Could Use A Laugh....

[Argonne69]

Last night I downloaded a bootleg copy of Bohemian Rhapsody. Unfortunately all I could see was a little silhouette of a man.

 

Bummer. So I'm guessing you didn't do the Fandango? Poor boy.

 

 

[DavePelz4]

I'm really embarrassed to admit what I did for a Klondike bar.

[DavePelz4]

The fact that there is a Stairway to Heaven and a Highway to Hell pretty much tells you where most of us are going.

[Argonne69]

The fact that there is a Stairway to Heaven and a Highway to Hell pretty much tells you where most of us are going.

 

It's 2018. Wouldn't that now be a Tollway to Hell? And none of this open road tolling cr*p. I'm talking 64 toll booths with only one open and a 72 mile backup, and staffed by the slowest, most obnoxious tollway worker the Devil could find. You know, kind of like the 83rd St. toll plaza on I-294 in the late 80's.

[DavePelz4]

The fact that there is a Stairway to Heaven and a Highway to Hell pretty much tells you where most of us are going.

 

It's 2018. Wouldn't that now be a Tollway to Hell? And none of this open road tolling cr*p. I'm talking 64 toll booths with only one open and a 72 mile backup, and staffed by the slowest, most obnoxious tollway worker the Devil could find. You know, kind of like the 83rd St. toll plaza on I-294 in the late 80's.

 

That's the IL Tollway to Hell. How else are we going to pay for all the former governors in jail?

[DavePelz4]

Ah Christmas time is upon us and that means Mrs. Pelz's mother has begun her annual visit of torture holiday sharing of love. As is our tradition, she and I share special bottles of wine that we've found for each other which symbolize our feelings for each other.

 

Her gift to me...

 

 

Knowing she's a fan of Grenache's, I found this for her...

 

 

There's nothing like sharing the season with those you are forced to tolerate love with all your heart.

[DavePelz4]

Just read a WSJ article that yeast sales are on the rise.

 

Who knew you could make dough with yeast.

 

 

[Qqq123xx]

There are two types of hotel guests: those who ask when tomorrow's breakfast begins, and those who ask when it ends. Which type are you?

When it ends, or what day is this?

[Qqq123xx]

From the makers of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter™, introducing:

• It Might Be Bread
  
• Let's Just Say It's Cream Cheese
  
• It Almost Tastes Like Jam
  
• Sure, It's "Maple Syrup"
  
• Smells a Bit Like Eggs
  

Thankfully I had white wine and not red.

[Birdie Mac]

Haven't read every page, so apologies if this has already been posted:

 

A guy comes running into the pro shop in a panic, tears running down his face, saying "Oh my God, I need help! I sliced the ball really bad off the tee on the 8th hole and it hit the windshield of a car. The guy lost control and crashed in the ditch. I think I may have killed him. Please help!"

 

The pro says, "Ok, calm down. You're leaving the clubface open at impact. Let's take a look at your grip."

[ramdorsky]

2 cows are standing next to each other in a field. daisy says to dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning" "I don't believe you" says dolly" It's true, no bull!"

[DavePelz4]

We need to start a campaign for next New Year's Eve to have Barbara Walters host the countdown. As we move into the new year, she can say "I'm Barbara Walters and this is 2020."

[Hawkeye77]

The fact that there is a Stairway to Heaven and a Highway to Hell pretty much tells you where most of us are going.

 

I Can't Drive 55- so I'll already be there to greet you!

 

God, there's some funny stuff in here.

[Hawkeye77]

In light of yesterday's first rule issue of 2019:

 

DJ bought a chainsaw on his Ace Hardware Man's representation he could saw through and stack 4 cords of wood in an afternoon.

 

Took it back, says to the guy, "Hey, I was barely able to cut about a dozen pieces of firewood."

 

Ace Hardware Man fires it up - DJ recoils in horror, exclaiming, "What's that noise?!"

[CapnSwagga]

This came from another golf group I follow.

 

An elderly golfer comes in after his round, heading to the clubhouse he spots a sign that reads:

 

Cold beer-4.00

Cheeseburger-7.00

Chicken sandwich-8.50

Hand job-100.00

 

Double taking he re reads the sign again carefully then checks his wallet and counts his money.

 

Walking up to the bar he sees an exceptionally good looking young lady. She glides over to him and says "yes"? with a wide knowing smile. The old golfer quite embarrassed asks her "Are you the one who gives the handjobs"?

 

She looks at the wrinkled old man still smiling and purrs "why yes I am".

 

The old man leans in close and says "will you wash your hands becuase I want a cheeseburger".

[DavePelz4]

Over the weekend I received a text that said, "Please know I'm here for you." Thought it was a nice text regarding a recent life event. I responded with "That's so kind of you as always but I recently changed my phone out and lost some contact numbers. Do you mind sharing who it is?"

 

"Sure...it's your Uber driver."

 

Oops.

[ohioglfr]

If you could use a laugh, maybe golf isn't for you. Try another sport . . . say, karate.

 

[DavePelz4]

This one just doesn't need words...

 

[Jacob37]

Do they have to be golf jokes???

 

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over

his mouth.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Sir, I'm only

here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me.

Are my testicles black?"

 

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart

rate from worrying about them.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says,

"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

"Are - My -Test - Results - Back

 

Hahhaa that’s good there

[adam667220]

[DavePelz4]

This morning I read an article where the "Flat Earth Society" says they have members all around the globe. Whaaaat?

 

[Argonne69]

Worst. Joke. Ever.

 

Q: What's the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a lobster with breast implants?

 

A: One's a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

[DavePelz4]

Mrs. Pelz was in the kitchen the other day making "laughing stock." She asked for my funny bone but I didn't find that humerus in the least.

[Argonne69]

Urban - Suburban - Rural

 

If you stand naked on your front porch, and the neighbors can't see you...it's rural

 

If you stand naked on your front porch, and the neighbors call the cops...it's suburban.

 

If you stand naked on your front porch, and the neighbors ignore you...it's urban.

 

Bonus: If you stand naked on your front porch, and your wife locks the door behind you...you're probably at the Pelz' residence.

 

[DavePelz4]

Since she started reading Hebrews 2 in her Bible, Mrs. Pelz thinks I'm supposed to bring her coffee in the morning.

[TIM929]

> @DavePelz4 said:

> Since she started reading Hebrews 2 in her Bible, Mrs. Pelz thinks I'm supposed to bring her coffee in the morning.

 

LOL

[DGenerick]

lol didn't know there were Golf jokes.

[DavePelz4]

I realized this morning that coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc.

 

That's what I won't give until I have coffee.

[TIM929]

> @DavePelz4 said:

> I realized this morning that coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc.

>

> That's what I won't give until I have coffee.

 

LOL!!! MAN!!

[DavePelz4]

This morning one of my RN's said "I really appreciate how you went the extra mile for me." She didn't realize that I just missed the exit.