Confessions 12 --- Exploding Heads

[TiScape]

On 5/12/2016 at 2:29 PM, MMB1500 said:

In B 4

This aged poorly 

 

🤣

[Petethreeput]

What a nice passage.  I am sorry to hear of your loss and I truly felt the I words you wrote.  Take care of yourself, and I concur, you did it all and that in itself is a testament to who you are as a person.

[Conrad1953]

On 3/3/2024 at 8:47 PM, mdgboxx said:

My Precious is gone

November 25, 2023

 

I was my wife's sole caregiver since 2006 (18 years)

The plan was to be her caregiver until I died. My mission was to set all the pieces where they should be in that complicated puzzle. My conviction was that I would prevent her from falling between the cracks when the System took charge. 

She was diagnosed with Diabetes in 2006. According to the Ophtalmologist who performed 15 laser surgeries in each eye, to stop the progression of blindness, that patient has been a diabetic for 10 and maybe 15 years. Some years later, he installed some permanent contact lenses.

Three months after the original diagnosis, she fell into a diabetic coma. At the hospital, they found that her brain was damaged, her heart was weaker and her kidney function was down to 30%. Then came, in that order: A neurologist, a neurosurgeon, a geriatric-psychiatrist and back to the neurologist.

A cardiologist, and a nephrologist were also added to the mix early on. Along with 14 specific medications.

In 2011, she started to spontaniously pass out. (Orthostatic Hypotension) That's when I had to take a tailormade course to be able to tend to her complex needs. I even had to learn how to give her injections for the treatment of anemia. I also had to learn how to detect a severe concussion. 

In late October 2021, at a scheduled appointent with the nephrologist, her kidney fuction was steady at 27%, he would not allow her leave the hospital unless she had an ECG and requested a Holter Test. As soon as he got the results, he phoned me and gave me 90 minutes to bring her to the ER. Her heart stopped in her sleep. November 1st, 2021 she had a pacemaker. A week later, at the normal follow-up, the cardiologist said that her orthostatic hypotension was now a thing of the past. (Not the same Cardiologist) I got very angry, but not at him. Not all general practice physicians are top notch. This could/should have been done some 7 - 10 years ago. I was angry at myself for not "insisting" that I hear the results of the MANY Holter Tests requested by her family doctor over the years. Guilt had become second nature to me.

Social Services offered me some time off by sending someone to our house for a few days. But my wife does not tolerate strangers unless I am there. Whenever the Social Worker (an angel) came to the house, I had to greet her outside and walk in ahead of her and introduce her to my Precious...Every single time. In 2019 my wife agreed to go to a temporary facility, and then Covid 19 hit. Oh well, maybe next year. After the confinement rules were relaxed, and after she went to sleep, I sneaked out for a brief walk on the bike path. On the way back, I knew where and how I would put an end to all of this. At first glance at her sleeping, that option came off the table. I was in it for the long run. In June 2023, I discovered that I couldn't drive at night because of cataracts. My second intervention was September 5th...Took care of that summer also. In the early 2010's I installed cameras all over the house, so I would not be in her face 24/7.

Fast forward to October 27, 2023. That morning, she was a little bit confused and unsteady. It was new to me. I called the ambulance. She was put on a stretcher, inside the ER. We waited 16 hours to see a doctor. I'm not complaining, the staff checked up on her at regular intervals. The ER was packed and it got worse at night. After reading her chart, the Urgentologist said: "Was her heart medication ever adjusted after the pacemaker?" We couldn't answer, so he admitted her and suggested that I went back home and get some sleep. He said to come back in the early afternoon. I was there at 2 PM, and the news came crashing down...Irrecoverable Encephalopathy, stage 4 Hepatic Cancer. Her liver was destroyded and the Oncologist strongly discouraged Chemo, because the risk of her dying a horrible death, in the first treatment, was extreme. By then she had weaken some and had difficulty interacting with the staff. They suggested boosting her system...I agreed. They installed an IV catheter in each wrist to which were connected two bags. Potassium and Magnesium on one side, and Calcium and Iron on the other for four days. After that they gave her Electrolytes and other concoctions. 

For close to two decades, I kept my emotions hidden from her. I was her rock. I couldn't risk her detecting a weakness.

When I learned that she was transfered to a Paliative Care Center, I lost it. She gently touched my arm and said: "It's OK" 

I immediately regained my composure. She was refused MAID, at the hospital, 1) Because of the Encephalopathy and 2) Because of the fact that she asked for it in her own words. "I want to go to sleep in my husband's arms where I am safe"

In her mind, death is associated with violence, as in Violent Death!

