Best golf insults or one liners

[Wander Bread]

My favorite one and a go-to

Guy in the group hits a poor shot and is acting all confused as to how that happened.

Response: I think you have a LOFT problem

Wait for the guy to respond (a lot of times they go yeah you may be right)

And then the next response: Yeah definitely a LOFT problem, Lack Of F*ucking Talent

 

Got a guy with that the other day and the caddie who had been on mini tours for years and played with everyone from John Daly to Ernie Els lost it and had never heard it before. As long as you use it in the right situation it's a can't miss!

[KAndyMan]

> @touch said:

> When asked by a newcomer, " what's your handicap?"

> Reply

> " small dick and bad breath"

> They never see that one coming!

>

>

 

Now thats funny as ****. That or if you forget someones name you just met just tell them "Sorry i forgot your name, my memory is the second shortest thing i got". Usually makes them laugh off the fact you forgot their name already.

[Imp]

I hate the "what do you do for a living" question. I'm here to play golf, not find out what you do or tell you what I do (yeah, I know... networking, but if I told ya, I'd have to... you know...). Anyways, my answer is usually "as little as possible". Get a laugh out of most - except those that golf expressly to network. I have zero need for your stuff (I have all I need) and what I do is of no benefit to you.

 

I mean , I used to say "I'm in the greeting card business", but kids these days have no clue about that anymore.

 

--kC

[Mych]

It's a simple one for me... Any time one of my buddies hits a god-awful shot I throw out "It's dry" just to twist the knife a little.

[mwink822]

I've always liked "you're spraying it like Ron Jeremy"

[TwistedSister]

A long running Joke at my club. My name has TWO "n"'s on the end. The pro NEVER spells it correctly. Always leaves one "n" off. I always correct it and ask him to spell it correctly. Finally, in the first week of league this year it was spelled correctly. The other team had the card and kept the score. After the match I looked at the card to sign it and noticed he had spelled it correctly. When I laughed and said "Wow my name is never spelled correctly but is right tonight one of the opponents said "you mean he put the "b" in there? I said there is no "b" in my name. He said I have never seen "Dumbass" spelled correctly without one!!

[bigred90gt]

> @Mych said:

> It's a simple one for me... Any time one of my buddies hits a god-awful shot I throw out "It's dry" just to twist the knife a little.

 

 

“At least it’s still on the golf course” is a good substitute from time to time.

 

[drvrwdge]

"Tee balls overrated.."

[sCrod3s]

I hit a thin bladed cut layup on a par 5 once. Rolled 150 yards right down the fairway. Older guy we got paired up with yells out “condom shot!!!”. Me and my buddies all look at each other confused. The guy goes “didn’t feel good, but it’s safe!”. I’ve kept that line on standby ever since.

 

Whenever you follow a birdie with a bogey, always need to say PBFU - post birdie f!$& up.

 

Another one that usually comes out once a round whenever someone hits a drive straight as an arrow - “straight as a grizzly’s d$&@“.

[DivinDave]

Mine worst came from my ol lady. She likes to ride in the cart, admire the landscaping and drink wine. The first time I ever took her, I chunked one about 10 yards. She told me I was almost as bad at golf as I am in the sack........

[bigred90gt]

> @sCrod3s said:

> I hit a thin bladed cut layup on a par 5 once. Rolled 150 yards right down the fairway. Older guy we got paired up with yells out “condom shot!!!”. Me and my buddies all look at each other confused. The guy goes “didn’t feel good, but it’s safe!”. I’ve kept that line on standby ever since.

>

> Whenever you follow a birdie with a bogey, always need to say PBFU - post birdie f!$& up.

>

> Another one that usually comes out once a round whenever someone hits a drive straight as an arrow - “straight as a grizzly’s d$&@“.

 

I call it the ol’ ABFU. After birdie f-up. And I have PLENTY of them.

 

 

[Imp]

Is there a thread like this for things not to have in your head? Like, bad swing thoughts?

 

Walk up to 18th hole's tee box, make a note, "Cool, been playing this same ball all round."

 

What happened next will amaze you!

 

--kC

[rule_6]

First post....figured I'd make it here.

 

When asked for advice about improving i typically go with "take 2 weeks off, then quit".

[rule_6]

First post....figured I'd make it here.

 

When asked for advice about improving i typically go with "take 2 weeks off, then quit"

[dmecca2]

When someone hits a nice chip: "Ahhhhh, the touch of a pedo****"

Just make sure you're good friends with the person first

[pitcher33]

Well...at least youre on the fairway for the next hole! hahaha

[rickdarris2004]

Some of these are great, might need to incorporate!

[7ironDave]

Buddy I play with has a huge incurable slice. Short par 4 over water. He slices 3 in the drink off the tee. He proceeds to throw his club into the water. I without hesitation said...”geez, you even sliced that”.

Every time we play that hole we get a chuckle out of it.

[StarFleetGolfer]

After they miss a putt:

Everything but the line and speed or nice lay up.

[Hellstorm]

The best one I've ever heard....especially for Game of Thrones fans....after hitting a giant slice into the woods, my buddy gets out of the cart by where he thinks it went in. His old man......"Jesus, just drop one. You could have wrapped that ball in bacon and a pack of wolves couldn't find it in there." We all got a good laugh at his expense.

[gatorgolfer86]

Get them going with. "Did you hear about the new super Wal Mart they are building out here." Then when they "oh really, that is a shame" comes but them with the "yea, between my drive and yours"

[gatorgolfer86]

Also love, you know the problem with your swing, you are standing too close to the ball after you hit it

[lanzador49]

> @dcfas said:

> In less sensitive to gender days, the phrase, “Hit it, Alice” may have been heard every so often, usually after a short putt.

 

Thing there is that the insult has nothing to do with gender or a woman’s name - the reference is to Peter Alliss, who was competing against Palmer in the 1963 Ryder Cup and missed some easy putts and hecklers said, “nice putt, Alliss!”

 

So don’t concern yourself with gender or emasculation when we get to that one, anyway!!

 

[lanzador49]

Someone begs for a “gimme” and asks, “...that good??” And you say, “well...that’s **pretty** good...”

 

Cruel but poignant!! [Give the putt or you’ll pay for it later!]

[Miss_Tee]

When someone hits their ball into a water hazard or deep into woods . . . "That's an AMF ball." (Adios, Mother F#%&er)

[ldandrea]

I'm going to compile a top ten list from these for the podcast. If anyone has any new ones get them posted so I can shout you out next week.

[TIM929]

love it how you are interacting forum content and members with the podcast!! listening for sure!

[sharkiesj]

I’ve always used this but slightly different.

 

Q: Is that good?

A: It ain’t bad.

[shoot4par]

Take on a herb brooks one liner was gonna try it out on a college buddy, "you're putting worse every day. Today you're putting like its the middle of next month."

[tocino]

I heard a guy tell his buddy "whoa... easy there He-man" after he blew his putt 20 feet past the whole and almost off of the green.