My buddy wants to quit...

[ericz]

9 minutes ago, MelloYello said:

It sounds a bit like you regret taking that time away and that's how I think my buddy would feel. He's too capable to just give up. But it's no longer fun, at least not at this particular moment. From my perspective he just needs to grind through it.

 

I think you're projecting your own golf values/goals onto him. He's not going to change no matter how much you want him to. People have to decide they want to change on their own, otherwise he may grow to resent you if it's forced upon him. Sounds like it's just time to move on from him as a playing partner. It happens. 

Edited July 18, 2023 by ericz
typos

[Bye]

41 minutes ago, North Butte said:

I've played with quite a few people like that over the years (not regularly but once in a while) and their goal is pretty much to hit the crap out of the ball and a few times in a round amaze themselves with a totally awesome shot.

 

Those goals are not really compatible with a competitive group treating every double bogey or three-putt as a crime against humanity!

 

You just have to let them get on with it and just remember the other dozens of terrible shots they have hit.

 

3 putts and doubles are not that serous, but chipping and 3 putting for a double must be getting close

 

 

 

[MelloYello]

53 minutes ago, dfeldss said:

I'd be very weirded out if i find out my friend wrote this about me. Not cool that he gets mad and brings down the vibe sometimes, but get off your high horse.

 

If he's truly a good friend tell him to start practicing to get better (and he probably doesn't want to hear instruction from you - so point him to a coach), or learn to manage expectations and just have fun being out there if he doesn't want to practice. If he doesn't do either just stop playing with him.

 

If he's just a guy you play with sometimes just stop playing with him. 

 

LOL, I don't think I'm on a high horse here. 

 

He's bringing down the vibe with a bad attitude and I'm spending my hours trying to be supportive and yes, I'm recommending he see a coach over and over. 

 

Turning your back on people (especially friends) isn't always the answer. This guy isn't just a "playing partner" and TBH, I don't like the attitude that someone is just that and nothing else. You should care about people. 

 

Maybe there is no answer here for him, but I certainly want to hear others' perspectives. You can see several people have chimed in. 

[RayGorman]

I think we ALL have/had or know someone who fits this profile to varying degrees. 

 

I have one buddy who was basically a plugged volcano who could erupt at any moment due to his play. It was not a pretty sight, until I told him if he did it again, I would never play with him again. If he doesn't play with our little 3/4 some he will not play. He won't go out as a solo at all, mostly because of his game and anger issues. Then one day- he erupted after chili-dipping 3 straight chips. Helicoptered his wedge and nearly took my head off. I went to the cart, took my bag off and started to head back to the clubhouse. And he was cursing ME out for being a p***y. "I told you- do it again and we're done playing". The other guy talked him down and told him what a d**k he was being, especially when he was told what would happen. As I was heading back, I could hear the cart coming up behind me and I stopped as he was being really, really apologetic. (we were lucky we were playing mid week and the course was fairly empty) "I got carried away and I couldn't help my self, blah, blah, really sorry...etc... never happen again... and so on..."

 

I took a deep breath and kind of let him have it- 

 

"Look- you said that it would never happen again the LAST time when I said I was done if you kept it up. You aren't GOOD ENOUGH to get that angry over any shot you screw up. You NEVER practice, or take a moment to think about what you're doing."

 

"... I go to the range!"

 

"No- you go to the range, take out a Driver to hit 100 balls and try and figure out how far left you need to aim to end up 10 yards right. that's not practice."

 

Whatever was said, I finished off the round with them and he behaved himself. Since then, he has mellowed 'a bit', but can still yell at himself, but doesn't throw a tantrum like before. I found that humor will cut off his anger and he knows it. He still doesn't EVER practice other than just whacking Driver, and can still chili dip with the worst of them, but he knows that is part of his game and he's accepted it. We just came back from a 3 day trip and he was all over the shop and probably played worse than I can remember. But he never went ballistic- just the normal muttering and cursing himself out. Just getting out with friends to relax did wonders for the temperament, as well as actually hitting a fairway once in awhile and making a long putt or two over the 3 days. And knowing I have no qualms about walking away if he acts up, keeps him in line.

