Wife accused me loving golf too much

[lchang]

My wife just accused me (again) of loving golf more than loving family time. That I pay so much more attention to planning my next golf round with buddies than to planning family day trips, activities, and vacations.

 

It's hard to argue with her. Golf takes up a lot of my leisure "mind share"--including being on golfwrx so much. One has to assume that she thinks this order of priorities is not the "right" order. I suppose most sane people would agree with her. :russian_roulette:

 

I'm not really sure what there is to do about it other than to being a better actor. Snapping back with "Well, yes! Golf is more important and that's just the way it is in my screwed-up head!" seems a bad idea. Actually somehow liking golf less (even after the atrocious 95 I just shot today) seems unlikely. So that pretty much leaves acting. Acting like I don't love golf so much. I suppose it's easier than having an actual mistress--I don't have to hide the very existence of golf--I only have to hide that I love her so much! :swoon: :man_in_love:

 

Anyone out there relate and/or have any tips?

[E401k]

She's right, well she always right (I'd bet)

But what is she really saying?

Sounds like she would like you to put some attention on her.

By no means am I any better then you at hiding my enthusiasm; however, you have to become aware enough that you are not putting your hobbies ahead of her feelings.

It's not a matter of doing one thing nice to by some time with her off your back. Think of this like working out, you must doing something daily that is special to her. Put in little efforts everyday and you will have all the time you desire to golf.

I'm sure fellow wrxers will have plenty of good tips, mine is: date your wife, put in the effort you did when you were dating.

Like the perfect golf shot... It all begins with a good set up.

[awr_84]

I just got off the phone with my girlfriend and she said "Okay, have fun making love to your golf clubs later. Goodnight" because she knows I am playing in the morning and like to prep my set the night before.

She has made comments about me prioritizing rounds with friends before spending time with her on the weekends. Told me how she feels that I put golf before her "Your first Love is Golf, I am second" and she really razzes me about browsing the forums day and night. She will go as far as saying that whenever I am in a good mood it must be because of golf. Either I played that day or bought something new!

Do I have an addiction to golf, yes. Do I prefer to play golf instead of sitting around the house, going to big cities surrounded by thousands of strangers, spending a ridiculous amount of money on food/drinks just because there's nothing else to do on a Sunday afternoon, HELL YES!

There are so many other things in the world that could take up as much if not more time than golf does and cost a lot more. We have a huge casino in our city that opened in 2013. I could be at the black jack table blowing next months mortgage payment. I could be down at the local Tap Room drowning my sorrows in alcohol. I could be spending my free time with another woman in a "platonic" friendship and making my girl feel uncomfortable.

Golf is a gentlemen's sport and if you can prove that to her than it's a win for the both of you. Don't tell her that she is lucky you're not doing any of the bad things I've stated above but instead allow her to share your excitement for the game. How it allows you to keep up friendships in the real world and not on social media, how you've been able to meet people with similar interests or about your discussion with someone who recently traveled to another country. Tell her how you've seen yourself progress as an individual player and you can't wait to get back out there next weekend. Women love that stuff!

My girl was taken back that I was going to be playing Sat, Sun and Mon. Instead of arguing I just told her how it was gonna be a HS reunion in yesterdays group, a bunch of guys spread out over 5 years of graduating classes. Today was gonna be with a restaurant owner and a guy who recently traveled to Vietnam, he was gonna tell me all about it. She went from feeling like I chose golf over her to being a part of my excitement to have quality time with the guys.

Granted it's easier for me since I am not married, do not have kids and don't live with her but my advice to you is just try and make her feel like she is a part of your golf life, in reality that's all they want

[wmblake2000]

It's like the suggestion when your arms and pivot are out of sync ... speed up the slow part.

Don't act like you love golf less. Up the quality of the time with her and kids. Don't drift back to golf when it's fam time.

[Nick6771]

You'll miss her when she's gone. Trust me on this.

[mdgboxx]

You sound like "that guy" who is convinced that he doesn't have to say "I love you" or bring her flowers because **She knows**...!

Also, you're

And you caught me b/c you make me sick!

