Could Use A Laugh....

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  • LokiLoki Members Posts: 1,109 ✭✭
    Argonne69 wrote:

    Loki wrote:


    Two Irish guys walk out of a bar...




    Well, it could happen.




    Exactly.
  • thug the bunnythug the bunny Members Posts: 6,140 ✭✭
    DavePelz4 wrote:


    Why did the little girl wash Thug the Bunny? Because her hare was dirty.




    Dirty enough to make a hooker blush..
  • PetethreeputPetethreeput Members Posts: 1,420 ✭✭
    So an anatomy professor felt like he was losing the women's interest in the class so he decided for the next class he was going to engage the very plain girl who always sits in the first row.



    "So today we are going to explore involuntary muscle spasms. And everyone likes ****, so..."



    The professor continues, "Susan, do you know what your ***hole is doing when you are having an or***sm?"



    "Yes I do. Usually playing golf."



    Please remove if this too "colorful"



  • EKELLYEKELLY Posts: 2,593 ✭✭
    edited Feb 26, 2017 #95
    My buddy used to blow his nose on the ball washer towel, and to this day I can't touch one, even if I'm 1200 miles away from the scene of the crime....lol
  • gretchgretch Posts: 806
    EKELLY wrote:


    My buddy used to blow his nose on the ball washer towel, and to this day I can't touch one, even if I'm 1200 miles away from the scene of the crime....lol




    That is on par with taking a leak on the collar of the green, worse even as it is guaranteed many people are going to touch it.



    Your buddy sounds like a ****.
  • gsea33gsea33 Members Posts: 667 ✭✭
    EKELLY wrote:


    My buddy used to blow his nose on the ball washer towel, and to this day I can't touch one, even if I'm 1200 miles away from the scene of the crime....lol




    Not funny and you need new friends, seriously you hang with an **** like this.

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  • Ghost_OrchidGhost_Orchid Golf Junkie Posts: 2,063 ✭✭
    A guy walks into the confessional and say 'Father, I have to confess, I was unfaithful with the new girl in town'. Father says 'say 10 Hail Marys and don't do it again.



    Week 2, another man confesses 'Father, I've been unfaithful with the new girl in town, her name in NookieGreen'. Father says 'say 10 Hail Marys and don't do it again.



    Week 3, same thing...'Father, the new girl in town, NookieGreen is beautiful and I broke my wedding vows....' Father '10 Hail Marys...'



    The following Sunday, the Father is preparing for the Sermon when the Church door opens and this beautiful red head steps in. She's wearing a green dress, with green gloves, green hat and shiny green shoes. As she walked to the front pew, the men were wide mouthed, the ladies all whispered to eachother.



    Sitting in the front pew, she crosses her legs (think Basic Instinct), no underwear....the Father gasps and wonders aloud 'Is that NookieGreen?' One of the alter buys says 'no Father, it's just the reflection from her shoes'
  • sumedsumed ClubWRX Posts: 57
    Two drunks stumble out of a bar...one asks, "is that the Sun or the Moon?" the other replies. "beats me, I don't live around here."
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  • touchtouch Asheville, NCCharter Members Posts: 3,425 ✭✭
    edited Aug 29, 2017 #100
    Dying is a lot like camping. I don't want to do it.
    Post edited by Unknown User on
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  • Argonne69Argonne69 Members Posts: 19,989 ✭✭
    The Streetlight Effect:


    "[background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]A policeman sees a drunk man searching for something under a streetlight and asks what he's up to. He says he lost his keys and they both look under the streetlight together. After a few minutes the policeman asks if he is sure he lost them here, and the drunk replies, no, and that he lost them in the park. The policeman asks why he is searching here, and the drunk replies, "The light is better here[/background]".




    I always loved this one because it's extremely applicable at work where we often waste time focusing on the wrong thing simply because it's easier than tackling the difficult problems.
  • DavePelz4DavePelz4 A golf course in the Chicago area.ClubWRX Posts: 24,237 ClubWRX
    Did you hear about the tractor salesman who received a John Deere letter from his wife?
  • ladygolfer2ladygolfer2 Members Posts: 14 ✭✭
    edited Mar 2, 2017 #103
    Husband wakes his wife with a kiss on a Saturday morning.

    He says, "Golf course or intercourse?"