[Bye]

4 minutes ago, MelloYello said:

 

I appreciate it.

 

He does keep a handicap which is normally around 10-12 but it's going up obviously. 

 

I want him to keep playing. I'm good friends with him. We've worked together in the past. We sometimes hang out. We'll go to the bar. We'll lend a hand to the other with yardwork when necessary. 

 

He's a good guy in a lot of ways. 

 

I just really wish he'd buckle down here I guess, but at the same time, I see it as probably being very hard. Not only because of the position he's in life-wise, but also because I suspect golf as a project could be more complicated and long-term for him because of his "swing flaws." 

 

If he was simply going downhill but otherwise had a great attitude out there, that'd be fine. 

 

.

Hey, we have all been there. 

 

Like @North Butte  said, sounds like it is time to have a beer and a chat about it, clear the air. 

 

It might help if his handicap goes up. A friend of mine was in the same boat early this year, not enjoying playing because he was struggling. He went up 4 shots and it took the pressure off, he started playing well again and even won our club championship last week. 

 

[mshills]

Analyzing and critiquing someone else's practice habits, whether he works with a coach, what he does at the range, whether he goes to the range, his mindset for scoring, his feelings about golf as a project, his instincts as a golfer, his ability to focus, his work/life balance, his work ethic, how he wants to improve, if he wants to improve and so on is just too much.

 

This isn't that hard.  None of that above stuff is your business, unless he is paying you to be his coach.  What is your business is "hey man, look, when we play golf, you're getting mad as hell all the time.  Golf is hard, I know, but look, this is a hobby and we are supposed to be having fun out here.  It's awkward and uncomfortable when you are pissed off -- it brings the whole group down."  You say that to a long-time playing partner and it will have a profound effect.  If it doesn't, then find someone different to play with.

[Kai Slater]

Reading through the replies and responses more carefully got me to pondering why many of us golfers in the general public are so hard  on ourselves with expectations.  Or, more specifically, why many of us (speaking in general terms here) get so pissed or bent out of shape when bad shots occur; kind of like we attach some sort of personal value that ebbs and flows with how our golf game happens to be at any given time, an identity of sorts.  I used to be that guy years ago, then after my 15 years off from the game (not even watching it on TV or knowing what was happening on the pGA tour), I re-set my entire expectation.

 

Basically acknowledging that I'm much older, not as fast, not as flexible, need to re-set all my yardages on all clubs.  Also, I'm not a pro and not even close to being a "good" golfer.  I have limited time to practice and play, so just accept it that I'm going to hit some good shots and some bad shots each/every time I go out.  So far, the game has been much more enjoyable with friends with these relaxed expectations of myself.  It's just a game after all.

[MelloYello]

31 minutes ago, mshills said:

Analyzing and critiquing someone else's practice habits, whether he works with a coach, what he does at the range, whether he goes to the range, his mindset for scoring, his feelings about golf as a project, his instincts as a golfer, his ability to focus, his work/life balance, his work ethic, how he wants to improve, if he wants to improve and so on is just too much.

 

This isn't that hard.  None of that above stuff is your business, unless he is paying you to be his coach.  What is your business is "hey man, look, when we play golf, you're getting mad as hell all the time.  Golf is hard, I know, but look, this is a hobby and we are supposed to be having fun out here.  It's awkward and uncomfortable when you are pissed off -- it brings the whole group down."  You say that to a long-time playing partner and it will have a profound effect.  If it doesn't, then find someone different to play with.

 

Everything done in public is everyone's business. How people drive is your business because you drive next to them. How your neighbor behaves matters because it affects you. 

 

If you don't want to be observed then don't get born at all, I guess? I hate when people say that crap because it's both anti-social and also just flat terrible as a description of the world. Look, for better or worse, we're all here together and what you do is seen by other people and by definition is therefore evaluated. If you see that a bird is red, you evaluated it as so. Maybe that's uncomfortable for you--the fact that everything you've ever done has been judged by other people--but trust me, so long as you live in society it's true. 

