Golf and kids

[Golferguy209]

Hey golfwrxers,

I’m a new dad to a beautiful baby boy but I love playing golf. I know I’ll get to play when I get to teach my son the game. I’m curious how current dads have negotiated with your spouse to allow you to go play/practice and how frequent that was. I think a fair compromise is one round a month. Thanks I’m advance for your comments. 

[Jc0]

Why are you looking for a compromise? It's a simple as you have to cover for your wife the same amount she covers for you. So if you practice for an hour or play golf for six expect to be on the clock the same amount when you get home. I pretty much play as much as I want along as long as that rule is followed. 

 

There can be scheduling conflicts but playing/practicing at consistent times makes them easier to deal with. 

[ldchristopher]

If you’re willing to tee off early (6:00 AM or earlier in the summer) and can play 18 in 3 hours or less, then your overall round amounts won’t go down too much during years 1-3 of your son’s life. Mine went for 100-110 per year to 70-80. If you’re the type of person who needs to hit 75 balls to warm up, will only tee off after 8:00 AM, and traditionally budget 5-6 hours per round, then you’re screwed. But regardless, don’t fart around after the round. 4-5 hours away from home can’t turn into 6-8. Also, there are going to be days where the weather is perfect, it’s ideal golf weather, and you need to be on dad duty. That’s just kind of the way it goes. All totally worth it though. Parenthood is awesome. 

[david.c.w]

Here is my chart from a different thread.

 

 

The kid years are a little exaggerated but not by much.  The only people who can answer this question are you and your wife.  Playing zero golf is not realistic.  Playing 100 rounds is not realistic.  You need to find what makes you BOTH happy.  Marriage + kids is about compromise.  My youngest is now late teens, and I wish I had acted less selfish when they were younger.  I have seen a million soccer, basketball, tennis, lacrosse, swimming, baseball, band, and dance events.  However I was not always present during the downtimes.  The next few years are about you and your family growing together.  Make 100% sure to take care of yourself, but understand that your simple presence speaks volumes to your kids and your wife.  Even if you are not actively cooking/cleaning/reading/playing, being there to support your family, especially your wife, is paramount. 

 

Also, don't say you will be home by 12:30 and roll in at 2:45.  It will not end well.

 

[Hawkeye77]

Never had to negotiate anything with my wife or vice versa. 
 

Just take life as it comes.

 

Never “worried” about time for golf. Sometimes I played little, sometimes more, never thought about time not doing something else when spending time with family (which also included golf).

[Llortamaisey]

15 hours ago, Golferguy209 said:

I know I’ll get to play when I get to teach my son the game.

My son became interested in golf very young and someone told me “that’s great! You’ll get to play all the time.” Well that was a lie. We go to the range and I don’t get to hit balls because he wants me to watch every shot. I’m caddying for him on weekends instead of playing myself. And we go out of town to his travel golf tournaments instead of playing in the fourballs and calcuttas that I use to dominate. It will probably change for the better of my game once he becomes a teenager, however at the current moment the chart that was posted earlier is pretty accurate (relative to how much you played before) even if your son plays golf. Keep in mind that I am making a choice to prioritize his golf over mine, so mileage may vary if priorities were different. 
 

As far as your wife goes, just try to maintain your frame and always remember that there’s only one steering wheel in vehicle of a relationship. 
 

 

[Ferguson]

23 minutes ago, Hawkeye77 said:

Never had to negotiate anything with my wife or vice versa. 
 

Just take life as it comes.

 

Never “worried” about time for golf. Sometimes I played little, sometimes more, never thought about time not doing something else when spending time with family (which also included golf).

 

Same here. 

 

 

OP,

It's not about you anymore.  The key is genuinely letting your wife know (either by spoken word or actions) that you are thinking of the family first.  There is a great journey between now and when you think your son will play.  Love them when they are little.  It doesn't last long.  Before you know it, they are in college or whatever and gone. 

