Hothead in your group

[Fighton26]

There's a group of guys I play with, about 6-8 of us, that I play with on a weekly basis. I met some of them at a wedding of a mutual friend's a few years back and we got along pretty well. We found out we all played golf and met up to play a round a few weeks after. We all had a good time and started to play regularly. At first it was 4 or 5 of us, then a few others joined here and there over time. One of those guys is a little rough around the edges and has got some anger problems. We've almost gotten into a few fights on the course because he'll heatedly confront other groups over slow play, loud music, not yelling fore, etc. And if he's having a bad round, he'll let you know. I'm a pretty chill guy so this doesn't affect me a whole lot but our group also plays for a little cash, your typical group skins and side matches. He's also a pretty big gambler. I like to play for a few bucks but I never want to play for an amount that would make me or the other person feel uncomfortable. But over the years he's into me for a couple hundred bucks and always thinks the next round is where he's going to get it back. So the deeper he gets into it, the more he presses to get out of it. I'm pretty good under pressure so I usually come out ahead but I want to try to keep it friendly so we all have a good time. He ends up pressing to $20, $40, $80 a hole. I have suggested that we cap the amount and I've even said we should just keep it to $5 a hole but once he gets started there's no stopping him. And since I'm up I feel I should give him the chance to win his money back. It's gotten to the point where playing with the guy takes away from the fun of golfing. It's like walking on eggshells. So I took a break from playing with that group of guys and started playing more with some friends who don't take the game very seriously and aren't very good. It makes for a relaxing round but sometimes I miss the competitive juices. What have you guys done to deal with the guy in your group that needs anger management? 

[Warrior42111]

Well if you want to still play with him you have two options. Ignore him or deal with him, it seems like you want to deal with. So IMO talk to your other buddies make sure you're on the save wavelength about him. Next, you or someone or a group or a few of you need to talk to him. I'd personally wouldn't start as confrontational, just kinda say hey that one time you did this kinda made me uncomfortable. I say this because perhaps he doesn't realize his effect on others and it solves it. If that doesn't work it's basically ultimatum time. Either he tones down or leaves the group or you leave the group. This is also why I recommended talking to the group before hand as it might fracture them and perhaps you could end up as odd man out so you need to understand all possibilities before committing to it.

[Abh159]

6 minutes ago, Warrior42111 said:

Well if you want to still play with him you have two options. Ignore him or deal with him, it seems like you want to deal with. So IMO talk to your other buddies make sure you're on the save wavelength about him. Next, you or someone or a group or a few of you need to talk to him. I'd personally wouldn't start as confrontational, just kinda say hey that one time you did this kinda made me uncomfortable. I say this because perhaps he doesn't realize his effect on others and it solves it. If that doesn't work it's basically ultimatum time. Either he tones down or leaves the group or you leave the group. This is also why I recommended talking to the group before hand as it might fracture them and perhaps you could end up as odd man out so you need to understand all possibilities before committing to it.

 

This is the perfect advice. Talk to the other guys in the group and see if they feel the same way you do. If you're as chill as you say then I'm sure the others are equally or even more frustrated by this guy.

 

If they do all feel the same way, you all to get together with the hothead and let him know that certain actions of his make him uncomfortable to play with. He'll either tone it down and things will be better, or he won't and you can tell him that the group will stop inviting him to play. Either way the ball is in his court so there's no blame on you or the others for whatever he chooses. 

[Soloman1]

I punch them in the face. Those kinda guys make me soooo mad...

 

And then everyone stands up and claps.

 

-------------->

 

Yeah, some people are just hard work. I doubt there's anything you can say or do that will change him. You might need to just play with some of the others and not let him know when or where.

