My buddy wants to quit...

[MelloYello]

My buddy is threatening to quit and quite frankly, I don’t blame him.

 

He’s gone from a casual 70s/80s player who loved golf 5 years ago to shooting near 100 sometimes, often double- or triple-bogeying half the holes on a given side. Quite frankly, he can't do anything very well right now. OB seems to be in play on every single hole. 

 

He hits it a mile but he’s got no idea where it’s going. The longer the shot, the more gory the miss. Worst of all, his swing is real unique, very much his own. Not something I could help with. And unfortunately, he doesn’t really have the instincts to be a good golfer. If it’s not a full swing, he’s in no-man's land. Tons of compensations going on. He doesn't have the instincts to lay back but he's got great talent and could shoot 70s with towering, Rory-esque moon balls if he weren't struggling so bad. It's been sad to watch the decline. I hate to say hacker but he's playing like it with no signs of improvement. 

 

He seems to expect every shot to be fine even when the last 4 were hooked dead left. He acts shocked at every mistake (an annoying habit). And he’s taken to getting quite upset about it during rounds. His attitude is the worst part now. He's a talker so every negative thing is vocalized. He's not the type to beat himself up but acting shocked at bad shots when you just shot 50 on the front comes off, IDK....annoying, right?

 

He’s working a lot and raising a family now so it's all totally understandable. But he doesn't seem that intent on quitting. Yet he doesn’t seem open to more practice or a few lessons. He's hitting the range but he's lost in a see of feels. I don’t think golf as a project is really something that fits him. He doesn't seem to learn well from other people. Kind of one of those "I need to teach myself" types (another annoying trait). I keep recommending lessons but I don't think he's that interested in golf as a serious study as this stage, IDK.

 

I honestly think maybe he should quit and just find something else to do, LOL. Bowling? But at the same time, golf isn’t that hard, LOL. I just took a 6 week break with a back injury and came back to shoot a 37, hitting half shots. That was probably a bit humiliating for him to see. I'm nursing a sore back, plinking it around the green and getting up and down to shoot a reasonable score, feeling great, and there he is unable to break 50 pounding 5w out by my driver. 

 

I think he's just wanting sympathy, probably feeling sorry for himself, that thing of when someone refuses to take ownership over their mistakes and wants acknowledgement from the group that they're in "pain." His refusal to lay back and keep it in play though bothers me because it means he can't be included with "the group" who compete and expect 100% effort on every shot.

 

I tried to include him once earlier this year and he embarrassed himself not so much with his awful play (which was worst in the group by several shots) but more so with his inability to manufacture some reasonable bogeys, instead choosing to embrace the blowup-after-blowup BS while looking for sympathy from a group that was more or less just annoyed at the constant nonsense. I was basically told in no uncertain terms, 'don't bother bringing him back' which I totally understand.   

 

It's just another example of lacking the kind of instincts golf demands: accepting limitation, playing safe, taking what's there, working with what you have on a given day, etc.

 

I don't know what to do. Maybe quitting is the answer for him right now? Would you say something? Maybe there's nothing to say? 

 

In the end, the lesson I'm learning is to be thankful that no matter how bad it feels like I'm playing, I'm good enough to play--period. Golf demands a lot of skill and anyone who can manage that deserves kudos.

 

So take a moment and pat yourself on the back if you can play well enough to enjoy this absurd game, because it's hard. 🙂

Edited July 17, 2023 by MelloYello

[MattM97]

If he's not putting in the work, not putting in practice, not changing his expectations to his current life circumstances then no reason to give sympathy. You see it here a bit where guys were once low single digit but now have kids and are just happy to get out and play, you see plenty of men finally realize that father time has caught up to them and they have to play more woods and hybrids to enjoy the game, or moving down in weight and flex. 

 

Now the biggest issue here doesn't seem to be his lack of game at the moment it's more his attitude towards the game itself. We all hate the guy that's super negative out there, I don't mind the guy that shoots 100+ that has a good time and a positive attitude. But the friend out there cursing, angry, etc they don't get the call as much anymore. 

