I suspect girlfriend doesn't like me golfing...

[dj300821]

Post failure

Edited December 5, 2020 by dj300821

[InnacuratelyLong]

Run and then run some more.  Good luck.

[MtlJeff]

Hey man, the last thing i want to do is try to convince you of something one way or the other since these are important decisions, so put a lot of thought into whatever you do

 

My comments: It's REALLY important to decide what's important to you and then find someone that supports that. If you really love golf and will have to give it up to stay with her, you may end up always resenting her for that. I've been married for 7 years and together with my wife for 11 years. From the very beginning we both had hobbies where the objective was always "find a way so that both people can continue doing them". This continued even beyond when we had a daughter, though we both reduced our time commitments to our hobbies equally for that

 

The longer you are with someone, the longer time away from that person becomes valuable too. You do NEED time to do your own stuff, everyone does. I don't want to spend 24hrs a day with my wife, nor her with me. That is perfectly fine. Someone not supporting of you having a hobby can become problematic IMO

 

Also, if it's only been a few months and you're already finding she's a bit of a nag. Hmmm, i'll just say this tends to get worse over time, not better

 

It reminds me of a great line from a boxing movie about a guy fighting someone who had a great right hand. The trainer says "If this guy hurts you with his left, just go down" LOL....If someone is a nag after 3 months...maybe throw in the towel. 

 

3 months is when she is supposed to be pretending to like football

[VNutz]

That's a hell of a first post kid.

[dj300821]

Yea Jeff, that is kind of what I am thinking. I think I need to definitely have a talk with her and lay out my desires going forward, and if she does not like it or is willing to compromise, then I think it's time to end it. I understand she wants to spend time together, which we do, but she claims that when I golf during the day I am "Not prioritizing her", which is not true since we do spend time together during the evenings. 

[Warrior42111]

Any successful relationship is based on compromise. @MtlJeff no one wants to be with someone 24 hrs and that's natural.

 

I mean I saw the answer run and chuckled a bit, I'd say you just need to have a sit down and be completely honest about what you want and ask her what she wants and go from there. Whether it be running or a better compromise that is fair and acceptable to both of you.

[ChipStrokes]

crazy church chicks are usually awesome in bed, so that’s probably why you can’t see the answer clearly for yourself. 

 

get out of there as fast as you possibly can and don’t look back. 

[James the Hogan Fan]

Does the pastor play?

[Zac1321]

The older i get (early 30s) the more it gets reinforced in me how important it is for partners to respect and support each others hobbies/passions. To me that doesnt mean its a complete free for all and if the other person seeks out some sort of compromise then that means they are not supporting you, there is always going to be some level of needed compromise. To what degree each person is willing to compromise is going to vary depending on the stage of life each person is in and to what degree they value those interests.

 

Right now were only getting your side but based on that it seems like you have made some level of compromise to what inconveniences you for her to pursue her interests and she hasnt to a degree that you are happy with. Ultimately id say you should at minimum have a conversation with her expressing how you feel and if nothing changes you need to ask if the relationship is important enough for you to compromise further

[dj300821]

9 minutes ago, James the Hogan Fan said:

Does the pastor play?

Not sure if this is serious, but no he does not

[bc_golf]

It will only get worse.  Cut and run.

[TourSpoon]

Tell her the joke about how even God can't hit a one iron and if she laughs or not you will know the answer. 

 

Seriously, do you see this relationship going to the next level? You guys are just dating and it sounds like she is devaluing what is important to you versus what is important to her. If she has any potential to go to the next level then it is worth having the conversation. She doesn't have to appreciate anything about golf, but she should appreciate how important it is to you. By having the conversation, you may find out that its something that has nothing to do with golf at all. Now if it has something to do with you playing, this is not going to get any better. 

 

 

[dj300821]

1 minute ago, TourSpoon said:

Tell her the joke about how even God can't hit a one iron and if she laughs or not you will know the answer. 

 

Seriously, do you see this relationship going to the next level? You guys are just dating and it sounds like she is devaluing what is important to you versus what is important to her. If she has any potential to go to the next level then it is worth having the conversation. She doesn't have to appreciate anything about golf, but she should appreciate how important it is to you. By having the conversation, you may find out that its something that has nothing to do with golf at all. Now if it has something to do with you playing, this is not going to get any better. 

 

 

The 1 iron joke might go right over her head, but I'll try, haha. 

[Break68]

You are supposed to be in the Honeymoon phase at 3 months. If there are issues now, this does not bode well for the future.