[phizzy30]

Most of the time I'm calm on the course.  I'll usually mutter expletives under my breath if I hit a bad shot.  However, I can't stand slow play and idiots who don't yell fore when their balls come flying towards us.  It's gotten really bad lately.  My mother got hit on her ankle and my father right below his knee.  My weekend group has almost been hit 6 times since the beginning of this year.  Every single time this has happened I let the group who was responsible know about it including yelling curse words at them.  It doesn't get to that level if they at the very least apologize, but so far only one person has.  My parents don't speak up, so I feel as though I have to.  I'm sure you guys would to if your family member was put in the same situation.  So in my case, I guess I'm the hot head of the group. 

Edited February 18, 2021 by phizzy30

[aenemated]

So ... dude's a deadbeat with anger issues. 

 

Tell him to keep the money and find a shrink. I wouldn't waste my time being around someone like that. 

[Fighton26]

Thanks for those of you who have given advice. I have spoken to some of them beforehand about it but the group dynamics are a little different. Basically, me and the hothead are right around the same handicap so we play straight up every time. The other guys usually give or get a few strokes so they're only in for the group match. Outside of the betting issue, they've seen the other stuff and have just accepted it (getting into it with other groups, or marshals/staff who speak condescendingly, etc). They've known him for years and know about his history of fighting, having spent time in jail, and other off course issues. They just chalk it up to him being him. I've tried to do that to a certain degree but he and I bump heads more often because of the side match. And I can't get out of it because it looks like I'm ducking him and not giving him a chance to win back his money. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can treat it like work and go out and get paid to not have a good time, or I can move on and give up playing for something on the line. Neither option sounds that great but if I have to choose I'd go with the second option. Life's way too short to have a bad time on the course. 

[2bGood]

7 hours ago, Fighton26 said:

Thanks for those of you who have given advice. I have spoken to some of them beforehand about it but the group dynamics are a little different. Basically, me and the hothead are right around the same handicap so we play straight up every time. The other guys usually give or get a few strokes so they're only in for the group match. Outside of the betting issue, they've seen the other stuff and have just accepted it (getting into it with other groups, or marshals/staff who speak condescendingly, etc). They've known him for years and know about his history of fighting, having spent time in jail, and other off course issues. They just chalk it up to him being him. I've tried to do that to a certain degree but he and I bump heads more often because of the side match. And I can't get out of it because it looks like I'm ducking him and not giving him a chance to win back his money. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can treat it like work and go out and get paid to not have a good time, or I can move on and give up playing for something on the line. Neither option sounds that great but if I have to choose I'd go with the second option. Life's way too short to have a bad time on the course. 

Just go ahead and duck him. We have a guy like that. We spoke to him and it never improved, then we all refused to play him for money. That seemed to straighten him out and he changed his ways. 

Edited February 18, 2021 by 2bGood

[Hawkeye77]

7 minutes ago, Fighton26 said:

 Life's way too short to have a bad time on the course. 

Doesn't really matter what the reasons are, just keep looking at what you typed.

 

Find a different way to spend your time on the course that is a good time for you.

 

Five cents please!

[Jose c.]

15 minutes ago, Fighton26 said:

And I can't get out of it because it looks like I'm ducking him and not giving him a chance to win back his money. 

Its Not worth your time,but dont understand "win back his money" he never paid you.

[PJE]

I draw the line at hanging out with people who've been in jail. I've known some of those people and each of them had long standing problems with impulsiveness, immaturity, and a strange way of ignoring foreseeable outcomes.   So, I don't think there is a way to subtly or not so subtly influence your golfing partner towards better behavior.  Your other buddies are just enabling him, i.e.,"...him being him..." but his behavior probably doesn't bother them as much as it does you. 

However, you could lie to him and tell him you can't afford to bet so high anymore?  Maybe he would back off on the pressing.

But I think it's best to gradually fade away and play with the other group. 

[Fighton26]

4 minutes ago, Jose c. said:

Its Not worth your time,but dont understand "win back his money" he never paid you.

He's not a deadbeat. He's always paid his losses. He's a man of his word, but the whole thing just isn't fun to deal with. 