That request confirmed to the doctor that there was something wrong with her brain.

At the Paliative Care Center, two weeks went by and sher made the same request following a bad night. Since she was already denied MAID, she was offered Plan B. To put her in a Medically Induced Coma. She was also informed that there is no set time. The decision was hers alone. She looked at the doctor, then at me and said: "He's here, I want to go to sleep in my husband's arms where I am safe". The attending physician mandated two nurse's aids to move her slightly on her side, and pointed to me "That's where you belong" 

 One last "I love you", one last kiss, 30 minutes after the first injection, she was declared comatose. The Center kept bringing her three meals and a little something in the evening. (For me) I only left her side to eat and go to the bathroom. Some 20 hours later I touched her wedding band...Her thumb twitched. I summonded the nurse and my wife did the same to her.

I think your Lady wants to say, the time has come to give you back her wedding band. As soon as the nurse did that, my wife's breathing stabilized. Two hours later, Her heart stopped beating.

 

At my Local Caregiver Center, I would say: "It's not the gravity as much as the complexity of it all".

We had regular workshops. They would tell me that I needed to take better care of myself if I wanted to care for her.
My response was: "I have Torque"... Until I ran out of torque (Suicidal thoughts)

They said we are allowed mistakes, as long as we learn from them.

My response was: "A mistake is not an option. I am talking about life or death here"

 

I rid myself of that overbearing guilt.

I accepted that, Karate Black Belt or not, this time my opponent my was mightier than any human on the planet...Even ME!

This whole ordeal lasted 4 weeks + 1 day.

We talk about Diabetes like it is a common cold. It's far more dangerous than some of us could expect.

 

Rest in Peace my Precious

At 80 this next August, it shouldn't be too long before we are together again.

 

This old thread was receding into the past and I had long ago stopped following it. 

Then today I went to the 19th hole and it was near the top of the page.

 

And here was this post from you mdg. It brought back a flood of memories. I remember 

your Precious and I remember the many conversations we had about our wives and our

mutual love for our Ping S58 irons.

 

We shared a lot back in those days of the Confessions threads. 12 threads. We had to 

keep starting new ones because after enough pages went by the old GolfWRX system 

would slow to a crawl. 

 

I was saddened to learn of the passing of your Precious. I remember how you deeply

loved her and cared for her. Please accept my heartfelt condolences for your loss.

[Michael C.]

I'm sorry for your loss.  

 

Your precious knew love.  To be loved by you and have love for you. 

 

I'll pray for God to give you comfort  through your grief

[mdgboxx]

3 hours ago, Soloman1 said:

having lost my wife at 44-years old after 10 years up and down with cancer, i know there are no words.

 

during my time to process it, i went to some weekly grief workshops. it did help me to talk about it, but i was more of a listener. i had a sense that i was just sitting around waiting to die. my wife would not have wanted that.

 

in one session, a woman who broke down terribly every session was on the floor weeping and writhing. it was so sad. she was grieving her mother.

 

a new facilitator asked her how long ago her mother passed away. she said 7 years ago. that was my last session.

 

continued good wishes to you through this hardest time of your life.

 

Hello Soloman1,

 

There has always been a need for Assistance and Referal Centers. It's almost impossible to share our grief with someone who has a cousin who knows someone that has a friend living in the boondocks, and who died like a rodent in his basement.

My(?) Caregiver Center has two specefic groups. Caregivers and Former Caregivers. Formers however may attend meetings for a period not exceding three years after the passing of their Caree.

I've been a regular paying  member since 2008.($20) I had no other better place to go. A Social Worker(angel) was assigned to my wife. She explained that I was better off at the Center simply b/c I would get a better/quicker response if the Center  made a request. (Bureaucracy) She assured me that if push came to shove she would gladly get involved. She can declare a situation, an emergency, where the Center can't.

These Help Centers are classified Charitable Organisations.

My controversy with them is that they somtimes treat it as a Community Center. (Open to the public) The greater the number of members, the more generous is the Gov. grant. I get it! That is not the problem. A meeting is always limited in time. When the facilitator, who can tell they are outsiders as soon as they introduce themselves, will still allow them time to speak nonsence, robbing us all of valuable time to share, and even break down if need be. IMHO, a nurse's aid is a care provider, not necessarily a Caregiver, no more than a nurse or a doctor. It certainly isn't a  Outpatient Psychiatric Clinic. 

 

 

[mdgboxx]

1 minute ago, Michael C. said:

I'm sorry for your loss.  

 

Your precious knew love.  To be loved by you and have love for you. 