[Big Ben]

It's a tricky situation and a slippery slope. I've been married 14yrs with two amazing children. My Wife and I aren't in a great place these days sadly. Yes it's about priorities but it's also about being good partners in life. Looking back sure I could've done more here an there but truth be told I don't think it would've ultimately made any difference. Yes I am a avid golfer but I'm not a cheat, I don't spend hours at the bar or strip joints. I don't take long trips with the boys anymore and I absolutely love my kiddos. I'm realizing this isn't about family time however a lack of intimacy (not sex) between her and I. It started after we had our second child and my career started to suffer due to the poor economy. Money and time sound about right? Will that ever change? Maybe if both of us truly want it but how often does that happen. I'm trying really hard to catch lightening in a bottle because I do love her but I will not pander. Women can be like wolves when they smell blood. Only you can determine what's right but be honest about your happiness as well. After all these years I now realize love is not grey it's black and white, you got it or you don't. Just one man's thoughts on a sensitive topic for many of us...BB

[sevenfourate]

[quote name='Big Ben' timestamp='1451297023' post='12770922']
It's a tricky situation and a slippery slope. I've been married 14yrs with two amazing children. My Wife and I aren't in a great place these days sadly. Yes it's about priorities but it's also about being good partners in life. Looking back sure I could've done more here an there but truth be told I don't think it would've ultimately made any difference. Yes I am a avid golfer but I'm not a cheat, I don't spend hours at the bar or strip joints. I don't take long trips with the boys anymore and I absolutely love my kiddos. I'm realizing this isn't about family time however a lack of intimacy (not sex) between her and I. It started after we had our second child and my career started to suffer due to the poor economy. Money and time sound about right? Will that ever change? Maybe if both of us truly want it but how often does that happen. I'm trying really hard to catch lightening in a bottle because I do love her but I will not pander. Women can be like wolves when they smell blood. Only you can determine what's right but be honest about your happiness as well. After all these years I now realize love is not grey it's black and white, you got it or you don't. Just one man's thoughts on a sensitive topic for many of us...BB
[/quote]

I have a beautiful wife - who looking back has put up with alot from me. Like you; im no cheater, the bills are always paid and i dont mistreat here, abuse her or the like. BUT; i've spent alot of time on 'me' in the past and not on 'us'.

Six months ago i realised this, we talked and i am making a real effort to make right my previous wrongs. We now make time together - even if its for small things like walking the dog, watching TV or doing the shopping.

And i'll tell you one thing; If building a decent golf game isnt hard enough - building and maintaining a great relationship is a whole new level.

Good luck.

[Ferguson]

She's not asking you to give it up, just for some [b]balance[/b].

Find it.

[Pondy]

[quote name='Nick6771' timestamp='1451291938' post='12770848']
You'll miss her when she's gone. Trust me on this.
[/quote]

No, you won't. Trust me on this.

I divorced my PIA 15 years ago. Just me, myself, and my cat now, and he doesn't care how much I golf, as long as his food dish is full when I leave.

[Forged4ever]

[quote name='Nick6771' timestamp='1451291938' post='12770848']
You'll miss her when she's gone. Trust me on this.
[/quote]Very Well said Bro!!!

And Changster, believe me Bro, you know as well as I do, you can't "act" with this Lady-

She's your wife and the Mother of Your Children....

One, she deserves better than that-

Two, she's your Wife and the Mother of your Children for Chrissakes....

She KNOWS You-

What, you think you're Jack Nickolson?

And then ya shoot in the 90s???

Bro, I was a self centered Dick, but at least I was Plus, lmao-

Ok, I understand the camaraderie, believe me I do, but as Nick said, and this doesn't have to be literally, as in her walking out the door-

I can't tell ya how many relationships where the lights are on but no one's home-

How would you feel if she "acted?"

Seriously Bro, how would you feel if she had another life outside of the one that you know and see every day and yet she "acted" when she was around you?

I'm only saying this because I was You x 2(and well, I was +2.7, lmao) and the most Beautiful, Incredible Woman I'd ever met walked out the door because even though I gave her everything, I didn't give her the only thing that she wanted.....

ME!!

I got lucky and got a mulligan-

Use your head Bro and read some of the serious posts here like Seven's above me-

This is coming from a Pro and a Man who's travelled a little further down the road than you have-

It sounds as though you have an Incredible Lady, a Great family and a nice life...

