A Dark Evening A Long Long Time Ago....

[Forged4ever]

I have posted my share of threads on this board. Some where Fairways & Greens and others were Bunkers & Rough. The memories from a few made me laugh so hard that I cried and a few others just made me cry.

 

As I've said numerous times, this board has been my therapy and you Gals & Guys have been my shrinks. I normally take a compliment fine however whenever anybody pays me one on this board, I feel badly because I could never ever begin to repay you all for all of the smiles and laughs that you have brought me through some very very trying times.

 

However, something occurred in my life and as I learned to do starting as a child, and the more that I think about it, the more that I believe this incident started me on a lifetime of compartmentalizing that which is unpleasant. I developed an extremely short memory. Ultra-short.

 

I grew up in a time and in an environment where I was not to show disappointment unhappiness or hurt and I've often likened it to a missed read or missed tackle on the football field or a poor golf shot or missed putt on the golf course. If relevent I learned from it and then, whether it was or it was not relevent, I blocked it from my mind buried it deep and moved on.

 

As I've become more introspective over the past few years and thought about this incident more in the last few years than I did the prior 49+ years combined, I don't really see how I could have handled it any differently, as a 7yo child, though hind sight being what it is, I guess that I could have reached out to one of the adults in my life at the time, my Grandmother or step-Granddad, however nomatter how I look at it, this just was not done at the time. I do thank God thst it only occurred once, though I will say that this one time made a lasting impression and formed a large part of me and my behavior to this day.

 

Let me first say that I made Madison a promise that she would never again read about a part of my past for the first time here on the board again, and though it hasn't always been easy, I've kept that promise.

 

Until now....

 

I am sorry sweetheart. I believe that you know how much I Love Cherish and Adore You and your Children and if you look back over a few evenings across the last few weeks when your sensed that something was bothering me and I fell back on the always present tried and true behavior of hiding behind the cancer or the meds, though it was neither. I am sorry Sweetheart. I Love & Cherish you and your children more than life itself, and I know that I failed you here however talking about this is harder than I thought that it was going to be. I Pray that you understand.

 

WTF am I alluding to, most of you are thinking?

 

In 1967, at the age of 7yo, I was molested.

 

He was a babysitter. He lived up the street from my Grandparents and as best I can remember, was a sophomore or junior in HS. As I look back, and while the memories of that evening are vivid, memories of him, his personality and mannerisms are not. I do remember that he didn't like golf, thought it was stupid, and even then I loved football and he would say that I was probably going to "grow up" and be a "jerk" like all of the HS football players.

 

I guess he was probably a nerd though I knew nothing of this categorization at that age.

 

I remember that it was dark in my room when he entered. I remember that he sat on the edge of my bed, by my lower legs and initially put his hands on my thighs over the blanket. I remember he moved them under the blanket and started rubbing me, telling me that this was "part of growing up." He spoke in a very low voice, almost a whisper, even though we were the only two in the house.

 

I remember being confused and then scared but I also remember what my Grand Pap had taught me and spoken of constantly- to never ever show fear. Ever

 

So I stared at the ceiling.

 

I remember thinking that none of my buddies had ever spoken of this. My Grand Parents had never talked about this. I never really liked Erik. I remember he used to look at me and my buds with almost a disdain, though obviously I didn't know this word then. He was different. He was weird.

 

I remember looking up to my window and through the crack in the curtains I would always see the moonlight, though not this night. This night it was dark and pitch black.

 

I am not going beyond what I have stated here though I will say that he did not rape me, stopping just short and it did not ocurr again. I cried and threw a fit when my Grandmother told me the next time that he was babysitting. I just said that he was very mean to me and I was afraid of him. I also would not sleep in my bedroom again, telling my Grandmother that I had seen what looked to be shadows outside my window. She and my Grand Pap swapped my furniture with that in the guest bedroom. This us a later edit however I did not ever sleep in that bed again and though it stayed in my old bedroom, whenever my mother would come to visit, I talked her into sleeping in my bed in my new room, telling her that she was my mist special woman and I wanted her to sleep in my bed, which was basically a queen sized mattress. It was twice as large as my old mattress. That was cool, haha. I slept in the game room/den. I'm debating telling my Mother though I'm leaning towards not. Its done, it would serve no useful purpose and I just talked myself out of it, lol.

 

I have never ever told a soul of this.

 

I have often said that my anger as a teenager and into my 20's, my borderline psychotic behavior on a football field and my often irrational reaction to bullies were a result of losing my natural father at an early age.

 

That's bulls***....

 

It was because of that evening.

 

Like most kids, I was resilient. I didn't start wetting the bed, I didn't start acting out and I didn't do unto others as was done to me.

 

I went the other way-

 

I became the protector of others. When they were unable to say "no, stop" and fight back, I said "no, stop" and I fought back for them. I am not speaking to those who might have been abused because that usually stays a deep dark secret with most. No, as I aged, I looked at Erik as a bully who took advantage of a child. I made it my mission to stomp on bullies when ever and where ever I encountered them and a situation didn't ocurr where I did not think of Erik as I stood over the individual, and I wished that it was Erik laying beneath my boot.

 

Why do I bring this up now?

 

Because I mentor at risk youth, many of whom society has put away and thrown away the key. Yes, some are bad people to their core, and a few lack any normal human emotions and are totally incapable of trust, kindness and empathy.

 

However many others were abandoned by either one or both parents, basically left in a world of predators to be preyed upon.

 

Therapists, Counselors and Corrections Officers and many of these children and young boys often comment that my words speak to a tone and emotional level that is incredible for "never having experienced this." I have not been honest with them because I have never told them why this is.

 

I've debated telling them "why," however I have always defaulted and just said that it from reading and speaking to so many youth. I believe that a few suspected, I could see it in their eyes, the boys also, as I've had two ask me, however no-one ever pressed.