 

I think just inviting him out less and less maybe he gets the hint, maybe he asks why he's not getting as much invite. If he asks tell him straight up what is going on. 

[Roody]

 

38 minutes ago, MelloYello said:

I don't know what to do. Maybe quitting is the answer for him right now? Would you say something? Maybe there's nothing to say? 

 

I guess it depends on what your level of investment is in your friendship with him. Do you even want him back with you on the course? Do you think he can get past these issues? Or at the very least can he at least get past the anger issues? 

I think much of these issues are going to have to be worked through on his own. He has to want to fix it. You can try to help, but there's no way you can do it for him. 

[MelloYello]

26 minutes ago, MattM97 said:

If he's not putting in the work, not putting in practice, not changing his expectations to his current life circumstances then no reason to give sympathy. You see it here a bit where guys were once low single digit but now have kids and are just happy to get out and play, you see plenty of men finally realize that father time has caught up to them and they have to play more woods and hybrids to enjoy the game, or moving down in weight and flex. 

 

Now the biggest issue here doesn't seem to be his lack of game at the moment it's more his attitude towards the game itself. We all hate the guy that's super negative out there, I don't mind the guy that shoots 100+ that has a good time and a positive attitude. But the friend out there cursing, angry, etc they don't get the call as much anymore. 

 

I think just inviting him out less and less maybe he gets the hint, maybe he asks why he's not getting as much invite. If he asks tell him straight up what is going on. 

 

12 minutes ago, Roody said:

 

I guess it depends on what your level of investment is in your friendship with him. Do you even want him back with you on the course? Do you think he can get past these issues? Or at the very least can he at least get past the anger issues? 

I think much of these issues are going to have to be worked through on his own. He has to want to fix it. You can try to help, but there's no way you can do it for him. 

 

Well, what really sets this guy back is that he doesn't have the instinct for scoring. He doesn't seem to understand that there's value in dialing it back. Heck, if you have to hit 6- or 7-iron off the tee and play every hole as a Par-5 or something, there can be value in that. 

 

There seems to be a really self-destructive kind of tendency in him to almost embrace his blow-ups. That's where you can tell he's really mentally weak. He isn't a grinder at all. He's not capable of seeing an 85 as being preferable to an 88 which, trust me, when you're winning and losing by 1-shot with your fellow teammates competing against other groups is definitely a serious matter. 

 

I think deep down, maybe he just doesn't have the instincts for the game. One of my group-mates pretty much summed it up with me when he said, 'you're buddy's a nice guy, but he's not a golfer.' That can come off as harsh but I get what he's saying 100%. 

 

My buddy is the type to hit Pw 150 yards, spinning it off the front of the green and then brag about how far it he it when you knock an ugly 8i to 20-ft and actually sit closer to the pin than he does.

 

At the end of the day, that's just kind of dumb guy stuff. I guess I always just thought he was better than that--that maybe he had more of a mind for competition when the situation arose, but maybe not. 

 

I guess my buddy is still stuck in that world where you go home thinking about that 1 perfect shot as opposed to the world I prefer where no single shot matters more than the rest. The 300-yd drive is great, but the 3-footer that missed is just as important. 

 

.

Edited July 17, 2023 by MelloYello

[North Butte]

I don't know the real nature or limits of your friendship but when I found myself spiraling into that sort of anger/self-pity cycle on the golf course a few years ago it was all brought to a screeching halt by a frank and no-nonsense talking-to by one of my golf buddies I respect a lot. He made it perfectly clear (and not in an angry way, just blunt) exactly how my behavior looked to other golfers and why it could not continue.

 

Not saying I got cured overnight but a month or two later I was like a different person out there. Or more to the point, I was like my normal mostly chill Real Life self rather than the Angry Golf Monster thing. Every once in a while I feel a little hint in the back of my head at the old anger wanting to creep in but somehow that change in perspective has stuck with me and the cursing and stuff doesn't boil over (well, I may occasionally THINK a few choice expletives in my head, I'm only human). 

 

But whether your friend would be helped by hearing it from you, only you can judge. 