 

To your latter point, I agree 100%. It's not my job to coach him and I'm not doing that. What are you responding to?

 

I've recommended he stop getting angry and go take a lesson or two. I've recommended he get Trackman data to understand how he's presenting the club so he knows 100% what he really needs to address. I've told him to discuss these things with a more qualified instructor.

 

It's like you're suggesting I'm in the wrong for observing my friends situation and caring enough about him to think it through and discuss it on a message board. Get out of here with that nonsense. 

[dfeldss]

52 minutes ago, MelloYello said:

 

LOL, I don't think I'm on a high horse here. 

 

He's bringing down the vibe with a bad attitude and I'm spending my hours trying to be supportive and yes, I'm recommending he see a coach over and over. 

 

Turning your back on people (especially friends) isn't always the answer. This guy isn't just a "playing partner" and TBH, I don't like the attitude that someone is just that and nothing else. You should care about people. 

 

Maybe there is no answer here for him, but I certainly want to hear others' perspectives. You can see several people have chimed in. 

 

I'm not saying to throw him out to sea and never talk to the guy again. But at some point, if he's not enjoyable to be around and you've tried to address the issues with him, then that's on him.

 

Life's too short to spend it with people that aren't enjoyable to be around.

 

We've all likely had our rounds where we got annoyed with ourselves and maybe weren't fun to be playing with. I don't throw clubs and curse myself, but I can get mopey from time to time and frankly it's embarrassing to look back on to the point where i've apologized to my playing partners for not being a good hang that day. 

 

If he doesn't have that in him then what can ya do 

[MelloYello]

Just now, dfeldss said:

 

I'm not saying to throw him out to sea and never talk to the guy again. But at some point, if he's not enjoyable to be around and you've tried to address the issues with him, then that's on him.

 

Life's too short to spend it with people that aren't enjoyable to be around.

 

We've all likely had our rounds where we got annoyed with ourselves and maybe weren't fun to be playing with. I don't throw clubs and curse myself, but I can get mopey from time to time and frankly it's embarrassing to look back on to the point where i've apologized to my playing partners for not being a good hang that day. 

 

If he doesn't have that in him then what can ya do 

 

Sounds like you're making the thread about me rather than him. I don't need permission to stop playing with him if that's your concern. I have lots of friends of play golf with. It's just a shame this particular guy is struggling. 

 

The question is what can be said of his position. It's a scenario many people can relate to, both his and mine. And truthfully, there's probably no answer. 

 

To me, it's the tragedy of golf. It's a great game....if you're happy with it. To a lot of people though, it's pointlessly frustrating and my buddy's now in that situation because he's used to playing much better. 

 

I'm not saying there's a good answer for him. 

[MelloYello]

18 minutes ago, Kai Slater said:

Reading through the replies and responses more carefully got me to pondering why many of us golfers in the general public are so hard  on ourselves with expectations.  Or, more specifically, why many of us (speaking in general terms here) get so pissed or bent out of shape when bad shots occur; kind of like we attach some sort of personal value that ebbs and flows with how our golf game happens to be at any given time, an identity of sorts.  I used to be that guy years ago, then after my 15 years off from the game (not even watching it on TV or knowing what was happening on the pGA tour), I re-set my entire expectation.

 

Basically acknowledging that I'm much older, not as fast, not as flexible, need to re-set all my yardages on all clubs.  Also, I'm not a pro and not even close to being a "good" golfer.  I have limited time to practice and play, so just accept it that I'm going to hit some good shots and some bad shots each/every time I go out.  So far, the game has been much more enjoyable with friends with these relaxed expectations of myself.  It's just a game after all.

 

I'll tell you what, I admire the heck out of guys who can accept where they're at and be at the center of the social circle post-round. There's skill in that, too!

 

Would you rather be the funny guy everyone likes...or the guy who shot the lowest score?  😉

[RoyalMustang]

22 hours ago, MelloYello said:

My buddy is threatening to quit and quite frankly, I don’t blame him.

