Best golf joke?

[Caddyguy]

Give me something new to share with other players and caddies, what are the best golf joke anyone has heard lately?

[spooky]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

 

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

 

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

 

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

 

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

 

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

 

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

 

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

 

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

 

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

 

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

 

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

 

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

 

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

 

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

 

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

 

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

 

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

 

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

 

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

 

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

 

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

 

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

[villa]

A golfer in Ireland hit a bad hook into the trees. Whilst looking for his ball, he discovered a leprechaun flat on his back with a big bump on his head, and the ball next to him. The golfer cautiously approached the little guy and revived him with a splash of water from his bottle.

 

"Arrgh! What happened?" said the leprechaun. "Oh, I see. Well, you got me fair and square. You get three wishes. What is it you want?"

 

"Thank God, you're alright!" said the relieved golfer. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're okay and I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hit you."

 

The golfer makes sure the leprechaun gets to his feet and goes off to continue his round.

 

"What a nice guy" said the leprechaun to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him three things I would want. A great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

 

A year later and the golfer is back. He hits another hook into the woods and finds the leprechaun waiting for him.

 

"'It was me that made you hit the ball here" said the leprechaun. "I wanted to ask you, how's your golf game?"

 

"That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm a famous international golfer now!" the golfer answers. "By the way, it's good to see you're alright."

 

"Oh, I'm fine now, thanks. I did that for your golf game. Now tell me, how's the money?"

 

"Well, I win a fortune in golf but if I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long" said the guy.

 

"I did that for you as well. And how's your sex life?"

 

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "Errr alright, I suppose."

 

"Come on now" says the leprechaun. "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?"

 

Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

 

"What!" says the leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Once or twice a week?"

 

"Well" says the golfer, "I figure that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

[villa]

A man was playing his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.

 

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

 

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round so he decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

 

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best score by more than 10. He was jubilant! Then he remembered his wife.

 

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

 

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!

 

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished

that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require around the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

 

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

 

The doctor laughed and said "Just f*cking with you, she's dead. What'd you shoot?"

[Shaitan]

Wat's up villa, haven't seen or spoken to u in ages :russian_roulette:, good first joke, i've heard the second but its still hilarious, anyways:

 

A man walks into a church, and goes to the confessional box.

 

The priest asks him: "have you sinned, my son?"

The man answers:"Father, I have taken the lords name in vain"

The priest answers:"Well why dont you tell me how this has happened"

The man says:

"Well I was playing golf yesterday, like I always do, but I was having a really bad day.

My first drive was all wrong, I sliced it off towards the road!"

"Was that when you sinned?" Inquired the priest.

"No Father, my ball bounced off a passing car, glanced off a tree and landed on the fairway! But then I misjudged my second stroke, and landed it deep in the bunker!"

"And it was then that you took the lords name in vain?"

"No! A bird swooped down, took the ball in its mouth and dropped only 5 cm from the hole!"

The priest jumped up and yelled:"Jesus Christ! Don't tell me you missed the f***ing putt!!!"

[Shaitan]

HER DIARY:

 

Saturday night: I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet

at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day long, so

I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no

comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere

quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he kept quiet and absent. I asked

him what was wrong, he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that

he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

 

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept

driving. I can't explain his behavior, I don't know why he didn't say I

love you too.

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to

do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant

and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About ten minutes later he

came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress, and we made

love. But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were

somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided

to confront him with the situation, but he had fallen asleep. I started

crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm

almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a

disaster.

 

HIS DIARY:

 

Played a horrible game of golf today! Shot a 95. Can't putt for s***.

Got laid though.

[IanWoos]

A guy wakes up on his birthday and gets ready for some yard work. His wife tells him it's his birthday and he should go out with the guys and play golf instead of working in the yard. He rounds up the guys and heads to the course. They proceed to pound down many beers and decide to play a bonus 18. After 36 holes and many beers, he comes home drunk and without saying a word, slaps his wife across the face.

 

She says "What the hell was that for?" He says "Well, I've been hittin' everything fat all day!" :russian_roulette:

[golfho]

Wat's up villa, haven't seen or spoken to u in ages :russian_roulette:, good first joke, i've heard the second but its still hilarious, anyways:

 

A man walks into a church, and goes to the confessional box.

 

The priest asks him: "have you sinned, my son?"

The man answers:"Father, I have taken the lords name in vain"

The priest answers:"Well why dont you tell me how this has happened"

The man says:

"Well I was playing golf yesterday, like I always do, but I was having a really bad day.

My first drive was all wrong, I sliced it off towards the road!"

"Was that when you sinned?" Inquired the priest.

"No Father, my ball bounced off a passing car, glanced off a tree and landed on the fairway! But then I misjudged my second stroke, and landed it deep in the bunker!"

"And it was then that you took the lords name in vain?"

"No! A bird swooped down, took the ball in its mouth and dropped only 5 cm from the hole!"

The priest jumped up and yelled:"Jesus Christ! Don't tell me you missed the f***ing putt!!!"

