On course emotions for Juniors (< 10 year old)

[Noles]

On 4/19/2021 at 1:13 PM, mojomover said:

Hi everyone- I am guessing this topic has been discussed a fair bit but I wanted to get more ideas/feedback on junior (8-9 yr old golfers) emotions. For context, my son falls into that bucket, started playing in tournaments a year ago and has done well, scores like typical kids in this age, even par to bad rounds in the low 40's. He really enjoys golf, would not mind spending everyday playing, practicing. The typical tournament though, goes like this- on the drive over, super excited, you can sense it the day of the tournament and warm up, likely within the first 3 holes he would hit a bad shot and perhaps a bogey or a double and starts to get upset and cry, a birdie later and gets excited. This emotional behavior does not usually impact the rest of the round but it is a bit tough to see him have these visible emotional roller coasters. I am of the parents should maintain emotional flatline philosophy, so try to not show disappointment or excitement. On the ride back, he grumbles a bit but typically gets over it. So the question is, how do you coach kids of this age to be more emotionally "Stable" or is it just part of learning/growing? Anything I can do to help?

From the situation you described here, it sounds like your son is managing it on his own just fine.  Some kids cry at that age.  There is really nothing wrong with that.  He is handling his frustration and not letting it ruin the rest of his round or day.  I would suggest to continue to let him manage his emotions on his own and only attempt to help if he exhibits some lack of control like throwing clubs, interfering with other players etc.  

[TripleBogeysrbetter]

5 hours ago, BFD3 said:

What article? 

Just a generic one I was posting data from, but this is the main page.

 

https://devzone.positivecoach.org/resource/externallink/why-kids-quit-sports

[BIM_Monkey]

On 4/19/2021 at 8:42 PM, heavy_hitter said:

 

SMDH!!

 

Every thread has to mention fun?  I didn't know Fun was what this thread was about.  Sometimes it isn't fun when a kid acts like an a** or have emotional battles on the course. This was a legit question about tournament golf that a lot of parents are concerned about.  Just got off the phone with two separate parents where they were concerned about the same issue.

For kids it stops being fun when they are excpected to play like mini professionals. 

 

Many of the parents on here would have an absolute hissy fit if one of their kids hit a putt with a driver, just for fun. The fun is in letting them experiment and goof around if they want. 

 

Kids playing in competative 'tour' events at young ages places the focus on winning rather than fun and development. 

 

Its even worse for them if they have over analytical parents who want to discuss every shot and keeps stats. 

 

10 year olds are emotional creatures. Its what they do. Let them be emotional. Its all a learning experience. I'd be more worried if they weren't. 

[BFD3]

11 hours ago, BIM_Monkey said:

For kids it stops being fun when they are excpected to play like mini professionals. 

 

Many of the parents on here would have an absolute hissy fit if one of their kids hit a putt with a driver, just for fun. The fun is in letting them experiment and goof around if they want. 

 

Kids playing in competative 'tour' events at young ages places the focus on winning rather than fun and development. 

 

Its even worse for them if they have over analytical parents who want to discuss every shot and keeps stats. 

 

10 year olds are emotional creatures. Its what they do. Let them be emotional. Its all a learning experience. I'd be more worried if they weren't. 

That’s why my 9 year old son loves Jr League (at least during practice rounds). Hitting driver off the deck is his favorite shot...and he’s good at it. He literally pushes his cart while walking on his knees or he log rolls down the fairway with his friends. I’m pretty sure he couldn’t care less about the golf itself. He just likes screwing around with his buddies.

[TripleBogeysrbetter]

15 hours ago, BFD3 said:

That’s why my 9 year old son loves Jr League (at least during practice rounds). Hitting driver off the deck is his favorite shot...and he’s good at it. He literally pushes his cart while walking on his knees or he log rolls down the fairway with his friends. I’m pretty sure he couldn’t care less about the golf itself. He just likes screwing around with his buddies.

that's awesome!  I was playing twilight the other day with my kids.  First time I've played with them since about september (together).  Three holes ahead of us or actually next to us.  This one guy in the foursome had his daughter ( about 3) out with him.  She was digging in the sand and having a blast. 

[ChipNRun]

On 4/19/2021 at 12:13 PM, mojomover said:

The typical tournament though, goes like this- on the drive over, super excited, you can sense it the day of the tournament and warm up, likely within the first 3 holes he would hit a bad shot and perhaps a bogey or a double and starts to get upset and cry, a birdie later and gets excited.

 

So the question is, how do you coach kids of this age to be more emotionally "Stable" or is it just part of learning/growing? Anything I can do to help?

Eight-year-olds are kids. They have to learn bogies with the birdies.

 

Is the kid into tournaments as much as your are?

[Bizzle80]

To me this is a straight up parenting issue. Not saying you aren’t a good parent but kids feed off of us. It’s not just sports…but when my daughter - now 8 - would get irrationally emotional at anything I remind her that she will never get her way when having a tantrum. I always focus on telling her that in a totally calm demeanor. If I’m hyper/frustrated/angry/agitated it only amplifies her emotions. It’s hilarious to me when I see a parent literally yelling at their kids to calm down. Like that has ever worked. 
 

we need to stay calm as parents and tell our kids that emotional outbursts are not ok and not acceptable behavior. Kind of hard to preach that lesson if we are amped up in our own emotions. This is not just a golf or sports thing here. This is for them everywhere. 

