Father's Day thread

[HoldenCornfield]

I thought it would be interesting to solicit some opinions and advice from this board on Fatherhood. My wife and I recently received a big shock this spring. At 46 I did not expect to be having another child but it looks like somebody had different plans for us! So, come late Sept/early Oct I will be getting a mulligan on Fatherhood.

 

I hold the members of this board in the highest esteem and most of you are old enough to have raised children so I'd love for you all to chime in about two things:

 

1) Hole-in-One - What's the best thing you've done as a father (beyond the basic needs of food-shelter-safety) for your child/children?

 

2) Mulligan - What's the one regret you have as a father, or the one thing you wish you could do over?

 

 

Or if you prefer, you can answer these questions about your own father.

 

Thanks, and I'm looking forward to your thoughtful responses. Maybe we can share our collective wisdom on something besides golf.

[HoldenCornfield]

I'll start off with a few thoughts of my own:

1) Hole in one - Both of my parents were teachers, and I think one of the best things my father did for his kids was to promote and encourage an environment of learning. He left the farm when he was 16 and put himself through junior college and college, and eventually a master's and doctoral program. And he made sure that each of his three kids got a college degree, too, though "The rest is up to you," he liked to say. [size=4]I'd like to think that I've provided the same type of environment as a parent, but I have also tried really hard to add more laughs along the way.[/size]

[size=4]2) Mulligan - I wish my father hadn't worked so much. When he wasn't working late at the office he was bringing work home and going straight to his study. I wish he had been more plugged in at home, but I'm afraid I've imprinted that same habit. I also regret that I have not been a daily part of my daughter's life since she was 9, as her mother and I did not stay together. But I've tried to make up for that with my stepkids. There's just no substitute for spending time with your kids.[/size]

[ScooterMcTavish]

Congratulations H-C.

To my mind, being a dad is one of the most rewarding things one can do with their lives, and the pride I feel about my two young ladies is palpable. I once heard that kids were like "having your heart walking around outside your own body" - a very apt statement.

And unfortunately, this may take you out of the game for a little bit. When my kids were little, and I was also going to school full-time while working full-time, golf just wasn't a priority. This being stated, now that the girls are teens, I have more free time to golf, and they even enjoy coming to the course every now and then.

1) Hole in One - I have two holes in one, though one may be more biological than deliberate. Hole in one #1 is creating a home where my children always feel safe, loved, and accepted. As Dr. Steven Covey said in one of his books, you as a parent are competing against the entire world for the hearts and minds of your children. If you create this sort of loving home, you and your values will win against the world every time. Because, if your children do not receive affirmation from you, or do not feel safe in their own home, this is when competing/contrary interests in the world can win. I should note, this does not mean a home devoid of responsibility or accountability.

Hole in one #2 is helping foster a great sense of curiosity in my kids. I am easily amused by many things, including bright shiny objects, pretty colors, and loud noises. In short, I find just about everything interesting in some way, and will then want to learn more about the things I find interesting. This has rubbed off on my kids, who also seem to have developed a natural curiosity about the world, and who are constantly also finding interesting things everywhere to learn about. They even read my National Geographic magazines when I'm done.

2) Mulligan - I've worked hard to keep my life in balance, and do also understand that despite our best efforts, our kids will turn out fine. However, if I do have one regret, it was not saving more for their education when I was younger. Financially we're doing fine, but I do worry about the cost of their post-secondary education. As we know, we live in a classless society, and opportunity is there for anyone. This being stated, the better off you are financially, the better opportunities you can make for your kids.

[Soloman1]

Well, good for you!

Having a child at your (young) age is commonplace for men where I live. It's also considered good for the child. You're more mature and thoughtful now compared to when you were younger, right? I think mid forties is the age when smart people who are going to make the leap to being wise usually do it.

I just got back from a Starbucks near the hotel I'm at in LA and there was no one over 30 working there. The cumulative volume of common sense of those five people couldn't fill a thimble.

When father time overtakes us, many folks look back and regret not doing something they wanted to do, such as learn the violin, spend more time with their family or see Paris. Not too many look back on their lives and sigh with regret that they didn't spend more time at the office . . .

Cheers and have fun!