 

So I thought that I would play it out here and see how I felt. Its time that I was totally honest with these boys, because for many, it will be the first time in their lives, and I will be the first person in their lives who has been.

 

I tell them that there is nothing to be ashamed of. They were innocent children, preyed upon by the lowest forms of life in our society. But its not that easy for many.

 

I spoke to a 14yo boy last month who has molested 3 boys, ages 6-9yo, and when I asked why, through the tears he replied, "to make them feel the terror that I felt."

 

I have often thanked God that I was wired differently, thought differently and had great people around me and even though none knew, a great support system and I took another path.

 

I believe that I've delt with this as well as I could have and I do not believe that telling anyone would have made it any "easier" or "better" to deal with.

 

As I've said, I blocked it, I buried it and I lived my life. I've had so many more advantages that these kids that I speak to never even fantasized about that there would be no acceptable reason for me not to have achieved what I have, whatever level that is.

 

Is this the right path for someone else?

 

I don't know

 

That's such an personal individual issue, and it is up to the individual. It is all that I know and I have had a few boys ask me how they go about doing the same and I have and will gladly show them what I believe is the mental and psychological template, at least for me.

 

For me, therapy was not an option because as I've said before, another thing that I believe strongly is that if and when I turn to someone for advice or guidance, I need to believe in them 100% and I can only do that if they've "been there done that," regardless of the topic or subject matter. I have been like this since I was 15-16yo and I can thank My Granmother & Pete for this attitude, lmao. I have no regrets as it's served me well. Also, I've never met a shrink that was molested though I'm sure that they are out there.

 

I did not post this for responses as there is not much to say though if any of you have any questions, please feel free to ask. As I always have said, I will answer any and all questions.

 

This has taken me almost 12 hours to post because I would stop and thought about deleting, however this is part of me and if I'm going to go out there and try to help these boys, I've got to be totally honest with them and show them that they are not garbage, they can make it back and most importantly, they are not victims.

 

For me, I cannot use that word. There are too many true victims out there and I will never ever be able to think of myself as a victim. That ain't gonna happen!!

 

If this post helps anyone feel a better, so be it, and if you ever want to talk, feel free to message, e-mail or call me :)

 

Well, that's about it Gals & Gents

 

I've got chemo today and usually the night before I am a little melancholy but last night I felt great as I do this morning.

 

Boy, it sure feels good when ya clean out the closet and throw the s*** out, lol

 

Stay well My Friends :)

 

Fairways & Greens 4ever⛳

Richard

[nikegal]

Sweetheart, you didn't fail anyone! The girls and I will see you tonight. BTW, Richard lives in t's and vests, lolol. :) Love you, M

[DeNinny]

Get a room, you two!

 

Richard, that is some heavy baggage you just unloaded. My wife and I have talked about being molested and our experiences with it growing up and we concluded that we were LUCKY to NOT have any incident of being molested. We talked about the fact that there was a majority of friends and extended family that weren't so fortunate and had an experience of being molested (or raped). They are all forever changed from those experiences too. So I say if you need to purge and vent about it, knock yourself out!

[scomac2002]

Serious stuff that has lasting impact not only on the victims, but those close to the victims that were/are unaware of what has happened and as a result unable to do anything about it. All the best Richard and good luck going forward!

[mikkav]

My neighbours boy shot himself in the face 5 years ago , his mum gave an hour on the alter emploring his classmates to talk about anything, everything if they were bothered. Bravest Thing I've ever witnessed. And That includes my dad (who's spent 25 years driving relief aid in his own truck to kids in Belarus who've suffered from the Chernobyl disaster at his own expense.)

So well done Richard.

Well done

[augustgolf]

As I've told you before, Richard (and Maddie)....I feel like we are twins sons from different mothers. Your experiences, and your ability to verbalize/write feelings

that communicate what is in your mind. Maybe in another life, we will be 4-ball partners.

 

However, I want to commend you on facing your fears and putting it out there.

 

One of my best friends, a Certified (Certifiable???) Golf Course Superintendent was having a tough time, and I asked him repeatedly about what was bothering him.

 

In what had to be the hardest conversation that he had ever started, he told me about the molestation he encountered when he was young (12 +/-)

 

It was unfortunate that his went on for a while, and his parents did not believe him when he told him of this horrible action.

 

It was probably 0ver 30 years before he told me....I was the first person with whom he had ever discussed this. He told me that he felt that it was the reason that

he had been divorced 4 times; why he had a continual melancholy; and seemed to not have/keep friends for long.

 

When he was "finished" talking....I simply told him that none of that mattered to me regarding our friendship or professional relationship, and while I didn't

approve of what had occurred those many years ago, that the important thing was he was ready to reveal the truth to a person who cared about him as a friend, and

that said friendship wasn't going to be affected by the revelation. I told him that I loved him....as a friend and like a brother.

 

Death is not a good enough punishment for those who abuse others in a sexual context.

 

I admire you more for your facing the truth, and being unashamed to share it with those here that you trust.

 

Please know that I, for one, have the highest respect for you, and again, while you really don't know me, please feel free to PM me should you feel the need

to talk and/or discuss....well, anything!

 

Hope that treatments are going well, my friend.

 

Stay Strong!

[Mitchell]

Bro,

Definitely takes a great deal of courage to share such a personal experience.Another example of your strength of character and why so many, myself included, are proud to consider you a friend. Catch up to you a bit later.

[Halebopp]

I read the post earlier on today but I lacked words to reply and I still can't get anything in writing. I'm terribly sorry for you and I hope this will again help you to become a better man. Although I'm quite positive you've been a great man for a long time.

 

All the best to you and Maddie!