 

[Denny100]

16 hours ago, Golferguy209 said:

Hey golfwrxers,

I’m a new dad to a beautiful baby boy but I love playing golf. I know I’ll get to play when I get to teach my son the game. I’m curious how current dads have negotiated with your spouse to allow you to go play/practice and how frequent that was. I think a fair compromise is one round a month. Thanks I’m advance for your comments. 

 

one round in an entire month is fair? whats the point in bothering if its for one day in a month???

 

Surely there must be some arrangement you can make to go maybe once a week or something surely??? even if you have to schedule it at a different time of day?

[bcjim]

Depends some on what you and your wife do but if golf and fatherhood were incompatible there would be a lot fewer golf courses.

Read the other thread linked above. 

[golfpractitioner5]

So, I have a job that allowed for golf 3-4 times a week prior to kids.  When my daughter came along 2.5 years ago, my golf dropped to once a week due to moving my schedule and my wife's schedule around so that we did not have to rely on outside childcare.  We have now added a baby boy in the mix that is 6 months old and golf has dropped to once every 2 weeks.  This is the nature of having a family and doing checks and balances.  I could play more, but time spent as a family far exceeds my love for golf.

 

Do I miss my 3-4 rounds a week?  Yes

Does it bother me that I do not get to play more than once every couple weeks now?  Not in the slightest because I know those days will come back eventually, but I will never be able to get back time with my young kids or those days that we all get to be together as a family while they are little.

 

With that said, my wife and I work with each so that we have at least one day every 2 weeks to get out and do our own thing.  Mine being golf and hers being antiquing.

 

The one thing I will say with my wife is that she made the suggestion after our 2nd child was born about figuring out a way to put a golf simulator in the garage because she knows I miss getting to play on a regular basis.  I am in the process of getting that figured out and put in now.  

[kekoa]

First off, congrats on fatherhood.  It will be a tough few months while both you and the wife become acclimated to parenthood.   During this time, it is important for you to have the conversation with your wife regarding golf sooner than later.  Family will always come first, but do not let go of your hobby or chances are you will not get it back.  When I had my first kid, I basically gave up the game for a few years.  Not only was I dead tired a lot of the time, but on the occasion I was able to get out, my game was gone and I just didn't find it enjoyable anymore.  Once my first was about 2 yrs old, I finally got back out there to practice and play on a more consistent basis.  As I had more kids, the process just repeated itself.  Fast forward to today, I have 4 kids now.  With more kids, comes more outside activities along with expenses.  I though getting my son into golf would help me play more, but the exact opposite has happened.   In looking at my peer group, the guys who are playing the most golf right now either have no kids, 1 middle aged kid, or kids in college.   

[blaird]

Im trying to find this balance still and mine is about to turn 2. My wife and I are both teachers and coaches. So we have daycare during the summer (have to pay for it or we lose our spot come August). During the summer and breaks, I play in our mens game on Wed, Fri, and Sun. Usually the kid is at daycare during the week and on Sundays my wife will take him to her dads for a bit or to a park or something and then they both will join me when I get done. She'll usually socialize and have a drink at the club while I chase the kid around the putting green or clubhouse. I always offer to watch him on a any night or day if there is something she wants to go do with her friends as well so it works out as a good balance for us. 

 

I definitely dont get to practice like I used to or want to and dont travel anymore for tournaments but there are still some local events I can play in. Watching him swing his little plastic clubs in the backyard is always fun and gives me hope that he will be into golf as he gets older. On the other hand, listening to him bang things on the coffee table make me think drums could be in his future as well!!

[PJE]

7 hours ago, Ferguson said:

Love them when they are little.  It doesn't last long.  Before you know it, they are in college or whatever and gone. 

Truer words have not been written. 
Regarding frequency of play, it will vary by individual but when you do play try not to make an all day thing out of it. But one round monthly seems reasonable. 
I didn’t play much when the kids were young. My wife and I were on opposite schedules. I probably got in 2-3 rounds yearly and a few range sessions. 

