A Single That Wants to Join Your Group...

[straightshot7]

A couple of friends and I have a cool little group (a threesome) that tries to play golf together once per week. We play a skins match and we all know each other pretty well and have a certain dynamic and conversation on the course. If possible, we would rather play with just the three of us or maybe a fourth person that we know.

 

A couple times recently, a single in a cart seems to rush their way up and ask to join us. It's like uhh, okay. That's what they want. They went out of their way to catch up to us to ask if they could join us. Once it was after we had already hit out tee shots. We say yes, but frankly it makes our time together less fun.

 

So, is it okay to tell a single that you would rather they just play through?

 

Today we were on a course in the afternoon where there was no one in front of us, and here comes this single. He rushes up in a cart on like the 6th hole, and says "you don't mind if I join you do you?"...

 

I say, "Honestly we're doing a skins game for money and if you wouldn't mind just playing through that'd probably be better. There's no one in front of us"...

 

The guy seem to be offended and even said at one point he would just wait and play behind us...huh? Eventually he agreed to play through and went ahead of us.

 

I felt bad for him but at the same time we pay a lot of money to play and if there's no one in front or behind us we would rather play as a threesome.

 

If the course pairs you with other people obviously that's one thing.

 

But all the times I've gone to the course as a single, I expect to play alone unless I'm paired with people. And I take it as an opportunity to zip around and play multiple balls and practice. 

 

I would not drive up to a group purposefully and try to join them without an invitation.

 

I guess I just feel bad for telling the guy we didn't want him to join us. But both of my playing partners felt the same way. Am I a jerk or do you feel my pain that'd you'd rather just play with your friends if the course is wide open?

Edited October 16, 2020 by straightshot7

[EDT501]

These days, I always book as a single. On an open course, I would never expect a smaller group to ask me to join if I caught up to them. I'm perfectly content to play on my own and understand that a group that booked together may not appreciate an interloper. Your offer to let them play through was more than fair as was your indication y'all would prefer to play alone. 

 

The only mitigating circumstances I can think of would be if the course was backed up and he was waiting on y'all on every shot but you couldn't let him play through because of groups immediately ahead or if your not letting him join kept him from getting on the tee sheet. 

Edited October 16, 2020 by EDT501

[MPAndreassi]

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling him that circumstance. I play the majority of my rounds as a single. I’ve never asked to join a group, but have either slowed myself up as you mentioned with practice and multiple balls or I’ve played through. 
 

I think given the state of things in the world right now it’s having an impact on things like this as well. A lot of people are missing out on their normal social interactions and that may be a factor. 
 

On the other hand there has been a surge of new golfers who may not understand the etiquette fully. 

[cardoustie]

If I am single and it’s open in front of you .. no chance I ask to join

 

you were fine if two things weren’t happening ... busy course and / or first tee pairing by starter where a course doesn’t want a single ripping thru multiple foursomes 

[Socrates]

As a single I would never attempt to join a 2 or 3 ball unless the course did it at the 1st tee or I was invited by the group.  Either get past them or bide my time and play behind them.  Well behind them so I didn't appear passive aggressive.  If someone catches me (as a single or group) I will always ask them whether they prefer to play ahead or join me/us. 

[straightshot7]

9 minutes ago, EDT501 said:

These days, I always book as a single. On an open course, I would never expect a smaller group to ask me to join if I caught up to them. I'm perfectly content to play on my own and understand that a group that booked together may not appreciate an interloper. Your offer to let them play through was more than fair as was your indication that you were happy to let him play through if he would like, but y'all would prefer to play alone. 

 

The only mitigating circumstances I can think of would be if the course was backed up and he was waiting on y'all on every shot but you couldn't let him play through because of groups immediately ahead or if your not letting him join kept him from getting on the tee sheet. 

Thanks I feel like that's the right approach...if a group invites you to play with them then you have the option to join or not. But this fella seemed to expect us to embrace him. 

