The game's most awkward moments

golfdigest · May 16, 2007

(June 2007)

Awkward moments

12 awkward moments in golf...and how to handle them

Photo: Eric Tucker

By the Editors
Golf Digest
June 2007

Golf is a complicated game. It's governed by a seemingly endless list of mysterious rules, rituals and other etiquette niceties, some written down and some not, because in four-plus hours, over varied terrain, in an often highly charged, competitive atmosphere, all kinds of weird stuff happens. Sometimes it seems like hitting the ball is the easy part--it's dealing with all that messy humanity that poses the problems. What follows are various tricky situations--all of which have personally happened to us, or we have perpetrated, or been witness to, or heard about--and our suggestions for how to tackle them.

Awkward Moment # 1:
Your extremely competitive boss unexpectedly invites you out for a game of golf at his club. That has never happened before. On the front nine, he shares with you all kinds of insight from his years in the business: the value of hard work, dedication, determination and how to succeed in life. "Just remember," he tells you as he lights up a cigar on the eighth tee, "nobody likes a loser." From then on, you play like a man inspired. You pound it miles down every fairway, hit daring approach shots to tucked pins and drain every putt. Your boss has stopped with the business seminar and is concentrating hard, but the harder he tries, the worse he plays. You're killing him, and now he's getting mad. He's 4 down with five to play.

What do you do next?
Bury the guy. Show no mercy. Put him away. Nobody likes a loser. But make sure you win with grace (being a good winner is just as important as being a good loser). No fist-pumping. Thank him for the game and tell him you got lucky. When you get back to the office--assuming you still have a job--no public bragging. (You want to be invited back for a rematch, right?) But yeah, play hard, always. Anything else is an insult to your opponents--and to yourself. Golf is war. Never forget that.

Photo: Eric Tucker

Awkward Moment #2:
The group in front consists of four big, tough guys with shaved heads, all terrible golfers. They've got a couple of six-packs of beer in their cart. And they're playing really slowly. They know you're there. You greeted them when you caught them on the fifth tee (they were decidedly unfriendly), and you and your pals have stood with your hands on your hips as you've waited on every shot, all day long. But these guys just don't seem to be taking the hint. Finally, when you get to the elevated tee of the par-5 12th hole they're still hitting--and the hole ahead of them is empty. You won't finish the round before nightfall if they don't let you through.

What do you do next?
Subtle hints don't work. Ask the meatheads in a loud, confident voice if you can play through. Explain that you're in a rush, and you'll be out of their way in no time. For the next few seconds, hold your ground and observe them very closely. If they start to bristle, or crack their knuckles, or remove concealed weapons from about their personages, quickly say: "Tell you what, if you let us through, the drinks are on us in the clubhouse when you're done. I swear we'll be out of your way in five minutes." If they still don't budge, retreat, give yourselves net pars for the hole, and head straight for the 13th tee. You could also complain to the golf shop and/or the ranger(s), but beware: Those Cro-Magnon types can't stand a tattletale.

Awkward Moment #3
You take three important clients to a fancy resort course. You're an OK player--some days your driving is off, some days it's your approach shots or your short game, but you can usually get it around OK. But today, you just can't do anything right. It's the worst you've ever played: You've got no confidence, you're sick of having to look for your ball, and you're having no fun. Conversation has petered out, and there's an embarrassed silence after every shot you hit. You're sure your clients are having no fun, either.

What do you do next?
Your golf swing, in the words of Prince Charles describing his ill-fated marriage to Diana Spencer, has "irretrievably broken down." So what? Get over yourself. There's absolutely no reason your miserable golf should make anyone else miserable. It's your job to make sure your clients have a good time. Humor will save the day. A carefully prepared arsenal of self-deprecating remarks will deflect the shame, embarrassment and sheer misery of chronic bad play:

"Sorry guys, I'm about as useless as an ashtray on a motorcycle today."
"I'm putting with all the touch of a chimpanzee. On crack. Wearing boxing gloves. Blindfolded."
"I'm about as much use as a one-legged man in an a**-kicking contest."

And so on. Manage your poor play as best you can. Leave the driver in the bag. Lower your expectations and play smart. Change your stance, backswing--anything. Try to find some kind of rhythm. Tell the others you'd welcome any swing tips. Invoke the "no hunt" rule that Lee Trevino plays in pro-ams--he doesn't expect his playing partners to look for his lost balls, and he isn't looking for theirs--except that you should look for theirs. And repair their ball marks. Attend the flag. Say nice things about their swings. Ask about their families, their work, their lawns. (People love to talk about their lawns.) Pick up when you're out of a hole. Keep smiling. Tip the beverage-cart driver and whisper a request that he/she return to your group every three holes. Apologize for your poor play--once--but don't dwell on it, complain or make excuses. Never get angry. And keep those one-liners coming. This is a test. We think you'll pass with great dignity, style and grace.

Awkward Moment #4
You're playing a mixed four-ball match. The two women in your group are rather proper. You all stop at the halfway house, where you hav a sandwich and a large coffee. Walking down the 11th fairway, you suddenly realize that you really have to use the bathroom--the coffee has gone right through you. But this is a fairly new, linksy-type course, there aren't many trees around and there are no restrooms except the one back at the halway house, or the one in the clubhouse.

What do you do next?
Your big mistake was not using the facilities while you had the chance. Learn from that. In the words of Janis Joplin, get it while you can. But what to do now? You're pretty sure you can't make the rest of the back nine without causing some sort of internal injury. You certainly won't enjoy your golf. So you gotta go--when nature calls, nature must be answered. First, scan the landscape. Is there really nowhere with a modicum of privacy where you can take care of business? A tree, a hedge, a wall? A hump, a swale, a really deep pot bunker? It's not a big deal if you're discreet about it--and probably those two women aren't nearly as uptight as you think they are. Second, take a look at the course map and see if any upcoming holes pass close to the clubhouse. If all else fails, tell the group you left your cell phone/wallet/lucky Tibetan coin back in the halfway house and need to go get it; you'll catch them later. If you've got a cart to get there quicker, so much the better. Whatever you do, don't suffer in silence. We don't want any accidents out there.

Awkward Moment #5
You go to play at a resort course on your own. On the first tee, the starter puts you with three other guys you've never met. While you're waiting for the group ahead to move out of range, one of the guys tells the group a joke that not only isn't funny but is also unbelievably racist. The three of them are now laughing heartily at the joke.

What do you do next?
It's just a harmless joke, right? These guys didn't mean anything by it. So you laugh along and play the game and have a good old day. Or do you? If you're not offended by the joke, could it be that you're a bit racist yourself? Or if you do find it offensive but decide to play along, aren't you nothing but a spineless moral coward? What if this would-be funny guy is a cop, or an immigration officer, or a teacher, or works in sales, advertising, media or any one of countless other professions where such tired attitudes, stereotypes, prejudices and jokes can cause real harm to real people. Funny, huh?

You can't play with these guys (why would you want to?). If you choose to tell 'em why, so much the better (cue Burke's dictum about evil triumphing when good men do nothing). But maybe actions can speak louder than words. Pick up your bag and tell the starter you'd like to play with some different people--preferably ones that don't still live in a cave.

For more awkward moments, and how to handle them, continue reading this article on GolfDigest.com.

Got an awkward moment of your own? Share it with us -- and let's see how others would handle it.