Best golf insults or one liners

2

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  • Hoodman22Hoodman22 Members Posts: 43 ✭✭

    Have a guy who never bothers to tend/pull pins
    Ask him “Do you know how much the pin weighs?”
    Answers “No”
    “How could you? Cuz you haven’t picked up a @#$&;* pin all day”

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  • Jackal66Jackal66 Members Posts: 237 ✭✭✭

    After someone hits a weak or bad shot
    "Hit it with your purse, Stella".

  • GolfNuts4GolfNuts4 Members Posts: 740 ✭✭✭✭✭

    "Other than distance and direction, that was a good putt"

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  • ohioglfrohioglfr Municipal Junkie Dayton, OhioMembers Posts: 792 ✭✭✭✭✭

    When someone sets up for a drive, ask them if they breathe in or out on the downswing.
    That will mess with their focus.
    -Harvey Penick

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  • Crazy About GolfCrazy About Golf Members Posts: 297 ✭✭✭✭

    @dcfas said:
    In less sensitive to gender days, the phrase, “Hit it, Alice” may have been heard every so often, usually after a short putt.

    It's actually Alliss.....for Peter Alliss. Not a reference to a female at all......so you're totally in the clear to keep using it!

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  • Crazy About GolfCrazy About Golf Members Posts: 297 ✭✭✭✭

    One time a buddy of mine outdrove me by a mile.....as we walked up to my ball, he looked at me and said, "You know, you really should take the cover off your driver before you tee off next time."

    I stole this one from an article I read years ago, but I dropped it on my pops:
    After we both teed off and arrived at my dad's ball, I said to him, "Hey Dad, did you hear they're building a new mall here in town???.....Yeah, between your ball and mine."

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  • eball33eball33 Mount VernonMembers Posts: 53 ✭✭

    I watched a guy top one about 20 yds off the tee and my buddy who is a great golfer asked him with a straight face" do you know what you did wrong there?" the guy thought he was about to get a good swing tip said "no what did i do?" then my buddy hit him with "you were standing too close to the ball AFTER you hit it!"

  • JedaigekiJedaigeki Members Posts: 275 ✭✭✭✭

    A favourite in our group is when someone fats their approach with a wedge- "that was a good shot, but I probably would've gone for it from there. Nice safe lay-up though..."

  • shakeyshakey OvenWRX 1 Members Posts: 5,793 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭

    Guy in our group pops his tee shot on 1 dead left out of bounds. Kind of weird guy that played a lot with us kills him with “460 CCs of forgiveness and still shanked it!” Roughly 10 yrs later we still give him grief about it.

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  • ldandrealdandrea dearbornMembers Posts: 28 ✭✭

    @ohioglfr said:
    When someone sets up for a drive, ask them if they breathe in or out on the downswing.
    That will mess with their focus.
    -Harvey Penick

    I'm going to do this to my brother next time we play!

  • ldandrealdandrea dearbornMembers Posts: 28 ✭✭

    @Crazy About Golf said:
    One time a buddy of mine outdrove me by a mile.....as we walked up to my ball, he looked at me and said, "You know, you really should take the cover off your driver before you tee off next time."

    I stole this one from an article I read years ago, but I dropped it on my pops:
    After we both teed off and arrived at my dad's ball, I said to him, "Hey Dad, did you hear they're building a new mall here in town???.....Yeah, between your ball and mine."

    I had a kid tell me that the other day. I fell for it hook line and sinker. I hit a great drive for me and he hit it at least 75 yards further.

  • ldandrealdandrea dearbornMembers Posts: 28 ✭✭

    @eball33 said:
    I watched a guy top one about 20 yds off the tee and my buddy who is a great golfer asked him with a straight face" do you know what you did wrong there?" the guy thought he was about to get a good swing tip said "no what did i do?" then my buddy hit him with "you were standing too close to the ball AFTER you hit it!"

    This is my new favorite!

  • LeoLeo99LeoLeo99 Members Posts: 4,254 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭

    If I out drive a bud, I'll walk to his ball in the fairway and act like it's mine. Either he'll correct me or I'll "realize" it. Then it's time to lay it on. I can't believe that's my ball way up there. Can't believe I out drove you by that much. You must not have hit yours that well.

  • bigred90gtbigred90gt Lefty Boomers Posts: 4,426 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭

    @BermBuster said:
    After a popped-up drive, "Did you just hit a pitching wood?"

    I like to call it the driver wedge.

    When someone hits a great drive, then proceeds to hit a miserable follow up, or bogey (or worse) the hole, there is always a “great drive” thrown out.