[jomatty]

Sounds more like you are ready to quit golfing with your friend more than he is ready to quit…that seems fair given what you described.  If he is truly important to you then have a heart to heart with him and say the uncomfortable things.  If not, just don’t play with him because we all only get so much time on the golf course and it doesn’t sound like anyone likes playing with this guy.

[DNF]

I was once "your friend". 

 

Big difference is my friends never had any expectations of me. I would shank OB and they'd be like "hit another". I always tried to play strait-up like them, but when the game is going rough sometimes it's ok to focus on other things besides score. As a family man as well, sometimes life and it's stresses can really weigh on you. Thus affecting your game because we know how mental golf can be. In closing I'd rather have a real dunce of a golf partner then to golf alone. It's still satisfying to hit a great shot and have your buddy there to give you props on it.

[caniac6]

Sounds like you are more worried about him than he is. If he doesn’t want to practice, or take lessons, there is no point in trying to help. Play your own game, and he will either quit or do something to get some help. I might go so far as telling him it’s difficult to play with him given his current game. It’s a tough position to be in with a friend.

[Jeri6gt]

I have a friend that shoots in the 100s now, I dont know what happened to him, but he definitely doesnt have a desire to play.

 

Finding others to play with is all you can do.

Edited July 17, 2023 by Jeri6gt

[bobfoster]

2 hours ago, MattM97 said:

Now the biggest issue here doesn't seem to be his lack of game at the moment it's more his attitude towards the game itself. We all hate the guy that's super negative out there, I don't mind the guy that shoots 100+ that has a good time and a positive attitude. But the friend out there cursing, angry, etc they don't get the call as much anymore. 

Totally. Remember reading someone on WRX a few years ago saying something perfect (yes, it was so good I still remember it): No one cares how you play, they only care how you are to play with. 

 

Some of the worst rounds of my life have been with single cappers - who would grumble under their breath at even slightly bad shots, curse themselves out loudly if they three-putted or bogeyed a hole, and helicopter clubs if they did something really bad. And some of my most enjoyable rounds have been with people that probably barely broke 100, but just really dug being on the course. A simplistic, but mostly true rule ... if someone is enjoying themself during a round (regardless of what they are shooting), they are probably going to be pretty enjoyable to play with. 

[jordan2240]

I played in a scramble recently with my son-in-law, one of his friends (Pat), and the friends' father, both of whom I've known for some time.  Pat rarely golfs, but playing with him was absolutely no fun because every time he hit a bad shot, which was often, he'd let loose with a barrage of curse words.  Had he simply laughed them off, it would have been far more enjoyable.  If your friend is pleased with the way he plays and plays at a pace that is acceptable, I wouldn't worry about him, but if he's just no fun to play with, I'd start inviting him around less, or if he's a good friend, simply suggest he 'mellowyellow' out or you're going to stop inviting him to play.  I couldn't care less what my golf buddies score (or if they even keep it).  I just don't want to be embarrassed by them or spend most of the round looking for their balls.

[Chunkitgood]

“There seems to be a really self-destructive kind of tendency in him to almost embrace his blow-ups. That's where you can tell he's really mentally weak. He isn't a grinder at all. He's not capable of seeing an 85 as being preferable to an 88 which, trust me, when you're winning and losing by 1-shot with your fellow teammates competing against other groups is definitely a serious matter.”

 

Or is it?

[ChipNRun]

5 hours ago, MattM97 said:

If he's not putting in the work, not putting in practice, not changing his expectations to his current life circumstances then no reason to give sympathy.

 

I know several people who soured on the game and no longer wanted to play. I first saw this problem circa 1970. (Hint: it's part of golfdom!)

[Blaiser]

12 hours ago, MelloYello said:

 

 

Well, what really sets this guy back is that he doesn't have the instinct for scoring. He doesn't seem to understand that there's value in dialing it back. Heck, if you have to hit 6- or 7-iron off the tee and play every hole as a Par-5 or something, there can be value in that. 