 

I'll pray for God to give you comfort  through your grief

Thank you Michael C,
Feels good to hear from you.

[mdgboxx]

On 3/5/2024 at 3:43 PM, Petethreeput said:

What a nice passage.  I am sorry to hear of your loss and I truly felt the I words you wrote.  Take care of yourself, and I concur, you did it all and that in itself is a testament to who you are as a person.

Thank you Petethreeput,

I picked someone up from the airport this last Saturday. On the drive back, I hit 80,000 km. (Almost 50,000 miles.)

My 2010 Toyota has yet to see a Golf Course Parking lot.

Reading you guys, while hiding behind my keyboard, I allow myself to sweat from my eyes.

Edited March 7 by mdgboxx

[mdgboxx]

9 hours ago, TiScape said:

This aged poorly 

 

🤣

I wonder if it would still be applied in Confessions 12 today.

[mdgboxx]

6 hours ago, Conrad1953 said:

 

This old thread was receding into the past and I had long ago stopped following it. 

Then today I went to the 19th hole and it was near the top of the page.

 

And here was this post from you mdg. It brought back a flood of memories. I remember 

your Precious and I remember the many conversations we had about our wives and our

mutual love for our Ping S58 irons.

 

We shared a lot back in those days of the Confessions threads. 12 threads. We had to 

keep starting new ones because after enough pages went by the old GolfWRX system 

would slow to a crawl. 

 

I was saddened to learn of the passing of your Precious. I remember how you deeply

loved her and cared for her. Please accept my heartfelt condolences for your loss.

Thank you Rad.

The S58's were tricked to S55 specs, regripped and put away. I put them into a shipping box, and they have not seen the light of day since 2012, when I preordered my set of i20's. It's been to the range a few times, except a one time quick 9.

I also preordered Ping Glide (54/60) and a Ping G20 in 2012. They all hit 10 balls each at the range. I bought them to force myself to get out of the house. Then, things got complicated.  

[Divot License]

On 3/4/2024 at 2:47 AM, mdgboxx said:

My Precious is gone

November 25, 2023

 

I was my wife's sole caregiver since 2006 (18 years)

The plan was to be her caregiver until I died. My mission was to set all the pieces where they should be in that complicated puzzle. My conviction was that I would prevent her from falling between the cracks when the System took charge. 

She was diagnosed with Diabetes in 2006. According to the Ophtalmologist who performed 15 laser surgeries in each eye, to stop the progression of blindness, that patient has been a diabetic for 10 and maybe 15 years. Some years later, he installed some permanent contact lenses.

Three months after the original diagnosis, she fell into a diabetic coma. At the hospital, they found that her brain was damaged, her heart was weaker and her kidney function was down to 30%. Then came, in that order: A neurologist, a neurosurgeon, a geriatric-psychiatrist and back to the neurologist.

A cardiologist, and a nephrologist were also added to the mix early on. Along with 14 specific medications.

In 2011, she started to spontaniously pass out. (Orthostatic Hypotension) That's when I had to take a tailormade course to be able to tend to her complex needs. I even had to learn how to give her injections for the treatment of anemia. I also had to learn how to detect a severe concussion. 

In late October 2021, at a scheduled appointent with the nephrologist, her kidney fuction was steady at 27%, he would not allow her leave the hospital unless she had an ECG and requested a Holter Test. As soon as he got the results, he phoned me and gave me 90 minutes to bring her to the ER. Her heart stopped in her sleep. November 1st, 2021 she had a pacemaker. A week later, at the normal follow-up, the cardiologist said that her orthostatic hypotension was now a thing of the past. (Not the same Cardiologist) I got very angry, but not at him. Not all general practice physicians are top notch. This could/should have been done some 7 - 10 years ago. I was angry at myself for not "insisting" that I hear the results of the MANY Holter Tests requested by her family doctor over the years. Guilt had become second nature to me.

Social Services offered me some time off by sending someone to our house for a few days. But my wife does not tolerate strangers unless I am there. Whenever the Social Worker (an angel) came to the house, I had to greet her outside and walk in ahead of her and introduce her to my Precious...Every single time. In 2019 my wife agreed to go to a temporary facility, and then Covid 19 hit. Oh well, maybe next year. After the confinement rules were relaxed, and after she went to sleep, I sneaked out for a brief walk on the bike path. On the way back, I knew where and how I would put an end to all of this. At first glance at her sleeping, that option came off the table. I was in it for the long run. In June 2023, I discovered that I couldn't drive at night because of cataracts. My second intervention was September 5th...Took care of that summer also. In the early 2010's I installed cameras all over the house, so I would not be in her face 24/7.