 

He’s gone from a casual 70s/80s player who loved golf 5 years ago to shooting near 100 sometimes, often double- or triple-bogeying half the holes on a given side. Quite frankly, he can't do anything very well right now. OB seems to be in play on every single hole. 

 

He hits it a mile but he’s got no idea where it’s going. The longer the shot, the more gory the miss. Worst of all, his swing is real unique, very much his own. Not something I could help with. And unfortunately, he doesn’t really have the instincts to be a good golfer. If it’s not a full swing, he’s in no-man's land. Tons of compensations going on. He doesn't have the instincts to lay back but he's got great talent and could shoot 70s with towering, Rory-esque moon balls if he weren't struggling so bad. It's been sad to watch the decline. I hate to say hacker but he's playing like it with no signs of improvement. 

 

He seems to expect every shot to be fine even when the last 4 were hooked dead left. He acts shocked at every mistake (an annoying habit). And he’s taken to getting quite upset about it during rounds. His attitude is the worst part now. He's a talker so every negative thing is vocalized. He's not the type to beat himself up but acting shocked at bad shots when you just shot 50 on the front comes off, IDK....annoying, right?

 

He’s working a lot and raising a family now so it's all totally understandable. But he doesn't seem that intent on quitting. Yet he doesn’t seem open to more practice or a few lessons. He's hitting the range but he's lost in a see of feels. I don’t think golf as a project is really something that fits him. He doesn't seem to learn well from other people. Kind of one of those "I need to teach myself" types (another annoying trait). I keep recommending lessons but I don't think he's that interested in golf as a serious study as this stage, IDK.

 

I honestly think maybe he should quit and just find something else to do, LOL. Bowling? But at the same time, golf isn’t that hard, LOL. I just took a 6 week break with a back injury and came back to shoot a 37, hitting half shots. That was probably a bit humiliating for him to see. I'm nursing a sore back, plinking it around the green and getting up and down to shoot a reasonable score, feeling great, and there he is unable to break 50 pounding 5w out by my driver. 

 

I think he's just wanting sympathy, probably feeling sorry for himself, that thing of when someone refuses to take ownership over their mistakes and wants acknowledgement from the group that they're in "pain." His refusal to lay back and keep it in play though bothers me because it means he can't be included with "the group" who compete and expect 100% effort on every shot.

 

I tried to include him once earlier this year and he embarrassed himself not so much with his awful play (which was worst in the group by several shots) but more so with his inability to manufacture some reasonable bogeys, instead choosing to embrace the blowup-after-blowup BS while looking for sympathy from a group that was more or less just annoyed at the constant nonsense. I was basically told in no uncertain terms, 'don't bother bringing him back' which I totally understand.   

 

It's just another example of lacking the kind of instincts golf demands: accepting limitation, playing safe, taking what's there, working with what you have on a given day, etc.

 

I don't know what to do. Maybe quitting is the answer for him right now? Would you say something? Maybe there's nothing to say? 

 

In the end, the lesson I'm learning is to be thankful that no matter how bad it feels like I'm playing, I'm good enough to play--period. Golf demands a lot of skill and anyone who can manage that deserves kudos.

 

So take a moment and pat yourself on the back if you can play well enough to enjoy this absurd game, because it's hard. 🙂

 

That was me last weekend on the front 9! Just when I'm ready to quit, I flush a 5-iron 210 for an eagle chance. I decide I'm not going to quit, then go back to sucking again! 

 

Honestly, I can relate. I am also a high variance player. If my timing is even a little bit off, that 5-iron is going 50 yards left, out of play. My scorecard usually features 1-3 birdies, 7-10 pars, a few bogeys, and 3-8 doubles/triples/quads.

 

I get it: it's way more frustrating to be streaky with the occasional shot that most people can't hit vs the steady, reliable player that avoids trouble. For guys like us, for whatever reason, our window for success is small. My goal is to widen it and avoid the big miss, but whether mental or physical, I haven't succeeded.

 

I don't have a good answer, aside from working with a coach that can eliminate the variance in his swing. But if it's not enjoyable, find something else to do. Good luck. 