 

Now, that was funny.

 

My chest hurts from laughing.

You will be receiving my doctors bill.

 

Thanks for the laugh on a miserable Monday afternoon.

[doublenuts]

The Golf Channel

[golfho]

At least you can get the Golf Channel.

[Beavs17]

Dear Abby,

 

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating

on me. The usual signs: phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs

up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently, although

when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work,

you don't know them."

 

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I

usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject

with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth,

but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

 

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf

clubs so I could get a good view of her when she arrived home from a

night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning

up her blouse and she took her panties out of her purse

and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs,

that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a

hairline crack right by the club head.

 

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the

pro shop where I bought it?

 

Signed,

Perplexed

[doublenuts]

At least you can get the Golf Channel.

 

 

It's not worth it anymore. If I had to pay for it... I would have cancelled it and asked for a refund.

[golfbum9]

:russian_roulette: These are VERY funny!! Keep 'em coming... :(

[3woody]

A man is having an affair with his secretary at work that is 15 years his jr.

 

One afternoon, they go to their usually hotel for a little sex. After a couple hours of sex, they both fall asleep. The man wakes at at 8.30 and says," Oh sh8t, my wifes gonna kill me i should have been home 3 hours ago." As he jumps up and starts getting dressed, he tell his girl "take my shoes outside and rub dirt all over em." She looks at him a little crazy, but does as he says.

He pulls in the the driveway, fixing his tie and quickly walks into the kitchen where his wife is fumming. She starts ripping into him," WHERE THE F*CK HAVE YOU BEEN, YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN HOME HOURS AGO." The man stares into his wifes eyes and says," Honey i cant keep this lie up anymore, i m having an affair with my secetary and i fell asleep at the hotel." She looks at him again very closely, than looks down at his shoes and says," You were at the driving range you no good lying son of a b*tch."

[TNSooner]

4 couples are standing on the first tee...

 

The decision was made that the 4 women would play in the first group and the 4 men would play in the second group.

 

The women tee off one by one until the last one gets over her ball and whiffs it three times in a row. She gets frustrated and takes a huge swipe at it and dribbles it off the tee, just short of the water hazard about 30 yds. away.

 

She turns to the men, waiting to tee off behind them and says, "I guess all those f***ing lessons I took over the winter aren't going to help at all!!!", and storms off the tee and heads for her cart.

 

One of the men replies, "Well, that explains it. You probably should have taken golf lessons instead."

[w8liftr]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her

ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

 

 

 

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together

at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

 

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could

relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

 

'Oh no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man

replied.

 

 

 

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position still clasping his

hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally

allowed her to help.

 

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his

pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful

massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

 

He replied: "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken".

[Shaitan]

Jesus and Tiger Woods were playing golf. It's Tiger's turn to tee off, and he does so on a long par five. It's a great drive straight up the fairway, and he's about a seven iron off the green. "Not bad," Jesus says. Jesus then steps up to tee off, and He too hits a great shot, but it's not anywhere near as close as Wood's first shot.

 

Just as the ball comes to a stop, a gopher pops out of its hole, grabs Jesus' ball in its mouth and starts to run up the fairway. Before it can get even twenty yards, an eagle swoops down out of the heavens and grabs the gopher in its mouth and flies off towards the green. Just as the ball, eagle, and gopher get above the hole, a lightning bolt strikes out of a cloudless sky and vaporizes both the eagle and the gopher. The ball drops straight down into the hole for a hole-in-one.

 

Jesus looks up and says, "Dad! Please! I'd rather do it myself!

[Shaitan]

There was a good man named Bill who died and appeared before St. Peter at the Holy Gates. St. Peter checks out his books and discovers that there is a problem. He says that there is no clear answer in the books on where the man is supposed to go, Heaven or Hell. He suggests that the man should go to Hell and check it out, so that he may make the decision himself. If he didn't like what he saw there, he could come back to Heaven.

 

Well, this man had only one true vice while he was alive. It seems he had an uncontrollable desire to play golf at any opportunity. He had traveled the world playing all the famous golf courses. When the man arrived in Hell, Satan welcomed him, but he too was surprised at the man's situation. He had assumed that since the question about the man's ultimate destination wasn't clear, the man would go to Heaven.

 

Behind Satan, Bill could see the most beautiful golf course ever built. It had beautiful trees, blue ponds, water separating the fairways, and almost everything in a golf course a golfer could ever wish for in life. Bill fell in love with it at first sight, and he couldn't control himself. He just had to play a round. The devil showed him a solid gold electric golf cart, and a perfect set of custom clubs. Satan reached into his pocket and presented the man with a Golden Tee. The devil then said that only members could play. The man couldn't control himself. He just had to play there.

 

Bill returns to Heaven and tells St. Peter that he has decided to stay in Hell so he could play on the Beautiful Golf Course there. When the man returns to Hell, he approaches Satan and asks for a tee time. The devil says that anytime at all, the man could play. No one else uses the course. Chuckling with glee, the man approaches the first tee. He gets out of his beautiful golf cart, reaches for his perfectly matched clubs and selects his driver. He then reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out his Golden Tee, then frantically searches everywhere for a ball. Satan comes up and the Bill asks him for a ball.