  • bigred90gtbigred90gt Lefty Boomers Posts: 4,426 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭

    @KAndyMan said:
    Overheard a guy tell his buddy who left his putt severly short “might have better luck using your purse next time”.

    We use that one a lot. “Hit it with your purse”. Sometimes it’s “why don’t you let your boyfriend hit the next one”.

  • rich srich s Members Posts: 732 ✭✭✭✭✭

    I played with 2 scratch golfers in a tournament a few weeks back. One of them topped it bad with his driver and left a big rut, about a foot long, in the ground in front of his tee from the ball. Other guy walked up behind it, looked carefully at it and said "great line!"

  • huckitchuckithuckitchuckit Members Posts: 74 ✭✭

    FISO - Fu** i'm still out

  • RichsgboxRichsgbox Members Posts: 108 ✭✭✭

    Got paired with a couple retirees. Shanked my driver in the 1st hole and after grounding my 3w on hole 2, old man says "obviously you don't golf. What do you do for a living?"

  • RichsgboxRichsgbox Members Posts: 108 ✭✭✭

    @ldandrea said:
    I played with a guy the other day who gave me the best one liner I’ve ever heard. I shanked my drive on the first tee and he turned to me straight faced and said “shake it off you had a bad lie”. I almost pissed myself! What’s the best one liner or insult you’ve heard on the course?

    Stealing this one. Lol.

  • ImpImp Fueled Members Posts: 6,022 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭

    @bigred90gt said:

    @BermBuster said:
    After a popped-up drive, "Did you just hit a pitching wood?"

    I like to call it the driver wedge.

    When someone hits a great drive, then proceeds to hit a miserable follow up, or bogey (or worse) the hole, there is always a “great drive” thrown out.

    I get that a lot. It's rather old when you hear it on every hole.

    --kC

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  • ImpImp Fueled Members Posts: 6,022 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭

    @huckitchuckit said:
    FISO - Fu** i'm still out

    USGA - U Suck, Go Again.

    --kC

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  • The Mad BomberThe Mad Bomber I seem to not like new things. Get off my lawn... Members Posts: 1,050 ✭✭✭✭✭✭

    My best original line - One of the guys I was playing with cold topped one after the fastest backswing you've ever seen. I came out with "The only thing faster than that backswing was your first time inside a woman". It got a good laugh from the boys.

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  • AppAlumAppAlum Members Posts: 779 ✭✭✭✭✭

    Had someone ask me if they had potential. Told them they had “the potential to take a lot of lessons”.

  • RichsgboxRichsgbox Members Posts: 108 ✭✭✭

    Heard a good one today. Got a buddy whos weakness has always been driving. After he pipes one down the middle of the fairway on the 1st hole, our other friend says "thats a nonconforming driver". Had me dying.

  • ThinkingPlusThinkingPlus South TexasClubWRX Posts: 1,720 ClubWRX

    "Get it close" for a 3' putt.

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  • aenematedaenemated Los Angeles, CAMembers Posts: 160 ✭✭✭

    @ThinkingPlus said:
    "Get it close" for a 3' putt.

    Aaaaand I'm stealing that one.

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  • touchtouch Asheville, NCCharter Members Posts: 3,472 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭

    When asked by a newcomer, " what's your handicap?"
    Reply
    " small dick and bad breath"
    They never see that one coming!

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  • dayvei214dayvei214 Members Posts: 80 ✭✭✭

    @rich s said:
    I played with 2 scratch golfers in a tournament a few weeks back. One of them topped it bad with his driver and left a big rut, about a foot long, in the ground in front of his tee from the ball. Other guy walked up behind it, looked carefully at it and said "great line!"

    ouch, thats like the guy that said to Bubba after he gave a spectator some sh**
    "Can you back up, you’re really not supposed to be back here,” Watson asked to the spectator.
    “Neither is your ball,” the fan replied.

  • bigred90gtbigred90gt Lefty Boomers Posts: 4,426 ✭✭✭✭✭✭✭

    @ThinkingPlus said:
    "Get it close" for a 3' putt.

    I like to tell them "your next one is good".

  • Wander BreadWander Bread Members Posts: 80 ✭✭✭

    My favorite one and a go-to
    Guy in the group hits a poor shot and is acting all confused as to how that happened.
    Response: I think you have a LOFT problem
    Wait for the guy to respond (a lot of times they go yeah you may be right)
    And then the next response: Yeah definitely a LOFT problem, Lack Of F*ucking Talent

    Got a guy with that the other day and the caddie who had been on mini tours for years and played with everyone from John Daly to Ernie Els lost it and had never heard it before. As long as you use it in the right situation it's a can't miss!

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