 

I always figure that being out there walking the course in nature is still enjoyable, even yesterday in the 113 heat index. I had to wring out my clothes after changing, but if nothing else, I earned that beer. If the guy is pissy to play with (something I never try to be: I'm always upbeat even if things aren't going my way), then you may want to move on to other playing partners. 

Edited July 18, 2023 by RoyalMustang

[MelloYello]

54 minutes ago, Bye said:

Hey, we have all been there. 

 

Like @North Butte  said, sounds like it is time to have a beer and a chat about it, clear the air. 

 

It might help if his handicap goes up. A friend of mine was in the same boat early this year, not enjoying playing because he was struggling. He went up 4 shots and it took the pressure off, he started playing well again and even won our club championship last week. 

 

 

Yeah, I guess I should've been a bit more clear. He's really beginning to talk about quitting a lot more lately, as in...I think he might be seriously thinking about it. 

 

I just think that'd be awful it he went through with it. Yeah, other things are fun. He's got a kid and lake life is calling. I get it. But giving up on something you've got real ability at (even if maybe you're struggling and your instincts are great for it) is a loss nonetheless. 

 

A real question for us golfers...for whom is this funhouse of golf actually fun? 

[MelloYello]

2 minutes ago, RoyalMustang said:

 

That was me last weekend on the front 9! Just when I'm ready to quit, I flush a 5-iron 210 for an eagle chance. I decide I'm not going to quit, then go back to sucking again! 

 

Honestly, I can relate. I am also a high variance player. If my timing is even a little bit off, that 5-iron is going 50 yards left, out of play. My scorecard usually features 1-3 birdies, 7-10 pars, a few bogeys, and 3-8 doubles/triples/quads.

 

I get it: it's way more frustrating to be streaky with the occasional shot that most people can't hit vs the steady, reliable player that avoids trouble. For guys like us, for whatever reason, our window for success is small. My goal is to widen it and avoid the big miss, but whether mental or physical, I haven't succeeded.

 

I don't have a good answer, aside from working with a coach that can eliminate the variance in his swing. But if it's not enjoyable, find something else to do. Good luck. 

 

Thanks, he's definitely that high-variance type! 🙂

 

I'm certainly hoping he sticks with it. 

[blades_are_life]

2 minutes ago, MelloYello said:

 

A real question for us golfers...for whom is this funhouse of golf actually fun? 

People who have control of their bodies and minds and some semblance of understanding what they are supposed to be doing and what they want to be getting out of their time on the course.

[mshills]

14 minutes ago, MelloYello said:

Get out of here with that nonsense. 

Jeez man, no problem, this thread got weird. I’m out!

[MelloYello]

7 minutes ago, blades_are_life said:

People who have control of their bodies and minds and some semblance of understanding what they are supposed to be doing and what they want to be getting out of their time on the course.

 

Makes you wonder why so many people do it so religiously...

[Bye]

13 minutes ago, MelloYello said:

 

Yeah, I guess I should've been a bit more clear. He's really beginning to talk about quitting a lot more lately, as in...I think he might be seriously thinking about it. 

 

I just think that'd be awful it he went through with it. Yeah, other things are fun. He's got a kid and lake life is calling. I get it. But giving up on something you've got real ability at (even if maybe you're struggling and your instincts are great for it) is a loss nonetheless. 

 

A real question for us golfers...for whom is this funhouse of golf actually fun? 

Golf is weird, a few years back I was done, the only thing that stopped me was that I was in a pairs competition over the summer with a friend and couldn't let him down. Roll on a few years, I am now waiting to see a shoulder surgeon to see if I can keep playing, hoping their will be some good news. 

 

Maybe he just needs a break from the game for a bit, playing badly all the time is no fun and frustrating as hell. 

 

Golf, fun, don't be silly. 😃

 

Best wishes to you both!

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

28 minutes ago, MelloYello said:

 

Yeah, I guess I should've been a bit more clear. He's really beginning to talk about quitting a lot more lately, as in...I think he might be seriously thinking about it. 

 

I just think that'd be awful it he went through with it. Yeah, other things are fun. He's got a kid and lake life is calling. I get it. But giving up on something you've got real ability at (even if maybe you're struggling and your instincts are great for it) is a loss nonetheless. 

