Could Use A Laugh....

[JerseyBoy]

On my way to work today, I rear ended a car really badly.

 

Out jumps a midget, absolutely fuming. He says to me, "I am NOT HAPPY".

 

I ask him, "then which one are you?"

 

My day went downhill from there...

 

 

 

What's the difference between a Catfish and Lawyer?

 

One is a bottom dwelling scum sucker, the other one's a Fish.

[JerseyBoy]

Four older women are out for a buffet lunch. One gets up to go to the bathroom and the other three go get their food and sit down. They start chatting.

 

"Oh, my son is doing so well. He's a big shot lawyer now and is doing so well, he just bought himself a Private Jet."

 

"My son is the Chief of Surgery at his hospital now and just bought himself a Ferrari!"

 

"Well, don't you know. My son's business is doing so well that he just bought a beautiful villa in Spain."

 

By now the one that went to the bathroom had gotten her food, and joined her friends. She asks what they were talking about, so they tell her about their sons and ask her about hers.

 

"He just told us he's a Homosexual."

 

Her friends gasp.

 

"No, it's okay. He seems to be doing very well for himself. One of his boyfriends bought him a Ferrari. Another one flew him to Spain in a Private Jet where he's living in his other boyfriend's villa!"

[DavePelz4]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed Ole standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The old Norwegian had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside Ole, and said quietly, 'Good morning Ole.'

 

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, vat is dis?' The pastor said, 'Well, it's a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service. Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

 

Finally, Ole's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Vich service, da 8:30 or da 10:45?

[DavePelz4]

Ole and Lena decided to take a second honeymoon to beautiful Fargo, ND. Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo? "Just a minute," said the busy clerk. "Vell, said Lena, "dat is really fast."

[DavePelz4]

One day this Swede walked into town to do some shopping. On his way home his Norwegian neighbor saw him carrying a bag. He hurried out to greet him and asked what he had in his bag. The Swede replied chickens. The Norwegian asked how many he had. the Swede says if you can guess how many I have I will give you both of them. The Norwegian replied 3.

[Argonne69]

[thug the bunny]

Insults that don't require profanity:

 

- "As an outsider, what is your perspective on intelligence?"

 

- "Why play so hard to get when you're already so hard to want?"

 

- "You are the human equivalent of a participation award."

 

- "Whoever told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice."

 

- "I envy people who haven't met you."

 

- "I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain it to you."

 

- "You haven't been yourself lately. We've all noticed the improvement."

 

- "You couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the side."

 

I have to remember these. OMG, 'I envy people who haven't met you'!!!

[Reasonability]

Guy buys a pet bird and within days it stops eating. Takes it to the Vet who diagnoses a malformed beak that prevents opening up the mouth for proper eating habits. It's sort of overgrown and curled as can happen with very long human fingernails.

 

The Vet lets it be known it's going to cost $500 to perform the surgery, which amounts to carefully filing the beak down to normal size. Since the bird hadn't eaten for days it was important to go head with the surgery right away.

 

The owner says he can't afford that. Curiously the owner keeps asking the vet about HOW this surgery actually works. It becomes clear this guy is going to take the bird home and try working on the beak himself.

 

"You can't just file away on a bird's beak. You could crack the beak or file down too much which would render him unable to drink water. This is really not recommended at all." But the owner persists and leaves letting it be known he's going to give it a shot.

 

Days later the Vet bumps into the bird owner and asks how things turned out. The owner says the bird had sadly passed away despite all best efforts. The Vet asks if the beak cracked or if too much filing had left him unable to drink water. The owner replied, "Neither... He was dead when I took him out of the vice."

[DavePelz4]

In Canada, is it Chick fil Eh?

[Argonne69]

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.

[MattTheTaff]

I blew a speaker in my car on the way to work today.....

 

He was a motivational speaker.....

 

Left a nasty taste in my mouth but I do feel better about myself.