Fast forward to October 27, 2023. That morning, she was a little bit confused and unsteady. It was new to me. I called the ambulance. She was put on a stretcher, inside the ER. We waited 16 hours to see a doctor. I'm not complaining, the staff checked up on her at regular intervals. The ER was packed and it got worse at night. After reading her chart, the Urgentologist said: "Was her heart medication ever adjusted after the pacemaker?" We couldn't answer, so he admitted her and suggested that I went back home and get some sleep. He said to come back in the early afternoon. I was there at 2 PM, and the news came crashing down...Irrecoverable Encephalopathy, stage 4 Hepatic Cancer. Her liver was destroyded and the Oncologist strongly discouraged Chemo, because the risk of her dying a horrible death, in the first treatment, was extreme. By then she had weaken some and had difficulty interacting with the staff. They suggested boosting her system...I agreed. They installed an IV catheter in each wrist to which were connected two bags. Potassium and Magnesium on one side, and Calcium and Iron on the other for four days. After that they gave her Electrolytes and other concoctions. 

For close to two decades, I kept my emotions hidden from her. I was her rock. I couldn't risk her detecting a weakness.

When I learned that she was transfered to a Paliative Care Center, I lost it. She gently touched my arm and said: "It's OK" 

I immediately regained my composure. She was refused MAID, at the hospital, 1) Because of the Encephalopathy and 2) Because of the fact that she asked for it in her own words. "I want to go to sleep in my husband's arms where I am safe"

In her mind, death is associated with violence, as in Violent Death!

That request confirmed to the doctor that there was something wrong with her brain.

At the Paliative Care Center, two weeks went by and sher made the same request following a bad night. Since she was already denied MAID, she was offered Plan B. To put her in a Medically Induced Coma. She was also informed that there is no set time. The decision was hers alone. She looked at the doctor, then at me and said: "He's here, I want to go to sleep in my husband's arms where I am safe". The attending physician mandated two nurse's aids to move her slightly on her side, and pointed to me "That's where you belong" 

 One last "I love you", one last kiss, 30 minutes after the first injection, she was declared comatose. The Center kept bringing her three meals and a little something in the evening. (For me) I only left her side to eat and go to the bathroom. Some 20 hours later I touched her wedding band...Her thumb twitched. I summonded the nurse and my wife did the same to her.

I think your Lady wants to say, the time has come to give you back her wedding band. As soon as the nurse did that, my wife's breathing stabilized. Two hours later, Her heart stopped beating.

 

At my Local Caregiver Center, I would say: "It's not the gravity as much as the complexity of it all".

We had regular workshops. They would tell me that I needed to take better care of myself if I wanted to care for her.
My response was: "I have Torque"... Until I ran out of torque (Suicidal thoughts)

They said we are allowed mistakes, as long as we learn from them.

My response was: "A mistake is not an option. I am talking about life or death here"

 

I rid myself of that overbearing guilt.

I accepted that, Karate Black Belt or not, this time my opponent my was mightier than any human on the planet...Even ME!

This whole ordeal lasted 4 weeks + 1 day.

We talk about Diabetes like it is a common cold. It's far more dangerous than some of us could expect.

 

Rest in Peace my Precious

At 80 this next August, it shouldn't be too long before we are together again.

This is without doubt the saddest but most heart warming and inspiring thing I have read/heard in months. 

 

It's heart wrenching to read the things both you and your wife went through, far more than any couple deserve but it's inspiring and heart-warming to read of how your love for each other carried your through it all and helped you both deal with the circumstances you found yourselves in. 

 

My deepest condolences to you @mdgboxx and know you have friends here will to listen.

[mdgboxx]

6 hours ago, Divot License said:

This is without doubt the saddest but most heart warming and inspiring thing I have read/heard in months. 

 

It's heart wrenching to read the things both you and your wife went through, far more than any couple deserve but it's inspiring and heart-warming to read of how your love for each other carried your through it all and helped you both deal with the circumstances you found yourselves in. 

 

My deepest condolences to you @mdgboxx and know you have friends here will to listen.

Thank you Divot License, I appreciate it.

 

[mdgboxx]

He is a little older than I. He is also not well.

Anyone have news from tol?

[Divot License]

On 3/6/2024 at 2:45 PM, mdgboxx said:

He is a little older than I. He is also not well.

Anyone have news from tol?

If you are talking about @tolmij he hangs out in the clubhouse grille. 

[mdgboxx]

5 hours ago, Divot License said:

If you are talking about @tolmij he hangs out in the clubhouse grille. 

I am, and I have not seen him on there in a long time.