 

A real question for us golfers...for whom is this funhouse of golf actually fun? 

 

It seems to me that you have two problems here:

1. His anger and behavior on the course is unacceptable, is bringing everyone down, and he's not in control of it. 
2. You are playing in money games with him, sometimes it seems as his partner, and you feel like his devotion to his golf game and score doesn't match yours and is ruining your enjoyment of those games.

For the first one, that's when you have a heart to heart over a beer. If he's thinking about quitting, you need to ask him if he can change his mentality so that he goes out to play golf for enjoyment and can play badly without getting angry. You need to make it clear to him that his anger affects everyone else in the group and it's a really bummer when he gets like that. That you're his buddy, but that he needs to either change his attitude/expectations, fix the golf problems he has, or quit. Because what he's doing right now is not working, so he needs to make that change to be a more pleasurable person to play golf with, whatever his score. 

 

The second one, you just gotta stop playing with him as your partner in money games. If you feel that he's dragging down your own ability to be competitive, and it's his mindset more than his skill level, you're just not compatible as partners. He's probably never going to change, and neither are you, so it will forever be a rift. How you handle that with him might be delicate, but I don't see that ever being something that you'll come to agreement on, if his mindset is what it is.  

[MelloYello]

7 minutes ago, betarhoalphadelta said:

 

It seems to me that you have two problems here:

1. His anger and behavior on the course is unacceptable, is bringing everyone down, and he's not in control of it. 
2. You are playing in money games with him, sometimes it seems as his partner, and you feel like his devotion to his golf game and score doesn't match yours and is ruining your enjoyment of those games.

For the first one, that's when you have a heart to heart over a beer. If he's thinking about quitting, you need to ask him if he can change his mentality so that he goes out to play golf for enjoyment and can play badly without getting angry. You need to make it clear to him that his anger affects everyone else in the group and it's a really bummer when he gets like that. That you're his buddy, but that he needs to either change his attitude/expectations, fix the golf problems he has, or quit. Because what he's doing right now is not working, so he needs to make that change to be a more pleasurable person to play golf with, whatever his score. 

 

The second one, you just gotta stop playing with him as your partner in money games. If you feel that he's dragging down your own ability to be competitive, and it's his mindset more than his skill level, you're just not compatible as partners. He's probably never going to change, and neither are you, so it will forever be a rift. How you handle that with him might be delicate, but I don't see that ever being something that you'll come to agreement on, if his mindset is what it is.  

 

To be totally clear here, I brought him into the money game group one time and he was not invited back. That's pretty self explanatory there. There's no "problem," although he'd 100% be invited back if he got his game together a bit. Even if he shot 85, that'd be welcome in the group who merely asks the participants respect the endeavor and take it seriously. 

 

To you other point(s), it's not really that his defeated attitude is the problem. Who wouldn't be frustrated and defeated if they were playing so badly? Let's acknowledge the truth here. He's not stupid. This is a guy who's fallen off and just can't find a way to fix it. If he knew how, he'd do it. The problem is that he's playing poorly and yet the answer probably isn't some small fix--or at least it'll involve diving into an activity so whole-heartedly that he can't bare the thought of that because of (A) the fact nothing's paying off in it right now for him so it seems like sinking good money/time after bad and (B) he's got other bigger fish to fry with work and family. 

 

So it's hard for me to sit there and tell him to invest more time and money into it when, yeah, I guess at the end of the day he's kind of right...if it's not working now, why risk spending more time on it? 

 

The answer of course is that it doesn't matter either way. Do it or don't. Who cares? And truthfully, it's not a "risk" at all. Investing more time and money will work so long as you're diligent about it. 

 

But that's hard for people like him to understand, I think. And he's stuck wondering whether it's even a good thing to spend so much time on golf anyway.

 

We can all understand that. 

 

 

.

Edited July 18, 2023 by MelloYello

[dfeldss]

44 minutes ago, MelloYello said:

 

Sounds like you're making the thread about me rather than him. I don't need permission to stop playing with him if that's your concern. I have lots of friends of play golf with. It's just a shame this particular guy is struggling. 

