Could Use A Laugh....

[DavePelz4]

Ole and Lena had a boy, Ole Junior, who came home from school one day. Ole Junior said, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm really Norvegian?" "No," said Ole, "It's because you're 15"

[Argonne69]

[DavePelz4]

What does Chick Fil A manager have in common with Jay Cutler?

 

Neither shows up to work on Sunday.

[MattTheTaff]

What the difference between a hooker and an onion?

 

I usually cry when I chop up an onion.

[Reasonability]

I want my ashes to float through amen corner. Since that requires being dead I'd be willing to sacrifice a kidney.

[bobfoster]

Jesus and St. Thomas decide to come down from heaven and play a round at TPC Sawgrass. They get to 17, and Jesus takes out a 9 iron. St. Thomas says that is way too little club. Jesus says he saw Tiger hit the shot. He hits it - it of course goes into the water. Jesus walks across the water, looking for his ball.

 

A guy in the clubhouse sees him doing this ... and says "who does this guy think he is, Jesus Christ"? Caddy says "no, he thinks he's freaking Tiger Woods".

[vjtexp]

Not funny, but love that feeling when the wives decide to plan an activity together...GOLF TIME, FELLAS

[Argonne69]

How not to lay out magazine ads.

 

[Argonne69]

Irony 101.

 

[Argonne69]

Whew. Dodged a bullet.

 

[Argonne69]

[thug the bunny]

Whew. Dodged a bullet.

 

 

The good old secret sauce. Proven throughout the ages.

[deetsal]

My original. What did one German test tube baby say to the other test tube baby when he was going out for a walk?

(In a German ascent)

 

I'll be back in a little vile.

[cardoustie]

Like the Duluth joke

 

I spent ages 8-18 in Burlington On .. right next to Hamilton (a massive steel town)

 

Jimmy is out with his girl, they are parked and making out hot and heavy

 

Gina whispers breathlessly "kiss me where it's smelly" so Jimmy fired up his Camaro and drove to Hamilton

[golfandfishing]

A young Apache Junction couple are making out in the woods and it starts to rain. The guy asks if she wants to go back inside or go all the way. She says go all the way big boy. Fella drops his shorts and says " is it in yet?" She says "I think it's in the mud. Here, I'll help you. Does that feel better?"

 

 

Eh, I think I'll put it back in the mud.

[thug the bunny]

A young Apache Junction couple are making out in the woods and it starts to rain. The guy asks if she wants to go back inside or go all the way. She says go all the way big boy. Fella drops his shorts and says " is it in yet?" She says "I think it's in the mud. Here, I'll help you. Does that feel better?"

 

 

Eh, I think I'll put it back in the mud.

 

I guess she already had 3 kids?

[CrabDaddy]

To commemorate VE Day, a decorated WW2 pilot, Sir Douglas Bader, was invited to talk at a British girls' prep school. His language was rather salty, and when he started telling the tale of one air battle over France, the Headmistress had to step in...

Sir Douglas: "As soon as we got to the French coastline, near LeHavre, we were surrounded by German planes. There were two f**kers to my left, three f**kers behind me, and another f**ker to my right."

Headmistress: "Ladies, a Fokker is a type of German airplane."

Sir Douglas: "That's true, madam, but these f**kers were in Messerschmitts!"

[CrabDaddy]

Edit: Decided it would offend Matt the Taff, which would certainly be grounds for dismissal.

[BENNYSUPREME]

I in no way condone violence!

 

Man walks in to the house after a day on the course. Walks up to the wife and slaps the mess out of her.

 

Wife says, What in the h@ll was that for?

 

Man say, I have been hitting everything fat all day, why stop now!

[Argonne69]

Heisenberg is speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over, and says, "Do you know how fast you were going back there?"

 

Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was".

[thug the bunny]

Edit: Decided it would offend Matt the Taff, which would certainly be grounds for dismissal.

 

The only posts that offend MtT are those that omit ball gags or other bondage situations.

[thug the bunny]

Heisenberg is speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over, and says, "Do you know how fast you were going back there?"

 

Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was".

 

Haha! Or he could have said, 'But officer, how do you know where I was? Oh, also, I think your radar gun killed my buddy's cat in my trunk.' I wonder how many here get this one. I'm going to use it on my dork scientist friends.

[Argonne69]

A photon is at the airport, and going through the security line. The TSA agent is a bit suspicious, and asks the photon, "No luggage"?"

 

The photon responds, "No. I'm traveling light".

[thug the bunny]

A photon is at the airport, and going through the security line. The TSA agent is a bit suspicious, and asks the photon, "No luggage"?"

 

The photon responds, "No. I'm traveling light".

 

Q: So what would happen if you x-rayed a photon?

 

A: Interference!

[RSinSG]

I heard this from a guy in my foursome yesterday. I bit hook line and sinker.

 

 

Him: Did you hear about the famous actress who just committed suicide? Her name was Reese... (pause)

 

Me: Witherspoon?

 

Him: No, with her knife.

[Argonne69]

[Argonne69]

The rainbow's end...

 

[markjay1]

Heisenberg is speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over, and says, "Do you know how fast you were going back there?"

 

Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was".

 

Haha! Or he could have said, 'But officer, how do you know where I was? Oh, also, I think your radar gun killed my buddy's cat in my trunk.' I wonder how many here get this one. I'm going to use it on my dork scientist friends.

 

So here's the full joke:

 

Heisenberg and Schrödinger are driving down the highway when a cop pull them over.

 

He goes to Heisenberg, who is driving, and says: "Do you know how fast you were going?"

 

Heisenberg says: "No, but I know where I am."

 

Cop says: "You were doing 80."

 

Heisenberg says: "Now I'm lost!"

 

The cop goes and opens the trunk and says: "Hey! Do you know you have a dead cat in here?"

 

Schrödinger says: "Now I do."

 

 

My SO is a biophysicist. This one cracks her up every time.

[Argonne69]

Breakfast of champions.

 

[Argonne69]

Insults that don't require profanity:

 

- "As an outsider, what is your perspective on intelligence?"

 

- "Why play so hard to get when you're already so hard to want?"

 

- "You are the human equivalent of a participation award."

 

- "Whoever told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice."

 

- "I envy people who haven't met you."

 

- "I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain it to you."

 

- "You haven't been yourself lately. We've all noticed the improvement."

 

- "You couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the side."