    Wife replies, "Take a sweater, it might be chilly out there."
  • DavePelz4DavePelz4 A golf course in the Chicago area.ClubWRX Posts: 24,237 ClubWRX


    Husband wakes his wife with a kiss on a Saturday morning.

    He says, "Golf course or intercourse?"

    Wife replies, "Take a sweater, it might be chilly out there."




    Reminds me of when Mrs. Pelz said early one morning..."Honey I want to be frisky like was when I was 16..."



    So I asked if her old boyfriend was back in town.
  • golfandfishinggolfandfishing Members Posts: 3,392 ✭✭
    Guy gets up for his weekly early, first off Saturday morning tee time, walks outside and it is pouring rain. Goes back in, walks upstairs and snuggles next to his wife, kisses her neck and says "It's really coming down out there". Half awake she snuggles back and says "I know, can you believe my idiot husband is playing golf in this?"
  • MedicMedic Members Posts: 9,417 ✭✭
    Have you heard about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?
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  • The other day while playing golf I hit two of my best balls.



    I stepped on a rake
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    Nate



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  • finleysgfinleysg MinnesotaPosts: 1,235 ✭✭


    Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks during your first three months here.




    The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, "The ducks? "Yes," St. Peter replies, "There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band. It really breaks the tranquility, and If you hit one of the ducks, you'll be punished, Otherwise everything is yours to enjoy. ”






    Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks.



    St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, "Who hit the duck?” The guy who had done it admitted, "I did.” St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.”



    The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman. He cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said; "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.”



    The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even play for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months, he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman - the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.



    The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud, "I wonder what I did to deserve this?"



    The woman responds, "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."
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  • Petunia SprinklePetunia Sprinkle Future King of France Members Posts: 5,355 ✭✭
    Of the recently deceased arsonist, longtime friends said "he had a smile that could light up a room."
  • NoTalentLeftyNoTalentLefty Members Posts: 3,441 ✭✭
    Why are frogs so happy? They eat watever bugs them! What do you call a woman with a frog on her head? Lilly. Whats a frogs favorite game? It's croak-et! What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common? Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth! What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night! What do you get when you cross a frog and a pig? A lifetime ban from the Muppet Show studio. How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs? They sit eggsaminations! Why are frogs so good at basketball? Because they always make jump shots. How do frogs die? They kermit suicide! What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad? One says ribbit ribbit, and thie other one says rub-it rub-it! What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad! What do you call a talking frog? A quantum leap. What's a frogs favorite flower? A croakus! What do you call a frog hanging from a ceiling? Mistletoad. How do you make frog legs? In a croak=pot. Whats the preferred car of frogs? The Beetle. What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog? A croaker spaniel! What do you get when you cross a gator and a poison frog? A croakadile. What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad. What do you call a rich frog? A golf blooded amphibian! What do toads drink? Croak-a-cola! What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry? A hoppercraft! Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road? He was afraid of getting toad! What is worse than finding a maggot in your apple? Finding half an apple! Where do frogs keep there money? In the riverbanks! What do frogs drink? Hot croako! What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad? Star Warts! What kind of shoes to frogs like? Open toad sandals!



    source: http://www.jokes4us.com/animaljokes/frogjokes.html
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  • Argonne69Argonne69 Members Posts: 19,989 ✭✭


    Why are frogs so happy? They eat watever bugs them! What do you call a woman with a frog on her head? Lilly. Whats a frogs favorite game? It's croak-et! What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common? Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth! What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night! What do you get when you cross a frog and a pig? A lifetime ban from the Muppet Show studio. How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs? They sit eggsaminations! Why are frogs so good at basketball? Because they always make jump shots. How do frogs die? They kermit suicide! What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad? One says ribbit ribbit, and thie other one says rub-it rub-it! What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad! What do you call a talking frog? A quantum leap. What's a frogs favorite flower? A croakus! What do you call a frog hanging from a ceiling? Mistletoad. How do you make frog legs? In a croak=pot. Whats the preferred car of frogs? The Beetle. What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog? A croaker spaniel! What do you get when you cross a gator and a poison frog? A croakadile. What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad. What do you call a rich frog? A golf blooded amphibian! What do toads drink? Croak-a-cola! What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry? A hoppercraft! Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road? He was afraid of getting toad! What is worse than finding a maggot in your apple? Finding half an apple! Where do frogs keep there money? In the riverbanks! What do frogs drink? Hot croako! What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad? Star Warts! What kind of shoes to frogs like? Open toad sandals!



    source: http://www.jokes4us..../frogjokes.html




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  • b.heltsb.helts Members Posts: 2,825 ✭✭
    Three old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, “Did you guys have a good game today?”