 

The question is what can be said of his position. It's a scenario many people can relate to, both his and mine. And truthfully, there's probably no answer. 

 

To me, it's the tragedy of golf. It's a great game....if you're happy with it. To a lot of people though, it's pointlessly frustrating and my buddy's now in that situation because he's used to playing much better. 

 

I'm not saying there's a good answer for him. 

 

Fair enough. Maybe i took the post the wrong way.

 

It is a tough spot to be in, and one that most golfers I think find themselves in at some point during their golfing lives. Hopefully just a rut, but there's no shortage of guys who hung it up for a couple years then came back with a healthier appreciation for the game

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

4 minutes ago, MelloYello said:

 

To you other point(s), it's not really that his defeated attitude is the problem. Who wouldn't be frustrated and defeated if they were playing so badly? Let's acknowledge the truth here. He's not stupid. This is a guy who's fallen off and just can't find a way to fix it. If he knew how, he'd do it. The problem is that he's playing poorly and yet the answer probably isn't some small fix--or at least it'll involve diving into an activity so whole-heartedly that he can't bare the thought of that because of (A) the fact nothing's paying off in it right now for him so it seems like sinking good money/time after bad and (B) he's got other bigger fish to fry with work and family. 

 

So it's hard for me to sit there and tell him to invest more time and money into it when, yeah, I guess at the end of the day he's kind of right...if it's not working now, why risk spending more time on it? 

 

The answer of course is that it doesn't matter either way. Do it or don't. Who cares? And truthfully, it's not a "risk" at all. Investing more time and money will work so long as you're diligent about it. 

 

But that's hard for people like him to understand, I think. And he's stuck wondering whether it's even a good thing to spend so much time on golf anyway.

 

We can all understand that. 

 

 

I get you. My last three rounds were terrible. Like "why am I even playing this stupid game" terrible. Like "I'm miserable because every time I hit a good drive I still somehow make effing double" terrible. 

 

And like your buddy, I am *not* good enough to have expectations. I can barely say I "lost it" regarding my game, because I'm not exactly someone who "had it" to begin with. But the scores were terrible even by my standards. But I was getting unnecessarily angry about my performance, and after that last round I realized I need a mental reset and to be a damn grown-up about it. 

 

The answer is the same. Your buddy has three options:

 

1. Grow up and realize that he has to be a bad golfer without being angry.
2. Devote the time to his game to get it back.
3. Take a break from the game and reevaluate whether it's something that he wants to come back to. 

 

That's it. It sounds like he's got too many other commitments for #2. So he has to either make peace with his game sucking for a while, or he has to take a break. But taking no action to change isn't good for him, and it sure as hell isn't good for you. 

[blades_are_life]

45 minutes ago, MelloYello said:

 

Makes you wonder why so many people do it so religiously...

Well there is also tolerance for shortcomings there and willingness to adjust behavior in respect to those. I do suspect a lot of people who play it frequently are well attuned with what they are trying to get out of it.

[ShortGolfer]

I am super competitive.  I don't play golf until the middle of June because I'm competing in rose shows.  If the weather is good enough to play golf it is great for working on the roses.

Beginners count blue ribbons.  I look up last year's results and count trophy winners.

 

But, I also want to be someone who is fun to play with on the golf course, so I have an entirely different mindset than when I'm prepping roses for the Show Table. 

After eight months of not playing golf I make a lot of terrible shots so I haven't been keeping score.  But, someone congratulated me on the course  for making a great little lob shot onto the green.

And I properly acknowledged him.  I made two of those lob shots today.  Just getting around the course was a challenge with the recent deluge of rain.  I saw  a bunker filled with water that was normally just wet.

 

Edited July 18, 2023 by ShortGolfer

[Roody]

23 minutes ago, betarhoalphadelta said:

The answer is the same. Your buddy has three options:

 

1. Grow up and realize that he has to be a bad golfer without being angry.
2. Devote the time to his game to get it back.
3. Take a break from the game and reevaluate whether it's something that he wants to come back to. 

