Coaching youth sports

[mtgrizinmn]

So I have been a volunteer soccer coach, both head and assistant, for our local youth soccer association for several years. I played through high school and into college.

 

Recently I have been helping with my youngest daughters team and there is one girl who is consistently 1/2 hour late to a one hour practice, doesn't want to listen, refuses to pass the ball, and just has a bad attitude. At a recent practice I was trying to work with her and was trying to show her the proper way to position herself to pass the ball and the correct mechanics. After working with her and letting her go for awhile I circled back and had her show me what she learned. She still was not doing it correctly and was actually just kicking the ball onto the other field. I asked her to go get it and come back and try a little harder.

 

Now I feel I need to give a little background on this girl. She is the daughter of a know drug dealer who is currently in prison for a long time. Her mother was also arrested on felony gun charges, but is allowed to be out because they have three to five children together. The daughter anytime any coach tries to correct a behavior she begins to cry and pouts on the field. She refuses to come out of games when we try to sub her, is out of position, and will willing take the ball away from teammates. Her mother waited until two weeks before the first game to order her uniforms, which require special order and printing, even though they were available to be ordered starting in February.

 

So I show up to practice yesterday, the first since last Thursday, and was told that I was not allowed to work with this girl or correct and skills that she was doing incorrectly. Her mother had complained to our association and the coach that I was hard on her and she didn't deserve it. I was only allowed to tell her she's doing a good.

 

So my question is what the hell is going on with the world? Are people now so sensitive that we cannot correct behavior and try to teach these kids? Am I just supposed to show up roll a ball out and let them play for an hour?

 

Sorry for the rant, but this is just insanity to me.

[tocino]

So I have been a volunteer soccer coach, both head and assistant, for our local youth soccer association for several years. I played through high school and into college.

 

Recently I have been helping with my youngest daughters team and there is one girl who is consistently 1/2 hour late to a one hour practice, doesn't want to listen, refuses to pass the ball, and just has a bad attitude. At a recent practice I was trying to work with her and was trying to show her the proper way to position herself to pass the ball and the correct mechanics. After working with her and letting her go for awhile I circled back and had her show me what she learned. She still was not doing it correctly and was actually just kicking the ball onto the other field. I asked her to go get it and come back and try a little harder.

 

Now I feel I need to give a little background on this girl. She is the daughter of a know drug dealer who is currently in prison for a long time. Her mother was also arrested on felony gun charges, but is allowed to be out because they have three to five children together. The daughter anytime any coach tries to correct a behavior she begins to cry and pouts on the field. She refuses to come out of games when we try to sub her, is out of position, and will willing take the ball away from teammates. Her mother waited until two weeks before the first game to order her uniforms, which require special order and printing, even though they were available to be ordered starting in February.

 

So I show up to practice yesterday, the first since last Thursday, and was told that I was not allowed to work with this girl or correct and skills that she was doing incorrectly. Her mother had complained to our association and the coach that I was hard on her and she didn't deserve it. I was only allowed to tell her she's doing a good.

 

So my question is what the hell is going on with the world? Are people now so sensitive that we cannot correct behavior and try to teach these kids? Am I just supposed to show up roll a ball out and let them play for an hour?

 

Sorry for the rant, but this is just insanity to me.

 

Yes, the world is way too sensitive. I hate the whole participation medal crap that gets floated around today. It's ok when kids are younger but at a certain age all it does is coddle them. Not everyone in this world is going to succeed and that's "ok". In fact you're better off learning what failure feels like early in life rather than later. IF you don't, how are you going to be able to know or figure out how to pick yourself up and keep trying till you succeed or move on? That's not to say that I'm the type of parent that preaches the "2nd place is the 1st loser" lesson. I've seen my older kids finish 2nd or worse in music competitions and sports but that never stopped them from trying to get better, practicing, and most importantly... not quitting.

[GHIN n Juice]

I’ve coached youth baseball, basketball, and soccer and the one thing that always seems to work is peer pressure. She messes up, the team runs. She pouts, the team runs. She doesn’t listen, the team runs. And not just one lap, but get them all dead tired. Eventually the other kids will take control over the situation. Either she’ll fall in line or she’ll quit.

[MtlJeff]

I find it amazing that with everything we know about psychology we still think this is a productive way to teach.

 

You don't have to be the Sensei from Karate Kid here....but telling people they are always right and can't do anything wrong and have nothing to improve, and just do what they want etc etc...

 

You end up with a bunch of adults who can't manage their own lives. They've never faced consequences or had to overcome anything. They don't understand working towards achieving something

 

I've seen this first hand...

