Does your golf score effect your self esteem?

[kowalgolf]

9 hours ago, CasualLie said:

@bladehunter said it best when he learned to focus on the process.  I am convinced this is one the important secrets of life/success - be present in all things you do.  Have a bad shot/round, own it and move on.  In a boring job, start paying attention more to the people around you.  There are so many things you can do to focus on the moment and not look too far ahead, and definitely spend very little time looking back.

 

I had mental breakdown at a big multi-day golf tournament / group outing, and it was a miserable few minutes here and there but mainly I just focused on the moment.  The cool sip of a well made martini, the laughs other guys were having, the laugh at my own ridiculous shots.  Did I feel bad?  Kind of.  It was more like a "wow...moment" as I faced the realization I was on the wrong path to get better.  So I took some time off, then set out on another process.  But never once was it tied to self esteem.

 

Golf is hard, like really, really hard.  To fail at it and then let it knock down your self-esteem off the course is pretty ridiculous.  Even putting it more mildly, to let it affect your mood in a negative way...there is absolutely nothing good that can come out of that.

 

But by all means, let a good round or a good shot put a smile on your face, bask in the glow, enjoy success, just for a little while, then get back to the process.  No doubt the 19th hole cocktail tastes extra special after a tournament win; especially when I see the looks on those smug faces I beat; the ones letting their self-esteem take a hit - don't be one of those guys.

 

@b.helts shared a very good story.  Among the things I took away from it, it was also a reminder that again, golf is hard.  I have come across so many good sticks in this game...really f'g good, but so far away from ever being on Tour.  A lot of them did have a tough transition when facing the reality that golf was not going to be their life.  The ones that got through it the fastest were the ones who latched onto a new process and treated it with a similar drive and passion as they did golf.

 

But again, be present in the moment.  It matters.

 

Well said. I need to read this daily.

[Wormkiller]

Taking up competitive golf this year has been a huge lesson in humility for me. It really is a totally different game compared to social rounds. Playing to the exact rules under pressure has shown me, to be honest, that I'm a lot worse at golf than I thought I was. Its hit my self-esteem at times when I think of all the hours and money I've put in to improving and yet I can still be prone to shooting high 100+ scores.

 

Its also made me appreciate and enjoy the process of trying to improve. I love practicing - its never a chore. Its something I genuinely love to do more than any other hobby I have.

 

I'll never give in. Its making me more resilient.

[Rocky Ball-boa]

7 hours ago, Wormkiller said:

Taking up competitive golf this year has been a huge lesson in humility for me. It really is a totally different game compared to social rounds. Playing to the exact rules under pressure has shown me, to be honest, that I'm a lot worse at golf than I thought I was. Its hit my self-esteem at times when I think of all the hours and money I've put in to improving and yet I can still be prone to shooting high 100+ scores.

 

Its also made me appreciate and enjoy the process of trying to improve. I love practicing - its never a chore. Its something I genuinely love to do more than any other hobby I have.

 

I'll never give in. Its making me more resilient.

 

Hey - this is brutally honest, and I appreciate reading it!

 

It shows real maturity to admit this, and deal with it the way you are 👍 So if anything, add some back to the self-esteem account for that!

 

For sure breakfast balls, gimmies, improving your lie, and skipping distance penalty for OB etc. can really rack up the strokes.

[NoTalentLefty]

Not any more. Thank God. 

[Lincoln_Arcadia]

In general, no, but like many of us I used to “feel gutted by a bad round”.

 

As of late, nothing seems to phase MY self esteem especially after reviewing the happenings of the United States and it’s politicians this past year. Pretty certain they’ve lost any semblance of self esteem long ago. Hahaha

[msg]

I used to get really affected with how I score after a game, especially when I was a teenager. I would be really miserable while playing or after playing. I cringe when I recall how I must have been around with my buddies. Ugh. But a few years back, thank goodness for friends who never gave up on me and some self realization and evaluation. 