[Kirasdad]

I just got back from a Starbucks near the hotel I'm at in LA and there was no one over 30 working there. The cumulative volume of common sense of those five people couldn't fill a thimble.
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Ouch! Yes (sigh) although we have good weather, we do seem to have quite a few doofuses (doofi?) as well. They mean no harm.

HC! Congratulations, that is truly wonderful news. I became a dad for the first time at 47, and I've I have been thrilled with the whole deal, no matter how tired I got. So, a big welcome to the older dads club.

Hmm...

1. I don't know if education fits into basic needs, but we put Kira into a progressive, forward thinking Waldorf school since she was a preschooler, now she's finished 4th grade (today!) and is on to the fifth. This school has been a hole in one on a 239 yard par three. They espouse a holistic approach with very limited media. The amount of TV and movies Kira has seen in her whole life some folks see in a week. I'm not kidding, and along with that she hasn't watched any commercials. She's well versed in the usual subjects, but can also play the viola, speak a smattering of Spanish and Japanese, paint and draw like a wizard, can garden and knows more plants than all of us put together.

2. Well she's only 10 so I haven't had time for any big regrets yet, but I am the breadwinner, and as such I am gone more than I'd like to be. So I try to be aware of that and spend as much time with her as I can when home. One thing I am working on: it's one thing to spend time with your kid, but it's quite another to pay ATTENTION and listen. We're all so busy and can get quite distracted. Just because we are together doesn't mean I am really there. I'm working on that.

Best wishes to you, and the mother of your upcoming new one. So for next year... Happy Father's Day!

[Sean2]

1. My father can go "f" himself.

2. The best moment I had as a father as it relates to golf was when my son was involved in a match, and called a penalty on himself, and he was the only one to witness it (the ball moved as he addressed it...he was on one side of the fairway, his competitor was on the other). To me, that was more important the a "bomb" off the tee, winning a tournament, or what have you.

Integrity is important to me and I thought that was a defining moment for him, because it was more than just about golf.

[scomac2002]

Interesting.

My father died when I was still a young man. I was too wrapped up in myself and rebellious to appreciate all that my father had to offer. I don't think that it really dawned on me until I watched literally hundreds of people line up to pay their respects at his funeral. I was lucky in that there were a handful of individuals who took me under their wing and were kind enough to impart their wisdom and guidance in later years.

I have very few memories of my father at this point in life with perhaps the most poignant being this then near 60 year old man jumping to his feet yelling out "That's my boy!" when I managed to shag a fly ball at a minor league baseball game when I was around 8. To this day, I still think of him periodically wondering what his advice might have been or how he would have responded to certain situations.

My own experiences were largely responsible for me deciding to sell our business when I was in my mid forties. I hadn't spent the time with our sons that I would have liked to and decided that it was time to do something about it before that time had passed. I spent the next few years as a hockey dad ferrying both boys all over the province (and into the northern states) as they played rep hockey. I was grateful to have been able to share those experiences; the trials, tribulations and triumphs with them.

As for regrets; I wish that I had been able to spend more quality time with my father. Likewise, now that our sons are grown, have their own careers and have moved away, I wish that I saw more of them than I do, but I'm grateful for the moments that we do get to spend together. I couldn't be prouder of them! How can I have any regrets?

[Kathy Marie]

Gentlemen,

I want to wish you all a very happy Father's Day.

Enjoy,

Kathy Marie

[birly-shirly]

Congratulations Holden!

I think that's all I'm going to add to this thread. With young kids of my own, I'm still very much in the trenches which should probably disqualify me from dishing out any words of wisdom, but not from wishing you and your wife the very best of luck.

As for your Mulligan - I think there are always two ways to look at the issue of hard-working parents. You can look at the time they have left to spend with their kids, or you can look at the example they set their kids.

You sound like you've learned some lessons from your own dad - even from the time that he didn't spend with you. I would say the same of myself and my father. There seems to be a genuine concern these days that children spend so much time with their parents that they aren't as resilient or resourceful as they might be. This isn't an argument for abandonment or neglect - just for balance. Most people my age have childhood memories of running fairly wild and unsupervised - to an extent that few kids from loving homes probably experience today.