[Argonne69]

[thug the bunny]

I blew a speaker in my car on the way to work today.....

 

He was a motivational speaker.....

 

Left a nasty taste in my mouth but I do feel better about myself.

 

This is not the first time I have replied 'Eeeeew' to a MtT post. Matt, you could give the Diceman a run for his money...

[MattTheTaff]

I blew a speaker in my car on the way to work today.....

 

He was a motivational speaker.....

 

Left a nasty taste in my mouth but I do feel better about myself.

 

This is not the first time I have replied 'Eeeeew' to a MtT post. Matt, you could give the Diceman a run for his money...

 

"What's in the bowl, b**ch? Ooooooooohhhh"

[thug the bunny]

I blew a speaker in my car on the way to work today.....

 

He was a motivational speaker.....

 

Left a nasty taste in my mouth but I do feel better about myself.

 

This is not the first time I have replied 'Eeeeew' to a MtT post. Matt, you could give the Diceman a run for his money...

 

"What's in the bowl, b**ch? Ooooooooohhhh"

 

The Diceman was having fun with a couple in the audience.

 

"Hey is that your girlfreind?"

 

Guy nods.

 

"She's good looking, is she good in bed?"

 

Guy nods.

 

"So, how do you think she got that way? I can see the stretch marks on her mouth from here! Ooohhhh!"

[Jmx]

Love this thread lollll so troll

[Argonne69]

[Medic]

 

That is so wrong in so many ways. How can people complain about water being short and yet not take the opportunity to wash the shirt and the kid at the same time? I mean, not in a washer - that would be cruel and unusual as it were.

[Argonne69]

If you like funny commercials, there are some good ones here: http://www.adweek.com/creativity/20-of-the-worlds-funniest-ads-you-might-have-missed-this-year/#/

[Petunia Sprinkle]

Mrs. Sprinkle just said “it’s probably dangerous to drink Greg Norman wines.” “Why?” said I. “”Choking hazard.”

[DavePelz4]

Ole was recently recognized as the Minnesota Dairy Farmer of the Year. He was interviewed about his accomplishments and asked if he did all the work alone. Oly answered, "Oh I get a lot of help from udders."

[markjay1]

Haven't read the entire thread so apologies if this is a repeat:

 

A man's wife turns to him and asks: "If I die would you get remarried?"

 

He says: "What? Why are you asking me that? I don't want to talk about it."

 

Wife says: "Come on. If I die would you remarry?"

 

Husband thinks for a second and says: "Well, yes, I guess I would."

 

Wife says: "Would you sell the house?"

 

Husband: "Of course not! This is our house. I might remarry but I'd never sell the house."

 

Wife: "Would you sell the bed?"

 

Husband: "No, I'd never sell the bed."

 

Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

 

Husband: "Of course not! She's left-handed."

[Reasonability]

True story. A playing partner loves hopping out of the cart and fishing lost balls from virtually anywhere. He has an eagle eye and can pop in and out of the cart having spotted a freebie and off we go within seconds. Many an expensive and barely used golf ball have made their way into this guy's hands. He hasn't paid for new balls in years.

 

Noticed my bag was getting heavier as the season rolled along. Just getting it to/from the car was gradually getting harder and harder. Dumped the 60 degree wedge. Kept getting heavier. Dumped the alignment rods. Still got worse. Started up with resistance bands and watching the diet. No good. Got a physical to see if some wild degenerative disease was setting in. Nope - AOK medically.

 

Turns out - old eagle eye was keeping the Chrome Softs and Pro Vs. Any skankers were all making their way into little used pockets on my bag. When I cleaned out the bag I counted 70+ balls totally unfit for play. They'd been accumulating for probably two to three seasons.

 

Haven't figured out how just yet - but the payback on this one is going to be a beaut.

 

Not trying to thread-jack but... Any suggestions out there on getting even in a similarly sneaky way are welcome.