 

1. Golf is hard. 

2. I am not that good at golf. 

3. Summer is short in Canada. 

4. Not everyone who wants to play golf can play golf. 

 

My golfing has become more enjoyable and I actually got way better because mentally I was in a great place when I play. Never have I ever recovered or salvaged this much games in my life in the last four years or so. My old self would just self destruct after a few bad holes. 

 

I now focus on the process and the fact that I am golfing and I can still golf (physical, health and financially) and I am not stuck at work or it is not winter. Those things alone makes me really happy to be out and not really care or give to much importance to my score. 

 

 

[lefthack]

I stopped keeping score on casual rounds a long time ago. It has zero impact on any aspect of my life, so it's one thing that truly doesn't matter. I sometimes keep score when playing with friends, but mostly because I'm beating them.

[otto6457]

When you try with all your heart, mind, soul, and money to play golf professionally, your self worth is easily diminished by failure to shoot the scores required.  Also, the loss of your sponsors money in your pursuit of your dream most definitely requires a large measure of self reflection and self evaluation.  At the time, my scores were my entire identity.  It's far from a healthy mental or physical state, but at that point in my life my scores defined who I wanted to be.  My failure changed the entire direction and purpose I had in my life.  It was a very difficult time for me and it was difficult for the people that loved me.

 

My golf scores no longer impact my happiness, purpose, self worth, or even my sleep. 

Edited October 6, 2021 by otto6457
spelling

[JetPilot]

For me, golf has become all about the relationships and conversations held over 4 hours.   Preferably under 3 hours and 45 minutes.  Some rounds are better than others, but that’s golf.  The only time I’m really upset leaving the course is if it’s an extremely slow round.  That kills my desire to play as I have too many other interests to get to.  

[A.Princey]

There’s nothing worse than getting pretty darned good at something, after countless years of practice and hard work, to only have it blow up in your face. We all have some borderline expectations of what a mediocre round entails, a ceiling of sorts that we arrive at, pre-round. Validation of one’s ability inevitably comes down to the final score for that day, and when we hang a really bad one out there, our whole perception of that ability gets questioned. Feeling one way, but performing the opposite is a real mind trip sometimes. 

[MikeG]

3 minutes ago, JetPilot said:

For me, golf has become all about the relationships and conversations held over 4 hours.   Preferably under 3 hours and 45 minutes.  Some rounds are better than others, but that’s golf.  The only time I’m really upset leaving the course is if it’s an extremely slow round.  That kills my desire to play as I have too many other interests to get to.  

Those were the days I hated the most, and to top it off I usually played horribly when things ground to a halt on the course.

 

When I first started playing a lot, my play had a big impact on my self-esteem. My wife and kids knew immediately when I had a good or bad day on the course, and while it didn't affect my relationship with them, I really question my perspective looking back on those times. Nobody important to me in my life ever really cared about what I shot on a given day. At my best I was about a 4 handicap or so, but I've been right around a 6 for most of the last 20 years. When I get my game back in order after my long break, I imagine I'll be right around a 6 again. 

 

I finally came to the realization that scores weren't what really mattered to me. It took several years for me to realize that my true enjoyment comes from hitting good shots and being outside for the morning.  If I shoot a good score...great. If I don't that's OK too as long as I hit the ball well. If I skanked it around for 18 holes and shot a 75 or 76, I'd be just as disappointed as if I'd shot an 84 or 85 while blowing a few drives OB and putting like crap. 