 

There seems to be a really self-destructive kind of tendency in him to almost embrace his blow-ups. That's where you can tell he's really mentally weak. He isn't a grinder at all. He's not capable of seeing an 85 as being preferable to an 88 which, trust me, when you're winning and losing by 1-shot with your fellow teammates competing against other groups is definitely a serious matter. 

 

I think deep down, maybe he just doesn't have the instincts for the game. One of my group-mates pretty much summed it up with me when he said, 'you're buddy's a nice guy, but he's not a golfer.' That can come off as harsh but I get what he's saying 100%. 

 

My buddy is the type to hit Pw 150 yards, spinning it off the front of the green and then brag about how far it he it when you knock an ugly 8i to 20-ft and actually sit closer to the pin than he does.

 

At the end of the day, that's just kind of dumb guy stuff. I guess I always just thought he was better than that--that maybe he had more of a mind for competition when the situation arose, but maybe not. 

 

I guess my buddy is still stuck in that world where you go home thinking about that 1 perfect shot as opposed to the world I prefer where no single shot matters more than the rest. The 300-yd drive is great, but the 3-footer that missed is just as important. 

 

.

 

Sounds like you hate this guy, and he's not really your friend. Don't think I would write something like this about any true friend of mine.

Edited July 18, 2023 by Blaiser

[North Butte]

16 hours ago, MelloYello said:

At the end of the day, that's just kind of dumb guy stuff. I guess I always just thought he was better than that--that maybe he had more of a mind for competition when the situation arose, but maybe not. 

 

I guess my buddy is still stuck in that world where you go home thinking about that 1 perfect shot as opposed to the world I prefer where no single shot matters more than the rest. The 300-yd drive is great, but the 3-footer that missed is just as important. 

I replied yesterday to the anger stuff because it struck a chord with me but somehow failed to read the rest of what you wrote.

 

Your "mind for competition" is not something shared by the majority of golfers I play with. At least not to anything like the extent it matters for you. You're describing a hard-core, grind it out, stroke play mindset that in my experience is pretty common among really good golfers but much more rare among those of us who are shooting in the 80's and 90's.

 

Your friend is at the opposite extreme. He's out there to see how far and how hard he can hit every shot and he may indeed care only about how many amazing shots he hits in a round, not so much about trying to grind out a 6 on a hole where he ends up making 8. 

 

Now that I go back and read everything, I'm not getting the impression there's much of a future in the two of you playing today. He has no interest in the game you want him to play and you have no tolerance for the game he wants to play. 

[Roody]

16 hours ago, MelloYello said:

 

I think deep down, maybe he just doesn't have the instincts for the game….

 

My buddy is the type to hit Pw 150 yards, spinning it off the front of the green and then brag about how far it he it when you knock an ugly 8i to 20-ft and actually sit closer to the pin than he does.

.

ok, that does make it a little more clear. I’ve played with all sorts of guys like that, who are more impressed with how far they can bomb it past you than an actual good “golf shot”. Two people I know come to mind, and they’re at different ends of the spectrum.

 

First is my younger brother. I’m 5’7” tall, he’s 6’5” and built like a tight end. He doesn’t play nearly as much as I do, but when we get out to play he really only revels in how far he can smash his drives. Mind you, he can’t keep them on the planet half the time, but when he does manage to hit his own fairway, he’s 300+. And he makes sure to let me know how far past mine he is. And all I say in return “wow, that’s great… how many strokes am I beating you by, remind me again?”

 

The other friend is someone who NEVER gets mad on the course. But he will stand over a tee shot and say “hmmm, should I hit a draw or a fade here?”. And then I’ll reply “a straight shot will work just fine”. He’ll reply and say “yeah, but that’s boring”. He wants to shoot a good score, but it’s very LOW on his priority list. He’s more interested in pulling off trick shots. And if he doesn’t do it, he just laughs it off and tries again later. He will do flop shots when flop shots aren’t necessary, etc. But he has fun, and he’s fun to be around.