[Medic]

True story. A playing partner loves hopping out of the cart and fishing lost balls from virtually anywhere. He has an eagle eye and can pop in and out of the cart having spotted a freebie and off we go within seconds. Many an expensive and barely used golf ball have made their way into this guy's hands. He hasn't paid for new balls in years.

 

Noticed my bag was getting heavier as the season rolled along. Just getting it to/from the car was gradually getting harder and harder. Dumped the 60 degree wedge. Kept getting heavier. Dumped the alignment rods. Still got worse. Started up with resistance bands and watching the diet. No good. Got a physical to see if some wild degenerative disease was setting in. Nope - AOK medically.

 

Turns out - old eagle eye was keeping the Chrome Softs and Pro Vs. Any skankers were all making their way into little used pockets on my bag. When I cleaned out the bag I counted 70+ balls totally unfit for play. They'd been accumulating for probably two to three seasons.

 

Haven't figured out how just yet - but the payback on this one is going to be a beaut.

 

Not trying to thread-jack but... Any suggestions out there on getting even in a similarly sneaky way are welcome.

 

Not thread jacking at all - funny story!

 

As for the payback, go to a course a little ahead of time and plant a ball where he is likely to find it. But tape a rubber snake to it and hide the snake in the brush behind the ball out of sight. Make it to where he is more likely to reach for the ball with his hand as opposed to a retriever. He grabs the ball and pulls it towards himself and the snake come flying out right at him.

 

Just have an AED handy just in case. (not knowing his age or medical history, just thought it was a prudent suggestion)

[thug the bunny]

True story. A playing partner loves hopping out of the cart and fishing lost balls from virtually anywhere. He has an eagle eye and can pop in and out of the cart having spotted a freebie and off we go within seconds. Many an expensive and barely used golf ball have made their way into this guy's hands. He hasn't paid for new balls in years.

 

Noticed my bag was getting heavier as the season rolled along. Just getting it to/from the car was gradually getting harder and harder. Dumped the 60 degree wedge. Kept getting heavier. Dumped the alignment rods. Still got worse. Started up with resistance bands and watching the diet. No good. Got a physical to see if some wild degenerative disease was setting in. Nope - AOK medically.

 

Turns out - old eagle eye was keeping the Chrome Softs and Pro Vs. Any skankers were all making their way into little used pockets on my bag. When I cleaned out the bag I counted 70+ balls totally unfit for play. They'd been accumulating for probably two to three seasons.

 

Haven't figured out how just yet - but the payback on this one is going to be a beaut.

 

Not trying to thread-jack but... Any suggestions out there on getting even in a similarly sneaky way are welcome.

 

How about take those 70 skank balls and always have a few in your pocket so you can toss one at his target line just as he is getting ready to pull it back?

[Argonne69]

Ho, ho, ho.

 

Q: Why does Santa always come through the chimney?

 

A: Because he knows better than to try the back door.

[thug the bunny]

Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live

 

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/christmasjokes/christmasjokes.html

[DavePelz4]

Mrs. Pelz and I were watching the weather on TV one night last winter. The announcer said we're expecting 4-6 inches of snow overnight so make sure you park on the even number side of the street so the snowplow can get through. She went out and moved her car to the even number side of the street.

 

A couple of weeks later we were watching again and the announcer said we're expecting 6 inches of snow overnight so make sure you park on the odd number side of the street so the snowplow can get through. She went out and moved her car to the odd numbered side of the street.

 

The following week we were watching again, the weather announcer said we're expecting 2-4 inches of snow overnight so make sure you park....and then the cable went out.

 

Mrs. Pelz looked at me and said, "Oh great, what do I do now?" I said "Mrs. Pelz, why don't you just leave your car in the garage?"

[DavePelz4]

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stopped after 3 ho's.

[DavePelz4]

I wasn't going to get Mrs. Pelz mother anything for Christmas but then I heard about the Samsung phones with the exploding batteries.