 

About 15 years ago I was playing in my Club Championship's 1st Flight (just missed playing with the big boys). After shooting a 75 the first day, I was one behind the leader. Late that night my wife (who knew about the tournament and my current position), came home from her friend's house and started to get frisky with me. "Geezus, woman. The other 364 nights of the year and..." The next day I showed up at the course with pillow lines on my face about 30 minutes prior to my tee time. I shot a 74 and won my flight by two shots. I got home and my wife was standing in the family room with her hands on her hips and had my 3 kids lined up on the couch with terrified looks on their faces. "How did you do?" "I won." Of course I was thrilled because it was the first two-day tournament that I'd ever won, but I didn't dare show any emotion. She then went on a 10 minute tirade about how their rooms were a mess when she woke up, and no one had done the dishes. I took my steak and many beers on the back patio alone that night and laughed my a** off at the day's events. Nobody, nobody, nobody cares what the vast majority of us shoot except for ourselves. 

 

A big tip of my cap to those whose scores do affect their esteem. I honestly respect your drive and determination even if I don't share the same attitude towards the game. There are some great stories and experiences in this thread. 

 

   

[b.helts]

7 minutes ago, MikeG said:

Those were the days I hated the most, and to top it off I usually played horribly when things ground to a halt on the course.

 

When I first started playing a lot, my play had a big impact on my self-esteem. My wife and kids knew immediately when I had a good or bad day on the course, and while it didn't affect my relationship with them, I really question my perspective looking back on those times. Nobody important to me in my life ever really cared about what I shot on a given day. At my best I was about a 4 handicap or so, but I've been right around a 6 for most of the last 20 years. When I get my game back in order after my long break, I imagine I'll be right around a 6 again. 

 

I finally came to the realization that scores weren't what really mattered to me. It took several years for me to realize that my true enjoyment comes from hitting good shots and being outside for the morning.  If I shoot a good score...great. If I don't that's OK too as long as I hit the ball well. If I skanked it around for 18 holes and shot a 75 or 76, I'd be just as disappointed as if I'd shot an 84 or 85 while blowing a few drives OB and putting like crap. 

 

About 15 years ago I was playing in my Club Championship's 1st Flight (just missed playing with the big boys). After shooting a 75 the first day, I was one behind the leader. Late that night my wife (who knew about the tournament and my current position), came home from her friend's house and started to get frisky with me. "Geezus, woman. The other 364 nights of the year and..." The next day I showed up at the course with pillow lines on my face about 30 minutes prior to my tee time. I shot a 74 and won my flight by two shots. I got home and my wife was standing in the family room with her hands on her hips and had my 3 kids lined up on the couch with terrified looks on their faces. "How did you do?" "I won." Of course I was thrilled because it was the first two-day tournament that I'd ever won, but I didn't dare show any emotion. She then went on a 10 minute tirade about how their rooms were a mess when she woke up, and no one had done the dishes. I took my steak and many beers on the back patio alone that night and laughed my a** off at the day's events. Nobody, nobody, nobody cares what the vast majority of us shoot except for ourselves. 

 

A big tip of my cap to those whose scores do affect their esteem. I honestly respect your drive and determination even if I don't share the same attitude towards the game. There are some great stories and experiences in this thread. 

 

   

great story!!
 

lol Reminds me of another story from a friend of mine:

 

my buddy and his young son were playing with Fred Couples. This was a bunch of years ago when Fred lived in Montecito. Well Fred ends up shooting 59. Pretty amazing experience, I’m sure. 
 

So my buddy gets home and greets his wife and says to his son “tell your mom what happened at the golf course today!” His son obliges: “mom, it was so cool! I found a caterpillar!!”

 

Makes me smile every time I think about it. 

[Obee]

On 9/21/2021 at 2:55 PM, ThinkingPlus said:

I have no esteem issues...as long as I shoot under par. 😉

 

God I love this woman! 😉

[Obee]

Golf has always affected my self esteem. It does so less now. Much less, actually. But definitely I'm a "Yes" over the years.

 

Having it assume (closer to) its rightful place in my life the last 5 or so years has helped me to actually play my best "pressure" (whatever that means) golf ever in my late 40's and into my 50's.

[DallasDan]

yes it does and I'm shooting terribly lately. I need to figure it out. 