 

"That's the Hell of it," says Satan.

[Shaitan]

It seems there was this priest who just loved to play golf, but he had been very busy for many months and had not been able to get away to go golfing. Well, one Sunday morning he woke up and felt he just HAD to go golfing. The weather was just beautiful.

 

He called up the Bishop and claimed he had a really bad case of laryngitis and couldn't preach, so the Bishop told him to rest for several days. He then got out his clubs and headed off for the golf course.

 

He set up at the first hole, making sure no one was there to see him playing hooky, and blasted the ball with his wood. It was a beautiful shot! It went straight and true. It bounced, and bounced (right up onto the green) and rolled its way closer... and closer... a hole-in-one! The priest jumped up and down in his excitement, praising the Lord and shouting hallelujahs!

 

He struts off to the green, collects his ball, and tees off at the second hole, repeating his performance on the first hole, much to his astounded delight.

 

All this time St. Peter and God have been watching him from the gates of heaven. St. Peter has finally seen enough to pique his curiosity. "Lord," he says, "this priest seems to be a real trouble maker. He ignored his congregation and even lied to go golfing. Now you reward him with a hole-in-one! Why?"

 

God smiles, looks over at St. Peter, and says, "I'm punishing him." St. Peter looks very confused and asks God for an explanation. God replies, "Well, after he finishes his game by himself, who can he tell his story to?"

[Shaitan]

One pleasant afternoon, a Priest and a Nun were out golfing. The father deferred to the Nun on the first hole, and she hit a nice ball towards the green. The Father tees up, then smacks the ball into the woods.

 

"Damn it! #$*^&%$#%^@$# %#&^%&!$, I MISSED!" he cries.

 

"Father!" says the Nun, "You should watch your language. The Lord will not like it."

 

The second hole comes up. The father tees off, and the ball once again goes sailing into the woods.

 

"Damn it! #$*^&^%$#%^@$#, I MISSED!" he cries.

 

"Father!" says the Nun, "Watch what you say! It is Blasphemy!"

 

On the third hole, the father again tees up his ball. Once again, the ball sails wide, this time landing in the water hazard.

 

"Damn it! #$*^&^%$#%^@$#, I MISSED!" he cries.

 

As the Nun starts to speak, a great bolt of lightning sails down from the sky and strikes the Nun, reducing her to ash.

 

From the sky comes a booming voice: "Damn it! #$*^&^%$#%^@$#, I MISSED!"

[Big D McGee]

Two guys are about to tee off on the 10th hole, when they notice a funeral procession going by outside the fence.

 

One man immediately removes his cap and bows his head.

 

"Wow," his friend says, "That's really, really respectful of you!"

"Well," the first man replies, "I figured it was proper, seeing as how I was married to her for 25 years!"

[Shaitan]

It seems that four very low-handicapped players were playing their normal course. Unusually, the play was very slow and the players began to get frustrated. By the tenth hole, they began firing their tee shots at the foursome ahead of them, who were constantly in the woods and were the root cause of the slow play.

 

Finally, the good foursome finished their round, coming in just under eight hours. After spotting the slow group in the clubhouse, they went right after them, swearing their asses off. The club pro saw this spectacle and pulled aside the guys. He said: "Didn't you know that the foursome ahead of you are all blind; they're taking part in a special event."

 

After hearing this, the foursome immediately reconsidered. The first one said, "Just to show how sorry I am, I'll pay for their green fees." The second replied, "And I'll pay for their carts." Predictably, the third member said, "Whatever food and drinks they want, I'll pay for them." The club pro considered their acts very gracious and, turning to the fourth member, said: "And what are you going to do for them?"

 

The golfer, still noticeably upset, retorted, "To hell with them, they could have played last night!"

[Shaitan]

A deaf mute steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course, when a large burly guy yells "Hey You!, Nobody tees off ahead of Big Ralph". Being deaf the poor guy continues to prepare for his shot, so Ralph runs up thinking the deaf mute is being obstinate, and knocks the poor guy to the ground, kicks his ball away, and prepares for his own shot. After Ralph has hit the ball and proceeded down the fairway after it, the mute gets up brushes himself off, waits a moment, and again prepares his shot.

 

The deaf mute then hits a beautiful shot straight up the middle of the fairway, striking big Ralph in the back of the head, and knocking him unconscious. The mute then walks down the fairway rolls big Ralph and holds up four fingers in front of Ralph's face.

[mjc694]

a woman has just finished the first hole, and is walking to the second when she is stung by a bee. She runs back to the pro shop, and tells the pro..."i was just stung by a bee!!"

 

The pro inquires...."Where were you stung?"

 

She replies...."between the first and second holes!!"

 

The pro thinks for a moment, and says....."perhaps your stance is too wide!"