[nitram]

Do you settle all of the bets at the end of the round or do you let him carry over to the next time? The reason I ask is if you're not settling up at the end of the round, you should be. I'd probably have him get square on the bets he owes me and not bet him again until he does. I'd make sure he saw me betting the others but passing on him. When he wants to have a conversation about it just tell him it's time to get square and stay that way. If he can't pay, he can't play.

 

You should always accept anyone's press and giving him the chance to win his money back is the good thing to do but not if he's a continual dildo about it.

[Soloman1]

No worries. I guess you'll just have to wait until your next life to enjoy good-natured competition and fun with normal humans.

[Jose c.]

10 minutes ago, Fighton26 said:

He's not a deadbeat. He's always paid his losses. He's a man of his word, but the whole thing just isn't fun to deal with. 

My fault for assuming that. So it seems you enjoy this group just except it like the other guys and why not up the bets. He says $50 you say $100. 

[leftyshindig]

Life is too short to have to deal with people like that. In a tournament, yeah you get the occasional a hole. But you should be able to find a good money without having to deal with a hothead. 

[ClubBuildRookie]

Next round you play with the guy tell him exactly how you feel face to face.  Since your the one with the case of the p***y willows regarding higher stakes and pushing bets to high, I’d suggest you own up to that and explain the problem as being you not him sense that truly is the case.  The conversation will go much better that way too.  
 

If your truly up a couple hundred and can afford to play for it, give the man one final chance to play for the big bank roll but explain you won’t continue making uncomfortable bets with him in the future and this is his last chance to get even quickly.  Establish the bet and tee off.  If you lose, your even and he feels better.  If you win, take the high road and refuse take his money.  He’ll respect you for that and realize your not play for his money.  Regardless of outcome, your square and you established the expectations for future rounds in a manner that he is forced to accept and respect because you declared the problem is you, not him.  

[Fighton26]

6 minutes ago, ClubBuildRookie said:

Next round you play with the guy tell him exactly how you feel face to face.  Since your the one with the case of the p***y willows regarding higher stakes and pushing bets to high, I’d suggest you own up to that and explain the problem as being you not him sense that truly is the case.  The conversation will go much better that way too.  
 

If your truly up a couple hundred and can afford to play for it, give the man one final chance to play for the big bank roll but explain you won’t continue making uncomfortable bets with him in the future and this is his last chance to get even quickly.  Establish the bet and tee off.  If you lose, your even and he feels better.  If you win, take the high road and refuse take his money.  He’ll respect you for that and realize your not play for his money.  Regardless of outcome, your square and you established the expectations for future rounds in a manner that he is forced to accept and respect because you declared the problem is you, not him.  

 

I don't think he's a bad guy. There is nothing personal I have against him. Like I said, he pays his bets and he's true to his word. What I have an issue with is the fact that he creates drama when there doesn't need to be any. If the starter makes a smartass comment do you really have to try to fight him? If someone's playing loud music a fairway over can't you ask them to turn it down instead of telling them to shut the f*** up? I mean these are things I've brought up. I've told him face to face that he's gotta chill out a little. And as far as me being the problem, what normal people want to play for $100 a hole unless you've got gambling issues. We've ended up playing for that amount so obviously I can swing it, but it's not something I set out to do. The goal for most people is to play for an amount that will keep the round interesting, and not having to explain to your wife how you lost next month's mortgage payment. As far as your solution goes, maybe I'll have to try out that showdown at the OK Corral approach. Put up your 401k vs mine and may the best man win. 