 

Yeah if there was a blockage in front of us then we would have taken him into the group for sure. But I think there were 5+ holes open in front of us. 

[straightshot7]

7 minutes ago, MPAndreassi said:

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling him that circumstance. I play the majority of my rounds as a single. I’ve never asked to join a group, but have either slowed myself up as you mentioned with practice and multiple balls or I’ve played through. 
 

I think given the state of things in the world right now it’s having an impact on things like this as well. A lot of people are missing out on their normal social interactions and that may be a factor. 
 

On the other hand there has been a surge of new golfers who may not understand the etiquette fully. 

Yeah thanks. I think that's why I felt bad because he seemed really dejected by it. And it made me go gosh, life is bigger than golf so if I am hurting this guys' feelings then it is not even worth it. But also I want to be true to our group and what we want as well.

Seems like everyone agrees it's not really normal to expect a group to want you to join. That's how I felt also. 

[straightshot7]

5 minutes ago, cardoustie said:

If I am single and it’s open in front of you .. no chance I ask to join

 

you were fine if two things weren’t happening ... busy course and / or first tee pairing by starter where a course doesn’t want a single ripping thru multiple foursomes 

 

Yeah totally. 

 

It was 2:30 PM and the 6th hole when the single approached us and 5+ open holes in front of us. Never saw anyone in front of us.

Edited October 16, 2020 by straightshot7

[llewol007]

If you gave me the offer to play through I would of taken it. Not sure what the single wanted to do by joining your group. Who knows. He was probably following you guys and saw easy money.  Haaa haaaa haaaa

[straightshot7]

7 minutes ago, Socrates said:

As a single I would never attempt to join a 2 or 3 ball unless the course did it at the 1st tee or I was invited by the group.  Either get past them or bide my time and play behind them.  Well behind them so I didn't appear passive aggressive.  If someone catches me (as a single or group) I will always ask them whether they prefer to play ahead or join me/us. 

 

Love it lol. Yeah I'm very aware of how I am in relation to other groups also.

 

Thanks for the reply. 

[ArtMBgolf]

On a wide open course, it's OK to ask the single to play through.  I think most 
would rather do that.   If all he does is wait on the next tee, then you could
join him.  

  
Right now courses are so full, that everyone needs to be prepared to pair up.   
 
I usually think if someone doesn't want to pair up, they may not be fun to play 
with anyway.     
 
To avoid first tee pairups, you could pay for the 4th spot split 3 ways.     

   
 

 

 

 

 

Edited 17 minutes ago by straightshot7

[jomatty]

People are weird...I play by myself a lot and if the starter doesn’t make me play with someone, or the course is so busy that nothing else makes sense, I plan on playing by myself.  With an open course ahead I can’t imagine wanting to join another group, rather than just motoring on through.  Maybe I’m antisocial.

[tolmij]

If he wants to play in a group he should be looking for his own group. Never expected or asked to join in and I usually play alone. Sometimes I have been asked to take a visitor on the round especially if they are from overseas, but this was a request from the course pro. Golf is a funny game with many funny attitudes and a complete stranger joining the group has a major potential for disaster.

[North Butte]

I wouldn't be bothered by him asking to join a threesome I was in. But neither would I feel bad about saying no if the group would rather not have him play along.

 

I see plenty of groups when I'm playing solo who seem to have their own thing going. It's usually pretty obvious but sounds like this guy doesn't pick up on that sort of thing too well.

 

In your situation, I'd have probably said no but would have invited him to go ahead and play through rather than wait behind us. Assuming there was an opening ahead, of course.

 

 

 

[Hawkeye77]

He's not worried about how he's making you feel!

 

Seriously, I guess anyone can ask, it is unusual, offering to let him play through is great and he shouldn't expect to simply join up in the middle of the course.  In fairness, maybe he's just looking for someone(s) to play with and now he's learned it won't be you guys, lol, no harm done. 

