driver 16 - Matrix Speed RUL-Z 60 Stiff
Ping G410 7wd 20.5 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 65 Stiff (43")
Ping G410 9wd 23.5 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 65 Stiff (42.5")
Ping G425 6h 30 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 70 Stiff
PXG 0311P Gen3 6-P (2 Deg Weak, 1 Deg Flat) - True Temper Elevate 95 S /

Ping i200 6-P Orange Dot (2 Deg Weak, 2 Deg Flat) - True Temper XP 95 S
Ping Glide 4.0 52-12 S, 56-10 Eye2, and 60-10 S Orange Dot (2 Deg Flat) - Ping Z-Z115 Wedge
PXG Blackjack 36" - SuperStroker Flatso 2.0

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st-so-depressing-you-might-as-well-have-a-good-laugh-23.jpg

Ping G425 Max Driver 12 (0 Flat) - Aldila Ascent Red 50 Stiff (46")
TaylorMade AeroBurner Mini Driver 16 - Matrix Speed RUL-Z 60 Stiff
Ping G410 7wd 20.5 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 65 Stiff (43")
Ping G410 9wd 23.5 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 65 Stiff (42.5")
Ping G425 6h 30 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 70 Stiff
PXG 0311P Gen3 6-P (2 Deg Weak, 1 Deg Flat) - True Temper Elevate 95 S /

Ping i200 6-P Orange Dot (2 Deg Weak, 2 Deg Flat) - True Temper XP 95 S
Ping Glide 4.0 52-12 S, 56-10 Eye2, and 60-10 S Orange Dot (2 Deg Flat) - Ping Z-Z115 Wedge
PXG Blackjack 36" - SuperStroker Flatso 2.0

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Now that's what I call AI:

 

st-so-depressing-you-might-as-well-have-a-good-laugh-17.jpg

Ping G425 Max Driver 12 (0 Flat) - Aldila Ascent Red 50 Stiff (46")
TaylorMade AeroBurner Mini Driver 16 - Matrix Speed RUL-Z 60 Stiff
Ping G410 7wd 20.5 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 65 Stiff (43")
Ping G410 9wd 23.5 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 65 Stiff (42.5")
Ping G425 6h 30 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 70 Stiff
PXG 0311P Gen3 6-P (2 Deg Weak, 1 Deg Flat) - True Temper Elevate 95 S /

Ping i200 6-P Orange Dot (2 Deg Weak, 2 Deg Flat) - True Temper XP 95 S
Ping Glide 4.0 52-12 S, 56-10 Eye2, and 60-10 S Orange Dot (2 Deg Flat) - Ping Z-Z115 Wedge
PXG Blackjack 36" - SuperStroker Flatso 2.0

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Conversation overheard at a party:

 

Person 1: What else was ruined because too many people started doing it?

 

Person 2: Having sex with my wife.

Ping G425 Max Driver 12 (0 Flat) - Aldila Ascent Red 50 Stiff (46")
TaylorMade AeroBurner Mini Driver 16 - Matrix Speed RUL-Z 60 Stiff
Ping G410 7wd 20.5 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 65 Stiff (43")
Ping G410 9wd 23.5 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 65 Stiff (42.5")
Ping G425 6h 30 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 70 Stiff
PXG 0311P Gen3 6-P (2 Deg Weak, 1 Deg Flat) - True Temper Elevate 95 S /

Ping i200 6-P Orange Dot (2 Deg Weak, 2 Deg Flat) - True Temper XP 95 S
Ping Glide 4.0 52-12 S, 56-10 Eye2, and 60-10 S Orange Dot (2 Deg Flat) - Ping Z-Z115 Wedge
PXG Blackjack 36" - SuperStroker Flatso 2.0

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Guy is on the 1st tee taking practice swings. right in the middle of a practice swing a voice booms over the loudspeaker from the pro shop. "would the gentleman on the ladies tee please step back and play from the men's tee." He pays no attention and goes back through his routine. Again the voice comes over the loudspeaker "would the gentleman on the ladies tee please step back and play from the men's tee" slightly more agitated this time. He ignores it once again. He is about to hit the ball when the voice comes over the speaker again "Sir, please step back to the men's tee!" Finally the guy turns around and yells "would the Word not allowedhole on the loudspeaker please shut up so I can play my 2nd shot!"

 

Man and woman are lying in bed. Man says "Honey I love you so much. I want you to know if I die, I want you to get re married and be happy." The woman says she would. The man says "would you let him sleep in our bed?" The woman says "I suppose so...we would be married after all." The man replies "would you let him use my golf clubs?" The woman says, "no. He is left handed."

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  • 3 weeks later...

Don't be ashamed of who you are.