It's a frickin game Bro!!!

Ben's thoughts ring true for many, however I believe that he is in a different place then you.

A relationship goes through so many phases

It's like you have to keep falling in Love all over again every 7-10 years-

The Love that ya had when ya first said those words to her for the first time is different than the Love that you felt and spoke to her on the alter that day, which is different than the love that ya felt for her as you sat on the edge of her bed as you both held your first born which was different than the Love that you feel for her today-

Life brings changes, we change and if there is any hope to keep that "fire" burning, well, my Love better change too....

And it may not, or the day may come when one does not fall in Love all over again-

At least be Man enough to bid your adieus and exit stage right if this day ever comes-

Don't cheat, don't lie, and don't "act."

Anyhoo, getting back to your situation, prioritize, grow up and give 100% to wife and family just as you do your golf game and buds-

And for God's sake.....

95?!?

After ya get your home life in order, get yourself a good Teacher!!!

Well Bro, I wish You and Yours the Very Best

You're a lucky Man!!

Happy New Year

Fairways & Greens 4ever My Friend,
RP

[nova6868]

Spending time with buddies is important. I realize that as I get older. I also realize women will constantly try to change you and mold you, and I'm not even sure if they know what they're molding you into or if they will even like the finished product. Many a great men have been molded into whimpering begging wimps only to be dumped or cheated on because "you've changed".

Can't believe no one has asked this about the golf issue. How much are you playing? How much are you on your phone looking at golf? Is it excessive?

[bwrichmond]

[quote name='nova6868' timestamp='1451304898' post='12771030']
Spending time with buddies is important. I realize that as I get older. I also realize women will constantly try to change you and mold you, and I'm not even sure if they know what they're molding you into or if they will even like the finished product. Many a great men have been molded into whimpering begging wimps only to be dumped or cheated on because "you've changed".

Can't believe no one has asked this about the golf issue. How much are you playing? How much are you on your phone looking at golf? Is it excessive?
[/quote]

This... Sometimes the expectations simply aren't realistic... Don't know if that's the case here, but it's worth looking into further.

[Forged4ever]

[quote name='nova6868' timestamp='1451304898' post='12771030']
Many a great men have been molded into whimpering begging wimps only to be dumped or cheated on because "you've changed".
[/quote]HaHa, I don't know about the "whimpering begging wimp," though I definitely mailed in my Man card, lol-

But that's ok cuz I've got enough left to satisfy her and keep my Buds happy, lol-

I just put her #1 and I'm comfortable at #2, lol

I just tried to find the happy medium between a Self-Centered Dick and a "whimpering begging wimp," lol.

I am a very kind, giving and compassionate Man....

Until the time comes to cease being kind, giving and compassionate

Excellent Post Bro!!

Happy New Year

All the Best,
RP

[justasgood]

At 52 I gave my wife an ultimatum

Sex or golf.........i now have multiple overuse injuries from all the golf I play..

[Boricua Golf]

I went through the same thing a while ago (well years ago), I have been deployed five times, a few times back to back, and my way to deal with stress was to play golf...she said that I loved golf more that I loved her, I have been married for 25 years and had good times and not so good times, I tell you what changed, I got blown up in Iraq and was out for 17 months, during this time she was always at my bedside and at my physical therapy encouraging me to get better, I realized that golf is a game and has to be treated as such, yes you can find another woman but nobody knows you like your wife does (at least in my case), what I do now is that I have one day on the weekend to play golf (mostly Saturdays) and maybe one or two days to practice, which I only go once, now that I am close to retirement and will have a bit more time to play, I will stick to the one day on the weekend...make a plan and set time for her, go to the movies, a walk, go the mall, bring her a flower once in a while (don't have to be a dozen roses), I love golf, believe me, but it will always be there and your wife will not, set your priorities straight and things will work out, take care and happy holidays...

[J13]

Define expectations and find a balance or your marriage is over.

[Sean2]

One of my friend's, who is an outstanding golfer, has a brother who plays occasionally. Well, the brother's girl friend has started playing and is completely and utterly hooked. Now the brother is dealing with a girlfriend who only wants to play and practice all the time!