    The first old guy said, “I had the most riders ever. I had five.” The second old guy said, “I had 7 riders, the same as last time.” The last old man said, “I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today!”



    After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, “I’ve been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what’s a rider?”



    The pro said, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart."
  • 8thehardway8thehardway Posts: 1,900 ✭✭
    Bored with their flat, open muni a foursome of hackers goes to an upscale course. The first guy up looks down the narrow, tree-lined fairway, tees it up near the left side, takes a mighty swing and completely misses the ball. He re-positions his ball near the right marker, lunges at it furiously and whiffs it again. Frustrated, he tees off from the center and using a calm, deliberate swing hits a 100-yard worm-burner. Walking off the tee box he turns to his friends and says "tough course".
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  • dciccorittidciccoritti An inch an hour, 2 feet a day Posts: 1,509 ✭✭


    Bored with their flat, open muni a foursome of hackers goes to an upscale course. The first guy up looks down the narrow, tree-lined fairway, tees it up near the left side, takes a mighty swing and completely misses the ball. He re-positions his ball near the right marker, lunges at it furiously and whiffs it again. Frustrated, he tees off from the center and using a calm, deliberate swing hits a 100-yard worm-burner. Walking off the tee box he turns to his friends and says "tough course".




    LMAO!! Possibly the best golf joke I've heard in years :-)
  • Fader2103Fader2103 Members Posts: 7
    edited Mar 10, 2017 #116
    This is a joke my grandfather told me.



    St. Peter, Jesus and God are all playing golf. On the 18th hole, the green is surrounded by water.

    St. Peter steps up and knocks it onto the green.

    Jesus is next and hits the ball and misses the cup by inches.

    God gets up and knocks the ball straight into the water, Jesus and St. Peter start laughing.

    At that moment a bird dives into the water, and flies out with a frog. The bird then flies over the green. The frog drops a golf ball that rolls into the cup. God looks at both men and says "Hole in one fellas."



    St. Peter looks at Jesus and says. "I hate playing with your daddy"
  • Bob CatBob Cat Golfopath Members Posts: 1,539 ✭✭
    4th grade classroom, teacher asks the class to use "fascinate" in a sentence.

    Sally: "My family and I went to the zoo and it was fascinating". "Sorry", says the teacher, "not quite".

    Sammy: "I watched the Cubs win the series and was fascinated". "Again, close, but not exactly", remarked the teacher.

    "Brooklyn Johnny, can you use the word fascinate in a sentence?", asked the teacher.

    "Sure!", he exclaimed. "My aunt Milly wears an 8 button sweater but her b**bs are so big she can only fasten 8!"
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  • J-BladeJ-Blade Members Posts: 739 ✭✭
    Man goes to see his doctor.. "Doc, I don't know what's wrong with me. All day long I keep repeating, 'tepee, wigwam, tepee wigwam."



    "That's easy, says the doc, You're two tents"
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  • Argonne69Argonne69 Members Posts: 19,989 ✭✭
    Last night I watched the "Mountains" episode of the BBC series "Planet Earth II". They showed a flock of Andean flamingos that live at 4000 meters in a shallow lake. At night the lake freezes, so the birds are stuck knee high in the ice in the morning. None of them appear to be smart enough to stand on the shore. Lol.



    After the sun has been up for a while the ice starts to melt, and then the nutty birds start walking on the thin ice. The sight of a long-legged bird trying to walk on ice was a riot. On top of that, they keep falling through. Too funny.



    They finish with their goofy looking mating dance. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KW8GX2n4qbY)
  • Argonne69Argonne69 Members Posts: 19,989 ✭✭
    I couldn't figure out why the baseball was getting bigger.

    Then it hit me.
  • From_Parts_UnknownFrom_Parts_Unknown Members Posts: 1,797 ✭✭


    The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, " Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."


    “Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."


    The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments, a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.


    "Yes?" said the Instructor.


    “I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries my golf bag?"
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