 

I'm with you OP

[mtgrizinmn]

I've coached youth baseball, basketball, and soccer and the one thing that always seems to work is peer pressure. She messes up, the team runs. She pouts, the team runs. She doesn't listen, the team runs. And not just one lap, but get them all dead tired. Eventually the other kids will take control over the situation. Either she'll fall in line or she'll quit.

 

Oh we're not allowed to have them run, that's considered punishment. We were told at the beginning of the season, "no lines, no lectures, no laps." It appears to me that youth sports seems to be a money grab with no real intent to teach kids anything.

[Petethreeput]

I coached soccer for 20 yrs. not dissimilar from OP I played through college myself.

 

Let’s say the girl is 10. From your description, she has, for 10 yrs, never been properly socialized. There’s a decent chance her mother is still doing drugs and is not particularly interested in her daughter, but more interested in herself. The mom probably doesn’t play with her, read to her, talk to her. As an addict she probably sleeps and yells at the kids.

 

She probably is constantly on edge bc all the kids know she’s poor. She is probably behind in school and her peers know it. And she knows they know it. She controls nothing in her life, and she knows it. She probably looks forward to going to practice not bc she loves soccer, but bc she hates her life at home.

 

The mother stopped maturing when she started using drugs. She has no time for her kids, and if it keeps from the bar, she resents the kids so of course she is going to blame someone else. And for volunteering, it’s you. No good deed goes unpunished.

 

She does what she wants bc it is the only thing she controls. She is confrontational bc that is the only way for her to be noticed, bad attention is better than no attention and much easier to get than excelling. The mother’s response is wrong... no doubt,

 

Every kid is met at different levels. She doesn’t need a coach, she needs a mentor who is willing to show you care. At that point, how do you show it depends completely on the kid. She won’t ever be a star, but this isn’t about soccer and we both know it. So to be a great coach, try to coax out soccer while only focusing on the girl, not the player.

 

Typed on phone so forgive typos pls.

 

(This sounds preachy, and I don’t want it to sound that way, if it’s taken that way, please know it isn’t intended)

[Reasonability]

That young lady - at this particular juncture in her life has no chance of giving you what you want. ZERO. That is assuming you're expecting her to respond like the rest of the team.

 

Doesn't matter if your intent is in her own best interest and the interest of the team or not.

 

At this point none of it remotely registers with her. For starters the idea of "team".... That's a concept to her. She's never seen what that looks like. Ladle on top of that what "discipline" and "routines" most likely look like in her world. It's not relatable to her. She hasn't experienced that sense of being part of something that's going forward, where people sacrifice and dump the tanks to be part of something bigger than themselves. She doesn't "get it" having never gotten it in the first place.

 

Coached youth for years. Ages from barely able to dress themselves in a uniform to the time they graduated from HS. Loved it - every single second of it.

 

When a kid's home life is a train wreck they are simply not going to respond like most others will. They don't know how to. A family is a "team", too. Death, divorce, and all sorts of stories impact a kid's frame of reference in many cases. But if there's some sense of sticking together through thick and thin and sensing hope, and exposure to notions like responsibility and caring - there's going to be at least some sense of how to be coached and a teammate. When those key elements are all jacked up for a kid - your job as a coach just became very complicated.

 

It comes with the coaching territory sometimes. That kid is facing problems you and I can't begin to imagine. She'll emerge from it all eventually either more capable and stronger than anyone could have imagined, or her entire life will spiral in terrible ways as she follows her mom and dad's footsteps.

 

Notice I'm talking to you about the KID and not the parents? Just trying to share from one coach to another here. The KID is the focus, and not the adults. The adults will drive you nuts as a coach far more often than any youngster will. If you can keep the focus on the kids, coaching will be rewarding. Memories of a lifetime will be made. It's about the kids and this time you're challenged to coach one that has no idea about being coached - or on a team. She's clueless on these fronts. She only knows she's not like other kids. And most likely she's ill equipped to even know what to do about it.

 

She MIGHT respond if you can find the time and energy to unlock something inside of her. Striving to perform just a little better today than yesterday, having fun while working hard, experiencing growth from her mistakes, yadda yadda. MAYBE. But it's going to take all you can muster as a coach to reach down deep in her persona and find what can be grown and inspired..

 

Welcome to coaching. It's not the kids that pose the challenge. They sail right through the drills, wins, and losses. 99% respond to GOOD coaching. The challenge is always the adults.