[Roody]

I'm coming up on 17 years of marriage. My wife and I don't have kids. I've been playing golf since '95, and I can honestly say that I get at least 60 or more rounds in every single year.

I think the key to our success is that we have our own hobbies. I have golf, and she has things that she does on her own or with her friends. But we also find time to spend doing things together too. It's about trusting each other, and not feeling jealous if your partner is not spending every waking minute with you.

[Warrick]

It's all doable if it is all important enough to you.

I work 50 hours a week, volunteer around 350 hours a year for the community (coaching youth sports year round), workout with my kid, played 80+ rounds of golf last season, and still spent plenty of time with the family.

The one thing I had to accept to make it all work, is playing golf very early. We are first off every Sat and Sunday during the season. I tee off at 6:30, and am home before 11am. They both sleep til 10 on the weekends. The rest of the rounds I get in are half vacation day during the week, work til 10, play 18, home in time for Baseball practice.

It took a bit to find the balance, but the other key is having a partner that realizes your passion for the game.

[Tcann32]

I am often in your shoes on this OP. There are ways to make it better as most have said, but it also, in my case, has to do with her mindset as well. Her logic, which is impossible to argue, is that when I play golf, I am choosing golf over her and our daughter, because I could've chosen to spend time as a family, and I went golfing instead. This is the only point that I can't get around when she brings this up, because it's true. I legitimately chose to go golfing, which doesn't involve time with the family.

The best thing I can do, and have done is assure her that I am not golfing to specifically be away from our family, and that just because I go golf doesn't mean that it's more important, but all areas of importance in life to each individual deserve attention, and although our family is the most important, hands down, no questions, golf is important to me too and is something I also like to do.

If I want to continue playing a couple times a week, be it the range and 18 or a couple 18's, I have to make it work a different way. Early morning, evenings after work, etc.. The days I'm gone for 10 hours because me and the buddies hit a course an hour away, hit the range for 30 min before hand, and have a burger and a few beers after is a special occasion now and not every Saturday. If I make sure that things around the house are taken care of and that I am not intruding on her life too much, and show that I am making an effort to do so, I have found that the crap I get for golfing has gotten less.

Most the time she just needs the assurance that she comes first. For whatever reason I find that men can go a life time without assurance. We might, at most, only find other men to be competition for our woman's heart, but women seem to find all things as competition for their men.

My bottom line that I do my best to do is make sure that she is not stuck at home cleaning while I am out having fun because that's not fair. If she's envious of golf because of the time you put into it, do your best to put equal and more time into her. I try to make most Saturday rounds be followed up with a dinner date or something of that nature so when her mental spreadsheet comes out of I spent 4 hours golfing, I can at least hope she sees the equation to the dinner and whatever else we did as equal time spent.

Also, when I am home, I am home. Just like work, I do my best to leave golf on the range or course. I don't spend as much time on wrx or working on clubs at home so that she can see that when I golf, I get my fix, and spend more, quality time with her. I don't finish on the course, come home and tinker with clubs, then flip on the tv to catch as much of the final round as I can. I think in many cases the obsession can be tolerated, but with a family you simply can't be consumed.

I have found that these will not solve everything, and that the argument will still be there from time to time, but all you can do is strengthen your case and hope the gavel falls on your side more often.

[MtlJeff]

The best advice i can give anyone is marry a woman who has hobbies of her own. Every time i see one of my friends give up the game, it's because his wife has no hobbies of her own. So it starts off as gentle nagging about why he's away so much on weekends when they could be planning picnics or going out to breakfast together. They gets texts on the course "when are you going to be home" and end up skipping beers after the round....eventually they aren't allowed of the house alltogether.

My friends that still play golf after years of being married, usually their wives have things they like to do themselves. Maybe going to crossfit, playing a sport themselves, or simply having their own friends that they can hang out with. Too many times women just give up their hobbies, scale back their friends, and then they hate you for being away while they are at home alone

Of course, you have to be reasonable too, even if you are with a great woman with her own hobbies. You can't love golf more then your family, you can't spend all your disposable income on golf clubs and never take her out to dinner, and you can't leave your house at 8AM and be home at 8PM

life is a lot easier when you are reasonable and your spouse is reasonable.

