Onion WRX

[JohnnyCashForever]

Been toying with the idea for a while.  A thread dedicated to satirical (and hopefully funny) headlines with a golf focus.  This could be great, or it could crash and burn.  Only time (and the forbearance of the moderators) will tell.  

 

[JohnnyCashForever]

Local beer cart girl left flummoxed after vacationing NJ golfer puts out cigar, turns off music, and politely asks for a bottled water and bag of peanuts.  “It was so weird.  He was a perfect gentleman.”

 

 

 

[JohnnyCashForever]

Ambidextrous golfer impresses fellow driving range junkies by shanking numerous wedges from both sides. 

 

[JohnnyCashForever]

Ferguson shaves mustache and beard to protest Phil’s facial hair.  “It had to be done.”

[JohnnyCashForever]

Karen notices geriatric playing partner tees off beyond markers and objects to his hole in one.  “Eighty-seven yards!  I can’t hit a better driver!”  “Well, it should have been 88 yards.  The rules are what separates us from the animals.”

[JohnnyCashForever]

Man shoots net 24 to lose golf league match by one.  “I lost to the better golfer.”

[JohnnyCashForever]

Golfer chased down the fairway for picking up playing partner’s ball again.  “I told you already that I mark my ball with happy faces!” 

[JohnnyCashForever]

In belt-tightening move, USGA plans to limit number of worthless initiatives to 10 from 15.  On the chopping block: Plan to melt down warehouse full of left-over Arnie “While we’re young!” campaign buttons into free ball markers for disadvantaged youth.  “It just wasn’t carbon neutral enough.”   

[JohnnyCashForever]

Developer announces plans to build luxury resort golf course at Machu Pichu.  After razing existing structures, plans to build championship worthy course adhering closely to the natural topography.  “Now I know how Bobby Jones felt when he saw what was to become ANGC for the first time.”

[JohnnyCashForever]

In shocking move, R&A announces plans to conduct an open tournament in the United States to be called the “The British Open” in a last ditch effort to differentiate the moniker from “The Open”.  Effort fails.  Defiant American scoffs, “So now there are two British Opens?  That’s dumb.” 

[JohnnyCashForever]

Top Golf champion prepares furiously to take PGAT by storm.  “With DJ, Bryson, and Cam out of the way, nothing can hold me back!  I just have to find my putter.”

[JohnnyCashForever]

 

Idaho farmer sculpts potato into an exact replica of a Pro V1.  Hilarity ensues after giving it to playing partner on the 1^st tee.  “It took me a month to carve one just right.” 

[JohnnyCashForever]

To celebrate 1000 years of existence, R&A changes name to Royal and Very Ancient.  USGA immediately creates committee to investigate own name change.  Per source, early list of proposals peppered with the words “inclusive,” “peaceful,” and “diversity”.

[JohnnyCashForever]

Old-timer who just traded in his trusted brassie for a TM Stealth driver still refuses to play golf without a tie.       

[JohnnyCashForever]

Adam Scott cast as 007 in remake of Goldfinger.  Producer likes that he can easily just miss a 3-footer on the 18^th for a bar of Nazi gold.  “It’s like he’s not even acting.”

[JohnnyCashForever]

Disgruntled adult son turns away as dad walks in another match-winning putt.  Uncontrolled cheering rings in his ears for seemingly eternity as he asks his bag, “Why can’t he let me win just once?”   

[GHIN n Juice]

Scotty Cameron has an original idea but cannot get raw materials to make putter

[SE Gamer]

Bigfoot Research Organization (BFRO) optimistic after signing Matt "Found It" Moroz to a 3-year deal. "He's got an uncanny ability to precisely locate a tiny white ball", said BFRO CEO Squatch Jenkins. "So yeah, an 8-foot tall skunk ape simply has no chance against a man of Matt's skill". 

 

(***Moroz pictured above, NOT bigfoot***)

[Argonne69]

Vokey Announces Ultimate Wedge. Will Close Down After Release.

 

"I don't know why I didn't do this sooner," said Bob Vokey at the press conference for the release of his upcoming wedge. "I could have been out fishing years ago." Titleist will be skipping the SM10 model, and jumping directly to the SM11. Why 11? "It's one better. When you need that extra spin off the cliff." 

 

[larrybud]

I'll play...

Wife Worried Golfer Husband is Cheating on Her
 

Local housewife, Emma Jacobsen, was concerned when her husband Bill of 14 years came home from his bi-weekly golf game, and didn't tell her about his round in detail.

