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Playing partners with substance issues


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A tough call but one that is a real concern to me.

 

Over the past 2-3 years some of my regular playing partners, who used to enjoy a few beers, are now on the slippery slope to drug addiction. The occasional spliff has now accelerated to Class A drugs...to the point where they are becoming a real issue. My professional background means dealing with drug issues on a daily basis. My employer has a super strict code of conduct on anyone using illegal drugs. Smoking weed in your own home. I am not concerned...do as you please....smoking on the course stay away from me. Snorting coke and being moronic enough to smuggle it abroad on a foreign holiday. Find someone else to play with. It came to a head at the weekend where the users walked off the course before the 18th so they could get back to their narcs....

 

How do you politely tell them you aren't interested in playing with these once decent guys without A. Being labelled sanctimonius. B. Having to lie. C. Stopping them infecting other members?

 

All advice gratefully received. 

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That sounds unfortunate. Have you expressed your concerns to them? No offense but this post just sounds like you judging them and complaining which I more than understand. I guess the options you have are to find other people to play with or to let them know how it’s affecting them and others in the process. I’ve had friends with addiction that I’ve lost, so to hear you complaining that they’re ruining your golf is a bit tone deaf. You realize they’re dealing with mental health issues right? It’s not like addiction is some fun thing they’re doing without you. 

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hey @elwhippy I know how you feel and its a awful situation to be in, I knew this guy once who I went to college with and I played golf with him a few times but one evening he was caught by a pedophile vigilante group and he was sent down. After finding out I cut all ties instantly and never want nothing to do with him, it was hard but its something I couldn't risk my job for and honestly I think you should do the same. 

 

as the others have said above, There's plenty of other golfers out there to play with. Alternatively try informing the club of their activities and maybe the police as a last resort.

 

Hope this helps. best of luck and Good Golf 🙂 

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So one of my friends basically has substance abuse issues with alcohol and extra curriculars. The hard part is we could have 2 or 3 rounds he'd not touch a drop or maybe have a beer or two like a normal person. But then there are rounds when golf is the last thing on his mind and all he cares about is when the cart girl is coming around next and meeting up with a dealer after the round. It's extremely frustrating because we don't know when and where he'll do it. Sometimes he's perfect at the local goat track and other times when we're playing really nice courses he'll be awful. My other friends have gotten to the point where we have to tell him to not drink or be dumb at nice courses but there are times where we just won't invite him. But it's hard because keeping him busy keeps his mind off that and having him drink a whole bottle at home is the last thing I need to deal with.  

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  • 2 weeks later...

Wow, that is crazy. If these are just guys you play golf with, find other folks. If these are friends of yours, talk with them privately about your concerns and let them know you care about them, then find someone else to play golf with.

 

If folks I'm playing golf with want to have a good time, I'm not there to be the fun police. But I'm at a golf course to play golf and that is the primary objective.

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  • 2 weeks later...

If they are only golf acquaintances and not close friends then I would just stop playing with them altogether, sounds brutal but if that's not the company you want to be around then more for them. Simple as that.

 

If they are actual friends then its a trickier one which I'm glad i am not having to deal with but when our son came along we cut a few friends out our lives not altogether but became a little more distant. Some of the drugs, alcohol addiction and things they used to do which we never thought to much off we decided it wasn't right for our son to be exposed to. Whilst completely off topic I think it's important to do what is right for you.

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  • 2 weeks later...

It's one thing to do hardcore drugs on their own time, but it becomes a problem when it's carried over onto the course.  I'm not going to go into detail but I've been put in that situation quite a few times before.  I usually excuse myself after the front nine if I even suspect someone is heavily drinking or under the influence of hardcore narcotics.  They may not exhibit dangerous/wreckless behavior at the time, but it can lend itself to other issues.  You could also be caught in a situation where you yourself haven't done anything unlawful, but just being there at the wrong time could put you in a bad spot if LE is ever involved.  My advice would be to excuse yourself and not play with them again. 

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  • 1 month later...

I was playing in a tournament and a guy pulled out a bag of blow and asked if I minded if he did a couple rippers. I was a bit shocked, but I just went about my business. I smoke, I smoke on the course sometimes, but I am always respectful of the people around me and I never do it in a situation where it is noticeable to anyone but our group. In fact, I pretty much just use a pen now since it doesn't smell and you really can't tell if it's weed or a nicotine vape pen. But if I played with people on a regular basis who were doing stuff like that, I would just tell them that's not for me, and not play with them anymore. Hope you find some new playing partners. 

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I’ve experienced this.  Though the friend became an alcoholic.  I stopped having him in the group and made the excuse that I missed playing with him the way we used to when we were younger.  So I set up 9 hole rounds on whatever weekday I could make it, just him & me playing, and kept it light asking a lot of open ended questions to get him to talk.  Turns out a lot of very emotional things had been surfacing for some reason and he felt like he was drowning.  So my advice would be to get him to open up.  After that professional help is needed.

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  • 2 weeks later...