[Texsport]

I'd say that a wife who needs all your attention may have mental issues!

I had a friend who's wife kept telling him the same thing, until one day out on a course, a bullet whizzed past his head. He hit the dirt and stayed down for a while, finally thinking it was a hunter's stray shot. Funny thing though, he said that he didn't get much reaction from his wife when he related what had happened. It was truly a warning sign he missed -------

Long story short, a few years later, his wife was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), with near psychotic, totally unfounded abandonment fears.

I'll let you read about that serious disorder on your own, but believe me - he doesn't miss her!

8-10% of the population is affected by BPD, so it's not uncommon.


Texsport

[ProphetLogic]

It really depends on how much time your talking about. If you spend a couple hours a week playing or practicing then that's reasonable. If you play 5 times a week while she's at home taking care of the kids, that's pretty unreasonable.

[Kaysquare]

I would imagine that most wives (who do not play golf) feel the same way about their husbands who are obsessed with golf (and if you're not obsessed with golf you wouldn't be on this site, right)? My husband "used" to be obsessed with golf, but rarely plays now, but he's the one who got me interested in golf so he knows he can't complain about my obsession with it. And he wouldn't dare!

Actually, I can understand why wives would feel that way, because they are usually more into doing things with their children & friends, and husbands who play golf just aren't there mentally sometimes. If they're not playing golf, they are usually thinking about golf, or watching golf, or reading about golf, or on this discussion board typing about golf, right???? Do I have the answer? Not really, because golf is so addictive & most golfers are so obsessed with it, it's hard to tell them to just "turn it off". Wives who don't play golf, will simply never understand I suppose. And if you have a young family it's even harder for them to understand. Unfortunately, a lot of the wives tend to take it personally & that's where the problems come into the picture, & I suppose a number of marriages have failed because of golf.

[The Big Pinch]

[2bGood]

What's the old saying? When a man leaves the house his distraction can be inter-course or golf-course.

My wife is good about golf, but it took sometime to show her why I love it, once she figured that out it was all good.

[YMark]

I love golf. I love my wife more.... a lot more.

I play a lot of golf. I play (do things) with my wife more, a lot more.

I've been married 26 years. Every time I tell my wife I'm going to play golf, she says "have fun, tell the boys hi".

Wife before golf. Not that hard and very rewarding.

[GHIN n Juice]

1) Do you have kids? If the answer is yes and you'd rather be out posting 95s well, then she probably has a point. If no...
2). Did you golf while you were dating or did golf come along later in life? If you golfed while you were dating are you playing more or less now? More, she has a point. Less, you have a right to some free time. But really...
3) Do you enjoy being married and spending time with her? If yes, dude, you just posted a 95. 95...go to dinner with your wife. If no, pull the effing plug then and let both of you get on with your lives.

And, for the record I've been married once for 14 years and have 2 kids. I play in two 9 hole leagues a week, occasionally on the weekends and about 5 tournaments a year. I practice at the range 2-3 times a week. At the same time I coach my daughter's basketball team and still find time to make it to her soccer games as well as my son's activities. My wife and I also take 1 week long vacation together, workout together, do bike rides and runs together and get out to dinner once a month or so.

Balance can be achieved...if you want it.

[Pepperturbo]

The age old problem of marrying or dating someone that doesn't golf or have related interests. Typically means the attraction was purely physical. Over my many years as a bachelor (dated till late 40's) I enjoyed plenty of women that didn't golf. In some cases, they had no outside interests, other than a job. Eventually, darn near every one of them had issues with my demanding work and related socializing schedule, golf, even my going to the gym. Essentially they wanted me to work less, and my undivided attention. Hell, some of them were even threatened by my life long friendships and having to attend certain events; yet everyone of them loved what my success gave them.

Long term dating or marrying that type person, they eventually complain about my time away, and it escalates to troubling statements like that of the OP's wife. The only way to show her your love is cut back on golf and or your other hobby's, to satisfy her wants. If she can push you that far, she eventually guilt you into giving up golf or what ever other interests you have. Some of them will even hold you back, career wise. Those type people are uninteresting and in some cases, down right borrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrringggggggggggggggggggg.