I suspect girlfriend doesn't like me golfing...

[Naptime]

I've been married to the same wife for almost 40 years.  In my experience, traits tend to persist and increase over time and after marriage.  For example, if you are grumpy now you will become grumpier with age.  Are you ready to quit golf?  For the rest of your life?  Marriage and kids give you more obligations, not less.

[liveagua]

2 hours ago, dj300821 said:

Hello, 

 

I am looking for some suggestions on how to handle my current situation from those more experienced with long-term relationships and marriage. I have been dating a girl for a very short time (a few months), and I really suspect she does not like me golfing. As a little background, I am early 30s and I play competitively (am around a +2 handicap), and that includes multiple tournaments per year (usually I take time off work to play during the week, they are rarely on weekends). I work about 40 hours per week, now from home due to COVID. The woman I am dating is late 30s, is religious and pretty heavily involved in her church, which involves not only attending service Sunday evenings, but also "serving" before service, attending two church groups (approx. 2 hours per week), and also hanging out with her church friends. She also works full-time, but her work schedule is kind of wacky right now due to COVID (she does 5 days on, 2 days off, but not necessarily weekends off) and she works either the morning or afternoon shift, depending on the week.  

 

As far as golf goes, I try and play Saturday and Sunday afternoons right before church (then I attend church with my girlfriend afterwards). The reasons I play at those times specifically is we have a pretty good-sized money game that helps with the competitive aspect. I sometimes get out during the week depending on my work schedule. 

 

The issue I have run into is her lack of compromise when it comes to my golfing. For example, we have run into this instance a few times so far. She has Saturday off work on one of her 2 days off. Right now, it's awfully cold in the mornings (35-40F), and I just had my hip reconstructed in January, so I don't really like playing when it's that cold in fear of reinjuring it. So I tell her that I am playing with the group at 11am, we should be done by 3pm, and we can hang out in the evening. But, she has an issue with that. It's like she purposely wants to hangout during the day to stop me from golfing. Also, last week she told me I should start "serving" at the church, which means getting there at 2pm on Sundays, but she knows I play at 11am. Again, like she is trying to get me to quit playing.

 

I have taken her with me once and she rode in the cart (she asked me if she could go), and I shot 68 on a tough 7100 yard course, so she knows I'm not just out there slinging beers with the guys. But funny thing is she acted like it was no big deal, and said that "I'm alright", kind of like she had zero respect for the difficulty of the game (which I don't get as she has played golf in the past and is not great at it). 

 

I have compromised with her by driving 30 minutes to go to church with her on Sundays, when I could just as easily go to a more local church or follow the livestream online. Also, we used to play golf at noon on Sundays to avoid the required $20 cart fee if playing before noon, but I moved the tee times up to 11am and just pay the $20 so I can get to church on time. I also never have issue with her attending her church groups or gripe about her crazy work schedule. 

 

In addition, she often gets flustered about certain things that make no sense, and I am wondering if these are also red flags. For example, she told me she didn't want me wearing sweatpants and a hoodie on a long flight, because it's not presentable in public, which I thought that was ridiculous. If you are going to a nice dinner or meeting her family, sure, I will dress nicely, but simply going to run an errand or take a flight that doesn't really jive with me. I never tell her what to wear doing casual things, so I am a little confused about this. 

 

Should I run or try and work this out with her? 

Run away as fast as you possibly can. She will just get worse. Find a woman who has a hobby similar to your's. Opposites might attract, but commonality is what keeps a relationship together. BTW, I am 43 and was married for 12 years. 

[dj300821]

You all make very good points, thank you. 

 

What strikes me as funny is if I suggested we go to church less or she do less church activities, then she would likely make it that I was speaking out against God, not anything to do with her. So I don't think that would go over very well. I don't really think that is fair that she would deflect any complaints about her church time. But I think it is just time to let her know how I feel and see how she responds. 

 

She is very beautiful, and we do have a lot of things in common, but golf and church seem to be a sticking point. I guess we will see when I bring it up. 

[jholz]

This woman, if your descriptions are accurate, sounds like a loon. Clearly, god's plan is to make you miserable, right?

[TourSpoon]

1 hour ago, dj300821 said:

Those are all good points, thank you. 

 

I do understand the daytime thing, and I will (and have) skipped golf on Saturday to do this. For example, last weekend was perfect weather, so I took golf off on Saturday and we rented bikes and went on a long bike ride, got lunch, and rode back. It was a nice day and a good time together. But just to spend time together, we could do that during the evening as well, that is more of what my complaint is about. 

This sentence just stands out and not because I bolded it.  If you tell her this, she will hear that you want to spend time with her when its convenient to you.  She wants to feel prioritized so maybe you need to go out of the way to make her feel special during the time you do spend together so she doesn't feel the way she is feeling.  

 

I am pretty lucky in my relationship because my better half wants me to play golf. She says that gives her guilt free time to do the things that she wants to do and not be tied down feeling obligated. Everyone needs their time to do decompress and relax so there must be a balance. The key is that we both feel important to each other and valued. 

[BlackDiamondPar5]

14 minutes ago, dj300821 said:

You all make very good points, thank you. 

 

What strikes me as funny is if I suggested we go to church less or she do less church activities, then she would likely make it that I was speaking out against God, not anything to do with her. So I don't think that would go over very well. I don't really think that is fair that she would deflect any complaints about her church time. But I think it is just time to let her know how I feel and see how she responds. 

 

She is very beautiful, and we do have a lot of things in common, but golf and church seem to be a sticking point. I guess we will see when I bring it up. 

That's an even bigger red flag.  Seriously, that to me would just be crazy talk of an intolerant zealot.  Scary if that happens.

Edited December 4, 2020 by BlackDiamondPar5

[swagee]

2 hours ago, dj300821 said:

Hello, 

 

I am looking for some suggestions on how to handle my current situation from those more experienced with long-term relationships and marriage. I have been dating a girl for a very short time (a few months), and I really suspect she does not like me golfing. As a little background, I am early 30s and I play competitively (am around a +2 handicap), and that includes multiple tournaments per year (usually I take time off work to play during the week, they are rarely on weekends). I work about 40 hours per week, now from home due to COVID. The woman I am dating is late 30s, is religious and pretty heavily involved in her church, which involves not only attending service Sunday evenings, but also "serving" before service, attending two church groups (approx. 2 hours per week), and also hanging out with her church friends. She also works full-time, but her work schedule is kind of wacky right now due to COVID (she does 5 days on, 2 days off, but not necessarily weekends off) and she works either the morning or afternoon shift, depending on the week.  

 

As far as golf goes, I try and play Saturday and Sunday afternoons right before church (then I attend church with my girlfriend afterwards). The reasons I play at those times specifically is we have a pretty good-sized money game that helps with the competitive aspect. I sometimes get out during the week depending on my work schedule. 

 

The issue I have run into is her lack of compromise when it comes to my golfing. For example, we have run into this instance a few times so far. She has Saturday off work on one of her 2 days off. Right now, it's awfully cold in the mornings (35-40F), and I just had my hip reconstructed in January, so I don't really like playing when it's that cold in fear of reinjuring it. So I tell her that I am playing with the group at 11am, we should be done by 3pm, and we can hang out in the evening. But, she has an issue with that. It's like she purposely wants to hangout during the day to stop me from golfing. Also, last week she told me I should start "serving" at the church, which means getting there at 2pm on Sundays, but she knows I play at 11am. Again, like she is trying to get me to quit playing.

 

I have taken her with me once and she rode in the cart (she asked me if she could go), and I shot 68 on a tough 7100 yard course, so she knows I'm not just out there slinging beers with the guys. But funny thing is she acted like it was no big deal, and said that "I'm alright", kind of like she had zero respect for the difficulty of the game (which I don't get as she has played golf in the past and is not great at it). 

 

I have compromised with her by driving 30 minutes to go to church with her on Sundays, when I could just as easily go to a more local church or follow the livestream online. Also, we used to play golf at noon on Sundays to avoid the required $20 cart fee if playing before noon, but I moved the tee times up to 11am and just pay the $20 so I can get to church on time. I also never have issue with her attending her church groups or gripe about her crazy work schedule. 

 

In addition, she often gets flustered about certain things that make no sense, and I am wondering if these are also red flags. For example, she told me she didn't want me wearing sweatpants and a hoodie on a long flight, because it's not presentable in public, which I thought that was ridiculous. If you are going to a nice dinner or meeting her family, sure, I will dress nicely, but simply going to run an errand or take a flight that doesn't really jive with me. I never tell her what to wear doing casual things, so I am a little confused about this. 

 

Should I run or try and work this out with her? 

If u could write a 500 word essay on how ur girl doesn’t like u golfing, then she’s not for u, mate. 
 

 

[TIM929]

If you are not willing to sacrifice golf for her, is she really worth it? 

 

[Steele47]

9 minutes ago, BlackDiamondPar5 said:

That's an even bigger red flag.  Seriously, that to me would just be crazy talk of an intolerant zealot.  Scary if that happens.

 

Just saw you in another thread boasting of reporting someone but now you're warning of intolerance.  That's rich.   

[BlackDiamondPar5]

2 minutes ago, Steele47 said:

 

Just saw you in another thread boasting of reporting someone but now you're warning of intolerance.  That's rich.   

If you can't recognize the difference then your brain is simple and binary. 

[Steele47]

2 minutes ago, BlackDiamondPar5 said:

If you can't recognize the difference then your brain is simple and binary. 

 

Oh.  I thought I just had the yips.

[Strategery]

No amount of conversation will change what a woman thinks.

[chippa13]

Based on the tone of the OP, I think the decision is already made and he's just looking for confirmation.

[PostandGhost]

Eh, that's just how girlfriends are; my girlfriend is the same way.  But my wife on the other hand is way more understanding.  

[Roody]

OP, unless you think sitting her down and having a serious discussion about relationship expectations is going to reach a compromise that both sides can be happy with, then you might as well pack up and get out now. It sounds like she isn't going to be happy until you quit golf altogether, and spend every waking moment with her in church. 

[TourSpoon]

Up the ante on the money games until you are dependent on the side hustle for at least a car payment and then just say you are going to work. Problem solved as you are just expanding your professional horizons. 

[Cliffy2020]

I don’t think any of us WRX’ers can make an informed decision without some bikini pics.

[Strategery]

My wife of 25 years gets mad if I don't play enough. She also makes my golf lunch everyday and insists I stay brand loyal to Ping. What should I do?

[dlygrisse]

You have 3 options.

1.  run away

2.  do as she says, but keep in mind this is the beginning not the end.

3.  compromise.  but the compromise has to be a true 2 sided deal.  If she can't do this willingly, and accept it then your only option is #1.

 

I have been married over 25 years, #3 is where I am.  I told her early on I would play golf once a week, sometimes twice, weather permitting.  Which is a good amount for me, I also don't care if she spends time with her friends.  Has it always been smooth? NO.  But you have to set boundaries in the beginning or it is NOT going to work.   

[Steele47]

15 minutes ago, TourSpoon said:

Up the ante on the money games until you are dependent on the side hustle for at least a car payment and then just say you are going to work. Problem solved as you are just expanding your professional horizons. 

 

 

This is it!  Tithe your winnings!  But get this... Go 15 percent.   Not that piddly 10..

[thardy413]

3 hours ago, ChipStrokes said:

crazy church chicks are usually awesome in bed, so that’s probably why you can’t see the answer clearly for yourself. 

 

get out of there as fast as you possibly can and don’t look back. 

Not only is this hilarious, but it so very true.

 

Run

[Roejye]

I reiterate what other posters have said, you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with her. From your point of view it sounds like she is really stubborn and uncompromising. I'm not a particularly religious person so I'm not going to go too deep on that other than if you say go to church less and that's an affront to God, that's a red flag to me. 

For the most part, it sounds like this is a relationship that has some long term potential but some major hurdles need to be cleared first.

Talk to her, see if you can compromise, and if you can't, you have some soul searching to do.

[Roejye]

4 minutes ago, Strategery said:

My wife of 25 years gets mad if I don't play enough. She also makes my golf lunch everyday and insists I stay brand loyal to Ping. What should I do?

Brand loyalty being demanded, huge red flag to me, run. 😉

[Ri_Redneck]

5 minutes ago, Strategery said:

My wife of 25 years gets mad if I don't play enough. She also makes my golf lunch everyday and insists I stay brand loyal to Ping. What should I do?

Get a set of Mizunos and enjoy the PURE STRIKE!!!

 

BT

[Sean2]

I would think she would be happy that you have a hobby that you enjoy, that gets you outside for some fresh air and exercise, along with socializing with others. There is a lot more to golf than simply chasing a little white ball around. For example, and not to get too philosophical, I also find a Zen component to the game, which I find is good for one's mental health. 

 

I believe a relationship is healthier if each person supports one another and not try to control the other. 

 

Golf is important to you. Her making light of it, or trying to dictate when and if you should play, is not only not supportive, but indicates a lack of empathy. 

 

At this point, this is more than just about golf...but about how your entire relationship will take shape going forward. 

 

 

 

 

 

[2bGood]

2 hours ago, Break68 said:

You are supposed to be in the Honeymoon phase at 3 months. If there are issues now, this does not bode well for the future.

 This is so true. If it not fun 3months in it is not getting better.

[Metro07]

2 hours ago, bc_golf said:

It will only get worse.  Cut and run.

Yep big plus one on that. Sounds like golf is a big part of your life and what has contributed to what has made you as a man. If she doesn't appreciate that, buh....bye....

[sharkiesj]

Would love to hear her side of it.  
 

Her: I have a boyfriend who’s GD golf crazy.  That’s all he thinks about.  He thinks he’s 2 strokes away from being on tour, when in reality, he’s just a scratch golfer, whatever that means.  But he keeps telling me he’s better than scratch, like +2 strokes better than scratch, tbh, I don’t give a s**t.  He’s egotistical, lazy, only perks up when the topic of golf comes up and the only thing he’s good at in helping me out is telling me to make him a sandwich and killing spiders in the shower.  
 

And, I tell him to look presentable when he goes out but he likes to dress like a 35 yr old hood rat who still thinks he’s 16.  All of his friends golf and I know when they golf together, all they do is talk s**t about me and laugh about it.  I’ve talked to my pastor about him and if he’s a good catch to marry, but frankly, all my friends are telling me to drop him like a sack of beat up Titleist’s.  
 

The stories over dinner, though, those are the worst!!! Going over EVERY SINGLE SHOT from the round is like, the lamest.  I just act like I’m listening but I’m really praying to God, dear Lord please help this boy, I mean...man, to grow up and be the man he’s supposed to be.  The discouraging thing is, he keeps telling me his favorite song in the whole world is “The Man I’ll Never Be” by Boston.  
 

If only he could smile more, be more considerate of my feelings, be gracious and humble, then I think I could manage but for all I know, he’s probably right now asking a bunch of strangers on his golf forum that he’s always on what everyone thinks of ME.  
 

oh my...

[disco111]

[aenemated]

Man, yall find some crazy chicks.

 

 

And she's super rad and babely, too.