 

we just started playing tournaments and my job as caddy is to be nothing but positive. Bad shot…no big deal let’s make a good one and get it back. If we show frustration at all it will only amplify their emotions. Double bogey? So what? She’s 8 and coming in 3rd at some local event has zero bearing on her future. We have to act like it doesn’t matter so that’s what they see and their emotional response will mirror ours. 
 

You will never see a caddy yelling or showing frustration at their pga player…so why would we do it to our juniors. 
 

it’s hard to do…but I’d bet that if your boy has emotional fluctuation of being excited for good shots and breakdowns after bad ones he’s mirroring your expressions to some extent. Again…this is hard to be flatline or at the very least show no frustration w bad shots. But if you can show you aren’t upset and reinforce the ability to go ahead and get bad shot back w a good one…I’d bet his reactions would turn to mimic yours. 
 

sorry. Long screed…
 

 

 

 

[mojomover]

4 hours ago, Bizzle80 said:

To me this is a straight up parenting issue. Not saying you aren’t a good parent but kids feed off of us. It’s not just sports…but when my daughter - now 8 - would get irrationally emotional at anything I remind her that she will never get her way when having a tantrum. I always focus on telling her that in a totally calm demeanor. If I’m hyper/frustrated/angry/agitated it only amplifies her emotions. It’s hilarious to me when I see a parent literally yelling at their kids to calm down. Like that has ever worked. 
 

we need to stay calm as parents and tell our kids that emotional outbursts are not ok and not acceptable behavior. Kind of hard to preach that lesson if we are amped up in our own emotions. This is not just a golf or sports thing here. This is for them everywhere. 

 

we just started playing tournaments and my job as caddy is to be nothing but positive. Bad shot…no big deal let’s make a good one and get it back. If we show frustration at all it will only amplify their emotions. Double bogey? So what? She’s 8 and coming in 3rd at some local event has zero bearing on her future. We have to act like it doesn’t matter so that’s what they see and their emotional response will mirror ours. 
 

You will never see a caddy yelling or showing frustration at their pga player…so why would we do it to our juniors. 
 

it’s hard to do…but I’d bet that if your boy has emotional fluctuation of being excited for good shots and breakdowns after bad ones he’s mirroring your expressions to some extent. Again…this is hard to be flatline or at the very least show no frustration w bad shots. But if you can show you aren’t upset and reinforce the ability to go ahead and get bad shot back w a good one…I’d bet his reactions would turn to mimic yours. 
 

sorry. Long screed…
 

 

 

 

Thanks, totally agreed. In our case, as I mentioned in my original post, I say that this is what I do "I am of the parents should maintain emotional flatline philosophy, so try to not show disappointment or excitement." So my 9yo does not really mimic me.

 

Having said that, as we have played a ton of tournaments, he seems to be doing much better. He had a tournament today where he started off with a triple, but ended up not getting upset, birdied the next 2 holes and finished +1 for the round. My own observation is that kids have expectations, and they need some number of rounds to realize that golf is a volatile enough and as others have said, as kids mature they find their own. 

 

I also realized, this is the right time for him to play on his own, so he owns the outcome. So I am there to be the cart pusher, snack handler, umbrella holder and fist bumper. As he gets to play local big kid events, will be the ball spotter. 

[RobS]

My boys are teens now so I have the benefit of hindsight from dealing with my own kids as well as many others from years of coaching sports.  Sports should always be fun, especially for pre-teens.  As younger kids, I told my sons that if they had negative reactions whether it be crying, outbursts or even persistent bad body language, we would no longer participate because sports are supposed are for fun.  I said it more in a rationalizing way than demanding and it was effective but that was one of only a few things I got right early on.  Where I made some mistakes in retrospect, was 'coaching' them too hard at times.  Golf is hard at every level and offering too much criticism, even when constructive, becomes counterproductive.  Same goes for showing frustration or disappointment or setting expectations too high as a parent.   As my kids moved into their teens, I too matured as a parent.  I look back at my performance expectations and recognize that many were unrealistic or unfair. I let what I wanted at times get in the way of just enjoying the experience.

 

My youngest, 14, is my jr golfer and is playing a lot of tournaments these days.  At this point, while I would love for him to have skyrocketing success, I'm realistic.  My job as a parent is to support him, provide access and opportunity and help him enjoy the game.  I've also learned to just enjoy watching him compete as my son, not my 'player'.  The behavior expectations still apply....no bad attitude, body language or outbursts.  All I ask of him are the things he has 100% control over; attitude and effort.  I still 'coach' him but it's different now that I have experiences to look back on.  I help him with his swing or other aspects of game when he asks or if I see something he'd be receptive to hearing.  We breakdown his rounds, which we both enjoy.  After a bad round, I ask him what he thought and what he thinks he needs to work on.  Regardless of the outcome, I always ask him to pick out something he did well or was happy about.  We set goals but most are short term and realistic.  He has larger goals, such as playing in college.  My advice in response is to have a great academic record, represent himself well on and off the course, work hard on his game and enjoy it every step of the way.

 

As golf parents, most if not all of us hope that our kids are a special talent but no offense, very few are.  Just help your kid be the best that they can be without pushing so hard and wanting so much that you ruin the experience for you child and for yourself.

 

Back to the original question about emotions.  Set reasonable requirements for your kids behavior as a condition for them to keep playing a given sport.  Don't put them in a pressure cooker with your expectations, actions or reactions.  Make having fun top priority.  Explain that emotional outbursts are unfair to their playing partners and that they should strive to be a player that everyone enjoys playing with.  Remind them that golf is hard, things go wrong all the time and the only thing to worry about is the shot you're about to play.

Edited August 13, 2021 by RobS