[shoot4par]

Nope, it's the other way around my self esteem effects my golf score.😂  Think from a perspective standpoint, you have so many variables  (lie, conditions, whatever) and if you add in the fact that you often have to take 3 steps back to take 4-5 steps forward, its a humbling game, so being disappointed past a certain time limit is just counter productive. It can be an hour or two but best to move on unless its paying your bills.  

Edited October 13, 2021 by shoot4par

[chippa13]

On 9/22/2021 at 2:01 PM, bladehunter said:

Yea. I get what you’re saying.  And I’m sorry that I am usually not able to convey clearly what I mean.  .  But I think that’s part of what I was trying to say.  Just being is not enough.  Most of us have done literally nothing of value. .  Right ?  The measure is to - not have been bad.  It’s not-  to have been great.  Most are only - not bad.  I view it as most being insignificant because of not being great.  
 

now. If you are talking about your ( you yours and me mine ) view of our being from the base level  , with zero accomplishments included.  Sure.  I get that too.  The truth that we know about ourselves , as far as our intent toward the world , etc.  I think that’s where my self esteem comes from. My knowledge of my intent.  But the reality of how far short we fall from that intent is what is hard to reconcile. 
 

 

My question is how do you define "being great"? How do you define doing something of "value"? Something that in your mind would be trivial or insignificant could mean the world to another person. That is what it means to be great, not to do great big things when people are watching but to do great little things when no one is watching.

[aenemated]

When I was a kid and REALLY wanting a career in golf it totally did. Took it super seriously, often to my own detriment. 

 

But as a 40something now - it really doesn't. Obviously I want to score well but if I don't ... whatever. It's still fun. 

[bladehunter]

1 hour ago, chippa13 said:

My question is how do you define "being great"? How do you define doing something of "value"? Something that in your mind would be trivial or insignificant could mean the world to another person. That is what it means to be great, not to do great big things when people are watching but to do great little things when no one is watching.

That’s easy and hard to say all at the same time. It’s a deep subject.  I’ve  thought about it a lot the last 2-3 months. So here goes. 
 

 

For me.  Preface it all with saying this is me talking about me.  I’ve owned snd run a business for the past 20 years.  One where you’re married to a customer for months - sometimes years.  And your pay is solely determined by the approval of these customers.  We bill hourly.  But those bills don’t get paid if approvals and checkpoints aren’t met.   Said that to say this.  
 

what I’ve found is that perfection is impossible.  Regardless of the timeframe , budget or other expectations , it’s 99 % a fall short scenario.  20 years of this has I believe , conditioned me to dream of perfection , but expect failure and prepare for the fallout. No matter how big or small.  Usually small. But at times large.      I don’t look at a finished project as a win. Or as the art it’s intended to be. I see the delays. The hiccups ,  To me it’s always a failure.  
 

So to me.  Great would be meeting expectations in a timely manner , with no back steps.  This expectation is set by others. And I believe ive let it flow into most of my life.  Slowly but surely I’m cutting folks off of having the power to tell me what’s good enough or not.  But it’s not a snap of the finger thing.  But I’m saying no a lot.  
 

how does this pertain to golf ?  Well.  I suppose in a way it’s competition just like work for me.  I don’t play it for exercise or for fresh air. I play it’ll to try to win.  A competitive outlet that doesn’t involve a car.  And I’m realizing that I am also expecting perfection.   Or chasing it .  And yet I still know it doesn’t exist.   learning how to deal mentally with the game from the perspective of accepting mistakes in real time is my current battle.  For instance.  How to play on in a multi day tournament after you’ve laid a turd the first day.  My mind believes it’s a waste of effort as it’s mathematically impossible to win.  But I want to overcome that.  In other words. I’m a great front runner.  But golf requires you to play mostly from behind.  
 