Later, my wife and I were able to get on the same schedule and as my son got older he teed it up with me; wonderful times. 
My son played baseball but he was not on travel teams. Today, travel youth sports seems to be the norm so that may effect you at some point. But every kid is different. 

I don’t regret the time spent away from the game.  

Edited February 5 by PJE

[StudentGolfer4]

Everyone’s arrangement is different. Just find what works best for you and your family.

 

Another thing that helps is scheduling golf around their naps. If your kid is napping 1-4 try teeing off at 12 so you don’t miss as much of their awake time. I have a couple buddies that want to play at 8am and that’s the absolute worst time for me. When this happens I have to leave for the course before he’s up and I’m getting home right before nap and unable to help my wife at all that morning. Not to mention I’ll only see him from 4-8 or whatever that day. 
 

Yearly golf trip I go on with a group of 16. 10 guys have kids. The one without kids all play the most rounds per year. The dads with 9-5 jobs play the least. 

[Warrior42111]

Daughter just turned 2.

 

Seeing how you're married and having a kid I'd assume your communication is at least at an ok level and solely not just transactional and negotiating. I don't have a schedule per se but I tend to golf once a week and play a 9 hole work league. Depends on our schedules and what's going on during the week but I cover for her, she covers for me for her hobbies or activities. 

 

I will say 2 things I've learned in fatherhood these past two years. First, the it takes a village statement is so true. Obviously not everyone has that luxury, but it helps tremendously. Also don't forget your spouse. Have a baby sitting go out for a date night and have fun. Yes you need to take care of your baby, but don't forget to take of of each other and yourself.

[Ajota]

Everyone's situation is different, when i slowed down on golf it wasn't because of my kids, its I was fishing took over my life. Sold my boat and back to golf.

 

As mentioned, early morning weekend rounds are good, home in time for lunch and the rest of the day/afternoon to do whatever family activity. Just make sure to give your s/o the same freedom for their activities. 

[T Creer]

Practice or play 9 holes during nap-time and try to get in 18 holes in the morning or afternoon. Give the wife the other half of the day to her hobby. 

[Locked]

I've got 4 kids... 11, 9, 7, 2.  The good news is that once they are 11 and 9 you get dad points for taking them golfing and everybody is a winner.  

 

Hopefully your relationship isn't one where you have to negotiate but I get that sometimes its like that.  For me its pretty simple.  I VERY rarely play golf on weekends by choice because that's when I'm fully focused on the family.  If its during the week its taking away from work, not family, so anything is free game.  Not to say it doesn't drive my wife nuts sometimes ("oh so you can make time for golf but not for lunch with me!") but generally this works.  

[SammyShaf]

During this transition, it is important to make sure you both find ways to recharge your battery.  Score became much less important, and golf became more about connecting to friends.

[Ferguson]

If you guys get stuck, there is help.   @jonsnow will tell you, Liz Higgins is the best and she can help. 

Her firm provides a plethora of services. 

 

 

 

millenniallifecounseling.com

 

 

 

 

 

[vtpachyderm]

A lot of good advice already posted. One way to think is that golfing is now not 18 hole sessions with buddies, because that maybe isn't so easy to fit in with small kids. My kids are now 16, 14 and 12, and I picked up the game again when my youngest was 1 year old. There were a lot of quick 9 hole sessions in the evening or early morning (advantages of living this far up north in Norway), and very few 18 hole weekend rounds, but I got my golf fix in.

[RoyalMustang]

Playing 18 holes is time-consuming and doing so all the time is not really compatible with an involved family life. Neither are a lot of activities you may have done when you were younger such as going to the bar 5 nights a week or hitting Coachella and SXSW each year. 

 

Big picture; as a newborn parent, you still have time to do one hobby and do it pretty well. Just one though. For example, you can still run a marathon: you simply need to adjust your training schedule.  

 

Golf means different things to different people

1) I want to play and work on my game. That's easy enough if you don't need 25 hours/week to do so. You can be consistent and even improve on 6-8 hours a week. 