[straightshot7]

3 hours ago, Fighton26 said:

Thanks for those of you who have given advice. I have spoken to some of them beforehand about it but the group dynamics are a little different. Basically, me and the hothead are right around the same handicap so we play straight up every time. The other guys usually give or get a few strokes so they're only in for the group match. Outside of the betting issue, they've seen the other stuff and have just accepted it (getting into it with other groups, or marshals/staff who speak condescendingly, etc). They've known him for years and know about his history of fighting, having spent time in jail, and other off course issues. They just chalk it up to him being him. I've tried to do that to a certain degree but he and I bump heads more often because of the side match. And I can't get out of it because it looks like I'm ducking him and not giving him a chance to win back his money. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can treat it like work and go out and get paid to not have a good time, or I can move on and give up playing for something on the line. Neither option sounds that great but if I have to choose I'd go with the second option. Life's way too short to have a bad time on the course. 

 

There's a third option...you can leave this money game and find a different one.

 

Leave the group and start meeting other people at the course or courses you play. Or you can even use the internet to find other golf partners.

 

Maybe you could even get multiple new groups going. Eventually you will find one that plays for the stakes you want to, and doesn't act crazy.

 

It sounds like this guy's behavior is too bothersome to you to continue sticking around. Settle things up and tell them you're going to take a break from the group for a while. 

Edited February 18, 2021 by straightshot7

[ClubBuildRookie]

Dramatic is going from a couple hundred bucks to a 401k.  You might be a better fit than you think...Lol.  In all seriousness, a person won’t easily or quickly change their dominant behaviors and traits.  If you don’t enjoy the way the guy behaves and carries himself on the course, find a new huckleberry more to your liking.

[Fighton26]

10 minutes ago, straightshot7 said:

 

There's a third option...you can leave this money game and find a different one.

 

Leave the group and start meeting other people at the course or courses you play. Or you can even use the internet to find other golf partners.

 

Maybe you could even get multiple new groups going. Eventually you will find one that plays for the stakes you want to, and doesn't act crazy.

 

It sounds like this guy's behavior is too bothersome to you to continue sticking around. Settle things up and tell them you're going to take a break from the group for a while. 

It's crazy, I never thought I'd ever join a private club but it just seems like the stars have aligned. It's nearly impossible to book public courses two weeks out, pace of play is pushing 4.5+ hours, and playing with my regular group is starting to feel like work. Maybe it's time I drop the initiation fee and enjoy the perks a private membership can bring. 

[ClubBuildRookie]

Be careful, you’ll have to tell your wife you lost another mortgage payment.

[curt_jr]

2 hours ago, Fighton26 said:

It's crazy, I never thought I'd ever join a private club but it just seems like the stars have aligned. It's nearly impossible to book public courses two weeks out, pace of play is pushing 4.5+ hours, and playing with my regular group is starting to feel like work. Maybe it's time I drop the initiation fee and enjoy the perks a private membership can bring. 

Maybe this dude just helped you upgrade your golf-life significantly 😂

[phizzy30]

8 hours ago, Fighton26 said:

It's crazy, I never thought I'd ever join a private club but it just seems like the stars have aligned. It's nearly impossible to book public courses two weeks out, pace of play is pushing 4.5+ hours, and playing with my regular group is starting to feel like work. Maybe it's time I drop the initiation fee and enjoy the perks a private membership can bring. 

I hear ya bro.  That's why my father went the cc route a long time ago.  As for the hothead in your group, it sounds like he feels the need to assert his dominance.  Alpha male type of aggressive behavior.  It's quite common in people especially men that have spent time in the pokey.  Never back down or show weakness in front of others.  Honestly, I wouldn't even bother confronting him about it and find another group of golfers to play with.  It could get really heated and end up with both of you getting physical or he could end up respecting you for standing up for yourself.  Not worth the hassle either way IMO.   

[miamistomp]

Thats why I prefer to play alone if I can

  What is the point of gambling with " friends" ?

 You want to prove you are good-play a tourney

  Want to gamble-go to the track or casino

   Why f up a nice day of golf ?

[caniac6]

I was always paired with a guy with a bad temper. I quit playing with the group. I play to have fun. I don't want to deal with a guy blowing up, or just waiting, because you know it's coming, for him to blow up. Sounds to me like this guy has some real problems. I would tell the other guys that you will quit the group unless something is done about this guy.