[cardoustie]

I can't believe you were 5 holes behind

[MtlJeff]

I don't think there's a right answer etiquette wise....I've played a ton as a single and in groups. I've had singles ask to join us and plenty of time have had them ask to play through

 

Also, i've been in groups where we've told people "no problem to join but we're playing a match here", that usually tends to convey that we're OK but it might make more sense to play through

 

Generally, i find rational people tend to figure it out. In this scenario over time both as a single or in groups, i've probably done every possible variant

[MaineMariner]

Maybe he was hoping to find a group of golfing buddies?

[straightshot7]

2 hours ago, chipa said:

In my opinion based on conversations with my mother who was raised in the 50's our society has become increasingly isolationist so what was normal 50 years ago is now considered odd.

 

My personal beliefs as a Catholic is to try to treat others as I would like to be treated, even if that causes me an inconvenience, which it does at times.

Yes and in this case I actually feel like I did that. Because I would rather people be honest with me, then pretend to want me to join their group when they would really rather I not. 

And it did cause me an inconvenience, because it wasn't easy telling him we'd rather he play through 🙂

[chipa]

1 minute ago, straightshot7 said:

Yes and in this case I actually feel like I did that. Because I would rather people be honest with me, then pretend to want me to join their group when they would really rather I not. 

And it did cause me an inconvenience, because it wasn't easy telling him we'd rather he play through 🙂

 

The point is to accommodate other people's wishes if possible, even if it conflicts with ours at times. I don't believe this person was looking for you to be honest with him, only to have someone to play with. He was probably not a good golfer and like most hoped to hook up with better players in order to learn something.

[straightshot7]

5 minutes ago, chipa said:

 

I don't think this guy was asking for anything out of place. There are plenty of Christian examples of giving people what they ask for and if someone wants some fellowship or swing tips I feel obligated to do it as a follower.

 

I don't think "this guy was asking for anything out of place" necessarily either. But I don't think I was obligated to say yes, either.

 

"At daybreak, Jesus left and went to a deserted place. The crowds went looking for him, and when they came to him, they tried to prevent him from leaving them. But he said to them, “To the other towns also I must proclaim the good news of the Kingdom of God, because for this purpose I have been sent” (Luke 4:42-44).
 

Even Jesus said no to people at times. 

 

There are plenty of Christian examples of not giving people what they ask for. For example, if someone is asking for money on the street, I know Pastors that will say no and instead invite them to come work in the Church garden for a wage.

[chipa]

We are becoming an increasingly antisocial society and I think there is a clear relation to increasing mental illness, as we are inherently social beings. My father was very antisocial and I payed the price for trying to copy him as it is a lonely road. I have learned over time to be social. This doesn't mean that I will talk about any topic that I find uncomfortable I will just quickly change the subject. People have taken advantage of this and abused my openness and this should be expected but it a rarity. I can still count the number of times this has happened on both hands and I think I've played over a thousand rounds on public courses mostly as a single. I didn't initially mind playing as a single but over time have come to enjoy other's company, whether it to be for the competition or just to share a common simple joy with another person.

[chipa]

7 minutes ago, straightshot7 said:

 

I don't think "this guy was asking for anything out of place" necessarily either. But I don't think I was obligated to say yes, either.

 

"At daybreak, Jesus left and went to a deserted place. The crowds went looking for him, and when they came to him, they tried to prevent him from leaving them. But he said to them, “To the other towns also I must proclaim the good news of the Kingdom of God, because for this purpose I have been sent” (Luke 4:42-44).
 

Even Jesus said no to people at times. 

 

There are plenty of Christian examples of not giving people what they ask for. For example, if someone is asking for money on the street, I know Pastors that will say no and instead invite them to come work in the Church garden for a wage.

 

Most anything can anywhere can be taken out of context and the Bible is no different. Its about the spirit/intention of what Jesus says. A good example is giving the people the only shirt you have. Sure we can think of all types of excuses not to but that's the example we have. However, someone asking for some simple fellowship is a lot easier to do than going without a shirt - it's should be a no brainer and not something to be over analyzed.