 

That's it. It sounds like he's got too many other commitments for #2. So he has to either make peace with his game sucking for a while, or he has to take a break. But taking no action to change isn't good for him, and it sure as hell isn't good for you. 

Agreed. And your first point is kinda what I was alluding to earlier. 

@MelloYello to add more to my previous thoughts where I said he kinda has to figure this out on his own (you can certainly help nudge him there, but ultimately it's on him) - I actually kinda used to be your friend. A little bit anyways, there are some similarities. 

Back in 2014 I got a season pass at one of our local public golf courses. I think I was around a 7 index at the time, and I made a pledge that I was going to get better that season. So I started hitting the range a lot more. I devoted time to practicing, really went harder at it than I ever had before. 

 

One of the first things I noticed as I played each round is how upset I would get if I hit a bad shot. I'd slam clubs, drop f-bombs, and often curse myself out as I walked to my next shot. It became my belief that I'm putting in the work, so there's no way I should be hitting bad shots. I would walk off the green with a double and say "how in the heck did you hit a perfect drive and double that hole! That's ridiculous, my god you suck"

 

And then it got worse. Any wood I got into my hand I would hit the most awful hook with. Everything would come out knuckleballing to the left and dive hard into the ground. I couldn't figure it out, and it took probably 3 months of playing a lot of golf before I got rid of it. And that only made my on-course anger worse. I eventually had to tee off with irons only just so I could get a ball into play. 

 

I don't remember the exact moment, but I probably had a blow up and I could tell that I was upsetting my playing partners. I had to make a deal with myself that I'd rather be a little more mediocre at golf and have fun, than be an angry jerk who is unpleasant to be around, but 2-3 strokes better on the handicap index. 

 

Nowadays I rarely get mad on the golf course anymore. I don't practice a lot, and I am fine with that. I'm at an 8 index now, and I've accepted it. I still keep a serious score, but I devote myself to making sure not only am I having a good time, but I want to make sure that everyone I play with at least enjoys my company. 

 

[8thehardway]

I've played with someone similar; though not as far down the rabbit hole as your friend he was definitely burrowing below the surface and embarassing situations did come up. He mostly saw golf through the narrow lens of distance and was continually vexed by lack of accuracy yet wouldn't give up one yard of distance for hitting all the fairways. 

 

I have no answers but offer a suggestion that might begin to turn things around: play a round with him as a 2-man team scramble - it might minimize his usual reaction to bad shots, possibly because his following shot (from your ball) would be all that mattered, and his eventual contributions might reawaken his former self.

 

 

 

 

 

 

   

 

 

 

 

[Hawkeye77]

On 7/18/2023 at 10:12 AM, MelloYello said:

 

 

It's like you're suggesting I'm in the wrong for observing my friends situation and caring enough about him to think it through and discuss it on a message board. Get out of here with that nonsense. 

It wasn’t nonsense. 
 

 

[MelloYello]

3 hours ago, Hawkeye77 said:

It wasn’t nonsense. 
 

 

 

So you tell me what I'm supposed to say to my buddy when he asks for my input. 

[Hawkeye77]

1 hour ago, MelloYello said:

 

So you tell me what I'm supposed to say to my buddy when he asks for my input. 

You said you already gave him your input and the whole thread is about your ideas about how he should act and how he’s a pain in the you know what. Doesn’t sound like he’s asked or is asking for any input and charting his own course (and not saying you don’t care about him).
 

Friends can be work. But honestly the only useful advice, IMO, would be from people who know you both personally.

[Nard_S]

I play with a friend of 40 years, guy can't honestly break 110, whines a lot, we just laugh at him and tell him' yeah, you suck'. He holds us up with do overs (there's a lot of those) we call him out. I don't suffer his stupidity and also don't care his fate, golf wise. It doesn't effect me. We roast him for it, he's got a good sense of humor and understands. Your friend has young kids and wife and all that entails that.. Golf is not a priority nor should it be.  I cannot understand either end of spectrum with this stuff. It's just a game.