 

as for what I think Doing things of actual value in life are?    I can list a few.  Helping your neighbor , being a good mate over a long period of time , taking care of your elderly, adopting a kid, adopting an animal , giving to good causes that help folks , teaching others things you can naturally do well or were taught ,   For free.  Pulling the next guy up I guess is the point of that one. A lot of folks are hesitate to share knowledge.  I believe that to be a sin ( insert your own beliefs here , that one is mine ).    Typing that shows me I’m not a bad dude.  I know that anyway.  I just have gotten into a place where I hear so many gripes, that it kind of rests on me all the time.  Positives come plenty too. I just don’t hear them.  
 

Back to golf.  I just am very driven snd hard on myself ( obviously) . I know on one hand that i make steady progress in this game , and many would love to be able to do that.  But I’m also incredibly impatient.  And lately I’ve not seen a good ratio of results to the amount of work I’ve put in.  This coupled with my growing distaste for working with other people has kind of came to a head.  I’m making some changes ( which will take some time ) in my business.  And I am working on my expectations with this game as well.  I have to find a way to give myself a break.  But I failed again this past weekend.  In spectacular fashion really.  Not going to go into details. But it’s taken me 3 days to stop seeing the “ you suck “ and start to see the progresses that were actually made. 
 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 6, 2021 by bladehunter

[ZA206]

How I play has ZERO effect on my self esteem, none.

How I play does have an effect on my happiness for the day I played.

 

I feel pretty lucky to be able to play as well as I do considering how little I put into it. I’ve also come to the conclusion that I’m streaky/mostly sucky as far as players at my handicap level… that’s taken a lot of unrealistic expectations off my game which in turn allows me to blow off bad rounds easily!😂

[2bGood]

It is interesting multiple replies focus on dealing with bad golf lowering self esteem. For me it is more of a one way valve. Great golf improves my self esteem, but bad golf does not have a huge effect on me. Not sure if I am explaining it correct but in general I would say have healthy positive self esteem. When I play well it bumps ups a few points, but playing poorly does not move me back down in any significant way. 

 

[naval2006]

Not self esteem issues related to my golf.  Just a feeling of bliss after a good round and I get home like walking on cotton candy.  And the loads of days I have a bad round I just move on.  It took me many many years to learn the lesson, though.  Been around for a long time, played very good amateur golf and now nearing 50 I love playing with the boys, a quick nine with my dad or the Saturday competitions and little by little I no longer feel so frustrated for a bad round, or at least it's just until I hand in the card and that's it.  On a good day, my joy lasts for the whole weekend.

[naval2006]

On 10/6/2021 at 1:34 AM, MikeG said:

Those were the days I hated the most, and to top it off I usually played horribly when things ground to a halt on the course.

 

When I first started playing a lot, my play had a big impact on my self-esteem. My wife and kids knew immediately when I had a good or bad day on the course, and while it didn't affect my relationship with them, I really question my perspective looking back on those times. Nobody important to me in my life ever really cared about what I shot on a given day. At my best I was about a 4 handicap or so, but I've been right around a 6 for most of the last 20 years. When I get my game back in order after my long break, I imagine I'll be right around a 6 again. 

 

I finally came to the realization that scores weren't what really mattered to me. It took several years for me to realize that my true enjoyment comes from hitting good shots and being outside for the morning.  If I shoot a good score...great. If I don't that's OK too as long as I hit the ball well. If I skanked it around for 18 holes and shot a 75 or 76, I'd be just as disappointed as if I'd shot an 84 or 85 while blowing a few drives OB and putting like crap. 

 

About 15 years ago I was playing in my Club Championship's 1st Flight (just missed playing with the big boys). After shooting a 75 the first day, I was one behind the leader. Late that night my wife (who knew about the tournament and my current position), came home from her friend's house and started to get frisky with me. "Geezus, woman. The other 364 nights of the year and..." The next day I showed up at the course with pillow lines on my face about 30 minutes prior to my tee time. I shot a 74 and won my flight by two shots. I got home and my wife was standing in the family room with her hands on her hips and had my 3 kids lined up on the couch with terrified looks on their faces. "How did you do?" "I won." Of course I was thrilled because it was the first two-day tournament that I'd ever won, but I didn't dare show any emotion. She then went on a 10 minute tirade about how their rooms were a mess when she woke up, and no one had done the dishes. I took my steak and many beers on the back patio alone that night and laughed my a** off at the day's events. Nobody, nobody, nobody cares what the vast majority of us shoot except for ourselves. 