[Kai Slater]

16 hours ago, MattM97 said:

 

 

.......I think just inviting him out less and less maybe he gets the hint, maybe he asks why he's not getting as much invite. If he asks tell him straight up what is going on. 

I agree with this, what MattM97 says here in this quote.  Hopefully, he would get the message.  Even better, perhaps, is that he will come to this realization on his own and change his attitude/expectation, maybe back away for a while.  This is what I did as this nearly very same thing happened to me years ago.

 

I was an avid golfer back in the mid 1990s to about 2008, playing, on average 2-3 times per week and hitting balls nearly every day.  I reached the point  where I could and would shoot mostly in the 78-84 range on any given round.  I even had a few rounds of 76, including one in Myrtle Beach, where we would frequently gather the family/friends and go for week-long golf trips.  Same with Florida.  I was in my 20s and early 30s, strong, flexible, former track/field state champ, baseball player, etc....golf was "easy" for me, until it all came crashing down one summer in Myrtle Beach.

 

Summer of 2008, I'm at my usual Myrtle Beach area courses on a golf trip, when suddenly I lost my swing, my touch, and my entire attitude/enjoyment for golf.  It was Lions Paw golf course, when it all fell apart.  I could hit it a mile, but in all the wrong directions.  How about a 285 yard hook into the next fairway?  Or hit a nice drive, then totally air-mail the approach to the green by 30 yards, then chunk two chips trying to get on the green where I 3 putt?  Or, hit a 280 yard power slice into the forest OB?  Add in about 11 of the greens 3-putting and I end the round with a score of 101.  I did this same thing for an entire week and had a miserable trip. I couldn't figure out why and I was too prideful and maybe "cheap" to seek help.  I'll figure this out on my own.....and I never did.

 

I came home and it continued.  One day, after a four-man, best-ball tournament, playing like a total beginner hack, I put the clubs away; gave them to my wife's club-pro relative, and gave it up.  I told him that it's just not fun anymore and, at the time, with two young toddlers and a very stressful job, I wanted a break from golf.  

 

After all, golf is expensive, and why pay lots of money to just be bad at something?  From my perspective, it's not fun to play poorly.  Anyway, this "break" from golf lasted 15 years.  I was 35 when I gave it up, now I'm 50 and just now am trying to get back into the game slowly.  Now, however, I realize that I have lost my speed, flexibility, and some of the mobility that I had 15 years ago.  I'm ok with that and now have much lower expectation.  Looking back on it all, I believe that my frustration was rooted in unrealistic expectations.  Sports always came fairly easy to me, so why would golf be any different?  I set the bar very high in my mind and, when I failed to reach that bar (i.e. bad shots, poor putting, etc.) that tension would creep in and get me upset.

[Kai Slater]

17 hours ago, Roody said:

 

I guess it depends on what your level of investment is in your friendship with him. Do you even want him back with you on the course? Do you think he can get past these issues? Or at the very least can he at least get past the anger issues? 

I think much of these issues are going to have to be worked through on his own. He has to want to fix it. You can try to help, but there's no way you can do it for him. 

Good points to think about here.

[Ferguson]

14 hours ago, bobfoster said:

Totally. Remember reading someone on WRX a few years ago saying something perfect (yes, it was so good I still remember it): No one cares how you play, they only care how you are to play with. 

 

Some of the worst rounds of my life have been with single cappers - who would grumble under their breath at even slightly bad shots, curse themselves out loudly if they three-putted or bogeyed a hole, and helicopter clubs if they did something really bad. And some of my most enjoyable rounds have been with people that probably barely broke 100, but just really dug being on the course. A simplistic, but mostly true rule ... if someone is enjoying themself during a round (regardless of what they are shooting), they are probably going to be pretty enjoyable to play with. 

 

 

 

It was machinist and weekend golfer Gene Cowley (screen name: GeneCow).

 

 

 

 

[Kai Slater]

41 minutes ago, North Butte said:

I replied yesterday to the anger stuff because it struck a chord with me but somehow failed to read the rest of what you wrote.

