Any golf one liners not posted before?

[DemolitionMan]

We already wore out the Monica Lewinsky's and other phrases in the U.S. I came across these at the BBC msg boards that I have not heard before.

 

Anyone got any new ones that have not been posted on the msg boards 1000 times?

 

- Someone says your putt looks like a Jose-Maria, they mean it looks straight, but it's not.

 

- You split the fairway with your drive, it's a Blondie, in other words a fair crack up the middle.

 

- When you mishit an approach shot but it still just manages to trundle onto the front of the green, it's a sister-in-law, you're up there but you know you shouldn't be.

[Placebo]

These kinda fit the topic:

 

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

 

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

 

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

 

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

 

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

 

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

 

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

 

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

 

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

 

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

 

There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play them.

 

You can hit a two-acre fairway 10 percent of the time and a two-inch branch 90 percent of the time.

 

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

 

There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

 

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

 

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

 

If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

 

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

 

 

 

 

My fav is the one about lessons.

[cpa49707]

OUr favorite line is when someone pushs or pulls one in the woods. you hit that one nice but stupid

[Placebo]

I got another one. After your buddy hits a sissy tee shot ask to see his club. While giving the club a hard looking over, and never cracking a smile, ask him if they make these in mens clubs too! :fool:

[tpariff]

Here are a couple of my favorites:

 

1. When you hit one in the fairway or on the green, but didn't quite hit it perfectly you say, "that's a condom shot." "It didn't feel too good, but it's safe."

 

2. When your playing partner hits a putt that is horribly off line you say, "that reminds me of my 2nd grade teacher, Miss Read."

 

:fool: :ok: :D :D :D

[cpa49707]

Some of our favorite putting misstakes remarks are:

 

1 Did your skirt in get your way?

 

2 Atlest you had the right club

 

3 Well your a day late you had yesterdays pin placement

[Placebo]

LMAO those are some good ones guys! Now if I can just remember them for the next round. Cause its hard for me to remember past 4 minutes... :fool:

[tanj]

I don't think this is what your looking for but:

 

To 'put' is the action of placing an object where you want to. To 'putt' is merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.

[mizuno]

On a putt left short "Good decision to lay up!"

[gatorgrad]

Condom shot - a mishit shot that ends up ok, it didn't feel good, but it's safe.

[RSchaffer29]

Condom shot - a mishit shot that ends up ok, it didn't feel good, but it's safe.

42908[/snapback]

 

:fool:

[PingDaddy]

Putt comes up short: "What is your maiden name?"

[pargolfer]

For a thin shot:

 

"That was low and hot like a midget hooker!" :ok: :fool:

[Damo75]

"There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove."

 

Now THAT is funny! I've always had a bit of a laugh to myself when I see people doing that. There's a bloke at our club who does it EVERY shot on his practice swing. Plays off about 5 and thinks he should be on tour. Came in the clubhouse one day and was 2 under off the stick through 9 holes, and was complaining how bad he was hitting it. When I said something along the lines of "Geez, you must shoot like 59 when you're hitting it good then" he clammed up pretty quick.

 

But I digress, so back to the topic (well, sort of, but in reverse). I once heard Pete Sampras (yes, that Pete Sampras) describe a woman as: "She's a pitching wedge. She looks good from about 120 yards" :cheesy:

 

Or when someone skies one off the tee: "And (insert cricker's name) runs around and takes a simple catch at long on" For any Americans, I'm sure that could easily be adjusted to something like: And (insert baseballers name) runs around a takes a simple catch in the outfield."

[TourPro21]

whenever someone hits a decent drive ask them if their ball has an umbrella and when they say why tell them because my balls gonna piss as it flys by... my favorite is when someone chunks their tee-shot on a par 3 tell them good lay up...

[dwise25]

My favorite is something that was personally said to me. I went out on a Monday to play at a club that I had worked at 10 years ago. I did not have a handicap established anywhere and the 2 members asked me what my handicap was. I replied, "Probably between 6 and 8." They agreed to pair me with the pro and after I made eagle on the par 5 5th to go 2 under, the one member says, "Well, I'm not gonna get any from Marsha tonight because I'm getting f%$#ed on the golf course!" That has to be my favorite line. Not to mention that 2 holes later, when I knocked it on the green with about a 40 yard hook out of the left trees, the pro told me that I was going to get him castrated. Not to add insult to injury, the match was already over and the pro and I both birdied 16. One of my more memorable rounds. By the way, I ended up shooting a 76 on a par 71. I wasn't too far off :cheesy:

[magee99]

I was once playing with a older gentleman who hit his tee shot on a 120ish yard hold 15 feet....went on to say I'll have a good line in from there.....

 

Now whenever we're out playing with a bunch of buddies and somebody hits a terrible shot...'You'll have a great line in from there"

[Placebo]

 

I don't get it, and I'm not sure I want to.... :cheesy:

[dadriver]

 

I don't get it, and I'm not sure I want to.... :cheesy:

 

 

I dont' get why he realized the Aboriginal joke wasn't a good idea but thought this one was.

 

(Sorry, I'm not trying to be a jerk but it just begs the question....)

[italianstallion]

Everyone replaces their divot after a good shot.

[animalistic]

Everyone replaces their divot after a good shot.

 

 

strange but true!!! now that i think about it so do i......... :cheesy:

[tylerbrowder8-4]

hit a putt way past the cup

 

"hit a house!"

 

or like i say "hit a small child"

 

idk all the seniors got me saying it when i was in 10th grade

[bradkv]

After you outdrive one of your competitors...

 

I heard they were closing this course and building a Wal Mart.

They're gonna put it right between my ball and yours...

[italianstallion]

Had to clean this one up a bit folks. If you think it's inappropriate, it probably is. There's nothing funny about rapists and pedophiles.

 

Don't worry, I called the police, they're on him

 

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

[Damo75]

Everyone replaces their divot after a good shot.

 

 

strange but true!!! now that i think about it so do i......... :cheesy:

 

if you dont replace your divots you shouldnt be allowed to play golf.....

 

I disagree completely. If you replace them, all you end up with is a bit of dead grass and dry dirt sitting in a divot hole.

 

Filling the divot with sand however, does help the grass grow over the spot and repair much quicker (or so I've been told by a few greenkeepers)

[Sisu]

You're not good enough to lay up!

 

Was that your sand wood?

 

:cheesy:

[ricva]

Similar to some others posted here:

When leaving a putt short - "Don't leave heel marks on the green."

[animalistic]

Everyone replaces their divot after a good shot.

 

 

strange but true!!! now that i think about it so do i......... :cheesy:

 

if you dont replace your divots you shouldnt be allowed to play golf.....

 

I disagree completely. If you replace them, all you end up with is a bit of dead grass and dry dirt sitting in a divot hole.

 

Filling the divot with sand however, does help the grass grow over the spot and repair much quicker (or so I've been told by a few greenkeepers)

 

what i meant to say was that 'now that i think about it i seem to replace them with extra purpose after a good shot' but 4got 2 so i can see how that would have come across...sorry!!!

[jtmacg]

A "Hitler"- 2 shots in a bunker! :cheesy:

[ramsey_steve]

Back on topic:

I read a book last year that was vaguely about golf, and it had a great expression for putts left short, calling them a "Mexican" (just needed one more revolution).