 

A big tip of my cap to those whose scores do affect their esteem. I honestly respect your drive and determination even if I don't share the same attitude towards the game. There are some great stories and experiences in this thread. 

 

   

My wife doesn't play golf but comes from a family of golfers.  Her cousin is my best friend and we grew up playing together.  Women in our families just never ask anything about the game, they take it all for granted after three generations of golfers.  They only make this comment like "over 30 or 40 years talking about golf and the club and you always with the same stuff over and over." Same with my mum, my mother in law, aunts and daughters.  But they can't help it with such a keen golf family.  

Edited October 12, 2021 by naval2006

[jmkenn0]

I'll take a different hack at it - didn't play an actual round of golf until college, and only got somewhat serious about golf in my mid 30s when I was traveling a lot to the same place, and there was a golf-tec next door to the hotel so I signed up to take lessons.  Then I joined a club, where I learned to score, and took the occasional lesson, but I was a steady 10 handicap.   Then Covid hit, and I couldn't go to the gym as much, couldn't do anything really except play golf.  So I continued to get better and better (relatively).  I broke 80 for the first time on my home course, and remember the dread of trying to steer it in on the last few holes.  And then the next week, it happened - I broke par!  

 

I was happy, but more it was two things - a sense of "is this it?" as far as that accomplishment, and an understanding of what it took to get there, and a realization of not having the time/patience/wherewithal to do what it takes to stay at that level, much less get better.

 

So now I'm happily back in the 8-9 handicap range, and I enjoy golf for the competition, the camaraderie, the gambling, and if I play ok, great, and if I don't, I know its fine, I've made a decision that this is what golf is for me.

[bladehunter]

12 hours ago, 2bGood said:

It is interesting multiple replies focus on dealing with bad golf lowering self esteem. For me it is more of a one way valve. Great golf improves my self esteem, but bad golf does not have a huge effect on me. Not sure if I am explaining it correct but in general I would say have healthy positive self esteem. When I play well it bumps ups a few points, but playing poorly does not move me back down in any significant way. 

 

Yep. This was me.   When I could play 3/4 times a week. It was no big deal. I’d just improve tomorrow or the next day.  Now that covid came snd knocked me back to once a week on non tournament weeks.  That sucks .  Having to wait a week to wipe off that feeling of suck , is harder.    But it’s gotten easier to do after a year and half of it.  
 

Most people get to play more. But the crowded courses means I don’t have the time.  I can’t go out and walk an impromptu round at an hours notice like I used to.  Because you can’t get a tee time that short notice. Most of the people I know who work a flexible but hectic schedule like me are now cut off. The ones not working are able to play.  Go figure.  

Edited October 12, 2021 by bladehunter

[Robert L.]

My game has no effect on my self-esteem. I'm just too old to let things like my golf game affect me. I long ago accepted that I'll never be on the PGA Tour, never win a major, and probably never shoot in the 60s. I play to my handicap, and at the age of 67 that's good enough for me. But don't get me wrong, I do the best I can with every shot I take, and I strive to improve my game. My game is getting better, but I have a long ways to go. A 230 yard drive gives me a big thrill, as does lagging a long putt to within 3 feet of the hole, or hitting a 9-iron onto the middle of the green. I still read Harvey Penick's Little Red Book for nuggets of advice which I can apply to my game.

Edited October 13, 2021 by Robert L.

[Barfolomew]

I thought not....... BUT I've been striping it on the range lately and I feel fantastic..... I even told this old lady bout it at the grocery store the other day🦆