2) Golf is my "hang out with buds time". That's different; you can't just sign up for 18 Saturday, 18 Sunday, plus drinks in the bar afterwards and travel time and expect that to be cool with your significant other. Even in a no-kid relationship, that's not healthy. When I talk to guys who act like that, I figure they don't have a great relationship at home.  

 

Map out your weeks ahead of time, get in practice when you can, find off-times to play (such as evenings when the course may be empty and you can play more quickly), set up a home practice area.

 

I've been improving constantly over the past couple of years doing the following: 

 

1) I get to the course at 4 to 4:30 and leave at 6 to 6:30. I either work on my game for 2 hours (range, short game, and putting) or I warm up and walk 9. Alternately, I'll head over after dinner during summer. Nobody is out there after 6:30 anyways. My wife will often walk with me, and if we had a newborn, there's no reason we couldn't bring the baby in a jogging stroller. 

 

2) I take the same approach on weekends and will play 18 if time allows. If not, no worries. It isn't a priority. 9 is fine.  I'm flexible on time: I'd like to play with friends but then we are getting into 6-7 hours for a weekend round and travel time. That's often not feasable. Honestly, I'd rather golf separately, playing locally at my course (under 5 hours including travel time to and fro)  and then hang out with friends over beers some Saturday afternoon for a couple of hours. If I go off at 5pm on Sunday evening I can probably walk 18 and be home by 8:15.  

 

3) I have a local park where I can practice short game near my house. I putt on my home mat when I can.  

 

You may find that your game improves when you are more structured. As a cyclist, I've often heard this from other guys. Those that were full-time elites and just rode 25 hours a week lacked structure and often struggled to improve. Those racing at the pro level and putting in 12-16 hours per week accounted for every hour they were on the bike, rather than just putting in miles and getting better via big mileage.  

[Kacy]

Help keep the house clean, and get a range membership somewhere close enough that you can hit balls on your lunch break at work.

 

Believe it or not I enjoy golf much more now, 3 kids under 6. Play about 2 times a month but hit balls 2-3 times a week. When I play now I enjoy being out there with the boys/old men more than just worrying about my score!

[Long_Left]

I've never been a 100 rounds a year person, closer to 45-50, but my wife understands that golf is my stress outlet and I understand that my wife needs time to pursue her distractions as well. She knows well in advance my "tournament" schedule (couple bigger am events in the area every year) and she's aware of, and providing input on, dates being pondered/booked for the annual guys trip, in return she talks to me when there's a gals trip in the works. I haven't missed one in 27 years and I've never walked out the door to play golf with her mad at me for doing it. Two middle school age kids who play sports and do tons of extracurriculars, I don't miss games or life events for golf unless something gets scheduled after I've booked flights etc for a golf trip.  

 

Communicate, plan ahead, and accept that your (and her) plans will get stepped on at times. 

 

 

[golfheaven69]

When my kids were young I took one day for myself and my wife did the same. You need time to recharge. 

[akronswitness]

I went from golfing every Saturday morning to golfing once every other weekend. So 4x-5x per month down to 2x on average. 

 

Its all about trade offs and communication. We simply had a talk before the child was born about not giving up on our personal hobbies and we agreed that we both needed 'alone time' away from the house to maintain sanity. I can still golf practically whenever I want, but at the same time that means your going to be the one doing the child watching the next day while she is out doing whatever she likes to do. As long as you have that understanding that each weekend you both get a chunk of 'me time' then nothing will really change.

 

I would say the reason I golf less is more because I have way more stuff to worry about now on the weekends. Like going to the zoo, going to the park, going to the science center, having more family come stay for the weekend because they want to see the child, ect, ect. There is just less available free time to get out on the course and since free time is so valuable, I practically never go to the range anymore--straight to the tee box baby I got 5 hours lets do this lol

 

Edited February 13 by akronswitness

[jda]

Get your partner everything that they need.  Then, get your together time - this is important.  After this, you will get some your time.  It won't be much, but that is what having kids is.  Embrace this because babies are easy... you will have less time when the kid(s) start doing stuff.