[Bob Cat]

You don't need to do a thing right now.

 

Soon, she will make it abundantly clear what your next move needs to be.

 

Trust me.

[dlygrisse]

The "little things" that bother you before marriage, will only amplify after marriage.  You are going to have to decide what is important to you, if playing golf is important then I don't see you being happy.  Not trying to be rude, but she sounds very controlling.  Some guys like being controlled, but generally not guys who love playing golf.  If you really want to spend the rest of your life with her, and she is the most important thing on earth to you then go for it, but if you aren't happy then move on before you get too deep into the relationship.  

[James the Hogan Fan]

3 minutes ago, dj300821 said:

Not sure if this is serious, but no he does not

It wasn't really serious.

 

But I will be serious now:

 

I don't know. I have reaped great positive experiences in life from golf. I have reaped similar from membership in a church.

 

And I am in a long, stable relationship with someone who respects those things. I respect her desires to do the things she likes. If you don't think you can get to a common ground, it's time to walk away. (and if public standards of appearance are not a common ground, it's not looking good)

 

But I will say, perhaps she wants to hang out during the day on Saturday because it's one of her two days off and she'd like to do a weekend day activity with you? If I worked all week and discovered my significant other didn't care about the opportunity to be together during one of few windows of opportunity, I'd be upset about it.

 

 

 

[phizzy30]

Several of my exs were like that.  Hated when I would go golf on the weekends in the past.  Honestly if this is the girl you are thinking of marrying, then you guys really need to come to some sort of compromise.  If she's not, then maybe you should just move on.  I'm married now and my wife hates everything about golf, but she lets me go out twice a week to golf with my family and golf buddies.  She gets it's therapy for me.  Having as much contention in a relationship over golf or something that's important to you shouldn't be so stressful.  If you value your mental health, then reconsider your current situation. 

[dj300821]

2 minutes ago, James the Hogan Fan said:

It wasn't really serious.

 

But I will be serious now:

 

I don't know. I have reaped great positive experiences in life from golf. I have reaped similar from membership in a church.

 

And I am in a long, stable relationship with someone who respects those things. I respect her desires to do the things she likes. If you don't think you can get to a common ground, it's time to walk away. (and if public standards of appearance are not a common ground, it's not looking good)

 

But I will say, perhaps she wants to hang out during the day on Saturday because it's one of her two days off and she'd like to do a weekend day activity with you? If I worked all week and discovered my significant other didn't care about the opportunity to be together during one of few windows of opportunity, I'd be upset about it.

 

 

 

Those are all good points, thank you. 

 

I do understand the daytime thing, and I will (and have) skipped golf on Saturday to do this. For example, last weekend was perfect weather, so I took golf off on Saturday and we rented bikes and went on a long bike ride, got lunch, and rode back. It was a nice day and a good time together. But just to spend time together, we could do that during the evening as well, that is more of what my complaint is about. 

[Myherobobhope]

32 minutes ago, dj300821 said:

Those are all good points, thank you. 

 

I do understand the daytime thing, and I will (and have) skipped golf on Saturday to do this. For example, last weekend was perfect weather, so I took golf off on Saturday and we rented bikes and went on a long bike ride, got lunch, and rode back. It was a nice day and a good time together. But just to spend time together, we could do that during the evening as well, that is more of what my complaint is about. 

I'm torn on this one... everyone has their own life to live, and their own decisions to make... 

 

From your girlfriends perspective, you are choosing golf over her most of the weekends (even if it is an established game, and you have reasons to want / need to play in it)...

 

My wife and I's marriage is 100% founded on communication, and our biggest problems arise when we don't communicate our needs and wants to each other.

 

I'd suggest this as an opportunity to build your communications and see if your relationship has a path forward.

 

Have an honest conversation with her. Focus on: Your desire to spend time with her. Your desire and commitment to playing in money games over the weekend (which aren't available at other times). Your willingness to adapt your schedule, and your feeling that you've already committed to going to HER church for her. (Don't compare golf to church).

 

If you can't have this conversation, or she won't have it... I think that might tell you where your relationship is. You might not reach an agreement or a compromise, but I think it's important to talk about your goals and your desires and find a place where you guys can work towards both together. 

 

OK, that's enough adulting.

[TravAz]

In my experience, super religious people are only a good match with equally super religious people.  