 

(That's your parent's job)

Ping G425 Max Driver 12 (0 Flat) - Aldila Ascent Red 50 Stiff (46")
TaylorMade AeroBurner Mini Driver 16 - Matrix Speed RUL-Z 60 Stiff
Ping G410 7wd 20.5 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 65 Stiff (43")
Ping G410 9wd 23.5 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 65 Stiff (42.5")
Ping G425 6h 30 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 70 Stiff
PXG 0311P Gen3 6-P (2 Deg Weak, 1 Deg Flat) - True Temper Elevate 95 S /

Ping i200 6-P Orange Dot (2 Deg Weak, 2 Deg Flat) - True Temper XP 95 S
Ping Glide 4.0 52-12 S, 56-10 Eye2, and 60-10 S Orange Dot (2 Deg Flat) - Ping Z-Z115 Wedge
PXG Blackjack 36" - SuperStroker Flatso 2.0

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  • 4 weeks later...

There are 5 types of fear:

  • Terror
  • Panic
  • Username or password is incorrect
  • "We need to talk"
  • 20 missed calls from Mom

Ping G425 Max Driver 12 (0 Flat) - Aldila Ascent Red 50 Stiff (46")
TaylorMade AeroBurner Mini Driver 16 - Matrix Speed RUL-Z 60 Stiff
Ping G410 7wd 20.5 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 65 Stiff (43")
Ping G410 9wd 23.5 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 65 Stiff (42.5")
Ping G425 6h 30 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 70 Stiff
PXG 0311P Gen3 6-P (2 Deg Weak, 1 Deg Flat) - True Temper Elevate 95 S /

Ping i200 6-P Orange Dot (2 Deg Weak, 2 Deg Flat) - True Temper XP 95 S
Ping Glide 4.0 52-12 S, 56-10 Eye2, and 60-10 S Orange Dot (2 Deg Flat) - Ping Z-Z115 Wedge
PXG Blackjack 36" - SuperStroker Flatso 2.0

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How I made my Fortune

 

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingured his expensive wool vest, leaned back in his chair and said, "Well, son it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickle." "I invested that nickle in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested that ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80." "Then my wife's father died and left us five million dollars."

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The Secret to a Long Life

 

A doctor, on his morning walk, noticed an old lady who must have been at least 95 years old. She was sitting on her front step, smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and I don't exercise at all." "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?" "Forty," she replied...

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The Secret to a Long Life

 

A doctor, on his morning walk, noticed an old lady who must have been at least 95 years old. She was sitting on her front step, smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and I don't exercise at all." "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?" "Forty," she replied...

 

On the flip side of that.

 

 

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How to ask for a raise

 

Employee: Excuse me, sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well, sir, as you know, I have been an employee of

this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a

raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I

decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is

just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the

current economic downturn has had a negative impact on

sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard

work, proactiveness, and loyalty to this company for over a

decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I

don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you

a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.

How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies

were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, the Gas Company, the

Water Company, and the Mortgage Company!

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Thoughtful Husband

 

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to

their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier; just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together--It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her". The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "Yes", answered the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries

a golf bag while we walk?" This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

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Golf Instructions

 

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE. - NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF

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Guy is on the 1st tee taking practice swings. right in the middle of a practice swing a voice booms over the loudspeaker from the pro shop. "would the gentleman on the ladies tee please step back and play from the men's tee." He pays no attention and goes back through his routine. Again the voice comes over the loudspeaker "would the gentleman on the ladies tee please step back and play from the men's tee" slightly more agitated this time. He ignores it once again. He is about to hit the ball when the voice comes over the speaker again "Sir, please step back to the men's tee!" Finally the guy turns around and yells "would the Word not allowedhole on the loudspeaker please shut up so I can play my 2nd shot!"

 

Man and woman are lying in bed. Man says "Honey I love you so much. I want you to know if I die, I want you to get re married and be happy." The woman says she would. The man says "would you let him sleep in our bed?" The woman says "I suppose so...we would be married after all." The man replies "would you let him use my golf clubs?" The woman says, "no. He is left handed."

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

It's not diffcult to make a woman happy. It doesn't take much. A man only needs to be:

 

1. A friend

2. A companion

3. A lover

4. A brother

5. A father

6. A master

7. A chef

8. An electrician

9. A carpenter

10. A plumber

11. A mechanic

12. A decorator

13. A stylist

14. A sexologist

15. A gynecologist

16. A psychologist

17. A pest exterminator

18. A psychiatrist

20. A healer

21. A good listener

22. An organizer

23. Very clean

24. Sympathetic

25. Athletic

26. Warm

27. Attnetive

28. Gallant

29. Intelligent

30. Funny

31. Creative

32. Tender

33. Strong

34. Understanding

35. Tolerant

36. Prudent

37. Ambitious

38. Capable

39.Courageous

40. Determined

41. True

42. Dependable

43. Passionate

44. Compassionate

 

Without Forgetting To:

 

45. Give her compliments regularly

46. Love to go shopping

47. Be honest

48. Be relatively rich

49. Not stress her out

50. Not look at other women

 

And at the same time, you must also:

 

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes or who

she is with

 

But it is also very important to:

 

54. Never to forget:

a. birthdays

b. anniversaries

c. arrangements she makes

d. her parents

 

How To Make A Man Happy

 

1. Leave him alone

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It's not diffcult to make a woman happy. It doesn't take much. A man only needs to be:

 