 

Your "mind for competition" is not something shared by the majority of golfers I play with. At least not to anything like the extent it matters for you. You're describing a hard-core, grind it out, stroke play mindset that in my experience is pretty common among really good golfers but much more rare among those of us who are shooting in the 80's and 90's.

 

Your friend is at the opposite extreme. He's out there to see how far and how hard he can hit every shot and he may indeed care only about how many amazing shots he hits in a round, not so much about trying to grind out a 6 on a hole where he ends up making 8. 

 

Now that I go back and read everything, I'm not getting the impression there's much of a future in the two of you playing today. He has no interest in the game you want him to play and you have no tolerance for the game he wants to play. 

Well said.  It's like his friend is out there playing for a different reason altogether and is not like-minded with rest of the group.

[mshills]

OP is getting way too deep into his buddy’s game. I’ve never come close to analyzing someone else’s game, approach to learning, mental state, etc. like that. Unless we are competing I don’t typically even know what someone else shot. 
 

I would chat with him about golf course anger if you want. Let him know that it’s bringing you down, and we should have fun out there, right?  Beyond that, let him figure out his own game.

[Soloman1]

Golf is hard. It’s harder if you’re stupid.

[Bye]

He sounds like he is lucky to have a friend like you, many people would have slowly stopped playing with him from what you have said.

 

If the situation is becoming detrimental to your game etc, then you need to take care of that.

 

It doesn't sound like he has any goals. Does he have a handicap? 

 

 

[dfeldss]

I'd be very weirded out if i find out my friend wrote this about me. Not cool that he gets mad and brings down the vibe sometimes, but get off your high horse.

 

If he's truly a good friend tell him to start practicing to get better (and he probably doesn't want to hear instruction from you - so point him to a coach), or learn to manage expectations and just have fun being out there if he doesn't want to practice. If he doesn't do either just stop playing with him.

 

If he's just a guy you play with sometimes just stop playing with him. 

[North Butte]

3 minutes ago, Bye said:

He sounds like he is lucky to have a friend like you, many people would have slowly stopped playing with him from what you have said.

 

If the situation is becoming detrimental to your game etc, then you need to take care of that.

 

It doesn't sound like he has any goals. Does he have a handicap? 

 

 

I've played with quite a few people like that over the years (not regularly but once in a while) and their goal is pretty much to hit the crap out of the ball and a few times in a round amaze themselves with a totally awesome shot.

 

Those goals are not really compatible with a competitive group treating every double bogey or three-putt as a crime against humanity!

Edited July 18, 2023 by North Butte

[MelloYello]

3 hours ago, North Butte said:

I replied yesterday to the anger stuff because it struck a chord with me but somehow failed to read the rest of what you wrote.

 

Your "mind for competition" is not something shared by the majority of golfers I play with. At least not to anything like the extent it matters for you. You're describing a hard-core, grind it out, stroke play mindset that in my experience is pretty common among really good golfers but much more rare among those of us who are shooting in the 80's and 90's.

 

Your friend is at the opposite extreme. He's out there to see how far and how hard he can hit every shot and he may indeed care only about how many amazing shots he hits in a round, not so much about trying to grind out a 6 on a hole where he ends up making 8. 

 

Now that I go back and read everything, I'm not getting the impression there's much of a future in the two of you playing today. He has no interest in the game you want him to play and you have no tolerance for the game he wants to play. 

 

Well, kind of. Except he gets really frustrated that he's no longer shooting 78-85 like he used to with a bunch of respectable shots mixed in that help make it enjoyable. He's basically living in golf hell right now where basically every hole is a bad hole.

 

His biggest problem is that he hits it a mile so if it's offline it gets unplayable real quick. And his frustration has become real self-indulgent. It's become "I suck" or "why am I even trying" after every shot now. And yet, again, he could play much more conservatively if he chose to and he could grind just a little bit to keep it on the rails. 

