What players REALLY talk about in the locker room... guerilla marketing on tour

jons1 · August 10, 2020

Jay Monahan: Gentlemen, as usual we’ve scheduled this meeting to plan out our week. Any ideas?

Brooks: Guys, I'm thinking of just doing my usual media troll routine this week. What do you think?

Tiger: Whatever you guys want to do, but can someone PLEASE be the next Tiger Woods this week? I hear Red Lobster calling my name. Peace out.

Brooks: What's up with you DJ? Paulina throw your back out again?

DJ: Good one Brooksy. (long pause) Yes. Call me crazy, but I'm thinking about using the wrong yardage book this week?

Locker Room: (puzzled look)

JT: How is it even possible to use the wrong yardage book and get any yardages?

DJ: It's easy. Half the time I don't even know where I am anyways, so I think I can pull it off.

JT: OK, but it would be funnier if you shot the lowest round.

DJ: Consider it done. What day do we tee off?

Brooks: (shaking head) Dude, you're not going to out troll me. How about I talk a bunch of smack and say you've only won one major?

DJ: I won a major? How about you shoot the worst score in the field while you're at it, that way you look like a complete dbag

Brooks: You read my mind. I'm the king of dbag moves.

Reed: I haven't given up that crown just yet buddy. But I do like your style. Keep up the good work while I'm out of office... updating Outlook now.

Rory: But DJ has 3x more wins than you on tour? Isn't it too obvious you're trolling?

Brooks: Rory, you're a genius! Let's start a Twitter war, and you say that!

Rory: Sounds like a plan.

Brooks: Besides, it's not like you'll contend in a major this week... again...

Rory: HEY!

Bryson: (bursts in) Guys, I know you don't normally invite me to these meetings, but these protein shakes have me in the stalls so I kind of overheard. Can I get in on this?

Brooks: Dude, you're like a walking WTF all the time. You don't need extra help. Remember last week with that living to 140 years old stuff, not to mention that little stunt you pulled by leaning your fat a** on the shaft.

Bryson: Fine. I'm just going to hulk smash it like usual.

DJ: How does protein shake anyway?

Finau: Bryson, I can out drive you with a half swing. You want to go head to head?

Bryson: We all know that Tony. Give me a break. Sure. Let's get paired up so we can be a featured group.

Champ: Can I get in on that action?

Casey: Gentlemen. Anyone up for tea?

Brooks: Pauly!!! Wanna come close this time? I mean, me and the guys have been talking about it and I'm going to do the troll/choke routine and DJ will use the wrong yardage book.

Casey: Sounds excellent. Carry on gentlemen.

Ricky: Anyone want to dare me to miss a 1” putt? I’ll do it.

Brooks: Dude, you’re already a construction cone. You really need more attention? OK, $50 says you don’t do it.

Wolff: Guys, I can't believe they still can't spell my name. It's W-O-L-F-F. If I see 'Wolf' one more time on the tee sheet.

DJ: Casey, Wolff said he needs a sheet with the tea. Don’t ask me why... cause I don't know

Rahm: Stop complaining noobie. I'm the #1 player in the world and they still can't get my name right.

Brooks: Yeah, for what, like 5 minutes.

Rahm: I will hunt you down and...

Brooks: Take it easy. No reason to lose your temper.

Morikawa: Guys, I know I'm new here but I've been dreaming of this day my entire life, and would like your advice. And thanks again for letting me win this.

Brooks: No problem. The fans like it when we start talking about the next Tiger based on one win, and you're the perfect age for it. Worked with Spieth.

JT: Hey rookie, I got an idea for you to steal the spotlight. How about the ol' top of the trophy mishap?

Morikawa: Thanks. I'll try that.

Webb: Yeah, that ones a classic.

JT: FYI guys, I'm going to drop an F Bomb just to spice things up.

Jay Monahan: OK guys, everyone knows the plan this week? Way to think outside the box Ricky. You too DJ. Let's get out there and do this.

DJ: Wait, what are we doing?