[junkfry]

We have a guy who is the same as you describe, but less angry. He cannot play without "something" on the line. Always pressing, side bets on any shot any time, front-back-total side bets, total puts, anything really.... He's just a gambler and has that disease/compulsion. We as a group have controlled it by allowing 1 press per side, and only if you are down overall on that side. So 2 presses total by him, if he's down. This keeps him satisfied for the most part.  Personally I'll take some of the side bets because I come out on top more often than not. 

[Sean2]

I played with a really nice guy, but on the course he could go ballistic. I stopped playing golf with him, telling him he was ruining the game for me, and as long as he continued his antics I couldn't play with him. He eventually learned to rein it in. 

[RmoorePE]

I like gambling and sometimes really want a golf round that is all the way juiced. Bets, and presses, plenty of in-round and shot by shot action. It sounds like the OP enjoys that part of the game, too. It can be really fun and add to the game. Mostly though I just want a simple bet that allows me to stay focused on the game.  My answer (that I have used successfully), bet something tangible with no chance for a press. Always settled in pro shop after round, or before next round if we are playing again.

 

 Hats, shirts, sleeve of balls or my favorite Towels. I have like 20 club glove towels all the colors of the rainbow. Call out the item before the bet is made "KP for a ball marker" then the key is no press, just be like "No, I don't want 2 golf towels, we can go hat now." Once you start showing up with the items on your person or bag, the gambling slows quickly. For most of the people I play with, $20 to $200 just goes back in the golf bag for next time, and so it doesn't really matter. Plus eventually, the press pays off and so the cycle continues. Things take on different value psychologically - and they show up on the credit card bill.

 

As far as the hot head guy, is he the kind of guy who yells at high school soccer refs, and bitches about uneven tee boxes? I think I know one of them, my guy yelled "get some friends" when a twosome got on our tails one day. This guy is a prince to play with, plays by the rules, buys rounds of drinks, and is a gentleman to all in his group, but outside stuff sets him off. If the good outweighs the bad, keep playing with him, that's what I do.

 

 

 

 

[ChipNRun]

I have had encounters with a guy whom we will call Barry. Two years ago, we were in a threesome together at an end-of-season two-day tournament.

 

At the 8th hole we tried to buy some GatorAde at the drink shed. That way, no bunch up at the turn. But, the course forgot to staff it that day. So, I go into the snack bar at Nine, to buy a GatorAde so I don't melt in the 95* heat. Anyway, the clerk walks off with my credit card (it's a private club - can't pay with cash) and strolls back in five minutes later with my card.

 

The third guy and I hurry down to #10 tee, and Barry is teed up and ready to go. Gives a snarling "where were you guys," and proceeds to jerk hit drive left into the treelined creek.

 

The other two of us tee off, and fortunately have drives that make the fairway. Barry reloads, and pulls another drive hard left - at least he was consistent!

 

He then announces angrily that he's withdrawing from the tournament, and looks at me and says, "...And it's all your fault!

 

Fast-forward to this past summer. I'm playing in a similar tournament, and on opening day I go to my cart and find out I'm paired with... Barry! A third player is a no-show, so it's just him and me.

 

Things are OK until the 18th hole, a 470-yd. par 5 that goes downhill and uphill. Barry tries a super drive, and avoids a hook. But, he instead slices it, and it bounces off a tree top somewhere near a right-side hazard. But, no one saw it go into the hazard, so rules guy said its a lost ball.

 

Barry is furious, goes back to tee, but hits a super drive that reaches the hilltop and rolls into the lower fairway, about 180 yards out. An angry Barry goes into super-chop mode and ends up with an 10 on the hole. He loudly withdraws from the tournament, and vows never to play in another of the group's tournament again because the rules guy mistreated him.

 

Fortunately, he was calm enough to sign my scorecard before he stormed off.

 

This season, I will demand the organization not pair me with Barry in future tournaments.