 

Will keep a good thought for that kid - and for you in hopes you can find the way to reach into her soul and inspire. If you can't - don't beat yourself up over it too much. That, IMHO is the toughest part of coaching. Not being able to inspire and grow a kid - to a true coach - is far worse than losing any game - light years worse. Successfully advancing a young soul as an individual and an athlete - equally light years better than any win.

 

From one coach to another. Hope it's all taken in that spirit.

[GHIN n Juice]

I've coached youth baseball, basketball, and soccer and the one thing that always seems to work is peer pressure. She messes up, the team runs. She pouts, the team runs. She doesn't listen, the team runs. And not just one lap, but get them all dead tired. Eventually the other kids will take control over the situation. Either she'll fall in line or she'll quit.

 

Oh we're not allowed to have them run, that's considered punishment. We were told at the beginning of the season, "no lines, no lectures, no laps." It appears to me that youth sports seems to be a money grab with no real intent to team kids anything.

 

That’s ridiculous! I’m glad that philosophy hasn’t made it to my area.

[Petethreeput]

That young lady - at this particular juncture in her life has no chance of giving you what you want. ZERO. That is assuming you're expecting her to respond like the rest of the team.

 

Doesn't matter if your intent is in her own best interest and the interest of the team or not.

 

At this point none of it remotely registers with her. For starters the idea of "team".... That's a concept to her. She's never seen what that looks like. Ladle on top of that what "discipline" and "routines" most likely look like in her world. It's not relatable to her. She hasn't experienced that sense of being part of something that's going forward, where people sacrifice and dump the tanks to be part of something bigger than themselves. She doesn't "get it" having never gotten it in the first place.

 

Coached youth for years. Ages from barely able to dress themselves in a uniform to the time they graduated from HS. Loved it - every single second of it.

 

When a kid's home life is a train wreck they are simply not going to respond like most others will. They don't know how to. A family is a "team", too. Death, divorce, and all sorts of stories impact a kid's frame of reference in many cases. But if there's some sense of sticking together through thick and thin and sensing hope, and exposure to notions like responsibility and caring - there's going to be at least some sense of how to be coached and a teammate. When those key elements are all jacked up for a kid - your job as a coach just became very complicated.

 

It comes with the coaching territory sometimes. That kid is facing problems you and I can't begin to imagine. She'll emerge from it all eventually either more capable and stronger than anyone could have imagined, or her entire life will spiral in terrible ways as she follows her mom and dad's footsteps.

 

Notice I'm talking to you about the KID and not the parents? Just trying to share from one coach to another here. The KID is the focus, and not the adults. The adults will drive you nuts as a coach far more often than any youngster will. If you can keep the focus on the kids, coaching will be rewarding. Memories of a lifetime will be made. It's about the kids and this time you're challenged to coach one that has no idea about being coached - or on a team. She's clueless on these fronts. She only knows she's not like other kids. And most likely she's ill equipped to even know what to do about it.

 

She MIGHT respond if you can find the time and energy to unlock something inside of her. Striving to perform just a little better today than yesterday, having fun while working hard, experiencing growth from her mistakes, yadda yadda. MAYBE. But it's going to take all you can muster as a coach to reach down deep in her persona and find what can be grown and inspired..

 

Welcome to coaching. It's not the kids that pose the challenge. They sail right through the drills, wins, and losses. 99% respond to GOOD coaching. The challenge is always the adults.

 

Will keep a good thought for that kid - and for you in hopes you can find the way to reach into her soul and inspire. If you can't - don't beat yourself up over it too much. That, IMHO is the toughest part of coaching. Not being able to inspire and grow a kid - to a true coach - is far worse than losing any game - light years worse. Successfully advancing a young soul as an individual and an athlete - equally light years better than any win.

 

From one coach to another. Hope it's all taken in that spirit.

 

Stated much more eloquently than I, but I agree with all of this.

Working in the schools for a while, I was amazed at the toughness some kids showed. Just by showing up to school in the face of hunger, sleeping in cars, or no bathing/bathroom facilities, I personally probably would not have shown up in those circumstances.

I touched on the most obvious outward signs of the struggle, but some kids do grow up in ways I could not fathom.

Kids are incredibly resilient, and I definitely had kids like this on teams I coached (aged 5 through HS as well). I made a lot of mistakes trying to reach them, and some I never did reach, Like you, not reaching those children in a meaningful way were my biggest failures, not losing state Championships or Regional tournament games.

I look back on my coaching days with fondness. I love when past players stop me in the street to tell me what they are doing as adults. I remember the good times, but this post reminded me of those kids whom I couldn't reach.