A few guys at our club will take a gummy before they play.  
They aren’t terrible players, but they aren’t good either.  
The main reason I don’t play with them is their having to play music while playing, but they are slowly alienating themselves from the rest of the club.  
When I see them on the course I always thing of what I heard a comedian say one time. 
“That guy brings down everyone around him like an eighth grade pothead.”

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  • 2 months later...
On 4/5/2021 at 1:24 AM, elwhippy said:

A tough call but one that is a real concern to me.

 

Over the past 2-3 years some of my regular playing partners, who used to enjoy a few beers, are now on the slippery slope to drug addiction. The occasional spliff has now accelerated to Class A drugs...to the point where they are becoming a real issue. My professional background means dealing with drug issues on a daily basis. My employer has a super strict code of conduct on anyone using illegal drugs. Smoking weed in your own home. I am not concerned...do as you please....smoking on the course stay away from me. Snorting coke and being moronic enough to smuggle it abroad on a foreign holiday. Find someone else to play with. It came to a head at the weekend where the users walked off the course before the 18th so they could get back to their narcs....

 

How do you politely tell them you aren't interested in playing with these once decent guys without A. Being labelled sanctimonius. B. Having to lie. C. Stopping them infecting other members?

 

All advice gratefully received. 


I had a similar experience.  
 

The narcs seemed to stay off the course but plenty of issues were had on the course.  
 

It got to the point where if I wanted to play in any of these groups I needed to get at minimum very drunk.  The gambling got way out of hand, too.  It really was no longer about getting better at golf and these guys had really, really bad attitudes.  It was bad for my game, my health and my life.  
 

So I went to a different club with a higher barrier to entry.  
 

Some of those issues still exist but not on the course and the general vibe is way better because most everyone is “ok” and has something to lose.  

 

I appreciate you wanting to help them/give them more chances but frankly they aren’t going to listen to you - as harsh as it sounds you need to sack up and do what’s right for you regardless of how they react. 
 

I mean, at the end of the day what are you worried about?  A bunch of degenerate drug addicts don’t like you?  Not the end of the world dude…

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  • 6 months later...

The biggest issue which it sounds like you are at is getting more blow will be the most important part of the round vs playing golf. I'd look for a new group. I like to have a few beers playing and occasionally do the guys golf trips where we have quite a few beers but getting into blownonnthe course is a little over the top.

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A few years back we had a young kid on our yearly guys golf trip. I remember for the first couple of years he would randomly light up some weed out on the course. I didn't love the idea of him doing it, but I never said anything and neither did anyone else in the group. Then one year he pulled out some cocaine and started to snort it part way through the round. The guy who was riding with him dropped his jaw in shock. "What the heck are you doing??". He calmly replies "just a little coke, dude, relax", like it was a normal part of his golf round or something. 

Basically we said something to the guy who runs the trip, as this guy was primarily his friend, and if anyone should talk to him it would have to be him. He had a chat with him and said we don't care what you do in your personal time, but please don't do it around us. That was the last time he came on the trip with us. Not sure if he was embarrassed, or ticked at us for calling him out. He'd have been welcome if he wanted to come, just don't do that stuff on the trip. 

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You just have to say you can't play with them when there doing whatever the line is for you (hard drugs, weed, etc.). 

 

The thing with addiction is until they really want and seek help,  they won't get clean. Hopefully one day they do get treatment, get clean, and you can get back to playing. 

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  • 4 weeks later...

I have a lot of both experience and interest in this topic. The thing about people “partaking” when golfing is that it tends to screw up the flow of the game for others (both in the group and others on the course).  I think we have all seen people hitting the cart girl or “birdie juice” repeatedly and then their game goes to hell in hand basket. It’s simply annoying and does nothing to enhance the round.


Although you will never see me do it, I have no problem if someone has a beer or two or even hits their weed vape pen.. I realize that most folks are just trying to relax and enjoy their day. I just don’t like it when folks cross the line and get hammered.. Coke on the course is across that line every time.  
 

As far  as what to say: a little goes a long way. Less is more. Just a casual reference that you noticed their drinking or drug use is different than it was a year or two ago can do the trick. Once an alcoholic or addict realizes that their behavior is noticed by others, a switch can start to flip. It may take years (or never) that they do anything about it.  They may get defensive or offensive and they may get angry or hate you forever even if the comment was small.  
 

You certainly don’t need to say anything as it’s not your responsibility but their behavior on the course has little chance of changing if nothing is said and things are left status quo. Definitely stop playing with them if the behavior bothers you. They ain’t changing until they need to.

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  • 1 month later...

Interesting OP. And some interesting replies. 

The most obvious answer (that has been stated) is to play with others. 

 

I find it remarkable that some would walk off the course to do their drugs. What's the memory of their round? 

On that, I have to admit that I had some fun times golfing while on mushrooms with friends. We were all on 'shrooms. This was a fun time back in my early 20's, and, even though people say drugs ruin your mind, I remember those rounds vividly. Not our scores, but the fun we had!

 

Today, if I get paired with one that does drugs, I just let them do their thing and focus on my game. Nowadays my drugs are caffeine and beer. 

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I’d just politely explain it’s not fun for you anymore whilst they get drunk or high and you’re going to start playing with different groups from time to time and just casually change groups you associate with.

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