 

"Normally Bill tells me about every single shot he made when he comes home", a worried Emma explains. "It's SOOO boring. I mean, I couldn't care less, and usually zone out when he gets to the 4th hole, but when Bill came home and immediately turned on the football game... well, I just know he's cheating on me".

 

"I don't even think he played 18 holes today", Emma stated, as she wiped a tear away from the corner of her eye. "Then at halftime I pressed the issue a bit and asked him how he played, and he just said 'alright'.  Alright?? What the heck is that?"

 

"Like last Saturday after his round, Bill was complaining that his buddy Dave took an illegal drop, and cleaned off his ball while on the fringe. Now, I don't even really know what he's talking about or why that matters, but today... nothing. I don't even think he had a beer!".

When we asked Mr Jacobsen about this, he just grumbled something about "aeration" and went back to reading his Dave Pelz book and watching Paige Spiranac videos on Youtube.

 

Mrs. Jacobsen states that she is going to keep an eye on things, and if it comes to be that she isn't even finding tees and ball markers in Bill's pockets when she does the laundry, then she will confront her husband about his possible affair.

 

Edited September 29, 2022 by larrybud

[DArnie]

 

Third Time Lucky?

Liam Mulligan had an unusual day as he he went to watch his favorite basketball player, Charles Barkley, play in the Cheetos Pro-Am which is in town this week. "I was lucky enough to get a free ticket at work as nobody else wanted it. I knew Charles was playing and him being my all-time favorite baller, I had to go."

"I caught up with him on the third hole. I was standing in the right rough about 75 yards away from the tee. Charles was hitting and as soon as he swung, I turned to watch the ball fly down the fairway and then Wham!, I felt a stinging in my left buttock like a bee sting. When Charles finally reached to my spot he said ",Hey man thanks for stopping my ball from going in the creek." 

" I was happy just to be that close to him, he's really big. I limped on following him to the next tee but decided I would be on the left side this time as my butt hurt pretty bad and I didn't want to get hit again."

"I be damn if he didn't hit a low screamer coming at me again and I ducked but it still caught me. This time on my right cheek . Now both of my cheeks were on fire. Charles said thanks again from keeping his ball out of the woods. I can't remember what I said as the pain was pretty bad at that point."

"So I decided to just limp in and head to the exit as I had seen enough of Charles for the day and the pain was getting worse. I was hobbling along when I heard someone yelling "Four." I was thinking that was quite odd when the lights went out. Someone must have poured a cold beer on me as it woke me up. And there was Charles again standing over me this time. I stumbled up to my feet somehow when Charles said " Damn man, you again? That's three licks in three holes. Man that's a turkey!. Caddy, give this man the other half of my turkey sandwich, he's the Turkey Man!"

" I'm glad you are here recording this because when I get home smelling of beer with a huge knot on my head and crawling up to the front door, I don't think my wife will believe me. Honey, this sandwich is for you!"

[Qqq123xx]

I'm sorry your not allowed to improve your lie. 

 

 

[Qqq123xx]

Lou and Fred, aka 'The Two Amigos,'  have been playing together for 117 years. "Sometimes we forget our clubs and just drive around. Once we ended up on the highway." True story. 

 

 

 

[JohnnyCashForever]

Outwardly amused wife secretly zones out as husband recounts every possible detail of the 83 he shot today.  “I have to listen.  It’s the only time he ever talks to me.  But if he says that it should have been a 79 one more time, I’ll scream.”

[JohnnyCashForever]

PGAT caddies learn martial arts to protect their players from increasing rowdiness at tournaments.  Instructors inundated with requests for the Patrick Swayze Roadhouse 5-finger death claw.  Caddies disappointed to learn that the move is fictional.  

[JohnnyCashForever]

In new translation of The Iliad, Homer recounts how Hector actually invented golf by using an oar and Patroclus’ head as a club and ball on a 3-hole course laid out around the walls of Troy.  Modern golf historians aghast. “And we thought the featherie was barbaric.”

[JohnnyCashForever]

In secret deal with NYT, Jay Monahan pays to subliminally advertise the PGAT on WORDLE with a week’s worth of golfy words.

[JohnnyCashForever]

In full Wrath of Khan mode, thirsty golfer maniacally rages as beer cart drives past without stopping.

[JohnnyCashForever]

In nod to new sponsor and his health, Patrick Reed switches from donuts to falafels.  “I’ve lost 4 pounds without exercising.”

[JohnnyCashForever]

Callaway tries new marketing strategy.  “New Driver.  Same shape.  Same technology.  Same distance.  Sexy new paint job.  Only 50 bucks more!”