Edited October 16, 2020 by chipa

[Sean2]

I always give the single the option to join or play through. I don't have a problem either way. If he joins us, perhaps he just wants some company and to engage in some socializing? (Which is understandable these days). Whether we are playing a match or not has no bearing on it. 

Edited October 16, 2020 by Sean2

[sui generis]

"Happy to have you. We play the ball down and putt everything out. We play by the Rules of Golf. No handicaps, it's all gross. $100 Nassau. Okay?"

[straightshot7]

1 hour ago, chipa said:

 

Most anything can anywhere can be taken out of context and the Bible is no different. Its about the spirit/intention of what Jesus says. A good example is giving the people the only shirt you have. Sure we can think of all types of excuses not to but that's the example we have. However, someone asking for some simple fellowship is a lot easier to do than going without a shirt - it's should be a no brainer and not something to be over analyzed.

I'm well aware of Biblical Studies and context, etc.

 

In this case it's clear: the people wanted Jesus to stay longer and he said no, he had other places to go.

 

By your previous logic you suggested he should stay, since that's what the people want. 

 

You also switched from saying "treat others the way you would like to be treated" and changed it into "treat others the way they want to be treated" --- when you said "The point is to accommodate other people's wishes if possible, even if it conflicts with ours at times. I don't believe this person was looking for you to be honest with him, only to have someone to play with."

 

That's really not Biblical. It never says in the Bible that we should give people whatever they wish, just because that's what they want.

 

You're entitled to do whatever you want if someone asks to join your group.

 

But you have no moral authority or grounds to say that I should have to have every random single into our group against the entire groups' wishes. That's your opinion. Not Bible. 

Edited October 16, 2020 by straightshot7

[straightshot7]

18 minutes ago, sui generis said:

"Happy to have you. We play the ball down and putt everything out. We play by the Rules of Golf. No handicaps, it's all gross. $100 Nassau. Okay?"

Lol good idea. Will use that next time 😄

[Krt22]

I play as a single quite often and the last thing I am trying to do is join a group if there is a wide open course ahead. I get this guy was looking for some companionship, but you were not remotely in the wrong asking him to play through. And this whole religion side tangent should stop, it's not only against the forum rules, it has nothing to do with golf lol. 

[Pepperturbo]

Having been on the BOD of private clubs and oversight over TT spread, managing how slots are filled, it can be troublesome.  Lots of people want to play by themselves.  Golf is a social sport.  The worse culprits are 3-somes and man/woman couples.  Private or public, course management has to properly fill all tee slots with paying customers.  Singles are a challenge

 

Group outings are seen differently, having paid for many employee outings and tournaments.  Some time back I decided to test a theory.  When I checked in to pay for my wife and I, I said I'll pay for the other two slots as well, to insure they remain open and we could play by ourselves.  The guy behind the counter was a little perplexed and said he'd have to check with his manager.   I was pretty sure what was to happen.  The Head pro came out and asked for clarification.  I reiterated my desire.  He said, he was sorry but they can't do that.  He didn't have reason why, other than people want to play golf and four people are designated per Tee Time.  I said, fine, and two others were put with us.    

Edited October 16, 2020 by Pepperturbo

[chippa13]

I don't think I've even been in a group where we've rejected someone who asked to join up at any point on the course. But then my mentality is usually the more the merrier. I've also had plenty of times where I've joined up with guys either at the first tee or somewhere out on the course. Many of those times the guys who knew each other had money games or some kind of competition going on and that didn't stop them from letting me play along, sometimes joining their game and other times as an amused bystander playing my own game.

 

I think one of the most fun rounds I had this year was being on the course with a friend of mine who likes to play a stroke game for bragging rights. We had another couple of guys join us and they wound up being our own little 2 person gallery as they played along with us. We all spent the day laughing and ribbing each other. They'd cheer one of our good shots and hoot and holler a little bit if the other guy outdid him. They'd switch allegiances depending on who was up, it was just a super fun day on the course.