 

When he came out to play with my group (some of whom are older guys, a few of whom may shoot high-80s on a cruddy day) he dropped a mid-90s score and basically shrugged his shoulders about it as if to completely absolve himself of any wrong-doing. It's like, bro, this is a money game. I know you're the D-player here, and a bad day is fine, but at least have the respect to act like you care. Act classy around the group. Don't be an idiot. Acknowledge that every shot counts when you're out there. An 89 is better than a 90. You're playing with other people's money. That day (months ago) was just a real bad look overall, but a real sign of how far he's fallen mentally. 

 

Look, I feel bad for the guy. On 9 holes might have 2 pars with the rest being doubles. If you're used to shooting 40-ish on 9 and you find yourself playing army golf, hacking it out of the deep stuff, unable to break 50 it sucks. I don't blame him for being upset about the decline. 

 

I guess I'm just sad I don't see an easy answer. His swing is pretty weird. Super inside. Across the line. Super strong grip. It's one thing to be a lousy wedge player. But if you lose the things that work (tee shots) the whole game is kind of pointless. 

 

And that's not my summation. He'd be the first to tell you he's wasting his money. TBH, it's that attitude that grates on me. I'm like, 'Go take a lesson with the head pro. He helped me.'

 

But my buddy doesn't seem to want to hear that. Like I said, if he can't teach himself, he doesn't seem interested. I'm just frustrated with the whole thing. 

 

 

 

.

Edited July 18, 2023 by MelloYello

[MelloYello]

3 hours ago, Roody said:

ok, that does make it a little more clear. I’ve played with all sorts of guys like that, who are more impressed with how far they can bomb it past you than an actual good “golf shot”. Two people I know come to mind, and they’re at different ends of the spectrum.

 

First is my younger brother. I’m 5’7” tall, he’s 6’5” and built like a tight end. He doesn’t play nearly as much as I do, but when we get out to play he really only revels in how far he can smash his drives. Mind you, he can’t keep them on the planet half the time, but when he does manage to hit his own fairway, he’s 300+. And he makes sure to let me know how far past mine he is. And all I say in return “wow, that’s great… how many strokes am I beating you by, remind me again?”

 

The other friend is someone who NEVER gets mad on the course. But he will stand over a tee shot and say “hmmm, should I hit a draw or a fade here?”. And then I’ll reply “a straight shot will work just fine”. He’ll reply and say “yeah, but that’s boring”. He wants to shoot a good score, but it’s very LOW on his priority list. He’s more interested in pulling off trick shots. And if he doesn’t do it, he just laughs it off and tries again later. He will do flop shots when flop shots aren’t necessary, etc. But he has fun, and he’s fun to be around.

 

Haha, I wish my buddy was more like the latter. As people have said, nobody cares what anyone shoots. What matters is how you act and whether you're fun to be around. 

 

If you're playing badly,...do you then make other people feel bad by complaining, whining, etc.? 

 

In my buddy's case, that's becoming more and more normal. 

[MelloYello]

3 hours ago, Kai Slater said:

I agree with this, what MattM97 says here in this quote.  Hopefully, he would get the message.  Even better, perhaps, is that he will come to this realization on his own and change his attitude/expectation, maybe back away for a while.  This is what I did as this nearly very same thing happened to me years ago.

 

I was an avid golfer back in the mid 1990s to about 2008, playing, on average 2-3 times per week and hitting balls nearly every day.  I reached the point  where I could and would shoot mostly in the 78-84 range on any given round.  I even had a few rounds of 76, including one in Myrtle Beach, where we would frequently gather the family/friends and go for week-long golf trips.  Same with Florida.  I was in my 20s and early 30s, strong, flexible, former track/field state champ, baseball player, etc....golf was "easy" for me, until it all came crashing down one summer in Myrtle Beach.

 

Summer of 2008, I'm at my usual Myrtle Beach area courses on a golf trip, when suddenly I lost my swing, my touch, and my entire attitude/enjoyment for golf.  It was Lions Paw golf course, when it all fell apart.  I could hit it a mile, but in all the wrong directions.  How about a 285 yard hook into the next fairway?  Or hit a nice drive, then totally air-mail the approach to the green by 30 yards, then chunk two chips trying to get on the green where I 3 putt?  Or, hit a 280 yard power slice into the forest OB?  Add in about 11 of the greens 3-putting and I end the round with a score of 101.  I did this same thing for an entire week and had a miserable trip. I couldn't figure out why and I was too prideful and maybe "cheap" to seek help.  I'll figure this out on my own.....and I never did.