[GLF4EVR]

Been with my wife for over 37 years.  I picked up playing again around 14 years ago.  The last 8 years I have been working at improving my game.  With work I have to be on call quite often.  Then live in the country with horses.  So my actual free time is limited.  My wife & I have had many talks about my golfing.  It is from the talks that she understands it is my passion.  So she "tolerates" my golfing because she understands what it is to me.  The only way this happens is thru communication.  This does not mean just one time of talking about it either.  This could be an ongoing thing to eventually get to a "happy" place for both of you.  Biggest thing is just keeping emotions in check to really try to get to the root of what is causing the ill feelings.  My wife eventually said once that she felt like golf was more important to me than she was.  After about 6-7 examples I gave for that being false and what she would say in return......that really kind of seem to be a turning point.  That was 3 years ago.  Still to this day in the spring & summer I can tell golfing will irk her a little.  But we talk about it.  However these discussions are no where as "complicated" as they used to be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[caniac6]

I was in a similar relationship many years ago. My advice would be to get out. This sounds like it has the potential to create two miserable people. Believe me, you both will become resentful of each other. My wife of 26 years fully supports my golf, and that makes me want to play around her schedule, so I have plenty of time to spend with her. I'm not trying to be funny, but you need to move on as quickly as possible.

[puresurfr]

Well I guess the question is, what is it that you love so much about her, next is it possible for you to find another girl like that ?  We don't know if u are a solid 4 dating a hard "9" or whether it is vice versa.  If she is indeed magical and irreplaceable then u need to ask yourself how much u love golf vs a relationship.  You can always start drawing lines in the sand instead of caving in to her every requests.  I mean put the shoe on the other foot and u are asking her to go to night service because u want her to caddie for u in the morning.  

Alternatively the wrong thing to do is get married and then have kids and then resume golfing.  It may work but it may end in a messy divorce and wasted years.  This basically is a investment of your life and the value u see in golf vs the value u see in your girlfriend.  She seems a bit heavy handed but most women are heavy handed because their mate allows it.

[Soloman1]

Tell her you want her to stop going to church so often. See how that goes over.

 

You're headed over a cliff to misery. Can you imagine how awful it will be if you have children with this woman?

 

There are 3.8 billion women on this planet. What are you waiting for, your next life?

Edited December 4, 2020 by Soloman1

[VNutz]

@dj300821

 

To be perfectly honest, this is a conversation best had between 2 people, and not a golf forum. You know, and can read, where most will side. Some will be honest, some will claim to give answers in the form they wish they could tell their spouse but never would. Don't dictate any decision based on the council of complete strangers.

[krtgolfing]

Run far... Run fast

[ChipNRun]

1 hour ago, Zac1321 said:

The older i get (early 30s) the more it gets reinforced in me how important it is for partners to respect and support each others hobbies/passions.

 

An aggravating factor could be socio-economic. If your girlfriend grew up in a family where money was tight, possibly she sees all golfers as spoiled country clubbers, so to speak. Does her church have strong prohibitions against gambling? Does she have any friends or relatives who play golf?

 

A second aggravating factor likely is the COVID adventure. Most people are more touchy than normal because of the odd ripple of daily life.

 

She appears to be a very responsible person who works hard and is a credit to her church congregation. And, you @dj300821appear to be a responsible, high achiever that crams a lot into his life.

 

Also... does she have any sports background growing up? Would she be interested in learning to play? Could you start and run an annual church benefit scramble?

 

Looking ahead: If you two get married and have children, you likely will have to downgrade your golf game for 10 or 15 years. This would happen regardless of how active the spouse was in church.

 

Solution: Premarital counseling. Your relationship has strong points and potential fault lines. A counselor can help you two discuss this touchy point of golf. If the potential marriage has low chance of success, it's better to walk away than get married and have a bitter divorce.

[BlackDiamondPar5]

21 minutes ago, Soloman1 said:

Tell her you want her to stop going to church so often. See how that goes over.

 

You're headed over a cliff to misery. Can you imagine how awful it will be if you have children with this woman?

 

There are 3.8 billion women on this planet. What are you waiting for, your next life?

^^^^ This x100.

 

@dj300821 I'll add there are some serious warning flags which will only get worse as time goes on, especially if kids ever showed up;

• Her lack of compromise
• Seems to think her church is more important than your golf and wants you reduce your golf for more church
• Telling you that you should "serve"
• Telling you what you should or shouldn't wear during a flight

My advice...

 

[Steele47]

Have you thought of inviting her to read this thread?