Onion WRX

[JohnnyCashForever]

Billy Horschel unleashes Herman Melville-esque tirade against unpatriotic Walmart greeter for not wearing American flag pin. “From hell, I chastise thee.  With my last breath, I rebuke thee.  And oh, which way to sporting goods?  Thanks so much.”

[JohnnyCashForever]

Suspicious wife disappointed to learn from private detective that hubby really is just playing golf for 7 hours each weekend.

[JohnnyCashForever]

After years of therapy and conventional golf instruction, Trent Dilfer falls off the wagon and returns to Elk for one more lesson.

[JohnnyCashForever]

PGAT Confidential: Rory secretly watches reruns of Stuart Smalley in effort to cheer himself up after spinning another nuclear wedge off the 18^th green to miss playoff by one.

 

 

Edited October 2, 2022 by JohnnyCashForever

[JohnnyCashForever]

WRXer restlessly still awake at 2am wondering if a 4-capper with 17 clubs, 2 mulligans, and Bones on the bag could break 80 at Pebble Beach on the Monday after the AT&T Pro Am. 

[JohnnyCashForever]

Eagle-eyed Matt Kuchar beelines across the fairway to pick up discarded penny only to find it’s a wood chip.  Pockets it anyway.  “It’s the same color as the mulch we use at home.”

[JohnnyCashForever]

Frustrated 30-capper asks his teaching pro why, after 2 years of lessons, he isn’t improving.  Pro responds, “Let’s leave measuring progress to the experts.   Now, if you’re ready, do you remember how we talked about supinating the left wrist at P6?”

[JohnnyCashForever]

MAJ puts his foot down and removes all ribbons from his hat.  “I have seven ribbons already.  No?  Where?  Where?  Where do I put the 8^th ribbon?  ¿Aqui?  No.  ¿Aqui?  No.  ¿Donde?  ¡Basta ya!”

[JohnnyCashForever]

Instead of repeating The Legend of Bagger Vance every day for a month straight this winter, Golf Channel to begin showing critically acclaimed blaxploitation classics. 

[Purple Toupee]

1 hour ago, JohnnyCashForever said:

Eagle-eyed Matt Kuchar beelines across the fairway to pick up discarded penny only to find it’s a wood chip.  Pockets it anyway.  “It’s the same color as the mulch we use at home.”

This is the best one.  It’s the most Oniony.

[SE Gamer]

On 10/2/2022 at 8:10 AM, JohnnyCashForever said:

Callaway tries new marketing strategy.  “New Driver.  Same shape.  Same technology.  Same distance.  Sexy new paint job.  Only 50 bucks more!”

This is like those Babylon Bee headlines meant to be a joke, but eventually becomes reality. 

[JohnnyCashForever]

 

In celebratory ceremony, USGA awards Gary Nicklaus lifetime authority to grant himself amateur status anytime he wants.

[JohnnyCashForever]

NCAA limits the number of helpers in golfer’s entourage to 5 per hole.  Distraught lady golfer laments, “Does this mean I’ll have to carry my own parasol?”

[JohnnyCashForever]

Kohler builds artificial island in Lake Michigan as a rugged backdrop to Whistling Straits par 3.  ”Hey, when money is no object, no object is no object.”

[JohnnyCashForever]

After decades of planning, St. Andrews hotels to finally connect thermostats to actual HVAC systems.

[JohnnyCashForever]

Brandel Chamblee rails against the new crop of post-secession superstars.  “They’re so unknown and so boring.  I’m gonna have to just start making things up.”  Frank Nobilo reflexively disagrees and immediately starts Twitter war declaring that the star power on the PGAT has never been better.  

[JohnnyCashForever]

In hastily arranged press conference, Rory Sabatini declares himself an omni-sex citizen of the world in an unprecedented attempt to play for each team in the Ryder Cup, President’s Cup, and Solheim Cup over a 4-year period.

[JohnnyCashForever]

Golf Channel sets up camera on the 12^th green at ANGC to broadcast grass growing.  Ratings improve 7%.

[JohnnyCashForever]

WRX Confidential:  MLB umpire who called three consecutive balks against Marlins pitcher is outed as a frequent and respected contributor to the Golf WRX rules sub-forum.  Known for his incredibly strict-yet-correct interpretation of every rule.  Fellow rules sub-forum expert declares, “The way he called those balks with such relish, I knew he was a rules WRXer.”       

[JohnnyCashForever]

As the calendar turns to fall, golfer gets unexpectedly emotional when he suddenly realizes that he might actually have to put the clubs away and do some chores around the house.

[JohnnyCashForever]

Paul Azinger to release new coffee table book with trademark folksy sayings interpretable in any way possible for any situation.  “Chapter 1: Ya know, there’s sum’n about…”

[JohnnyCashForever]

Holly Sonders and Peter Kessler planning return to Golf Channel with new show.  Working title: T&A with Holly and Pete.  

[JohnnyCashForever]

 

British couple contemplates putting on mittens before finishing a refreshing ice cream at The Open.

[JohnnyCashForever]

Justin Thomas buys Sansabelt and launches line of capri pants for the hipster golfer of today.  “I wanted to take the classic go-anywhere Sansabelt attitude and make it zippy mod.”

 

[DArnie]

"Yeah, that's when it happened" Tiger admitted about his latest surgery to his knee. "And the funny thing about it, I didn't even make the putt."

[DArnie]

 Son, girlfriend kicked out of the house after argument with Mom over slow play. "Well, he is 36. Neither of them work and him telling me to just pick up after Double Pars was all I could take. Nobody tells me to speed up when I'm on the course!" 

[DArnie]

                    

 Energy drink saves golfer:  "We were walking and finishing up on #13 when we saw the Grizzly charging. Poor Fred slipped and fell down and it was over in just a few seconds. So that left me and Harvey. Lucky for me, I had just finished my energy drink and only had to run faster than him. Harvey landed a good one with his putter but I think it only made the bear madder. It shook me up so bad, I bogeyed the last 5 holes!"