 

Remember that you are not going through this alone.  Your partner has given up plenty too, and likely more than you.

 

Teenagers come and they don't want much to do with you for a while... so you will have time again.

[caeye0710]

I wish I could give some advice on this, but I'm sort of opposite end of the spectrum. Two little girls aged 5 and almost 2. My wife (used to play, greatly I might add) wouldn't care if I played both Saturday or Sunday. She knows it's something I love to do and it helps me decompress. My problem is I feel guilty when I give up half the weekend when I could be hanging out with them, so I'll often settle for getting in 12-18 holes once during the week (hasn't been good for my handicap). 

 

I guess if I could give any piece if help, I would say try to set expectations as early as possible. Like someone said above: make it clear that you are family first, but you'd like to level set on when/how much you can play without causing issues.

 

Family/kids or not, we are all human and we need our outlets. She does, too.

 

Best of luck!

[jho786]

So I have a 2.5 year old girl and an 8 month old boy and my rounds certainly have gone down since before the kids came along but my enjoyment of golf has changed.  I used to be very competitive and be grinding out on the range for hours and overly obsessing about getting better and practicing.  Now it's just a fun day out and great time with friends.  I genuinely get excited each time I get out for a round, which is usually only 1x a week at my club.

 

I do have a simulator at home but I use it less than I want only because I'd rather spend the time I come home from work with my kids and playing with them or just spending time together as a family.  When I do want to practice I make sure I help my wife put them to bed and get them ready for daycare the next day, do the house chores and when we're finally done then I usually will go practice in the garage.

 

LIke a lot of others have said, communicate that golf is your happy time and it gives you a mental stimulation that makes you happy and resets you from the whole work week and stresses of life.  I've had to change how I look at things around the house and instead of thinking oh that can stay there like that or this is fine, I have to think about how it affects the kids if they are around and can get into things.  It's about sharing the mental and physical load that kids put on parents to take care of them, so if you can brunt most of that so when you do want to play golf, your wife isn't drained from that load the rest of the time.

 

 

[hanginnwangin]

4 hours ago, jho786 said:

So I have a 2.5 year old girl and an 8 month old boy and my rounds certainly have gone down since before the kids came along but my enjoyment of golf has changed.  I used to be very competitive and be grinding out on the range for hours and overly obsessing about getting better and practicing.  Now it's just a fun day out and great time with friends.  I genuinely get excited each time I get out for a round, which is usually only 1x a week at my club.

 

I do have a simulator at home but I use it less than I want only because I'd rather spend the time I come home from work with my kids and playing with them or just spending time together as a family.  When I do want to practice I make sure I help my wife put them to bed and get them ready for daycare the next day, do the house chores and when we're finally done then I usually will go practice in the garage.

 

LIke a lot of others have said, communicate that golf is your happy time and it gives you a mental stimulation that makes you happy and resets you from the whole work week and stresses of life.  I've had to change how I look at things around the house and instead of thinking oh that can stay there like that or this is fine, I have to think about how it affects the kids if they are around and can get into things.  It's about sharing the mental and physical load that kids put on parents to take care of them, so if you can brunt most of that so when you do want to play golf, your wife isn't drained from that load the rest of the time.

 

 

This is pretty much my exact situation with a 20 month old and another one on the way in 7 or so months if things go well. I have a simulator at home so I am able to hit that as much as I can after I put my son to bed. He also likes to play in the garage so when we go outside we will hang out in there together and I'll do slow motion reps whenever I can. I love my simulator. It's a game changer if you have kids. Sure, it's not exactly like being on a course, but at least you're able to work on your swing and get that feeling of touching a club as much as you can. Anyone with kids that want to get better at golf but can't play on the course as much as you want, I would highly recommend it. If you can make the space for it and your wife is cool with it that is.

Edited February 27 by hanginnwangin