[deadsolid...shank]

I was lucky (somewhat) in my coaching experience. When I was doing youth stuff, we always had several "coaches" for each team. I was lucky enough to almost always have my wife helping. As a very experienced child development person she usually had a pretty good idea how to deal with a situation like this one. And unfortunately, there always was one.

 

I may be a little jaded, but I was never so happy as when I was done coaching youth sports.

 

Give me dealing with the parents at the middle school, high school and junior college level any day over some of the kids stuff. And my youngest is 26, so I've been out of it for a while, I'm sure it's gotten progressively worse.

[tatertot]

So I have been a volunteer soccer coach, both head and assistant, for our local youth soccer association for several years. I played through high school and into college.

 

Recently I have been helping with my youngest daughters team and there is one girl who is consistently 1/2 hour late to a one hour practice, doesn't want to listen, refuses to pass the ball, and just has a bad attitude. At a recent practice I was trying to work with her and was trying to show her the proper way to position herself to pass the ball and the correct mechanics. After working with her and letting her go for awhile I circled back and had her show me what she learned. She still was not doing it correctly and was actually just kicking the ball onto the other field. I asked her to go get it and come back and try a little harder.

 

Now I feel I need to give a little background on this girl. She is the daughter of a know drug dealer who is currently in prison for a long time. Her mother was also arrested on felony gun charges, but is allowed to be out because they have three to five children together. The daughter anytime any coach tries to correct a behavior she begins to cry and pouts on the field. She refuses to come out of games when we try to sub her, is out of position, and will willing take the ball away from teammates. Her mother waited until two weeks before the first game to order her uniforms, which require special order and printing, even though they were available to be ordered starting in February.

 

So I show up to practice yesterday, the first since last Thursday, and was told that I was not allowed to work with this girl or correct and skills that she was doing incorrectly. Her mother had complained to our association and the coach that I was hard on her and she didn't deserve it. I was only allowed to tell her she's doing a good.

 

So my question is what the hell is going on with the world? Are people now so sensitive that we cannot correct behavior and try to teach these kids? Am I just supposed to show up roll a ball out and let them play for an hour?

 

Sorry for the rant, but this is just insanity to me.

 

Sounds like something that needs to be addressed with your clubs director of coaching. This is effecting the entire team and goes well beyond Xs and Os and winning and losing, this is impacting the other childrens' enjoyment and ability to learn.

[highergr0und]

Coaching youth sports is TOUGH! My kids 8U baseball team had a kids dad remove him from the team because our coach yelled at the kid to hustle and listen as he was running bases sloppy during a game. The kicker was the kid didn't cry or anything, and every kid gets a little earful if they don't hustle. He was the worst kid on the team, improving a ton, having fun, and his dad thought coach was over the top, made a huge scene on the field and after the game, never brought him back, and emailed all the league guys. Again, kid didn't care..

 

I keep coaching because if folks don't sports will die. I feel bad seeing kids on the field with little discipline and parents with their faces buried in their phone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Noles]

So I have been a volunteer soccer coach, both head and assistant, for our local youth soccer association for several years. I played through high school and into college.

 

Recently I have been helping with my youngest daughters team and there is one girl who is consistently 1/2 hour late to a one hour practice, doesn't want to listen, refuses to pass the ball, and just has a bad attitude. At a recent practice I was trying to work with her and was trying to show her the proper way to position herself to pass the ball and the correct mechanics. After working with her and letting her go for awhile I circled back and had her show me what she learned. She still was not doing it correctly and was actually just kicking the ball onto the other field. I asked her to go get it and come back and try a little harder.

 

Now I feel I need to give a little background on this girl. She is the daughter of a know drug dealer who is currently in prison for a long time. Her mother was also arrested on felony gun charges, but is allowed to be out because they have three to five children together. The daughter anytime any coach tries to correct a behavior she begins to cry and pouts on the field. She refuses to come out of games when we try to sub her, is out of position, and will willing take the ball away from teammates. Her mother waited until two weeks before the first game to order her uniforms, which require special order and printing, even though they were available to be ordered starting in February.

 

So I show up to practice yesterday, the first since last Thursday, and was told that I was not allowed to work with this girl or correct and skills that she was doing incorrectly. Her mother had complained to our association and the coach that I was hard on her and she didn't deserve it. I was only allowed to tell her she's doing a good.

 

So my question is what the hell is going on with the world? Are people now so sensitive that we cannot correct behavior and try to teach these kids? Am I just supposed to show up roll a ball out and let them play for an hour?

 

Sorry for the rant, but this is just insanity to me.

I would tell the association that they just lost a coach.