1. A friend

2. A companion

3. A lover

4. A brother

5. A father

6. A master

7. A chef

8. An electrician

9. A carpenter

10. A plumber

11. A mechanic

12. A decorator

13. A stylist

14. A sexologist

15. A gynecologist

16. A psychologist

17. A pest exterminator

18. A psychiatrist

20. A healer

21. A good listener

22. An organizer

23. Very clean

24. Sympathetic

25. Athletic

26. Warm

27. Attnetive

28. Gallant

29. Intelligent

30. Funny

31. Creative

32. Tender

33. Strong

34. Understanding

35. Tolerant

36. Prudent

37. Ambitious

38. Capable

39.Courageous

40. Determined

41. True

42. Dependable

43. Passionate

44. Compassionate

 

Without Forgetting To:

 

45. Give her compliments regularly

46. Love to go shopping

47. Be honest

48. Be relatively rich

49. Not stress her out

50. Not look at other women

 

And at the same time, you must also:

 

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes or who

she is with

 

But it is also very important to:

 

54. Never to forget:

a. birthdays

b. anniversaries

c. arrangements she makes

d. her parents

 

How To Make A Man Happy

 

1. Leave him alone

 

OMG best post in this thread. Sure glad I didn't have wine in mouth when I read the end...

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  • 2 weeks later...

OK, all set to ask the wife what's wrong.

 

GN4_DAT_7590391.jpg--bomb_squad_make_safe_explosive_device_in_athy.jpg

Ping G425 Max Driver 12 (0 Flat) - Aldila Ascent Red 50 Stiff (46")
TaylorMade AeroBurner Mini Driver 16 - Matrix Speed RUL-Z 60 Stiff
Ping G410 7wd 20.5 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 65 Stiff (43")
Ping G410 9wd 23.5 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 65 Stiff (42.5")
Ping G425 6h 30 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 70 Stiff
PXG 0311P Gen3 6-P (2 Deg Weak, 1 Deg Flat) - True Temper Elevate 95 S /

Ping i200 6-P Orange Dot (2 Deg Weak, 2 Deg Flat) - True Temper XP 95 S
Ping Glide 4.0 52-12 S, 56-10 Eye2, and 60-10 S Orange Dot (2 Deg Flat) - Ping Z-Z115 Wedge
PXG Blackjack 36" - SuperStroker Flatso 2.0

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OK, all set to ask the wife what's wrong.

 

GN4_DAT_7590391.jpg--bomb_squad_make_safe_explosive_device_in_athy.jpg

 

It's not that bad, cause you know that all they ever say is "nothing". Then if you want some extra credit, you say "are you sure honey?", and they say "yes I'm sure", and now you have your hall pass and can watch football, play golf, drink beer, etc. Woo hoo!

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  • 3 weeks later...

The Outdoors Man's Physical

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level, and so he described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four leaks" behind big trees." Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!" "No," he replied, "I'm just a sh**ty golfer.

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File this under the category of cruel and unusual punishment.

 

In 2017, a Kansas man robbed a bank, hoping to get arrested and sentenced to prison, so he could get away from his nagging wife.

 

The judge found him guilty, and sentenced him to house arrest. :swoon:

Ping G425 Max Driver 12 (0 Flat) - Aldila Ascent Red 50 Stiff (46")
TaylorMade AeroBurner Mini Driver 16 - Matrix Speed RUL-Z 60 Stiff
Ping G410 7wd 20.5 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 65 Stiff (43")
Ping G410 9wd 23.5 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 65 Stiff (42.5")
Ping G425 6h 30 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 70 Stiff
PXG 0311P Gen3 6-P (2 Deg Weak, 1 Deg Flat) - True Temper Elevate 95 S /

Ping i200 6-P Orange Dot (2 Deg Weak, 2 Deg Flat) - True Temper XP 95 S
Ping Glide 4.0 52-12 S, 56-10 Eye2, and 60-10 S Orange Dot (2 Deg Flat) - Ping Z-Z115 Wedge
PXG Blackjack 36" - SuperStroker Flatso 2.0

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  • 1 month later...

If you drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8 ball, you can see the future. Trust me. My friend Dave did this once, and he said, "I think I'm going to die."

 

And he did. Whoa.

Ping G425 Max Driver 12 (0 Flat) - Aldila Ascent Red 50 Stiff (46")
TaylorMade AeroBurner Mini Driver 16 - Matrix Speed RUL-Z 60 Stiff
Ping G410 7wd 20.5 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 65 Stiff (43")
Ping G410 9wd 23.5 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 65 Stiff (42.5")
Ping G425 6h 30 (0 Flat) - Alta CB 70 Stiff
PXG 0311P Gen3 6-P (2 Deg Weak, 1 Deg Flat) - True Temper Elevate 95 S /

Ping i200 6-P Orange Dot (2 Deg Weak, 2 Deg Flat) - True Temper XP 95 S
Ping Glide 4.0 52-12 S, 56-10 Eye2, and 60-10 S Orange Dot (2 Deg Flat) - Ping Z-Z115 Wedge
PXG Blackjack 36" - SuperStroker Flatso 2.0

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A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband

started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he

calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

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The Afghan QB

 

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan, In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!"

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