 

I came home and it continued.  One day, after a four-man, best-ball tournament, playing like a total beginner hack, I put the clubs away; gave them to my wife's club-pro relative, and gave it up.  I told him that it's just not fun anymore and, at the time, with two young toddlers and a very stressful job, I wanted a break from golf.  

 

After all, golf is expensive, and why pay lots of money to just be bad at something?  From my perspective, it's not fun to play poorly.  Anyway, this "break" from golf lasted 15 years.  I was 35 when I gave it up, now I'm 50 and just now am trying to get back into the game slowly.  Now, however, I realize that I have lost my speed, flexibility, and some of the mobility that I had 15 years ago.  I'm ok with that and now have much lower expectation.  Looking back on it all, I believe that my frustration was rooted in unrealistic expectations.  Sports always came fairly easy to me, so why would golf be any different?  I set the bar very high in my mind and, when I failed to reach that bar (i.e. bad shots, poor putting, etc.) that tension would creep in and get me upset.

 

All good stuff. 

 

I think the tragedy of my buddy is that his eccentric motion isn't going to be fixed with time away. He really needs a good year of swing work. He needs to get with a good instructor and work it. 

 

I did that a few years ago. I guess subconsciously I just wanted to be able to play golf and have fun, to be good enough that I didn't have to be disappointed in myself all the time. Those lessons really helped a lot. 

 

But alas, my buddy has a young family and a busy job. He doesn't seem to want to carve out time for golf as a project. So in the end, IDK, maybe there's no real option here for him. I think he just doesn't have the energy to do that sort of thing with golf. And that's the shame of it all. I honestly just wish he could find the inspiration. 

 

It sounds a bit like you regret taking that time away and that's how I think my buddy would feel. He's too capable to just give up. But it's no longer fun, at least not at this particular moment. From my perspective he just needs to grind through it.

 

I felt like I was over-invested last year. I stopped for about a month in the heat of summer. I needed a break. There's nothing wrong with that, but I think my buddy needs to actually work on his swing which will require more motivation. 

 

 

.

Edited July 18, 2023 by MelloYello

[MelloYello]

2 hours ago, mshills said:

OP is getting way too deep into his buddy’s game. I’ve never come close to analyzing someone else’s game, approach to learning, mental state, etc. like that. Unless we are competing I don’t typically even know what someone else shot. 
 

I would chat with him about golf course anger if you want. Let him know that it’s bringing you down, and we should have fun out there, right?  Beyond that, let him figure out his own game.

 

...eh, kind of hard to ignore the guy when he's constantly talking. 

 

I get your point but when you're playing as a 2-some and he's obsessed with how bad he's playing, it's sort of impossible to do what you're describing. 

 

Obviously I try to stay positive and remind him of the good stuff, but at some point that becomes patronizing, too. 

[MelloYello]

52 minutes ago, Bye said:

He sounds like he is lucky to have a friend like you, many people would have slowly stopped playing with him from what you have said.

 

If the situation is becoming detrimental to your game etc, then you need to take care of that.

 

It doesn't sound like he has any goals. Does he have a handicap? 

 

 

 

I appreciate it.

 

He does keep a handicap which is normally around 10-12 but it's going up obviously. 

 

I want him to keep playing. I'm good friends with him. We've worked together in the past. We sometimes hang out. We'll go to the bar. We'll lend a hand to the other with yardwork when necessary. 

 

He's a good guy in a lot of ways. 

 

I just really wish he'd buckle down here I guess, but at the same time, I see it as probably being very hard. Not only because of the position he's in life-wise, but also because I suspect golf as a project could be more complicated and long-term for him because of his "swing flaws." 

 

If he was simply going downhill but otherwise had a great attitude out there, that'd be fine. 

 

.

Edited July 18, 2023 by MelloYello